Kenny Sebastian – Indian stand up comedian
Thank you so much. It means a lot.
You guys are the positive audience. Okay? There’s a positive audience that comes out and supports live comedy. It’s great. You could’ve done anything. You could’ve watched Netflix or whatever. Fought traffic. Came late, also. But, it’s okay .You came. It’s nice.
There’s always a negative to this, right? You guys are supporting comedy, there’s a negative audience which hates comedy, dude. Like they hate it. Not dislike. They hate jokes, okay? They will be sitting at home and they see a joke on YouTube and they’ll be like… And they get up and their wife is like, “What happened? – I’m angry. Where’re you going? – I’m going to the police station. Why? -To file an FIR. Are you insane? – Yes. And they go. They wear their slippers and all. And they go to the police station.
Cop! Cop is like, “What?” I want to file an FIR – Of course I’ll do this. I’ll file an FIR for a joke. Other important shit, I won’t do. Yeah. Come. Even the pen is angry. The pen is also… I’ve lost my phone five times and I didn’t file an FIR because I’m lazy. Okay? But, these guys don’t like a joke and they file an FIR.
It’s amazing. I’ve lot of respect for that. Because angry and delusional people are so productive, dude. They’re so productive. It’s not fair. All the smart people are like. But, I’ve to click this for the rainforests. If I click this, the rainforest will get saved? But, I don’t want to click because I want to click on suggested videos. Anyway. So, there’s that audience.
There’s negative audience. You guys are the positive audience. There’s one that’s worse, third category. Which is, the audience that gives feedback Holy shit. I would take an FIR over feedback. Any day I’m kidding. I don’t want both. Okay? Every time I upload a video on YouTube I upload it and you get the usual comments. Right? You get the haha, very funny. LOL haha. Relatable af. One guy’s like, “You’re only getting fans because you’re cute, buddy.” I’m like, “Yeah. I know I know.”
I know. All these comments. Thanks. All these comments, great expected but there’s this one guy who’ll always like “I love the jokes and observations. They’re very clever.” Ha ha ha But, the real question I want to ask is, “Are you aware of the massive following you have?” Young people look up to you. So, my question to you, Kenneth Sebastian is when are you going to talk about issues? The real issues. Socio political issues. Religious issues. Political issues. Shh shh shh shh shh. Shh shh issues? Space shh shh enter. Okay?
So then I realize that people don’t realize that I’m self aware, okay? I know why I do jokes about restaurants and tea. Okay? It’s not by accident. It’s not like I get up in the morning. Hey, filter coffee is weird this. That’s not why I write. Because whenever I’ve done jokes about tea I make jokes about biscuits. You’ve seen my videos. I do jokes on biscuits. Yes. Ah, see all the love I’m getting. This is lovely.
I’ve never done a joke on biscuits and suddenly I can hear a knock on my door. And suddenly a Parle G biscuit is like, “What did you say, you dog?” That’s never happened because biscuits are non violent. I’ve never seen brutality of two like Parle G brutally murdered by Bourbon. It’s never happened. Okay? That’s why I do jokes on simple stuff that won’t get me in trouble.
People ask me, “Why don’t you do jokes on religion?” Really? Because I’m not insane. Yeah. Because we’re not ready for jokes on religion. I’m sorry, guys. I know you guys think you’re damn cool and open and all. But, no, buddy. You’re not. You’re not ready. Yeah, maybe 60 years from now. When I’m old and I’m in one like open mic and I’ll be like you, “You know, one day, Jesus walks into a bar.” See, all of you have become quiet. Okay? All of you. It’s a hypothetical situation. And all of you become. Half of you are not even Christians. But, you’re like I should be quiet. And it’s a stupid joke. Jesus doesn’t walk into a bar. He can turn water into wine. He doesn’t have to what anyway. So, you guys are not ready, okay? So, religion is out.
Why don’t I do jokes on politics? Because our government is super chill. Yay! Yay! Yay! Super chill, our government is. Our government is so bipolar, it’s not even funny. If I dated someone like the government, I would break up on the first day. Our government is insane, okay? Like rapes are happening. People are getting murdered and shit. Journalists are getting shot in the head. The government is like… Suddenly Padmavati releases somewhere. It’s like. What the Oh oh… The government is a film buff. Okay. That’s the problem.
Why I don’t do jokes on politics is because I am scared. That’s why. That’s why. It’s not like I can’t get punchlines on political jokes. It’s because I don’t want to get punched on my face. That’s why. Okay? And you’re like, “Kenny, you’re scared? Really, bro?” You’re scared? You’re protected. You’re in Mumbai. You’re the one per cent, you know Privileged class. How can you be scared? No, I feel scared. It’s sad.
