Here is the full transcript of youth empowerment activist Quita Christison’s talk titled “The New 5 Second Rule: Redefining the First Impression” at TEDxPortsmouth conference.
Listen to the MP3 Audio: The New 5 Second Rule – Redefining the First Impression by Quita Christison at TEDxPortsmouth
Best quote from this talk:
“Five seconds is all it takes to have a first impression. First impressions are the point of no return. You’ve started to judge the other person.”
So there’s a small chance in this short amount of time that you’ve had a little moment to notice something about me. That was about five seconds.
Five seconds is all it takes to have a first impression. First impressions are the point of no return. You’ve started to judge the other person.
A nicer way to say this is: you’ve started to form an opinion or conclusion about that person. Your brain saw me and immediately tried to put me into categories from most obvious to least: small female incredible fashion-sense, and so on and so forth.
Yes, I’m a little person. I have Pyknodysostosis which results in a rare form of dwarfism that has me fairly proportional. So for unfocused eyes, at four feet five inches, I can appear to be a nine-year-old girl and sometimes people treat me as such.
They let their unconscious categorization of me lead the way in how they’re going to treat me. I don’t want you to believe I haven’t done something similar to others. I’m not special. I’m just as human. We’ve all messed up.
We’ve all put our foot in our mouths. I’m going to go as far as to say if you haven’t, have you really lived?
But what happens when we act on these snap judgments? It’s uncomfortable for everyone. It’s not a good feeling and it sticks with you. If you’re the one that has messed up, hopefully you learn.
If you’re on the receiving end, it sticks with you as well. And you learn to put your guard up or live life a little less authentically.
For me there are times I feel like I can’t wear that bright red lipstick or the fun clothes that my peers can get away with. And I usually have some quip if they’re ready, or I am overly polite when I’m offered a sticker or… literally… or if an adult asks the friends that I’m with, if I’m old enough to try the samples at Costco.
This literally happens the chocolate protein smoothie was not worth it. I have a catalogue of these types of stories but I’m not here to chastise something that we all do. It’s a human thing for the brain to categorize. It’s how our ancestors decided if something was safe or if we were in danger.
This instinct is completely valid in those dark alley moments. But in everyday encounters we aren’t in the prey-predator situation and yet our brain still has this innate need to categorize.
And when someone doesn’t immediately fit into a category, we tend to stare. It’s our brain’s little trick of giving an extra time to see if it can find a category for that person to belong in. But in these moments, we aren’t seeing the world as it is. We see it as we are. We use ourselves as the frame of reference.
How is this person different or similar for me? Taller, shorter, fatter, thinner, more or less tattooed? And we typically aren’t aware of our initial unconscious, hopefully, hidden reaction which is why we need a tool to create a bit of space to become aware.
I want to take you from 5 seconds of unconscious judging to 5 seconds of conscious observation. I want you to know that you have a choice in how you’re going to perceive, react, and regard your first impression. It’s the New Five-Second Rule.
Instead of taking five seconds to involuntarily judge someone, take five seconds to STOP. S… T… O… P – See The Other Person.
It’s not a blank stare. One, two, three, four, five… or a side-eye, or my favorite the up and down. I also find it funny when people look at me and then immediately down to my feet, like maybe they think I’m standing in a hole.
It’s five seconds. It’s taking that first moment when seeing or meeting someone for the first time to ask yourself: how do I want to think? How do I want to act? What is the other person showing me?
In other words, take five seconds to really observe. Think of the moment at a four-way intersection, their crosswalks, and there are stop signs.
In life, when there aren’t stop signs, we only continue focusing on where we are going and what our sense of direction is.
But a stop sign indicates that you should stop and see if there are others who are also trying to make their way in the world. It gives us a chance to see them and respond.
That’s what I want you to do when intersecting with others. STOP: See The Other Person.
Now I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy because it’s hard, we have culturally ingrained instincts and categories and our brains hardwire what we learn pretty quickly. By the time we can measure our categorization, it’s too late to change but we can still learn to adjust what we do with our awareness.
We can create a moment to stop, to see the other person, to see they look eager to say hello, or see something about them not in comparison to ourselves.
STOP, so you can see past your initial perception to the person actually in front of you. If everyone took five seconds to STOP, see the other person, we could go from judging to using our judgment.
If we stopped, we could realize that our first impression might be based on a categorization that packages in the other person, boxes them in. And this leads us on how we are going to respond, regard and respect them.
Think of the respect you could give first instead of an apology later. The world doesn’t need more apologies; it needs more respect.
So let’s say you leave here and you’re walking along thinking about all the amazing things you’re learning, when bang… you meet someone, here is your chance: what are you going to do? STOP. See the other person.
Well, what’s that? STOP. See the other person.
One more time… STOP: See the other person. It’s five seconds. Honestly it takes longer to say STOP: See the other person than to actually do it. Clear any notion or story that you’re creating about that person and let them show you who they are.
Seeing them as a person, that’s what I want you to focus on. That’s the most important word in this acronym I’ve given you: person. Remember that every person deserves respect.
Please STOP: see the other person. See them for who they are. You have the power to create connection and understanding. All it takes is five seconds.
Download This Transcript as PDF here: The New 5 Second Rule – Redefining the First Impression_ Quita Christison (Transcript)
Resources for Further Reading:
The 100 Percent Rule That Will Change Your Life: Benjamin Hardy (Transcript)
The 90/90/1 Rule: Robin Sharma (Transcript)
How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior by Leonard Mlodinow (Transcript)
The Energy of Thought: Penny Zenker at TEDxPSUBehrend (Transcript)