Read the full transcript of Jaya Row’s talk titled “The Secret to Being Happy” at TEDxGatewaySalon 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Nature of Happiness
Are you happy? Yes, you’re all looking happy, and we all are happy… sometimes. What if you ate chocolate with the foil? You would enjoy the chocolate but periodically have to spit out the foil, right? Similarly, our happiness is unnecessarily intercepted by bouts of sorrow. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just be happy without the intervening pain?
So, where is happiness? You believe it’s out there in the world, right? But consider this: You take a non-stop flight from Mumbai to New York, and as you exit the terminal building there, a fellow passenger lights up a cigarette. He is happy. But a non-smoker walks away. The same object gives immense pleasure to one person, intense displeasure to another. So is happiness in the object?
Then where is it? Think. As long as the desire for the cigarette was unfulfilled, the mind was agitated, unhappy. The moment the desire got fulfilled, the agitation ceased, and you’re happy. So happiness is in the mind, not in the object.
Are we chasing a mirage all our lives when the oasis is elsewhere? By the end of this session, you will have the power to be happy with or without objects.
The Four Avenues of Happiness
Where do we seek happiness? We look for happiness through four avenues:
Sense enjoyment
Action
Relationships
Intellectual pursuits
Let’s begin with sense enjoyment. You eat the first mango of the season; it’s delicious, right? But you keep eating mangoes. The enjoyment diminishes. The more you indulge, the less you enjoy. What’s the way out?
Then, action. Work. What are you working for? Profit? Paycheck? Watch the thousands of people go to work on a Monday morning.
Does anyone look excited? They all pull long faces. Nadal also works. He is ecstatic every time he goes out to play. Haven’t you noticed it? What’s the difference?
Next, relationships. Have you seen couples in the hot midday sun on Marine Drive? They don’t feel the heat or discomfort because they are in love. Emotional thrills are so fulfilling that physical inconveniences don’t bother you. But then, the days of wine and roses soon become days of wine and neurosis. You think the partner is at fault, but is he really to blame?
And now intellectual delights. A young girl wanting a Ph.D. from Harvard gives up the luxuries of a home and walks away from her family. Physical and emotional pain become insignificant when compared to the joy of a doctorate. But is that enough? You always want more.
The Formula for Happiness
So where does satisfaction lie? Is there a prescription for happiness? Yes. Take a look:
Happiness = Number of desires fulfilled / Number of desires harbored
Using this simple formula, how can you enhance your happiness? Either increase the numerator or decrease the denominator. What are we all doing? Fulfilling desires. You fulfill many desires. Has your happiness increased? Not necessarily. Have you wondered why?
Let’s say you need a pair of walking shoes. As you enter the mall, someone offers you a perfume to sample. A little ahead, you see a beautiful watch. And then the latest smartphone. Finally, you buy the shoes. What have you done? You fulfilled one desire. The numerator has gone up by one. But without you realizing it, the denominator has gone up by three: perfume, watch, smartphone. This is one experience. You can imagine what happens in an entire lifetime.
You want happiness, but only succeed in increasing desires. So what do you do? Focus on the denominator. As you bring down the desires, your happiness increases exponentially. And when the desire has come down to zero, you get infinite happiness. Spot on!
The Nature of Desire
Thereafter, anything added or taken away makes no difference because you know it. Infinite plus or minus anything is still infinite. But the world is agog with objects, and you are enticed to want more by more. Do you succumb and sink in the quicksand of desire? Or do you stand up and opt for happiness?
How do you reduce desires? You can’t wish them away. The only way is to pick a higher desire. As a child, you were obsessed with toys, right? Do you hanker for them now? Of course not. Did you, at any stage, take a decision to give up desires for toys? No. And how did they go? You just grew to more exciting stuff.
What is the cause of desire? Where does it come from? When do you feel hungry? When your stomach is empty. If you’ve just eaten all the goodies outside, you won’t even think of food. So desire comes from emptiness. Thoughts arise in your mind that go out to want objects to fill that emptiness. You fulfilled many desires, but that emptiness doesn’t go. Have you wondered why?
The Illusion of Emptiness
Because it’s not real. And this is the most important part which you need to think about. Even as you feel this knowing sense of void, you are actually full. Totally full. You just don’t know it. When you don’t know you’re full, you become a fool.
So, you don’t need objects of the world to fill you. You only need knowledge of your fullness. A child gets separated from his family and grows up as a beggar in the same area where his parents live. The father, a millionaire, continuously searches for the son. And many years later realizes that the beggar is his long-lost son. The son now knows that all the years that he thought he was a beggar, he was, in fact, a millionaire.
We are not just millionaires, friends. We are “infinite-aires.” Ignorant of our real worth, we go out as beggars asking for petty, paltry things. Just wake up to the reality. Gain knowledge of your fullness, and your life will change.
Upgrading Your Desires
So where do you begin? Upgrade your desires. For how long will you remain in the kindergarten of life? Oblivious to the subtler joys you adhere to. Pick an emotional desire and your happiness multiplies. Feel one with the family, and when anyone does well, you rejoice. Identify with the nation and you celebrate the achievement of all Indians. Your happiness increases 1.3 billion times.
