Hello, fellow freaks fresh from the far off foreign lands. This is Karak from AngryCentaurGaming and today I’m stoked in a little bit tired but I did it all to bring you the review of Grand Theft Auto V or GTA V. This is either going to be One Night In Bangkok, the song or One Night In Bangkok, the sad autobiography of a vacation gone wrong. Let’s do this.
Now we all know that Take-Two fought an uphill battle to get GTA 5 made. The game has been known to be lackluster, not that financially successful, if, of course, you compare them to Canada which I’m not going to do because that would be unfair to Canadians and the moose.
But seriously folks, we all know the game is coming out which is why its arrival is a bit like a kick from Cro Cop. You expected, then suddenly it’s there and you’re like holy shit! And also now you’re pregnant with twins due to transfer of sheer awesomeness, often imitated but never quite eclipsed. This is GTA (Grand Theft Auto) number five. So let me adjudicate my memories of their pollinated spermatozoa.
GTA tells a tale of three men in the same spot in life. One wants to escape it; one wants to embrace it, and one is just sort of batshit crazy like the idea at one time of making a car made up of silly putty and dead birds didn’t work. So let’s see if the game’s story fares better.
First up is graphics. Like the dead horse you tried to hide under your bed for a week, the graphics of Grand Theft Auto, GTA are the first thing that’s going to be noticed when someone visits. Firstly, the game was apparently written by great white sharks, confederate spies and Patrick Stewart, because that is the only team I feel could be responsible for squeezing the 360 so hard it shits almost pure awesomeness throughout.
Sure, there’s some pop ups and at times it does get rough and sure, the bullshit anti-aliasing we saw on the trailers isn’t always there. But we knew that. The debs of mastered machines that are like old NASA mainframes in there in inadequacy and offered not only improvements to the graphics of previous titles but more variation to the pedestrians some keen special effects and mostly stable frame rate.
If any of you have seen the iCEnhancer mods for GTA IV, you know that a tweaked version of that game can look amazing. It can also light your video card on fire. I find that GTA 5 is a good middle ground between pure excellence in lighting and having some kind of black hole open up and swallow your face, because what you’re seeing can’t exist. The lighting is excellent and though the simmering shadows of GTA 4 pop up here and there, the overall effect is simply stellar, truly is a step above GTA 4 in all regards when it comes to graphics.
Now the frame fate is a tough one, because it’s noticeable during the times you would not want it to be, which is driving in heavy traffic at top speed but for the most part it simply requires you to really pay attention during those bits and in the end the issue is negated fairly well, though most people will notice it to some extent or another.
Texturing, model detail and placement are uniformly excellent but if they weren’t, it would be a bigger surprise than the continued tradition of excellence. The level of detail in some buildings is idiot savant level, or these are the most bored developers of all time that just spent hours placing the cereal boxes just fucking right. The level of detail and care is almost disturbingly obscene and I worry at least a couple of these guys might be modeling homes after ex-girlfriend’s apartments in some kind of stalking situation.
Sound, music and voice acting. I found the sound effects for cars, guns and various explosions to be average to good with nothing indicating greatness, nor anything sticking its head up and yelling sup and hit you over the head with a shitty sound. It’s all around good and does the job.
When it comes to the music, we all know that the music for GTA would be good and it is. But it’s also very important to remember that the radio station system they use will leave many players with a good deal of stations they would rather castrate themselves with the two by four, then listen to.
All in all I found three go-to stations and the rest were occasional listens, not terrible or anything. Actually there was one that was terrible but again that’s just the style of music, not the talent of those playing. Still it has an amazingly large catalog and I would challenge anyone to not find hours of musical enjoyment inside the game.
Voice acting. Okay, so the three main characters are all voice acted very well, and I really enjoyed each different take on the world in their character views and NPCs are also voice acted tremendously well. But Franklin the down on his luck gang banger and his group were some of the hardest to listen to voice actors I have ever experienced. A perpetual motion machine of the word f**k. They stretch your mine with continual ways to demean and offend, and to me that is totally fine. However it was mind-numbing after only a very short time.
You can expect that if someone is with Franklin, one single NPC may have four to five lines compared to a single line if someone is with one of the other mains. And this continues throughout the entire game and every mission and anytime you’re driving and anytime you bump into anyone. And anytime you’re on fire, and anytime you turn your head and you get the picture. It’s not only odd but in action you maybe want to hurry up and get done with the missions.
After having recently played GTA San Andreas, I can say that this appears to be maybe a ten-fold increase in the constant verbal battery on your ears. The next level obscenities mean that children should be kept a fair one to two-mile radius away, or you’re going to have your five-year-olds explaining prison deck in incredible detail to their classmates. Heck they probably already do. Like a little brother who learns the word shit, it’s basically on repeat for the entire game, just shit… or replace shit with every single word you can imagine and lots of rape jokes.
These guys are rape joke fanatics. I imagine them sitting up late at night looking upwards to deal with caves, liquids and forcefulness and putting them on an ad live generator, at some point I expect that George Carlin to tell them to shut the fuck up.
