Home » Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

Evan Marc Katz: No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns (Full Transcript)

So how do guys meet women in real life? Talk to someone at a party, say something cute, talk for a half hour, it’s real fun, organic. He says, ‘Hey, you want to step outside for a little bit more bite out there. I’ll get you a drink’. She goes, ‘Yeah, that sounds fun, sure’. You go outside, conversation continues, moves — and an hour passes like that, and then he looks at his watch, he is like ‘Oh my god, I got to go. I’ve had so much fun talking to you tonight. If I get your number I’d love to take you out later this week’. And she says, ‘Yeah that sounds great. Thank you’. Does everybody remember that? Doesn’t that feel good the connection followed by the date. Right now we’ve got it reversed, right? We want the date and then we want the connection.

So all I’m talking about tonight in my very long-winded presentation before I get to my point is that we want to make online dating feel like real life, because real life feels good. That’s the whole principle behind this.

So how do we do this? I call it the 2/2/2 rule, I’ve been teaching it for years. It ain’t that complicated. I made it up, it came out of my head, it’s not one of the 10 commandments written in stone. So you can feel free to play with it. But the very basic idea is that you want to go 2 e-mails back and forth from each party on the dating site, 2 e-mails back and forth on Gmail or Yahoo, 2 phone calls in a first date. Whole thing takes less than a week, not terribly complicated, not a tremendous amount of work, highly highly effective.

So how do we use this complicated 2/2/2 rule? Well, first of all, I think it’s important to note it’s not about 2/2/2. 2/2/2 doesn’t matter, right? It could be 5/3/1, no one is counting. The whole point is that we understand each other and then understand and respect the fact that women need a little comfort before they meet. Women understand the guys want to move fast, that they are entitled to that, right? So this is based on a mutual understanding. We’re finding that point on the graph where it feels good to both genders.

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So it starts with having a good conversation on the dating site, has to start with a good conversation on the dating site. Now good conversation isn’t that hard except it is, because hey, what’s up? Not good conversation. So what do you do for fun? Not good conversation. A good conversation is about being inquisitive, being thoughtful, being interesting, right? Having opinions, having observations, writing paragraphs, not one liners. This isn’t texting. If you’re a good conversationalist, no one’s going to say man, screw this, I’m out of here. Good conversation sustains itself and it grows, again it’s like being at a party, you’re enjoying it.

And when you make a good connection online, it gives you leverage as a woman to say, ‘Oh by the way, Brad, what’s your regular email address? I’ll be in much better touch on Gmail. And you know what that is, that’s, hey, let’s step outside where it’s a little more quiet. You’re getting more personal, you’re getting more intimate, you’re isolating the person. He’s talking to 10 women on OkCupid, he’s talking to one person on Gmail, that’s you, all because she said hey, let’s step outside. Conversation continues. You might say, hey, let’s meet. You don’t just meet, that brings us back where we started.

You don’t want to go on blind dates with strangers. So what you do is you schedule a phone call. Now again I know people’s resistance to this. Most people won’t do this. But understand it’s imperative because if you don’t schedule phone call, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to start texting, right? Texting is the death of communication. It’s ubiquitous, I’m not trying to put the genie back in the bottle and pretend it’s not. The problem is you don’t get to know someone very well by texting. I guarantee it. I could talk to you for five minutes on the phone. I’m going to get to know you a lot better than if we did one line text back and forth for a week, not even close. There’s something about the nuance of communicating with someone live that texting leaves out. So you don’t want to get caught in texting.

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So why schedule a phone call? Not just call. Well, you could pick up the phone and call. The problem is you’re precipitating another problem that comes with online dating and that’s friction. Things go wrong. So I call you at 8PM, you call me back at 9, I’m not around. I call you the next day at 2, you call me back during your lunch hour. Suddenly we’re playing phone tag, suddenly it’s difficult. Suddenly it’s not enjoyable. We’re losing momentum. You might give up, I might give up. That’s the problem with I’ll call you in general at some time, right? I’m around tonight at 7:30, can’t wait to hear your voice. Talk to you then. Set up an appointment, so you just get it right. This phone call is your first date and this replaces the coffee date. If you have a good phone call the guy earns the first date. I give advice to women, so it’s always directed at them.

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