My Brain Works Differently: Autism And Addiction – Dylan Dailor (Transcript) 

That was the last moment I wasn’t anxious.

The Early Years

So, it was also the first moment that I was on the spectrum, something I’d like to point out. I wasn’t on the spectrum when I was diagnosed when I was eight; I was on the spectrum when I was born on October 27, 1999.

So, I was a relatively happy child, as happy as I could be. And I started school when I was — I started school a little bit younger because I’m born in October, so a little bit younger. But I was kind of a little bit ahead of my classmates, which everyone noticed. And my parents took notice too, but the school didn’t want to take notice too. And I finished that school — I finished my first school in kindergarten and had to switch schools because my classmates didn’t like me.

It kind of became this pattern where I went, the maximum time I ever spent at a school was five years. And that was first through fifth grade. And I switched again in the sixth grade. I switched to seventh. I switched after ninth. I switched after eleventh. And I’m in college. I’m trying not to switch again. But I remember, I finished up fifth grade. And I was having a really hard time; I was really discovering the depth of how anxious I could get.

And we went on a trip to Disney, and I ended up, I am gluten-free, and I ended up eating gluten, and I had a reaction, and my parents said like, well, you know, I used to have this rule that was like, I can’t use my computer, you know, whatever I bring on my trip, I can’t use my screen more than a half-hour a day. And there was something apparently I set up for myself. It wasn’t my parents. I loved the rules. And so, I was using it, and I was feeling better. And that was great.

Transition and Growth

And then I got home, and I was starting in a new school, and I was really nervous because there were all these kids I didn’t know, and they had all known each other since kindergarten. And so, I kept using my computer when I got home, and it made me feel better. And I didn’t really think of it that much in a way. Like, it seemed very normal. Like, everyone was just using a computer or, you know, using their DS.

So, I was like, okay, you know, I’m doing good, and I got anxiety medication in me, and then I finished up in the sixth grade. I switched schools again, and I went to an all-boys male school, which with my personality did not mesh well. So, I’m at this all-boys school. I get to ninth grade, and I actually got to the second day of tenth grade. I say ninth grade because it’s the last time I got to the second day of tenth grade. And the counselor that was assigned to me through the state or through the county said, “You’re not going back to classes. You’re not going back to the school. You’re leaving now when you’re not going back.”

And I went to my therapist, and she said, “Dylan, I’m not, you know, you cannot go back into that school. Your mental health has just deteriorated.” I was like, “Okay, you know, I’m very happy, you know, it’s time to start something new.” So, I went to online school, which was really cool for a while. But then, I found that I was on my computer every single day, and it was… I woke up at seven in the morning to start class, work at eight, and I was putting away my work at nine, and every single day I was in front of my screen doing work all the time. And I still thought it was fine. Like, that’s normal. Like, people want to do schoolwork.

And I didn’t realize that that wasn’t normal because people don’t want to do schoolwork, but I wanted to do school work. So then, I get to the 11th grade, and I was tired. I mean, two years I was online schooled, and I was really tired of sitting alone in my bedroom every single day. So, I was switching to a new school. It was actually, I had done my TEDx talk. They invited me to go. I was really excited.

And then I, as a child has to do at some point, got my wisdom teeth out. So, I was very anxious. I went into the doctor’s office. They explained everything to me seven times. I, you know, they brought me in. They numbed my arms. They put the needle in me. I remember my vision splitting in two. And then I woke up, and I was happy. And I slept up for three hours. And then I did, you know, 12 English assignments and got 100 on all of them in a day, and then at the end of a day and a half, I was still pretty happy, and I fell asleep, and then the next day I woke up. I did not feel well. I was very nauseous. I was sweaty, clammy, shaking, and I was like, “Why?” I was like, “It’s all gone away. I was so happy. What happened? What happened?”

And so, you know, we took a look at the sheet stuff. and when they put you under with IV anesthetic, they give you the cocktail, the cocktail of the different drugs. One of the drugs that they happen to give me was fentanyl, and I reacted very well to it, reacted very well to it. And I didn’t react so well to it. And then there was a month of me going, “Well, the doctor put a prescription for Vicodin at the pharmacy.” and that’ll make me feel happy, and I just want to feel happy.” I was switching schools again, and I was actually sitting the other day, and I was like, “I was switching schools, and I was never kind of dealing with my problem.”

