And the next day you can wake up and think, I’m going to believe that everyone is kind of basically kind and good and will help me out and guess what you will find that too.
And the problem is that we form beliefs and we’ve been on the planet for 5 years, 6 years. I’m not lovable; love isn’t available. Success isn’t available; money isn’t available, even health or happiness, or believing I matter or I count that’s not available to me.
So I talked to him and said um, OK, so I’m getting your reasoning. Love wasn’t available and now it’s not available. But you didn’t appear to own swathes of London when you were 6 years old. You didn’t inherit this empire. You went out and got it. Why don’t you go out and get love.
And he went, but I don’t know how to do this.
I said well how do you know how to go out and buy all this land and all these hotels and all these apartments?
So eventually I got him to understand that it was just a belief. And I said do you know why you’re an alcoholic because it’s so painful to say I’m not lovable. Better to go I’m not lovable because I’m an alcoholic. I don’t have love because I’m an alcoholic. That’s easier than saying I’m not lovable.
So this is what my clients tell me: love isn’t available; relationships aren’t available; wealth isn’t available; success, health, happiness, praise… feeling I’m significant, believing I matter, even compliments are not available. But the biggest one — the one that’s on top of all the ones that should be on there we’ll fix it and the integral is love.
When you believe that love isn’t available is very painful and Diana was actually a fascinating girl to work with, because her mother left when she was four. She was pretty much raised by nannies and then sent to boarding school and she had a very interesting belief: love isn’t available. I can find love but I can’t keep it.
And because I’ve got so many amazing clients you know limos turn up at my house, bodyguards turn up at my house. I was standing in my neighbor’s garden and the others went oh I think that’s for you and this big limo came down my street and out got four bodyguards and two stood at the gate and one sit at my front door, one came in the house and out came this movie star. Michael Denis was always cool. I don’t understand why these people could… they’ve got everything. I’m like yeah except, I don’t feel lovable.
So people think that fame damages people. Actually I found the other way around: damaged people want to be famous. So let’s imagine someone standing here, they do because a little kid going… my parents don’t love me. I don’t have parents. I’m like a foster child or a stepchild. This isn’t fair. How can I find love? They said I know, I become rich and famous, and everyone would love me. They go over here and suddenly they’re rich and famous and they go ,yeah but you know what, they love this body, they love this talent, they love this voice. They don’t really love me and now they’re screwed because when they were over there, as they got, I am going to go over there and I’m going to be loved.
And I’m over here and I don’t feel any different than I felt before. I still feel unlovable. And now I’ve got nowhere to go except down and everyone knows about it. And that’s when a lot of my clients start to implode because the drive to be famous is because they never felt lovable. And when they get fame they still feel unlovable.
So Diana did what a lot of people do. She gave what she wanted to give. Do you know the percentage of nurses that come from dysfunctional families is astonishing; it really is a calling they give what they most want to get back — not all of them of course but a huge proportion.
And Diana could make everyone love her, she was magnetic. She was charming but she never ever believed that she was worthy of love. And the only person who wasn’t captivated and madly in love with Diana was Diana. She didn’t think she was lovable.
And Marilyn Monroe was very interesting. Someone asked me that if I worked with her, I’m like no I’m old enough to work with Marilyn Monroe but nevertheless I know an awful lot about Marilyn Monroe because she was a classic example. She was born and she was fostered immediately. Her parents didn’t want her .Mother gave her up; father didn’t want to know and she went into the foster system.
And when she was two-and-a-half, she lived with a foster mother who had her own child, also two and a half. And of course her own son would go mama, mama, mama and Marilyn started to go mama, mama, mama. And the foster woman went no, no, you mustn’t call me mama. I’m not your mama. You can call me auntie.
And every time they went to a park or a playground, Marilyn would go there’s a mama, there’s a mama, there’s a mama because she knew she didn’t have one, she felt completely different. And she kind of was already forming this belief that she was never going to have the love that other people had.
And she went through life with an interesting belief that love is available for a little while, because she would get a bit of love in the foster care, then she get moved. And when she’s married to Arthur Miller, she was planning her divorce on the day she got married to him because of her belief that I’m not really lovable, I can’t get it, I can’t keep it. And her shrink could settle on it in Marilyn, what is going on with you? No I’ve just seen this footage of you dancing him out of all these G eyes, you’ve sewn into this dress, everything’s falling out and you have no underwear on. What is that about? And I’m going to quote what she said word for word, she said, “I need everyone to love me. I must belong to the whole world because I have never belonged to anyone or anything in my whole life. And I fear that I never ever will.” And that is a word-for-word quote. I need the whole world to love me. I must belong. I’ve never belonged to anyone or anything.