Here is the full transcript of Kaspars Breidaks’ talk titled “An Introvert’s Guide To Social Freedom” at TEDxRiga conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Why is he not talking? Maybe he forgot his text. How would I feel standing in front of all these people? Uh-oh, I sense trouble. Uh-oh. Oh, this is weird. This is weird. You can do this. Maybe he’s shy. He’s definitely shy. Canshine has become my biggest opportunity. The first 19 years of my life, I spent in a town with approximately 6,000 inhabitants.
It felt big enough when, as a teenager, I was hiding behind the school, trying to enjoy my first beer. But still, it was small enough to pretty much know everyone around. Not by their names, of course, but by the direction of their homes or their connections to others. So it was a very safe and friendly environment where to grow up.
The Journey of Shyness
You are, as I was, shy. How shy? Back then, talking to strangers, people I did not know, or being in the center of attention, to me, was like tooth and back pain combined with a bullet in my shoulder. Ouch. I hated it. But the older I got, the more curious I was about others. About their lives. What is he thinking about? What is she feeling? And yet I was not ready to face the pain. But I wanted to know.
So I needed something that would get me closer to them. That would help me be in the happenings, feeding my curiosity. But also would let me stay safe, complementing my modest personality. I remember being in a birthday party. And I noticed that the only invincible person there is the photographer.
So I became one. Soon enough, I was in the action, in the happenings. I was getting to know everyone. But as soon as I felt endangered, I raised my camera. Boom. No one can see me. I’m safe. Still here. And I can see you. But I’m safe.
Though it took me some time to realize that the saying, “You get what you give,” is true also in photography. I noticed that if you talk with the people, if I talk with the people I’m about to photograph, the pictures are more alive. A joke here and there, and they would forget about the camera, giving me the most honest selves. But that was way out of my comfort zone.
Discovering Improv
So I needed something. Something that would help me be okay with anyone, anywhere. And when I was 17, with the help of people around me, I discovered improvised theater. I would take a 45-minute bus from my hometown to the capital to be on stage for 10 minutes, performing with people I did not know. In front of people none of us knew. At the same time, fighting with my tooth and back pain and a bullet in my shoulder that only I knew about. My shyness.
Two years later, it was time for me to move to the capital city. And I remember standing in front of the Soviet-style building, the monolithic building in the suburbs of Riga with a single backpack, ready to move in my first apartment. I pressed the elevator button. In these houses, the elevators were really small. It’s just one square meter. By the time the doors opened, three more people have joined me. We got in.
Because of the size of the elevator, we basically touched each other with our jackets. So I thought, this reminds me of my hometown. I looked them in the eyes and I greeted them by saying, “Good evening.” That’s when the longest elevator ride of my life began. Two of them turned their backs to me, literally facing the wall. The third one pulled out his mobile phone, disappearing in another world another time. I felt so bad. What just happened?
The Struggle with Social Interaction
Of course, inner judgment arrived on my shoulder, saying things like, “Kaspar, you said it too loud.” Nah, probably the timing was bad. It’s all about the timing. You know what? You smell bad. Of course, these are ridiculous thoughts. But when I thought about it, it’s not like they reacted as they did out of joy. And soon enough, the city helped me see that it’s not just me or my neighbors.
It’s pretty much all of us. Public transportation. We would sit next to someone we don’t know, only if there’s no other option. A busy cafe at lunchtime. I would see people stand for five minutes, watching their food get cold, just so they would not have to approach a stranger and ask them, “Sorry, can I eat with you, because the rest of the tables are taken?” And, of course, the latest surveys indicate that we’ve never felt as lonely as we do now. Most of us, we don’t know how to be with people we don’t know. We don’t know how to converse with strangers.
But they are part of our lives. Every day we pass by hundreds of strangers. That’s hundreds of opportunities to brighten up our day. To be kind. To be noticed. To be grateful for the time and space we share. I’m no exception. There were so many moments daily when I, because of interactions with strangers, would feel imprisoned in my own fear. What will they think about me? Will they accept me? I didn’t want to live like that. It was time to break free.
Embracing Improv for Personal Growth
And improv theater proved to be the key, the key to change. To change from “go away” to “come closer.” I used to see strangers as a possible threat. Now I see strangers as an opportunity to break my shyness. Although most of the world sees improvised theater as comedy and entertainment, it can be so much more, and it is so much more. After a few years of practicing here in Latvia, I decided to go to a place where it all started.
