And as long as I expect you to be perfect and I’m going to judge you or criticize you if you do something that I don’t like, then I’m not going to be able to show up for you and know that you’re part of my human family. We’ve got to own our stuff. That means we’ve got to get out of our victim stories, right? I’ve got to quit saying it’s your fault, you did me wrong, you criticized me in some way. I’m separate from you. But instead if I’m able to say, well, I’m participating in the creation of my life, I know that I have childhood wounding and patterns and limiting beliefs, we all do, we all got programmed by our parents, no matter how well-intentioned. And I’m a parent myself, so I know that no matter how much we try, it’s impossible for us not to end up as adults with some of those patterns. And we need to own those patterns, we need to start to see them.
And it helps if we engage in spiritual practice, if we meditate, if we pray, if we spend time alone listening, then we start to get insights and epiphanies, we start to be able to see the patterns that we recreate in our lives. We’re also afraid of abandonment, rejection of being judged and criticized. But a lot of that comes from childhood and we actually can change that. We’ve been so traumatized, all of us, every human in this room, every human on this planet has had their own trauma. And trauma puts us into the story of separation and makes us forget that we belong to each other, that we’re here to love each other. And when we’re able to take time to engage in spiritual practice, it helps us remember the love that is available to us at all times even when we’re alone.
We have to be vulnerable. I have to be willing to show you the parts of myself, my friend, Amy Eilers calls my big ugly tail. You know, we all have it and we’re always stuck trying to hide it, we’re trying to step back to make sure you don’t see my big ugly tail. But if I’m brave enough to take risks and to show you my big ugly tail and to see if you love me anyway, then we start to build trust and then I can maybe reveal something a little more vulnerable. And I can see whether that’s safe. This helps us develop resilience, because sometimes I’m going to show somebody my big ugly tail and they’re going to judge me and they’re going to be mean to me. They might reject me and then I might be tempted to close my heart, to withdraw, to go back into the story of separation. But when we develop resilience, we actually get brave and we start being willing to give other people permission to break our hearts, permission to betray our trust, because everybody’s doing the best we can.
But then the more I reveal and the more you trust me and the more I trust you, the more intimate we become, the more we develop resilience so that we can handle the occasional person who isn’t conscious enough to meet us in the heart space.
We also have to bench press our receiving muscles. Many of us are walking around surrounded by people who love us and we can’t even tell, because we’ve put up this wall, we’ve got this armor. And when we take the armor down, we start to be able to open our heart and reconnect to that force of love that’s flowing through me right now. I’m pouring onto you and flowing through you and pouring onto me. This allows us to hold space for others. Instead of judging and criticizing, holding space means we can be present, we can withhold judgment, we can trust that we’re doing the best we can, all of us, hard to be human. We can listen generously without fixing, we can be with what’s true for one another. And this lets us be willing to bear someone else’s burden when we have enough to give. When we’re so full of love that we have enough to give, then we can start to be generous with our love, we can start to be somebody else’s tribe, instead of just thinking about what do I want, what do I need.
We have to remember that we’re all connected, interbeing that we belong with one another. Charles Eisenstein says the science is beginning to confirm what we have intuitively known all along, we are greater than what we have been told. We are not just a skin encapsulated ego, a soul encased in flesh. We are each other and we are the world.
So now I want to invite you to reach out and call in those friends of your soul. We are dehydrated fish swimming in a massive lake. There is love all around. It’s right here. Loneliness is the siren of the soul calling us back home to one another. But we’re in the space between stories. So this is our chance. I want all of you to stand up right now and hold hands with the person next to you. Take a risk to get close, be brave. Look, you’ve got tribe, your community is right here, right here. This is how far away love is. It’s this far, it’s right here. So I want to invite you all to hold hands as long as you want and come back here anytime you want and create your own full tribes and find what you need. This is medicine, people.