When you’re in a democracy and you feel scared. It’s sad, you know. You don’t believe me, right? Okay. Go to a movie theater and don’t stand for the National Anthem. Oh shit got real! When you stand up and that fear the goosebumps come, that’s called fear, buddy. Forget that. That’s too ballsy. Just think about not standing for the National Anthem. And from the popcorn, one rifle will come out like this. Sorry Opposition Party. Hello. That’s called fear. Okay? So, I feel scared. Okay? And that’s another problem I told you, right?
People who are very angry and corrupt have the best employees. They’re so productive. Politicians are so productive, dude. They love like people who work for politicians are so awesome. They love their job. How many people love their job here? Not many. All goons love their job. Goons love their job. They’re like, “Sir, who do we have to kill?” “Who do we have to kill, sir?” They’re just… Their hand itches. Goons are damn productive, dude.
Like bank employees hate their job. Okay. There’s no bank employee who’s like today ten home loans, bro. Bank employees are the only people who hate you for coming into the bank. I don’t understand. I don’t. Dude, I don’t want to be. Nobody wants to be there. You enter a bank, like, “Excu – They’re like, “What do you want?” Like they test you. If you’re in the right place. The bank employee is like, “Are you sure you have a bank account here? You’re sure?” You’re sure? This is the home branch. You’re sure? If it’s not the home branch, I will freaking slap you. What is this? Why do you? That’s why I like ATMs. They’e sweet. Bank employees hate their job. Goons love their jobs.
And rightfully so, okay? Goons are super nice and productive. They’re over productive, actually. Like sometimes, they’ll do more than what’s required. Like, “Boss, we didn’t know who to kill. We killed the whole family.” Sir, on the way there was a bus. The bus didn’t let us overtake. We burned the bus also, sir. Sir, practice. We had to practice.
And goons are so health conscious. All goons are fit. And they’re buff! They’re huge. Chest and biceps. Chest and biceps. Chest and Biceps. And I don’t know why they wear such tight t-shirts .I don’t know. All goons will go to the store “I’ll have that shirt.” Like, “Sir, what’s your size? 45?” – No, no, no 12. Tight t-shirts. They want their shirt to be scared of them. Yeah yeah. Remember who owns you. Like their bicep is craving for help.
Okay. Sorry. Sorry. They’re damn productive, dude. Goons I like them. And also, they’re happy. They’re happy employees. Because they get paid on time. Yeah. Goons get paid on the same day. You know any freelancers here? Yeah. See you laughed. You know what I’m going to say. There are freelancers who haven’t been paid since a year and they’re still chasing. Hello, sir. Please give, sir. Sir, please. I did wedding photography for you. Baby has also come out, sir. Please. They don’t give. They don’t pay on time. Goons on the same day. You give the dead body, you get the cash. On the same day, buddy. Throw the body like that. Throw the body like that. At the same time, you’ll get cash. And they play catch, dude. With the cash.
They’ll open the bag and like, “Hey” Chintu, – Yes, sir. This is for you – Oh sir, thank you. Hey, isn’t it your sister’s wedding? – Yes, sir. How do you know? Hey, I care about my employees. Here another – 2 lakhs, sir. What? They play catch. It’s a big “fuck you” to teachers. Teachers don’t get paid enough. They don’t get paid enough at all in any part of our country. Teachers, when they go to the principal, they’re like, “Can we get some benefits?” Students hate us. You hate us. Parents hate us. Can we get some benefits? Principal says, “Yeah.” Two months summer holiday, you also get. How sad is that.
Goons are damn nice. There’s no goon who’s ever raised an invoice. Yeah. There’s no goon like, “Sir, can I get your email ID. I’ve been asking since that time.” October was village burning. November was city burning. December was country burning. So can I please maintain a record of my corruption. It’s organised crime, sir. For a reason. It’s nice. That’s when I realized that I’m performing for the wrong audience. You guys are nice and all. Okay.
But, the thing is, you guys ask for jokes and all. But, when I go jail, none of you fuckers will come. It’s okay. It’s okay. Keep asking. Do jokes on Modi. Fuck you. When I go to jail, you be like, “Anyway he’s not that funny. Leave it.” If you come to jail with me, nicely we’ll do jokes. It’s the worst part.
That comedian is in jail. The joke was not that funny also. I don’t see the Really, dude. He’s in jail. For a joke. That’s when I realized wrong audience! I want to be number one goon comedian. Number one. Okay? Because if Imagine this entire auditorium is filled with goons, okay? Full chest everywhere. There’s chest. Like if I do a stage dive, I’ll bounce back. Chest. When they fart, protein smells comes out. Yeah. So much protein they have. It’s the best. And I’ll do goon jokes.
Like, goon relatable jokes only. I’ll be like, “Don’t you hate it when you put chloroform and they get up half way when you’re beating them up?” Damn embarrassing, dude. Bro, if they don’t stand up for the National Anthem, we’ll break their legs. Bro, if you break their legs, how will they stand up for the National Anthem? Goon comedy. So, yes.
So, in closing, that’s why I don’t do jokes on politics. Because I like my family. I don’t want them to burn them. I don’t want them to be crispy. Medium rare is fine.