Full text of The Power of Seduction in Our Everyday Lives by Chen Lizra @ TEDxVancouver conference.
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Man: I’m just going to be in the green room in the back if you really want to talk about some, after you’re done.
Chen Lizra: Just give me the clicker.
Man: Okay. Got your clicker here. Thank you.
Chen Lizra – Business Consultant, Entrepreneur
I guess you don’t need coffee now, do you?
My name is Chen Lizra. I’m a dancer, author and an entrepreneur. I started my talk with a seductive dance because I want you to first feel the seduction, to get you — kind of — to gut level.
I’m fascinated with seduction, but not just with the dance and the movements, but also with how you can bring it in a practical way into day-to-day life.
Since 2005, I’ve been travelling back and forth to Cuba in order to train with the best professional dancers. This is when I first started seeing seduction as a valuable life skill.
I’m so fascinated with seduction, but mostly because it’s such a playful fun thing. I truly believe that everyone has the power to seduce in them, we just need to unleash it. And I also believe that we need to develop this skill from a very young age, so it can help us become a lot more successful in life.
So let’s examine seduction for a second, and let’s take a look at our perception of seduction, what it all means.
When we first hear the word seduction, we have a lot of misconceptions. The word has been sexualized so many times that we can’t even imagine it as a positive skill set. We typically associate seduction with something negative, because we consider it the less honest or acceptable form of influence.
People who are easily seduced to some degree feel manipulated into the situation. When we think of gender roles, it’s not even a question that men are permitted a lot more freedom than women to seduce. And when we think of work and seduction, we merely go to sleeping your way to the top and being unprofessional.
You know how people say, some people say that money’s bad, but the money itself is not bad, right? It comes down to money gives you power, and power can be used for good and for bad; it comes down to who you are inside.
Seduction is exactly the same, it comes down to your DNA and what you choose to do with it. I choose to make seduction classy, and to add to it my sense of loyalty and integrity.
Seduction is really about your untapped power that you’re not using, that you want to unleash. Would we tell superman not to stop a bullet? Or a doctor not to save a life? But, of course, not.
Seduction is about charm, connection, vulnerability, pride, self-confidence and appeal. I’m one of those lucky ones, that gets to go to Cuba all the time. And I’ve been observing this culture for a very long time, seeing how aware they seem to be of their seductive powers. You can say that in many ways, Cuba has been like a seduction laboratory for me, where I get to study seduction and understand how they use it better.
But it’s not like Cubans are the only people in the world that understand how to use seduction, right? You can experience it in other countries in the world: in Israel, in Brazil and the Dominicans and many other countries. And yet in Cuba I found a combination of things, a very unique combination of things, that I haven’t found it anywhere else in the world, and I’ll speak about some of them today.
And you’ll probably agree with me when I’ll say that the chances of finding this kind of seduction out in the open in North America is pretty close to slim, right? I truly believe that we can learn a valuable life lesson from Cubans about life and seduction.
And having said that, if we were to try and take seduction and break it into some kind of a formula, what would that look like?
One: Desire — start taking notes. Desire means knowing what you want and then having the willingness to go after it. In Cuba, rumba is the game of seduction between the man and the woman. The woman is the flirty hen and the guy is the seductive rooster. The woman uses her body to seduce the men to say, “Want it? Come and get it.”
The guy on the other hand will use his body to demonstrate his masculinity. He’ll try to decoy her. Boom! Launching an attack. He’s trying to pecker her and get her pregnant. She’ll notice the attack, she’ll block it, she’ll mock him for not succeeding, and she’ll go, “Didn’t make it. Try again.”
Cubans interact on the streets everyday, as if they’re playing the game of rumba. They keep a tension, a sexy tension, always alive. It’s like, you could almost have it, but not. But if you only tried, then maybe.
Keeping the “maybe” alive is the skill of presenting potential possibilities and then fuelling them with desire. It’s about learning where the emotional buttons are, and then triggering them. When there is real desire, even if it’s hidden, it’s possible to lure it out. But you really got to get what the other person is missing, and then give it to them. And when it’s done right, it’s virtually impossible to say “no” to.
Number two: Confidence.
Strong self-confidence is essential for seduction. Without it you can’t go after what you want. Our self-image is formed at a very young age and is deeply affected by our environment. Cubans praise their kids from a very young age to feel confident and stunning in their own bodies, because they recognize this is a very valuable life skill. You’ll see them at the pool, at the hotel, the music is like blasting, they’re grinding to the music, and the little ones are grinding right beside them, and they’ll turn to them and say, “Que lindo!” or “Que linda eres!” — “You’re so beautiful!”
Add to this that in Cuba there is no advertising, because it’s a communist country, so there’s nothing that distorts the body image. Cubans, not like us, are not affected by the media to try and think that they need a perfect body. Instead their self-image is formed out of how stunning the environment makes them feel, and how much love they get at home.
As a result of all of this, Cubans grow up feeling intense pride and self-confidence, no matter what body type or shape they might have. And it’s this kind of self-confidence that leads later on to how you present yourself in all areas of your life and how you succeed.
Body language. When you walk on the streets of Havana, guys and girls check each other out, in the open, all the time. They’re not trying to hide it. And guys call after women with “Linda!”, “Preciosa!” And women respond with how they hold their bodies, and how they accentuate their curves when they walk, because they know they’re being noticed and admired, and they like it.
It makes it really easy to seduce and be seduced, because you know what the other person is feeling.
Seduction also shows up in the tone of your voice, the kind of look you give, what you say and how you say it, and at times, even adding a little touch.
Body language is very important for seduction because it communicates to the other person what you want.
Number four: Arousal.
To effectively seduce someone there has to be an activation of the arousal, waking up in them the desire to give you what you want and luring it out. But first, you have to connect and interact with the other person, if not, then how will you get to their heart? And for seduction to really work, you have to give it your undivided attention, in a moment.
One of the most charming things that I’ve noticed about Cuban men, is how they to go after what they want completely fearless of the consequences of getting hurt or getting rejected. They will seduce a woman over and over, making her feel desired and special, even after she said “no” a couple of times, slowly sneaking into her heart and waking up that desire. In a “no” there was a “maybe” turns into a “yes”. That’s damn sexy.
This fearlessness of failure is a profoundly powerful capability that I’ve noticed in some of the most seductive people that I’ve ever met.
But they can do this because they’ve developed their intuitions so much, that they can easily distinguish between a “no” that means a “no”, and a “no” that means “maybe”, because the last thing you want to do is not accept a “no” that means a “no”.
So what I really want you to get is that everyone has the power to seduce in them. The trick is to learn how to use it and when.
Seduction is a skill no matter how you look at it. You can call it: wooing, persuading, winning someone over, charming, it doesn’t really matter. But what it is, is really about using all of the elements that I talked about here in the talk, which is one: desire, two: confidence, three: body language, four: arousal, to build the connection that gets you what you want.
It’s also important to remember that seduction is not a science, but an art, and that’s the beauty of it, it comes from the heart. And like any art, it can definitely be taught. But to fully gain self-expression in it, you have to take the time to master it, and make it your own.
My hope is that you will see seduction as a valuable life skill, as I’ve learned to. Because so many people lose that childlike attitude as they grow into adulthood, and something’s missing. And wouldn’t the world be a better place if we didn’t.
I really believe that seduction leads to self-confidence, and self-confidence leads to success in all areas of your life.
Master seduction and you can have anything that you want in life. Anything.
I did get a TED Talk, didn’t I?