Home » Maureen McGrath: No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame (Transcript)

Maureen McGrath: No Sex Marriage – Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating and Shame (Transcript)

I have a clinical practice where I see patients that have sexual dysfunction and there are two questions that I ask everybody. And the first one is: are you sexually active? It’s obvious. And when I ask women they never say yes or no. Well they never say yes but they never say yes or no. They say sometimes, sort of, I’m not sure. He is, or they say I’m married. I say, well that means no to me. They say yes you’re right, it is no.

Most men complain that women never initiate sex. The reason for this is because once again the sex education we provide to women. Women falsely believe that female sexual interest desire precede sexual activity when in actuality it is sexual activity that prompts sexual interest and desire. Sexual arousal emerges as a result of sexual activity.

So you guys, I know intimacy is important to you. The most important question that reflects this that I received from you is how much masturbation is too much masturbation? So I just say, well as long as you can go to work, you should be fine. And then I realize that that’s perhaps all that you’re doing at work. So I know intimacy is important, you want to come home and you want to make love to your wife if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. So after a long and quite possibly very hard day, you come home to a bit of chaos perhaps, maybe you’ve just got sex on the mind and she says did you remember the milk and you’re like darn, the milk! I forgot the milk. Don’t beat yourselves up about it, if not for the milk we have Facebook, hormones, I’m feeling a little tired tonight. My stomach is sticking out, I’m feeling kind of fed, can’t do it tonight.

Didn’t we have sex last month and you’re like that was actually last year, you don’t get it. I mean literally you don’t get it but you’re like she’s amazing. She works in and outside of the home. She does a great job with the kids. She volunteers, she even has time for girls nights out.

So I brought a friend home after one such girls night out, as we approached her house, drove up, she looked up to her bedroom window, saw that the lights were on and she said, “Donnie’s waiting up for me. Do me a favor, drive around the block a few times until the light goes out”.

I said, “Listen, you get in there and make love to your husband before somebody else does, because that is one thing that will increase a woman’s sexual desire when someone else wants her man”.

Still unconvinced, she said, “I decided to extol the health and beauty benefits that sex has for a woman, a youthful glow, better sleep, wrinkle free skin”. ‘Keep driving’, she said.

There is a device that will increase anybody sexual desire and that happens to be the Mercedes-Benz 4MATIC Convertible SL and it comes in 64 colors but if that doesn’t do it, the desire to have a baby will rev up any woman sex drive. The problem is having that baby is likely to kill it along with any marital eroticism a couple may have had, because a lot of people believe that motherhood and being sexual is incongruous.

John. John followed me on LinkedIn for two years before he mustered up the courage to make an appointment about his sexless marriage. He’d been married for seven years and they had never consummated the relationship. Their parents were pressuring them to have children because they wanted grandchildren.

When they came into my clinical practice, the second question that I ask everybody that enters my clinical practice most unfortunately is: have you ever experienced sexual abuse or unwanted sexual advances as a child? This was the first time this gentleman had learned that his wife had experienced sexual abuse as a six-year-old at the hands of her best friend’s father. She thought sex is dirty, she hated sex. We need a worldwide moratorium on ending sexual violence on our children, boys and girls, because it happens to both.

Healing from sexual abuse takes a lifetime. Ella had lived a lifetime, a widow. She said she wasn’t sexually active but she hoped to be. I thought fantastic. Somebody is going to have sex here. But she said the problem, Maureen, is that these old guys can’t get it up anymore. I said, “Well, Ella, you might have to go for a younger guy”. She said, what’s younger when you’re 84. 70? Yes, some of you are saying. The hard truth is that men in their thirties and forties may experience erectile dysfunction. Ella is going to have to go for a millennial.

So you’re all probably thinking what’s the big deal — why treat my erectile dysfunction? Well, I liken the penis to a plane. If the pilot can’t get the plane up in the air and keep the plane in the air for the entire trip, there’s probably a problem with the engine. So if you can’t get your penis up and keep it up for the entire sexual experience, there’s likely a problem with your engine. Well that’s your heart. Erectile dysfunction is the canary in the coal mine and it may signify cardiovascular disease. It may also indicate diabetes. So these two medical conditions in addition to low testosterone, stress, substance use and abuse, excessive alcohol consumption, unresolved conflict, financial issues, all of those may contribute to low sexual desire and you may end up in a sexless marriage.

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