Read the full transcript of professional mediator Carol Barkes’ talk titled “Conflict and Negotiation: From Flames to Solutions” at TEDxHuntingtonBeach 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Firefighter’s Journey
CAROL BARKES: I’d like you to think of a time you’ve seen a fire engine race by. With the sirens blaring and the lights flashing. I used to drive those fire engines. And today I’d like to invite you on a ride along.
Our ride along takes place on my first Thanksgiving shift as a brand new firefighter. Our crews dispatched to an auto accident where a car has crashed into a tree, and the driver is stuck inside and not breathing. That day I am the crew member assigned to the driver.
When we get to the accident, I carefully squeeze into the crumpled back seat of the vehicle and I ever so gently open his airway. He starts breathing again, but he doesn’t regain consciousness, so I can’t let go or his airway will close again. I settle in while my crew uses not just one, but two sets of Jaws of Life to extract him from the vehicle while I’m holding his life in my hands.
I start thinking of those stories you might have heard about, about people who come out of comas and they report having heard the voices of the people who’ve been around them while they were unconscious. And yeah, I decide, why not give it a try?
I start saying, “I’m Carol, I’m a firefighter, I’m here, and I’m going to take care of you until we get you out of here.” I explain every sound that he hears, so he knows that everything is going on and is going to be okay.
When we finally get him out of the vehicle and send him off to the hospital, he’s alive and breathing and I am on this huge adrenaline high, full of gratitude for this amazing Thanksgiving save until my captain says: “Carol, you really shouldn’t be so excited. He’s not going to make it. Nobody survives an accident like that.”
I disagree. After all, the driver and I had just had this amazing conversation. To help me with the reality check, my captain says, “Carol, tomorrow when we get off shift, we’re going to go to the hospital so that you can learn some of the harsh realities of the work that we do.”
The next day at the hospital we find the driver alive and awake. I’m so excited. I rush up to the side of his bed and I say, “I’m Carol. I’m the firefighter that was with you yesterday. I’m so excited to be able to talk to you.” And when I finally come up for air, he looks at me with a very weak voice and says: “No hablo inglés.”
I had been hoping for a conversation about how my words had impacted this man, only to find out that they didn’t have any.
Lessons from the Field
Years later as a mediator who’s mediated thousands of cases and disputes, I fondly look back at that call with a very different lens, and I realize it has some really important lessons that can help you with your conflict and negotiation, so they can go more smoother.
The first came from the conversation with my captain about perceptions. You see, he had some clear ideas about how this call would play out based on his many years of experience. I didn’t have any of that experience, so I was open to exploring options where he only saw an unfortunate ending.
As Doctor David Eagleman says, “We don’t see what’s out there. We see what our brain tells us is there.” So with that in mind, we oftentimes see or can even be blind to information because of how our brains filter what it sees.
With this in mind, the takeaway is that how we perceive something played out can be very different from person to person, and it is so much more important to spend time understanding what each person felt about a situation that was going on, rather than arguing about who was right and how it exactly played out. Because when we spend that time going back and forth about the past, that will never completely see the same way. We waste valuable time where we could be learning and focusing on the solution and getting beyond the dispute that we have at hand.
The second lesson is about how valuable it can be to try different things and approaches, even if there may be seemingly strange. You see, our driver later told his nurses he had heard me. He said my voice gradually pulled him back to consciousness, and because my tone was peaceful and compassionate, it helped him hold on when he wasn’t sure that he could.
Had I not tried something a little unconventional, he might not have been there today. He might not have made it. And so I ask you to think about those difficult situations that you have in your life. Are you approaching them with enough creativity?
The Power of Kindness and Curiosity
And this brings me to our third lesson. There will always be conflict in the world. There will always be that proverbial struggle between good and evil. And if we’re being really honest, we’ll have both of those roles played at some point in our lives.
And while we cannot control the how and the when conflicts will arise, we absolutely can control how we show up and how we show up is one of the most powerful tools that you have to get through these challenging processes. And what I want you to consider doing is showing up, being kind and what I call conflict curious.
What I mean by conflict curious is I want you to lean in to understanding rather than judging the other person. I want you to think about learning what they’re saying and where they’re coming from, rather than responding negatively and defensively.
Now, I’m not suggesting that you don’t have any boundaries.