Every single time that I was switching these schools, every single time that I would get anxious, I would find something new to just distract myself. It was all about functioning. It was moving forward. It was how do I move forward and complete my next task? Because that’s all that matters. That’s all that mattered to me.

And so, when I got to the 12th grade, I was, you know, I was recovered. It had been, you know, I had a month before I had to go back into school. And I had a tough time. I don’t always get along with my classmates. So, you know, I, every once in a while, it was like I– maybe something would be nice to just kind of comment. And I was like, yeah, I can take my anti-anxiety medication. That works. OK, it works pretty well. And I can use my tools.

And I got off to college. And college is a different situation. College is a place where all of these kids come. And for the first time, they’re free. And they can go and do what they want. And I kind of realized that I could– very early on because I like the rules and so I wasn’t going and doing whatever I wanted, but I started to meet people, and I realized that they were going out and doing all these things that they wanted to do. And I was like okay, and I was like classes are stressing me out, you know, it’d be really nice if I could do that too.

And it just so happened that on my birthday, I was completely sober, and I would just want to make that clear because I was with two of my friends for my birthday watching a movie. I have a cough. So, I use my inhaler. I spit out the water because that’s what you do afterward. And I lifted my head into a door and sliced my head open a little bit, so a hospital emergency room visit later. And you know, they’re like, how bad’s the pain, and the first thought in my head was well the pain is fine. It’s bad. I mean, I can handle it, but yeah, you know, I’m really stressed.

Like, I tell them a little bit higher, maybe they give me something. And I was like, I said to the doctor, they said, “What are you allergic to?” And I said, “I’m allergic to codeine, I’m allergic to gluten, I have my seasonal allergies, you can’t give me narcotics.” It was like the last substantive thought that I had in my head before I just kind of went through the rest of the process. I was like, “Oh, gosh.” I realized I’m kind of, I’m an addict, like I need something, I constantly need something to calm myself down, and so I, like I, you know, I called my parents, I was like mom, dad, I think, you know, you know, I know that we kind of discussed this, I think that there’s something bigger, like there might be something worse.

So it was the first time I kind of admitted it to myself, and it was really scary, like that is a scary idea, that is a scary thing to say. But it was also really freeing because I was able to say, you know, to a couple of people, nine people, 12 people was what it was at, now it’s probably at like 150, and once the video comes out, everyone can just look it up. So lots of people now know that about me, so it’s really exciting and it’s really scary.

And in some way, like, I wanted to go and tell people about it, and I know now I am, but I kind of… I knew a while ago, and I can’t, you know, I was ashamed, like that’s what came up for me, like anytime that I would have the thought in my head, I was like, I can’t tell people, this is bad, this is not me, like this is not who I am, this is a different Dylan, this Dylan is bad, and so I have, you know, I kind of was like, well, where do I go? And I can’t go–like, I can’t go to a group.

I can’t sit in front of people. I’m on the spectrum. One, I’m anxious. And two, I don’t really know how to communicate really well in this group of people who are very different than me. I don’t really know their names. I don’t know them. The first rule I gave everyone when they told me I had anxiety was, “I will never do a group, and I still follow it today.” So, you know, all I can do is go to a therapist, which is good, but it doesn’t solve everything because– you know, you have to find, you know, it’s about specialization, it’s about what they know, and it’s about all of that. And so, you know, it’s fresh, and I can’t necessarily go and tell people about it because of that, and I’m up here, and I’m telling you about it.

College Life

So, for me, you know, being at college, it’s just a lot of people go out on the weekends and drink, like, that’s the thing, like, and people say to me, like, you know, it’s like, you know, this is how I relax, Dylan. This is how I feel better about my day. And I look at them, and I go, I really wish I could feel my day too, and I don’t tell them. And so, I, you know, it’s this fear that’s in the back of my head at all times. It’s like, when does it happen when? Do when does someone offer me something, and I don’t have that? I’ve had it twice in my life where I said no, and I had twice in my life where I keep doing it because I can tell you I’m still constantly working, and I’m still constantly on my computer.

