Life & Style

Stephen Colbert on America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t (Transcript)

Eric Schmidt: Now, I want to explore —

Stephen Colbert: Did anyone — hold on. Did anyone recognize — I’m sorry I’m stopping you in the middle asking me a question. But it’s Google, and there are no rules. I’ve been told I have to keep my pants on. But that’s it. And that he will enforce it strictly. You will enforce this strictly. Did anyone recognize Saint Anselm’s argument for the ontological existence of God? Yes, you did? Move to the head of the class, where you already are.

Eric Schmidt: He actually used Google. You pretty much ran for president and raised a Super PAC and so forth.

Stephen Colbert: Yeah. I did absolutely have a Super PAC. And I kind of ran for president. I ran as much for president as I wanted to avoid violating federal law.

Eric Schmidt: OK. Good answer.

Stephen Colbert: Good lawyer.

Eric Schmidt: Now, Jim DeMint has just announced —

Stephen Colbert: Jim DeMint, yes. Jim’s a friend. But go ahead.

Eric Schmidt: He’s just announced that he’s retiring. And it occurs to me that you might want to — you’re from South Carolina originally, I think.

Stephen Colbert: Yes. I’m from South Carolina, the palmetto state.

Eric Schmidt: You might want to run for Senate. Have you considered —

Stephen Colbert: No, I do not want to run for Senate. I want Nikki Haley to just appoint me to Senate. That’s the great thing. People are asking me, are you going to run for Senate? I’m like, no. Why would you run? She just gets to say, it’s you. So yeah. I’m honored by what you’re implying and by the groundswell that I’ve felt. But obviously, that’s something I have to take up with my family and my pastor before I decide whether to take that position. Is there another question, Senator?

Eric Schmidt: Do you think that Bill O’Reilly would be a better choice?

Stephen Colbert: He’s not from South Carolina. But he’s a very talented man. And I sincerely admire his broadcasting abilities.

Eric Schmidt: But you’re locked in a deathly battle.

Stephen Colbert: With Bill right now?

Eric Schmidt: Yes.

Stephen Colbert: Oh, you mean over the —

Eric Schmidt: The book.

Stephen Colbert: Over the book, exactly. Bill’s got a book out called “Killing Kennedy.” And I admire his obsession with terrible things happening to presidents. He’s got “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Kennedy,” “Sodomizing Coolidge.” That’s a kids’ book. And he was on Jon Stewart’s show. And he said his next book’s going to be called “Killing Colbert.” And it broke my character’s heart so much to hear papa bear say that. So we launched operation killing “Killing Kennedy,” where I’m just telling my audience out there — I’m not telling you to buy my book. I don’t want to abuse the relationship. But I’m just reminding them, if you’re going to buy my book — and you are. If you’re going to buy my book, just do it all in one week so we can leapfrog at least one of his killing books.

Eric Schmidt: Which week do you want us to all buy your book?

Stephen Colbert: Right now. As we speak.

Eric Schmidt: Right now? This week?

Stephen Colbert: Yes, right now. Go right now and go to a local bookstore, a small bookstore, a big bookstore, online.

Eric Schmidt: Your book is on Google Play.

Stephen Colbert: What does that mean?

Eric Schmidt: It’s our online store. You’re going to end up being your best —

Stephen Colbert: Yeah, I know all about Google Play. Really?

Eric Schmidt: Yes.

Stephen Colbert: Go to Google Play.

Eric Schmidt: Absolutely.

Stephen Colbert: And what happens there?

Eric Schmidt: People are going to pay you lots of money to buy your book.

Stephen Colbert: Well, then it’s a wonderful service. Excellent. So you go there, and you click on it? It’s like going to — it’s like that one that’s named after a rainforest? You go to that one, and you click on it, and you get it?

Eric Schmidt: Yes, it’s the competitor to the rainforest.

Stephen Colbert: Good.

Eric Schmidt: And furthermore it’s —

Stephen Colbert: Good. Because we got to preserve that rainforest. We got to start making books out of that rainforest. Do you get a physical book from you guys, or is it all the ebook thing?

Eric Schmidt: It’s an ebook thing.

Stephen Colbert: It’s only ebook?

Eric Schmidt: You can get a physical book, too. We’ll sell you one of those.

Stephen Colbert: You will?

Eric Schmidt: Yeah, we’ll get it through your publisher.

Stephen Colbert: Good.

Eric Schmidt: At list price, no less.

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By Pangambam S

I have been a Transcriber and Editor in the transcription industry for the past 15 years. Now I transcribe and edit at If you have any questions or suggestions, please do let me know. And please do share this post if you liked it and help you in any way.