Home » Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

So I want to posit today that if you listen to what I’m about to share with you, you’re going to go on fewer bad dates, better first dates. And you’re going to move off-line from the dating site in less than a week. That’s not a tremendous time investment to ensure a higher quality experience. Yet this isn’t the way most people approach online dating.

So before we get into the nitty-gritty of how to do this, let’s establish one thing: Guys are terrible at online dating. I mean, you don’t even know how bad guys are on online dating. I hate to throw my whole gender under the bus but let’s roll him over, right?

I told the client that I was doing this presentation. I said, send me a picture of your inbox. I had no idea exactly what I was going to get in return. But this totally validated everything. 289 messages, subject headers: hello, hi, hi, none. Hello, hi, you are gorgeous, you’re so beautiful, very attractive. This is what women are dealing with. They have to make the best of that.

Now we know intellectually that not all guys are bad. This doesn’t mean these men are not relationship-oriented or intelligent. There’s something about the way people use this medium that isn’t working. And so we have to figure out what are these guys doing, why do they do this. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes and let’s have some sympathy for these guys.

The reason we’re talking about why guys are so bad at online dating is that they are the aggressors. They’re the ones who have to put themselves out. So it’s going to be a lot more obvious when they’re screwing up than women. So for women who get very scornful of men have a little sympathy for these poor Schmucks, right? They’re doing the best they can, it’s just not very good.

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Guys get online, they see a bunch of attractive photos. And again for instant gratification, dating site gives you the option of doing the free wink. You know the free wink? It’s what guys do – wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. You’re a woman, you’ve got 289 emails, you’re going to pay attention to the guy who winked at you. No, you’re not. So the guys, they’re not dumb, they say, huh winking didn’t work very well. Maybe I got to work a little harder. So they do, beef up their profile a little bit, find some really attractive women, because you could only write to the really attractive ones. Why? Because they’re there.

So they write to the most attractive women, and they talk about why she’s great, why he’s great, how much they have in common and then maybe a thousand word autobiography about him, right? Puts 20 minutes into writing an email, hours and hours, sends out a dozen of them. Nobody writes back. Why? You’re a woman, you’ve got 289 emails. Do you want to read some guys’ autobiography, some stranger, of course not.

So his intention is pure, he’s trying to differentiate himself but it’s not working. He is inadvertently coming across as kind of needy, little over-the-top little stalker-ish. Not the goal, just the byproduct. So he says, huh, well, if writing all these long emails isn’t working, I guess it’s what they say, it’s a numbers game. So I got to play the number.

So how do guys play the numbers? Didn’t answer, I read your profile, think you’re attractive, check me out if you like what you see. Hope to hear from you soon. It’s a form letter, cut paste them. So what they do, they send out 50 form letters. You’re a woman, you’ve got options, you’ve got 289 guys writing to you. You want to write to the guy who wrote you the form letter that he clearly wrote to every other woman on the dating site, insert your name here. So again, and sympathize with these guys.

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Everything they’re trying make sense, the long stalker emails and the winks and the form letters. Just none of it’s working. So they’re throwing a whole bunch of crap up against the wall, none of it’s sticking. And they come to these conclusions, very logical conclusions. First conclusion is that women — most attractive women are like rock stars. They got tons of people throwing themselves at them. It’s really competitive. They’re probably going to take the profile down first, because they’re so inundated by responses they get overwhelmed. And it’s really competitive. And I know, if I met her she’d like me is what guys tell themselves. I know she’d like me if she met me. I am not even getting a chance, I can’t even get in the door. I got to move fast before she disappeared.

And on the other hand, everybody has had the experience in online dating of spending a whole month getting to know someone. And then showing up in the date, and finding out that person lied about their height or weight or their age. And that’s endemic to the medium.

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