Home » Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

So huh, well, I can’t spend a whole month getting to know someone only to find out that they misrepresented. So what am I going to do? Well, I’m going to move faster. That makes sense, right? So again we’re getting this reinforcement, that speed is the answer. Speed and volume, and that’s sort of the going story for guys. The answer to successful online dating is speed and volume.

So their next round of emails says something to the effect of – “Dear Amber, I read your profile. I am not really good at this thing. Let’s see if there is chemistry. Here’s my phone number. Text me, what are you doing on Saturday night?” It’s like all of it right in the first email. Let’s go, come on, please don’t disappear, don’t lie to me, don’t go out with anybody else. Please choose me. Attractive, huh? So this is how we see the kind of emails that we see in the inbox – this panicky, direct, it’s all because guys are failures at online dating. This is the result.

So guys become convinced that speed and volume is the solution to online dating. In fact, it’s the problem with online dating. Remember the bad blind-date slide, that’s how you end up on bad blind dates. You go out with total strangers. That’s the problem. Yet guys think it’s the solution. This is why we need a paradigm shift in how we view online dating.

So I stumbled onto this. I’m no genius. I was just a slut. And so I spent years going out with people and people share things with you. You tell your war stories and women would tell me about these guys, they’d show me their inboxes, they’d read these messages. It’s astoundingly stupid to the point that you can’t even believe it’s happening. Some guys like hey, you’re hot, let’s do it. I’m competing with that. That was easy.

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So I figured if every guy was going to zig, I was just going to zag. If every guy is giving her this all-out verbal assault, why she needs to meet him yesterday, I will spend a little bit more time writing emails and thank clever things and spend a little more time talking on the phone and I had a completely different online dating experience than anybody I knew. Everybody else is talking about failure. I got to pick people up at their house. I got to drive them home at the end of the night first date, all because I put in a little bit more time upfront. And so when I became a coach, I started to coach this very simple philosophy. I told guys slow down, every other guys in a rush, you slow down. And it worked.

And then I started to coach women. I told them same thing. You’re letting him dictate the terms, slow him down, give him the incentives to please you, give him incentive to court you. And it worked.

And so this is what it looks like in a very simple Venn diagram form. I am only capable of making a very simple Venn diagram. Men, in general, want speed; women, in general, want comfort. And again by comfort it means I don’t want to go out with a potential serial killer. Like these are reasonable terms. We’re not saying I need a whole month to do a background check on you. Men want speed, women want comfort and the space between is a good first date where both parties are getting their needs met. I think this is reasonable.

And so the issue here is that men based on that inbox that I showed you earlier are unintentionally making women feel uncomfortable. Believe me, all the guys who make you feel uncomfortable it’s not their goal — how can I make her life miserable? How can I say something creepy? It’s never the goal. It’s the byproduct of their failures, right? Don’t disappear, don’t lie, let’s meet, let’s see if there is chemistry, let’s go.

So imagine you’re at a bar, you got 50 guys lined up to give you the phone number. It’s overwhelming. And that’s what happens online. Attractive woman has guys, just let’s meet, let’s meet, phone number is piling up. And it’s not the way women like to meet men.

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So what’s the medium in which women do meet men where men have to make them comfortable before they get their phone number? I call it real life. You remember real life. Some of you do, some of you don’t. I’m 41, so I do. Before there was an Internet, you would talk to people at parties and stuff. And so when a guy talks to a woman at a party, he doesn’t tap her on the shoulder and be like, hey you’re in red, I like red. Here’s my number. A terrible way to meet someone. That’s what people do on the internet. You have a dog, I have a dog, let’s go on a date.

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