And then that changed our entire relationship with these devices. So now we think about something we look at all the time. It sort of trained us to think of it like this constant companion that we always need to be looking at, in every down time. But that’s a very recent and it’s very contrived and it’s causing a lot of trouble.
Tom Bilyeu: So how do we begin to carve out that space for solitude? Are there things that we can do? You’ve talked about walking. What are some things that people can do to train themselves? Because obviously now most people are in a very Pavlovian response cycle, where it’s not going to have by accident for them to stop. So how do they break out of that? And what can they do to reintroduce solitude?
Cal Newport: Well just for the issue of solitude, it’s pretty easy to get it back. All you have to do is on a regular basis do something without your phone. You basically go back to about ten years ago. Not all the time but just occasionally right. So maybe when you walk the dog at some point like ‘I’m not going to bring my phone’. You’re going to the drugstore – I am not going to bring my phone’. Like just have some activity you do most days without your phone even if it’s 20 minutes there.
There you’re already getting little doses of solitude, you’re breaking the solitude. Complete solitude deprivation syndrome.
Lori Harder – Create Life Balance
Tom Bilyeu: One thing that I see in your story that I think is really powerful and I really want to take a second to drill down into it — is you’re way intense. And you’ve said that one thing I have to remind myself every night, and we’ll talk about feminine and masculine energy a little bit later.
But you have to remind yourself to soften back up at the end of the night. It’s so interesting. So you’ve got this – I really like the titles – I really want to go after it. I’m way intense. I want to win. I’m all in. Getting in that kind of shape is brutally difficult. But then at the same time you can balance it with the playfulness. And it’s not all about that. How have you learned to strike that balance? And maybe more importantly how do you teach other people to do that?
Lori Harder: I’ve learned if I don’t learn to strike that balance that when I go to extremes in either one, I’m not happy. I feel very scattered; I feel frantic; I feel crazy. So I think that for me when I start feeling a little bit chaotic. So for me it shows up in a very like grasping for straws. Things aren’t happening, like I’m running into a wall, like the feeling of banging your head against a wall. That’s what it feels like for me.
And I know a lot of people can relate to that. And I think especially a lot of people in fitness might get into it to kind of like – maybe they’re anxious, or it calms their nerves. Because I think I run really on the anxious side. So for me if I don’t learn how to control that, I’ll go to the extreme of something. So it’s a must for me.
I actually think it’s a must for everyone to kind of find how to dance in the different categories of your life, because we’re not just one thing. And when we go all in on one thing, we’re severely neglecting the other parts of us which makes for an empty human. You know which makes for someone who doesn’t feel, who never feels full. So I have to remember that there’re so many parts of me that I need to make sure that I’m fulfilling.
For me play is so important. When I was first building my business and when I was really getting into the fitness world, I neglected play and I neglected I’m like ‘I love being a weirdo!’ ‘I love being a goofball; I love being funny’. And I thought that I had to suppress that side of me in order to win, in order to be successful. School was, college was frowned upon and like really restrictive religion.
So for me, I think that in order to win and be successful I thought that I had to just shut down the goofy. I had to be a certain way. I had to just drive so hard. And what happened is the driving got me somewhere. Drive drive drive drive! Do it! Do it! And you know the voice in my head was like it was very like a hardcore coach which would get me somewhere. But there was no joy along the way.
So every time I’d wind up somewhere I was like: ‘Well! I thought this would be way better than what I’ve actually here and that wasn’t even fun!’ ‘Was it even worth it? And now it’s never enough. It’s like never enough.’ And I just felt so empty as well. Because this part of me that I loved. I loved that side of me. I love the silly, goofy side. That’s when I really that feeling of really liking yourself and feeling alive – that’s when I feel most connected to people.