Chicago, United States. After that, I’ve had the luck and honor to perform and study in most of Europe.
Hundreds of workshop hours. Thousands of improvisers met. I’ve read more books about improv than probably I’ve sent text messages. But with every workshop I took, with every new thing I learned, I realized how it has transformed my personality to a more open-minded one. And also, that improv is a tool. A tool anyone can use to be better at anything you do. And also, we can use improv to be better with people we don’t know. When I returned to Latvia, I created a three-month program where improv techniques are used not to prepare the future entertainers, but to prepare people for being people again.
Being okay with others and themselves. The moment I saw that more than 100 people are ready to wait a year to get in a class and simply look in the stranger’s eyes, it transformed me. Without judgment or fear, discovering and sharing feelings, being playful, joyful, and simply being here and now, creating beautiful connections among strangers out of thin air, and also, breaking their shyness. When I saw that in the classes, I thought, “This is it, this is what we are made for, this is what we miss.”
Engaging with Strangers: Five Tips
And so, also, I’d like to give five tips, tricks, things to think about, or simply ideas that might be handy the next time you decide to engage in a conversation with a stranger. Let’s train our small talk muscle. Because, and this is very important, without small talk, there is no big talk.
Number one, say yes to what you feel and think. Saying yes or accepting is the ground zero rule in improv. We need it on stage, creating stories, because in improvised theater, we don’t have a script, so we don’t know what’s about to happen. Anything is possible, but for anything to actually happen, we need to accept each other’s ideas. Say yes in life to yourself first. We are kind and good people. Most of the times, we have our inner self giving us heads up.
Imagine you’re in a cafe. A few tables away, you notice someone with a beautiful smile, a smile that makes your day brighter. You have this thought. Now, it can stay with you and die, or you can pass this thought to that person. When you say yes to what you feel and think, as absurd as it may sound, don’t do it for the others. Do it for yourself. When you follow your first thought, don’t expect a thank you. Don’t expect a smile or a compliment back. You can’t control how people will react. What you can control is yourself, and you can do the good that’s up to you.
The Unexpected Compliment
This is a lesson I had to learn hard, that people sometimes do kind things without expecting anything back. I was in Chicago. It was the second day there, at Starbucks, enjoying a cappuccino. And a young lady approached me and said, “I like your sweater.” And she started to walk away. I put down my cappuccino. In my head, it was like, “Where do you think you’re going?” I chased her outside of Starbucks, because I thought there’s definitely something she wants, maybe she can’t say it. “Would you like to go on a date? Should I buy you a cookie? What? No. Let’s get married.” Jesus! All these thoughts were happening in my head. Because what? Did she just say she likes my sweater, just like that? She did.
Number two, we are not machines. It’s okay to be vulnerable. We keep our eyes down when we’re walking on the street. We don’t talk to strangers, and we ask Google Maps for directions, because it’s safe. Then, no one can change the way I feel. It’s only natural we’re trying to protect ourselves from rejection. But it’s impossible to protect yourself only from the bad.
We end up building walls around our hearts and minds, and we protect ourselves also from the good. To be able to talk to strangers, we have to let ourselves be vulnerable, ready to change and adapt. It’s not our weakness. It’s our strength.
The Art of Conversation
Number three, stop trying to be interesting, and be interested. For young improvisers, at first, it’s hard to deliver because there’s all these boundaries. Ooh, whatever I will say, it has to be interesting. It has to be funny. What happens? We end up in silence. Because you can’t make up your mind. You can’t choose an idea. Instead, say something, and then make it worth it.
A truly curious mind will always be charming. Always. When engaging with strangers, don’t try to fake your interest. If you’re not focusing 100% on your conversation partner, you’re stealing from yourself. If you have decided to spend your time on this, make it worth it. There has to be something you both care about, and finding it will be the stepping stones of your future connections.
Appreciating the Moment
Number four, if you want to be appreciated, appreciate others. Possibly one of the most valuable lessons improvised theater has taught me is to cherish time and everything we create. Because after an improvised story is told, it’s gone. No one ever will be able to repeat it. This teaches us, improvisers, to appreciate the fragile nature of our work and connections onstage and offstage. At this point, we all, deep down as human beings, want to succeed at life and be appreciated.
