And in all that distress and grief, somehow or the other, those words were so magical that they kept me going.
I was trying to put that smile on my face all the time, was hiding. It was so hard to hide the pain which was there. But all I knew was that if I will give up, my mother and my brothers will give up too. I cannot see them crying with me.
So what kept me going was, one day I asked my brothers, I know, I have a deformed hand but I am tired of looking at these white walls in the hospital and wearing these white scraps. I am getting tired of this. I want to add more colors to my life. I want to do something. Bring me some colors, bring me some small candles; I want to paint.
So the very first painting I made was on my deathbed where I painted for the very first time. It was not just an art piece or just my passion. It was my therapy. What an amazing therapy it was. Without uttering a single word, I could paint my heart out. I could share my story.
People used to come and say, ‘What a lovely painting!” So much color, nobody see the grief in it. Only I could.
So that’s how I spent my two and half months in my hospital, crying never complaining or whining but painting.
And then I was discharged. And I went back home.
And I went back home and I realized that I have developed a lot of pressure ulcers on my back and on my hipbone. I was unable to sit. There were a lot of infections in my body, a lot of allergies.
So doctors wanted me to lie down on the bed straight. For not six months, for not 1 year, but for two years; I was bed ridden, confined in that one room, looking outside the window, listening to the birds chirping, and thinking maybe there will be a time when we will be going out with the family and enjoying the nature.
That was the time where I realized how lucky people are but they don’t realize. That is the time where I realized that, the day I going to sit, I am going to share this pain with everyone to make them realize how blessed they are and they even don’t consider them lucky.
There are always turning points in your life. There was a rebirth day that I celebrated. After two years and two and half months when I was able to sit on a wheel chair, that was the day when I had the rebirth.
I was a completely different person. I still remember, the day I sat on the wheelchair for the first time knowing that I am never going to leave this, knowing that I won’t be able to walk for the rest of my life, I saw myself in the mirror and I talked to my self.
And I still remember what I said. I cannot wait for a miracle to come and make me walk. I cannot sit in the corner of the room crying, cripping and begging for mercy because nobody has time.
So I have to accept myself the way I am, the sooner the better. So, I applied the lip color for the first time. And I erased it. And I cried and I said what am I doing. A person on a wheelchair should not do this. What will people say? Clean it up. Put it again. This time I put it for myself.
Because I wanted to feel perfect from within. And that day I decided I am going to life of myself. I am not going to be that perfect person for someone. I am just going to take this moment and I will make it perfect for myself.
And you know how it all began. That day I decided that I am going to fight my fears. We all have fears. Fear of unknown, fear of known. Fear of losing people. Fear of losing health, money. We want to excel in career. We want to become famous. We want get money. We are scared all the time.
So I wrote down one by one, all those fears. And I decided that I am going to overcome these fears one at a time. You know what was my biggest fear? Divorce. I couldn’t stand this word.
I was trying to cling on to this person who didn’t want me anymore. But I said no, I have to make it work. But the day I decided that this is nothing but my fear, I liberated myself by setting him free. And I made myself emotionally so strong that the day I got news that he is getting married, I sent him a text and said, “I am so happy for you and I wish you all the best”. And he knows that I pray for him today.
My biggest fear number two was: I won’t be able to be a mother again, and that was quite devastating for me. But then I realized there are so many children in the world, all they want is acceptance. So there is no point of crying, just go and adopt one. That’s what I did.