So this seemed like a very important message to get out, because some of my training is just about opening your eyes to the receptive and perceptive aspects, then into the empathic responses. To make it easier, I created the acronym EMPATHY which actually lends itself to remembering the key pieces of how we connect to people.
So the ‘E’ stands for eye contact. Eye contact is usually the first indication that we’ve been noticed by someone even though cultural norms can vary. Also eye-gaze goes back as early as maternal infant bonding. It turns out that the infant’s sharpest focal point is 12 centimeters which is the exact distance between a baby’s eyes and the mother’s eyes when the baby is held like this.
Eye-gaze is also important when we say hello or greet one another. In our country our greeting is usually hi or hello. In the Zulu tribe, the word for hello is Sawubona, which means I see you. Every human being has a longing to be seen, understood and appreciated. And eye-gaze is the first step toward this.
The ‘M’ stands for muscles of facial expression. The human face is a one part of us that we almost never fully cover up. Our faces are actually a roadmap of human emotion, and because of this, our facial expressions cannot only save our lives but can actually preserve our species.
Imagine the disgusted look on someone’s face who’s just eating rotten food and can signal to a whole tribe to stay away and save them from getting sick or dying, or the look of startle in your friend’s face just before a baseball is about to hit you in the head and you might move just in time not to get hit. Also, the flirtatious glance that’s returned may be the first sign that you have just found the love you’re looking for.
The ‘P’ stands for posture. Posture is another powerful conveyor of connection. Our open or closed posture signal powerful approach and avoidance signals to others. In one study, doctors who were told to sit down on rounds were rated as much warmer, more caring and estimated to have spent three to five times longer with their patients than doctors who stood up but used the exact same words.
The ‘A’ stands for affect. We are trained to label our patients’ affect as a way of orienting ourselves to the emotional experience of the person. Affect is the scientific term for expressed emotions. When you’re with someone, try just sort of labeling, you know is Jack upset? Is Jane excited? Is Sally upset? And it will change how you hear what they’re saying.
The ‘T’ stands for tone of voice. We have all heard the crack in someone’s voice who is about to cry. We’ve also heard the edge in someone’s voice who’s about to get angry. The area in our brain stem that’s responsible for the fight and flight response is the same area where the nuclei for tone of voice and facial expression reside.
This means that when we are emotionally activated, our tone of voice and our facial expressions change without our even trying. So this means that our emotions are constantly kind leaking out for all to see but some people’s emotions are a little more concealed than others. But with careful looking we can hear and see what these emotions are.
The ‘H’ stands for hearing the whole person. Far more than the words that people say, hearing the whole person means understanding the context in which other people live. It also means keeping your curiosity open and not judging until you really understand where that person is coming from.
The ‘Y’ stands for your response. We respond to other people’s feelings all the time. We might think that we only experience our own emotions but we’re constantly absorbing the feelings of others. It turns out that a helpful guide is that most feelings are actually mutual.
Think about how you feel when you’re in an airport and you see a mother embracing her son who has just returned from active duty. Think about how you feel when you see the face of a father who has just lost his daughter to dating violence. Think about how you feel when you see the looks on people’s faces who have lost their homes to hurricanes and tsunamis and the look on parents’ faces who have just lost their children to school shootings.
Our inner experience and feelings mirror those of others. Our human brain is actually hard wired for empathy, because our survival depends on it. We reflect the feelings of others, because that’s what is required for our survival. We all are here more because of mutual aid and cooperation than because of survival of the fittest.
If we were only wired for survival of the fittest, we’d be wired to dominate others and to only look out for ourselves but that’s not how we are made. As the Dalai Lama said ‘love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity will not survive’.
So how does this all work? We’ve all heard the expression, ‘I feel your pain’. Now for a moment, imagine you’re in a parking lot and you’ve just seen someone’s hand get slammed in a car door. Now I’ve seen people flinch even though nothing’s actually touched them and most people will actually feel like something physical just by imagining.
Neuroscientists have done some amazing studies trying to map the substrate of empathy. In one study, 16 couples were recruited and the women were put in head scanners while they received painful electric shocks to their hands. As you can see here the area in green represents that the entire pain matrix lit up when they received the shocks.
Later they were told that their partners had just received the same similar shocks to their hands. And you see the area in red represents almost the entire pain matrix just knowing that someone else is in pain. Our brains are working with shared neural circuits, shared neurons and some mirror neurons so that we actually have an internal experience of what happens to others.
So when we hear the expression ‘I feel your pain’, it’s not just a figure of speech. We are made for this and it happens not just with our loved ones. We are at a critical precipice with technology. Outsiders coming in and observing our society might guess that we have more intimate relationships with our smartphones than we do with our significant others.