To make others thank me, it’s out of my reach. I can’t control it. What can I control? Myself. So, I can be grateful and help others feel appreciated. If you think about your everyday life, how many people there are around you that you could thank every day, but still you don’t? It can be anyone. A bus driver. A janitor. A chef at a restaurant. Give others what you desire. Do not spend a single hour without thanking someone. At this moment, I would like to warn you. You will fail. Sometimes.
Embracing Failure and Opportunity
You can read all the books about conversing with strangers. You can follow every advice. But sometimes you will fail. It’s part of the process. Imagine you’re at a party and you see someone that makes you curious. And you think to yourself, “This is the day. This is my moment.” Well, you don’t do this with your body because then everyone will notice.
And suddenly the person that you’re interested in is walking towards you. You have eye contact. So you think, “Yes, nothing can go wrong.” Although with every step this person makes, the time seems to slow down. The tension rises. You still decide to fight your shyness. You put a smile on your face. Stretch out your arm. You say, “Good day to you, sir. I would love to talk with you.” At this moment, it’s important to remember tip number five. It’s not about you.
It’s Not About You
Don’t take it too personally. If it does not go well, if you’re rejected, if you’re ignored, most of the times it has nothing to do with you. We have no idea what the other person is going through in his life at that moment. What he or she is thinking about. And it’s okay. If it does go well, however, also don’t take it too personally. It’s still not about you. Don’t get me wrong.
I’m not expecting that after this we all walk around with open arms and offer free hugs. I’m well aware that changing the behavior of society takes time. A janitor lady in the suburbs of Riga, the same apartment building, she heard a “hello, how are you” from me for a month and a half, every morning at 6:30 until she started to talk to me. The first times all I got was, “Hmm?”
Later on, it was. And then she started to talk with me. It took her another month until she started the conversations with me. And the first morning I freaked out. I just think it’s time for us to stop hiding behind excuses. Because there’s plenty of excuses why we can stay the same. Sure, we can blame society, we can blame history, we can blame parents, weather.
When I was a kid, my parents told me several times for sure, “Be aware of strangers. Don’t talk to strangers.” And it’s a perfectly fine message. They are trying to protect me. If you’re a young parent now, keep saying that to your kids. I just wish that at a certain age, when I could take care of myself, my parents would come back. And they would say, “Son, remember what we said about strangers? Forget about it. It’s okay now. Now you can.”
Embracing Strangers
Now you should. As a country, we’ve been living in fear for our freedom for far too long. We’ve been occupied more times than most of us have fallen in love. And it is sad and it is heartbreaking, but in the pages of our history, there are more reasons why not to trust someone you don’t know than there are stars up in the sky.
During the Soviet times, everyone was suspicious. A stranger could easily be a spy or a traitor. And of course, our weather is not helping a lot as well. The average temperature throughout the year in Latvia is plus 5.9 degrees Celsius. So most of the times, we spend indoors. Or, like this. Does this say, “Hey, I’m friendly? You want to talk?” God knows what’s underneath seven sweaters, six jackets, and everything else.
By now, I haven’t named even one-fifth of the reasons that affect our feelings towards strangers, people we don’t know. And even if you have all the data in the world, you can’t complete this list. Because we all have our own reasons too.
Looking Forward
Our previous experiences. Past is important. Without it, there is no future. But if we let the past shape our future, we won’t get to it. We will be stuck in a never-ending loop of hope for better days. There’s a lot of good examples of being with strangers too. When your team scores, or they win, I’ve seen men with a moustache that’s older than me, grabbing the closest person and giving a kiss on the forehead. A high five.
A celebration together. They don’t care who that person particularly is at that moment. They know we’re together in this. Later on, of course, yeah, I met guys by the way. Nice to meet you. The song and dance festival. Thousands and thousands of people united together. Do they know each other’s names?
No. But they still feel great and safe. And of course, the Baltic unity. Holding hands with strangers for our freedom. So let’s focus on these significant moments and let them inspire us for a greater togetherness. I don’t want to change the world. The world doesn’t need this. I need it.
A Friendlier World
I want a better and friendlier environment around me. I want kind and happy people in my elevator, my bus, my cafes, and my city. So we would feel free and look at each other and say, “I don’t know you yet,” instead of, “I don’t know you.”
I’ll keep on using every stranger as an opportunity to fight my shyness again and again. I’ll keep on fighting with a tooth and back pain and a bullet in my shoulder because of my kids. So for them, this world would be a better, nicer, and safer place where to grow up. With a little less shyness and more happiness. Thank you so much.