What a coincidence! Of all the boats in all of Attiki, you walk into mine. The son of whose mother you are screwing, and it is… Hello, Yannis, the son. The lady who you’re having kind of relations with. What a — a pleasure to meet you. This kind of — also, right? No one you ever want to say it to you ever does, right? Because if Bill Gates comes up to me and goes, “I screw your mother.” I’ll be like, “Daddy…! You’re home!”
“And will all be going to Cannes, on my jet.” So I wish the Greeks would temper their rage that immediate “Mmm!” that happens. I don’t expect them to become like the English, no, “Dear Sir, I regret to inform…I screwed your mother.” just a little bit more of a thing.
Also, the other thing I’ve really come to enjoy about the UK, and I know this is weird for a Greek person, is the weather. I know, I know, I know, I know! Oh, one person going, “Yes! You tell them. It rains!” The thing is I keep trying to explain to the British that everywhere else in the world, clouds are functional rather than an aesthetic choice. In the UK, the clouds arriving, just go, “Hi, we are here. We’re going to just sit here, maybe a bit lower, do nothing, hi.”
In other countries, when the clouds arrive, it’s going to rain and the heaven is open, water pours down, water so thick you cannot see through it. So it’s like, “Where is my Tzatziki?”
“Behind the rain? Who knows?” That lasts for two hours, then stops, the sun comes out, and we forget about it.
In the UK, the same amount of water, takes 24 hours to come down. Because in the UK, rain is that really soft mist, it’s like a cat’s spayed your tent to show it’s its territory, you know what I mean? It’s a very gentle thing. It’s a tipi-tap, it’s called drizzle, and that’s what I’ve come to love because drizzle is rain being quintessentially British, right? It’s rain going, “I’m terribly sorry, I’m coming down, I don’t need to be in the way, I’m just going to came around you, I won’t get anyone wet, I promise, just pretend I am not here. Shh, no, no! Everyone will know I am here. You are not — Missing the point — I don’t — did I get you wet? How clumsy of me. I do apologize. I didn’t mean to do that, I’m just going to come over here. I’ll be gone in 5 minutes. I promise, I am so sorry, I do apologize. 24 hours, and I am still here, it’s getting awkward now, isn’t it? I don’t mean to be doing this. I’m going to be — really.. I’m so sorry. Really, don’t — I am just going – I am the Hugh Grant of moisture.”
And my hair absorbs moisture! So whenever it drizzles my hair goes pfff! And a mile radius around me stays completely dry. And I look like I’ve all of the Jackson 4 on my head. Because he is dead.
Now the thing is that I am in the UK. Well, I went in the UK to act. And that’s when I discovered that I am not Greek enough because I used to be sent up for auditions for Greek and Mediterranean parts, only to be told that I don’t look Greek enough. I’ll translate that for you; it means that I don’t have a mono-brow and a mustache, because Irini Papa has cast a very long shadow. I usually got feedback of the kind, you now, “We are looking for someone who looks like Salma Hayek.” She is Mexican.
So I went up for casting for the movie “Troy”; Do we remember? The movie “Troy”? So I went up for one of the small parts, one of the slave girls that had only one line. And my line was, “More chicken, my Lord?” And I did that really well, so I ended up in the final five, and they line us up, and the casting director comes in, and goes, “Oh, no, no, no, no. You’re too fair to be Greek!”
I said, “Who? What now…?”
“You’re too fair to be Greek!”
I was like, “I am too fair to be Greek? I am the only Greek in the room!”
I am too fair to be Greek in a movie where the Greek warrior Achilles, is played by Brad freaking Pitt! I’m too fair to be Greek?! I didn’t get the part. An Albanian girl got it. Go over there, take our jobs.
Where is Kaplani? I mean acting and comedy are just steps for my final twelve-step-plan for global domination! I’ll find the pose, it’ll be better than this, I promise. Because you know, I think I’m Greek, we did it before I can do it again. Bring it on! I think the world will be lovely place if everyone listens to me. It’s going to be a little bit like Hitler, with less genocide, more hair, and really good shoes. So more like Dubai. I am going to wear a crown and a robe, tell people what to do and they’ll do it, it’s going to be lovely.
I’ve recently realized I’ll probably end up looking like a kindergarten teacher trying to manage an unruly classroom, so I am going to turn up in a crown and a robe looking a bit stupid, making grandiose announcements like, “Hello! I am Katerina Vrana, hello! I am going to be your global dominatrix for the foreseeable future!” Please lay all gifts by my — What is it, Thailand? Yes, Thailand, you may massage my feet. You are very good. Israel, Palestine, be quiet! They don’t shut up, Somalia darling, why are you dressed up as a pirate? No, that’s likely inappropriate. What…? Well done, America. Everyone, America has done a drawing. Yes, dear. No, we can all see, yes! The black man is in the white house. And he’s still alive. Hasn’t America done well, everyone?