So, you know, when is the time that I don’t say no, and then how do I stop it again? So, it’s really scary. You know, I just, I don’t, I don’t know. It’s totally unknown to me. And that’s the problem. Life is really long, and I make pain. I’m guessing most of you in this room are going, “Wow, he’s young.” He is a whippersnapper, which is actually something I would say. So, it seems like my life hasn’t been super long.

But I mean, I was born, and when you’re diagnosed at seven on the spectrum, you’re in the middle late range of diagnosis, so they’re like, “We want to get you to where you need to be right now.” They’re like, “You…” have to learn the social skills right now, and then people will understand you, they will like you, you will be able to do this, your life will be great, and it’s not because I, the day before, you know, a week before I went to college.

Facing Reality

I said to my therapist, I was like, I don’t, I don’t, I’ve gone to six schools. How do I know seven’s going to work? And she’s like, don’t, I don’t really think that this, like the training is doing that much for you, like you can’t, you can’t learn, you can’t learn more when everyone else around you can’t give you the rest of, you know, when you’re offering 75%, they’re only offering 25%, of course, it’s going to be really stressful.

The problem is if they don’t know how to offer 50% and you do, then you’re always going to have this disconnect. And so, you know, I really do have this disconnect with people. I don’t quite understand it. And I got all this training, and I walked through one fire. I really did. I learned. I got beaten up. I got multiple concussions. That’s what happens when you play football without helmets at all boys school. You know, I did. I walked through one fire, and I walked through a second one when I realized that I was coping through these very unhealthy means.

And then I realized that I have to walk through another one in the way that I learned all of these skills, and I have to unlearn them. I have to unlearn all of these skills because they’re not these. The things that in between the schools, that’s what they were teaching me. They were saying, “Dylan, if you did this, they’ll like you more.” It doesn’t matter because they won’t like me more because I learned some skill. Instead, it just makes me really dislike myself more. When I go back to school, there will be a lot of kids who say to me, “Dylan, it’s so amazing. You did another TED Talk.” I have people say, “Dylan, it’s amazing. You wrote a book. Dylan, it’s amazing. You wrote a book. Dylan, you know, you do all this stuff. It’s amazing. You must be so happy.” I’m not. I’m really not.

I’m not a happy person because it’s not — it’s not helping. It’s not — you know, there’s nothing — there’s nothing about that that really works. There’s no amount of achievement that makes people like you. And there’s no amount of achievement for me in the way that I’m not achieving because I want, like I want to help people, but I’m not, that’s not my main reason, and it’s not always clear to me.

You know, I get up here, and I talk to you guys, and like, yes, I want to help people on the spectrum who are suffering through similar things. But in all reality, and I realized this probably about a week ago, I’m doing this because I want people to stop being mean to me, but it’s not the people right now who are being mean to me. I want the people from five years ago to be nice to me five years ago, but that’s not how it works. I can’t do that. I can’t make them like me five years ago because I’m in now, and I’m not back then, but it’s really hard because I can’t, like, Dylan up here talking to you guys is a lot different than Dylan in a situation talking to people where someone says something. And I just look in the back of the room, and I start remembering something, and then I need to go and achieve something so that everyone will look up to me, but it’s not working because that’s not what I want.

I just want everyone to stop. I want everyone from 5, 10, any number of years ago to just stop hitting me, and it doesn’t work. And so being on my computer all the time doesn’t work. Being on, doing work all the time doesn’t work. Using Sentinel worked in a way, but it’s not healthy. Like, that’s not the way to go with life. That’s not what I want. That’s not who I wanted to be. It’s not what I imagined for myself.

I had talked, I had said something about normal in my last talk. Like, we have this idea of normal, and we do, and I don’t, I think that the problem is that normal isn’t good. Normal is very bad. Normal is a very bad concept. Because you’ll never be normal. No one in this room will be normal. I don’t care if you’re on the spectrum. I don’t care if you’re neurotypical, which is what we call you if you didn’t know that. So, you know, I can’t be normal. You can’t be normal. Everyone trying to get to normal isn’t making things better.

So, I mean, I like to leave people with one thought, and my one thought for you is normal is bad. Just be weird. Just be weird. Your brain, all of our brains work differently. Just be weird.

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