Moving on to gameplay. It’s fitting that GTA V comes out at the end of the current hardware cycle. And while GTA IV was more the same, GTA V throws in a good deal of actual improvements and attempts to switching up the game. The GTA 4 never did in addition to what has been one of the most packed worlds to ever be created for a video game. The character switching isn’t near as seamless as the video showed with its stopping and popping like Gears of War players that moves between Leeds.
However, the fact that you can and the fact that the game fakes that the other main was doing something and not just standing round is awesome. However I found out that quickly it was best to finish any missions I had with one character, then go to the other because bouncing around occasionally made the story a bit convoluted, especially as these guys really start mixing it up together.
Additionally, GTA 5 adds some new mini-games to do and I have to say that the golf and tennis are amazing additions and more enjoyable than darts or pool ever was. Maybe it’s because of the game type. So the fact that golf occurs outside, you get to really continue to feel the feel of the city as you play and it’s great. I really love that. Less interesting is the stripping in bar and other add-ons, not as in-depth or even really interesting. They seem ill-fitting compared to the more in-depth brothers. Add in a fake internet and a stock market — that you can somewhat impact and you have enough for single-game already.
Oh, and there’s also the ability to swim and locate things hidden within the ocean and no longer do all the characters in GTA suffer from the same ailment that afflicted the aliens in the movie Signs, waters wet and these fuckers don’t care. Finally, my brother can swim.
Gunplay and overall character movement has been dramatically increased and it feels like they toned down the physics and we benefit from it. No longer does the main character feel like a bag of blood, marina pork rinds on feat.
Instead everything feels solid and mobile. The gunplay was very fun, fluid and strategic, and that made the weapon and weapon upgrades even more useful than they were in GTA IV. Each character has special skills to augment something about their own abilities. You can also upgrade things like your lungs and so forth from riding and biking. This allows you to ride bike, run longer. So there’s — that’s pretty much that.
Now when it comes to driving, GTA V does feel improved from IV, though it still gets a bit twitchy with some vehicles. Damage modeling is good but not amazing. While shooting from your car feels hyper solid but sadly, not all is well in GTA V. It’s still hampered by some wonder can level stupid gameplay design. Rockstar has an amazing world and spends years of depth time making sure the world feels alive, then they throw in a car and have you chase someone through the most painfully scripted missions this side of a Maze and Ms. Pac-Man.
Thankfully there are not a ton of missions like this but there are enough that I would literally groan out loud when then began, because I knew instantly what was going to occur and even more sadly I could guess instantly where scripting was going to pop up, that drama which sadly removed it. This was a major failing on their part as many missions do not have the same level of scripting. And we’re far closer to the sandbox expectations I had while the scripted levels were like finding cache in that same sandbox.
Lastly, let’s talk about heists. Heists were big news for the GTA V fans. And after experiencing them, I can say they mostly pay off. The ability to put your team together, decide between a small number of overall options and how to proceed with the work really do add a cool feeling to the game. I really enjoyed staking out a place first and the length of time it took to investigate setup supply and then perform a heist means it can eat up a good number of hours total. Are they mine alternately good? No but the fact that they’re in a game, this pack already is pretty surprising. And since they work so well, it’s a major kudo for Rockstar to have placed them so well in the story.
And moving on to story. Though everything should come together in GTA 5 to make an excellent story, it doesn’t. And we’re left with an okay plot that’s held by some amazing player created moments and brought down to earth like a flaming fucking comet by terrible scripted bits. I found myself not caring or even knowing what one of the character home problems were. One second trying to kill each other, the next second saying, “Hey, see you later” was so terribly disjointed that I thought I’d skipped a couple cut scenes.
In fact, it seems odd that many of the main story telling cut-scenes we’ve seen in the trailers are out there and in the game while these missing story bits aren’t in the game at all. Did they run out of time? It just seems odd.
The story is still good but it isn’t helped by their presentation and it’s like the game had just a little bit of a chubby for itself. And while the way the time rubbing its groin, re-watching the favor cutscenes and not into the others and mumbling, yeah I’ll get to them in a bit. But let’s watch this one all over again.
So what do you get? Grand Theft Auto V is a stunning game with amazing graphics that can and does things that almost shouldn’t be possible. It’s a game that will see wild variation in enjoyment, because it has such a high mix of scripting and free play that can be off-putting wondering if you will have some artificial limitation set upon you for no reason in a clumsy attempts to tell a story that they will then forget to tell. Though the issues do occur and not seldomly they don’t really detract from the game enough to stop you from enjoying it.
I rate games on a buy, wait for sell, rent or sharpen into a razor sharp weapon of pure violence and get felonious with rating scale, this is a buy. Despite having a couple issues here and there, there’s still a GTA game through and through with in this title and it excels above others. When it excels, it’s amazing. And then the poor points come up and you just sort of have to get past them.
After the hype is over, it may seem as a game of the year game but missed presentation chances, issues with mission structure and the overall lack of real emotion in the story means that it may not be on a lot of game of the generation lists. Never hesitate to pick it up, however, as it has enough meat for three or four games and they’re still solidly more good than bad. Thanks for listening. This is Karak from AngryCentaurGaming and if you like the video, hit like. If you dislike it, hit dislike. If you can share it or leave a comment, that would be great. May all your pickles stay crispy. Peace out, bitches!
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