Some people have this idea that we are drawn to danger. Why do we date the person who we know is historically unfaithful and a liar? They tell us about their last partner, and they cheated on them, but somehow we still think that, “Oh, they are going to be different with us.”
Meanwhile, the good person is there, the good guy who is honest, faithful, trustworthy, loves you, but we ignore them. I have an example and don’t laugh. It’s the bachelorette. Has anyone paid attention to Bachelorette recently? Yes. Okay, one person, thank you.
So Des, who is the Bachelorette, she is down to three guys, two of which are madly in love with her. Madly in love with her. They tell her, they’re affectionate, they write poems, they sing songs, all this wonderful stuff.
Who does she fall in love with? The guy that doesn’t love her. And he tells her, he breaks her heart – I don’t know what’s going to happen, there is only one show left – but I think this is symbolic of life. We do this all the time, we see our friends making these decisions.
So love rules our mind. It seems like we are addicted to drugs, we’re obsessed, we’re compulsive with this idea of love; we can’t sleep. Either we can’t eat, or when we do eat it that cheeseburger, it tastes so delicious because now we’re in love, everything is amplified.
So this is my favorite quote here. It reminds me of the lady who wants to “un-Peter-Pan” the guys that she dates – “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It annoys the pig, and it wastes your time.”
I am not saying that men are pigs – and if they were pigs, women are just as much pigs as they are – but why are we constantly trying to change people? We go into this relationship, and pigs can’t sing, and yet, we keep trying to get them to sing, and it’s just – you know, it’s annoying, and it wastes your time.
Meanwhile, you’re in that relationship for two years, and you’ve wasted all that time when really, there are so many opportunities out there for you.
So, how do we fix this? Short list, but hard.
We have to open our heart to a real self-assessment. The woman who asked for advice sat in a circle of all of her friends – we were just hanging out in the backyard having a barbeque – and she refused to listen to every single one of them, who all said the same thing. We have to open up our heart to a self-assessment. What is going on with us? What are we doing to contribute to these relationships? What are we afraid of? Do we think we are not worth it? Do we think we have to settle for this person?
You have to get healthier, and on the path to being healthier we have to get to know ourselves. I can’t tell you how many people say – Well, they go out on a date and they go, “Oh, I hope that they’ll like me.”
I say, “What?! I hope you like them! Who cares if they like you?”
You need to assess this person to figure out if they’re a good fit for you. If our entire focus in dating is “I hope that they like me,” well no wonder we make bad decisions. And then you have the person who always says, “Well, let me just put it out there. I’m just going to tell you everything that I’m looking for. Well I want this kind of person who does this, and who is interested in this.”
Well, the unscrupulous person who just kind of wants to land you in bed is going to tell you all of that stuff that you’ve just told them. So, instead of putting everything out there and letting them become who you want, temporarily, to get what they want, you need to take a step back and figure out what are the most important things for you.
Think of three questions. If you really want to get married and have kids, and you’re 35, well, that should be one of the first questions you ask, are you interested in getting married? I’m not saying to me, I’m not saying tomorrow, but is this in your plan? Because there are many people out there that say, “No way. I am good. If I never get married, I’ll be happy.”
So we have to be more bold. We have to know what we want, and be stubborn only about the really important stuff.
I had a friend who said – she didn’t want to date anybody who ever in their entire life did drugs, including pots, and I said: “Well, most people have done drugs, at least once in their life. So, I don’t know – I mean is that really important?” Like I could see if they’re a pothead, smoking every week, and they’re not going to work and, all that stuff, I get it. But we have to really be wise about what we’re looking for. How about “Let’s be stubborn about honesty?” “Is the person honest?”; that’s what we want to be stubborn about.