Here is the full transcript of Linh Luong Thuy’s talk titled “Befriending Jealousy” at TEDxYouth@Hanoi 2021 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Power of Jealousy
What if I tell you that jealousy is actually a good thing? When I was a kid, my mom always told me, “Honey, I would love to see you as a doctor when you grow up.” But sometimes it went like, “A content creator would be perfectly fit for you.” I don’t know, she wanted me to be everything, anything except for the only thing that took my interest: modeling.
I was so obsessed with how gracefully and powerfully the models strut down the international runway. I remember one day I was watching a random YouTube video. I was so amazed by the scenes of Victoria’s Secret models with fit bodies, wavy hair, and huge wings. They looked godly.
And all of a sudden, I realized that this is my dream. This is what I want. I desperately want it. My heart was set on this, on becoming a Victoria’s Secret model.
So how to become one of them? I asked myself. “Ah, I’ll Google every requirement needed.” So here’s what I found: height, 170 to 185, checked, perfect.
Meeting the Requirements
I’m right in between. Bust, 86. Oh my god, I’m the Victoria that you’re looking for! Waist, 61.
I was a bit chubby at that time, but gyms and workouts will help, right? So 61 is a can. Hips, well, 90. I was a bit bigger, but they want the hourglass body, so perfect, checked.
Small nose, full lips, high cheekbones, all checked. Inner beauty, well, I guess they are talking about personality, right? Well, I am quite well-mannered, so checked. Agency, I heard that I have to sign with an international modeling agency.
Oh, they have online registration, so it’s a can.
I just need to send them all of my photos. So it’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5 out of 7? Oh my god, it’s already more than half.
The Setback
I’m so close to where I want to be. But then I read a newspaper saying that most Victoria’s Secret models are scouted at a very early age, 13 to 15 years old, which is the same as me at that time. But why am I here? I’m not scouted yet?
This is so unfair. OK, maybe I need to work more on my body measurement, and I desperately need to sign with a modeling agency. So I went, working out four hours a day, calculating every single calorie that I take in, watching countless tutorials on how to walk and pose like a model, and trying to be competent in English, just to make sure that I can communicate with the agency. So after three months, I got the desired body measurement.
I am so proud of myself. And this is the last step, signing with an agency. So I spent hours writing a proper email and sent all of my photos to as many agencies as possible. Oh my god, I’m so close to where I dream to be.
Oh my god, this is so close. I’m getting there. And that thought went with me to my sleep. It was echoing in my sleep.
The Realization
It felt just so real. And the next morning, when I wake up, I open my mail. Oh my god, all of the mails that I received, I couldn’t believe in my eyes anymore, were bills from my online shop. And the next morning, no new email.
And the day after that, mails from school. I kept waiting, waiting, and waiting. But such emails have never arrived in my inbox. I was so sad, so upset.
After all of the effort that I put into this, I got nothing back? This is so unfair, so evil to me. Cannot accept that. But then I received praises from people around me.
They told me that, “Oh, you look so fit lately. You should try to take part in a beauty pageant. Oh, your English sounds so much better right now.” And not until that time did I realize that it was fair.
The Silver Lining
I got something in return. I have better health. I got the body measurement that I wanted in the first place. My English has improved.
I got something in return. And finally, it took me to where I am right now, Miss World Vietnam 2019. It’s not the exact destination that I wanted at the first place, but it was close, so acceptable. So, however, I did a poll on my social media lately.
I was asking if people thought envy was bad or good. So the result is not so surprising. More than 80% of the reply told me that they thought envy was evil. So what is the difference between the jealousy in my case?
I was so envious of the young girls winning a spot at Victoria’s Secret lineup and the envy in their thoughts. So I came up with two names for them. The first one is evil envy, and the second one is joyful jealousy. Evil envy is when you view those who are superior to you as your enemies.
Evil Envy vs. Joyful Jealousy
All you want to do to them is bring them down, play tricks on them to make them struggle, or even break their neck just to undo their achievements. Imagine having a friend who has better results at school, better performance at school than you, and all you want to do is try to break his hand or do anything just to leave him with no chance of receiving good scores. His failure is your happiness. And you believe that your happiness will increase only if his happiness decreases.
On the other hand, joyful jealousy is instead of hatred, you think of others’ accomplishments as motivation, something that pushes you forward and makes you strive for. With this kind of mentality, your relationship with envy is a healthy one. Your focus is on yourself, on improving yourself, and pulling yourself toward a newer high. So this reminds me of a saying of Nietzsche, “Envy drives us to be better people, because through envy we admit what we are missing.”
So let’s revisit my example. I was so envious of the Victoria’s Secret models, of the young girls who win a spot at Victoria’s Secret lineup, but instead of letting the negative thoughts and comparisons consume me, I tried to find out what I was missing and work on it to become a better version of myself. So now that you know that envy and jealousy are actually good things and they season our life, now you must be wondering how to cook the best dishes with this spice. I know that you get envious looking at the photos of the super rich and famous people on social media, or anyone who is better than you at your crafts.
The Unseen Sacrifices
But remember, all that you can see is just the tip of the iceberg. All that you can see is their gains, but what you cannot observe is their pains, the sacrifices, and all the work that they put behind it. For example, it’s very easy for you all to see glamorous photos of mine on my social media platforms, but what I’m hiding, what you can never see, is my opportunity costs. They are the sleepless nights, the broken relationships, the deteriorating health, the constant traveling, the flying back and forth, even every single day.
It was quite exhausting, but I accept it. Now that you have looked at the underlying parts of others, let’s take a glance at yourself. As human beings, we always have the tendency to look at others’ accomplishments and to compare them with ours and tell ourselves, “I’m not enough.” But you should also be introspective and see, actually, you have already walked a long way.
And comparing yourself to more skillful, more talented people in your field and striving to be on par with them, it’s just human nature. To deprive yourself of envy is actually losing an important part of our self-competition. Without it, we can never grow. We can never know that we can be better than who we are right now and that we can never grow.
Embrace Joyful Jealousy
They always say, “Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t be jealous.” Well, please just do. Put yourself and others on a scale and let your anger fuel your drive.
But at the same time, be aware of the opportunity cost that they have to pay for whatever they are having and how far you’ve gone too. Now, I dare you all to be jealous, joyfully jealous. Thank you.