Read the full transcript of relationship coach Deborah Brown’s talk titled “The Other Woman: Navigating Stress in Relationships” at TEDxMiramar [Feb 18, 2025].
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Misunderstanding
DEBORAH BROWN: “Why are you texting my husband?” I received that text one day. Just imagine, I’m at home busying myself like any ordinary day, when I hear my phone chime. I ignored it, when not even a minute later, like a rapid fire, I hear chime after chime after chime after yet another chime. Something must be going on. I check my phone, only to discover those six words. “Why are you texting my husband?” My shock turns to horror, as I read on to the final text. “You will never speak with him again. Guarantee that.”
“I have family in Florida, and I will have them hunt you down.” I was rocked by the coldness of that threat. My brain was darting from left to right, trying to make sense of it. Is this a wrong number? Is this a text for me? It took me a few minutes to compose myself. “Who is your husband?” “Tony.”
And all the pieces immediately fell into place. She must think I’m the other woman. My response was simple and to the point. “Marcel, your husband reached out to me for help with his marriage. I am a relationship coach.” There was no response for a while. A long while. And the next time, stated four words that said it all. “I’m so embarrassed.”
The Root of Relationship Stress
There was clearly stress in that relationship. And both parties went about handling it differently. One sought help, and the other gave in to suspicions and insecurities. Things had gone off track in their relationship. And what happens when we feel we don’t have control of a situation?
Fear.
Fear sends Marcia looking for answers to regain that sense of control. And you know what they say. If you go looking for something, you will find it. Marcia found something indeed. Me.
Never before had I been mistaken for the other woman. I can tell you for just those few minutes, it was unnerving. Today, I embrace it. What that incident made me realize is that as a relationship coach, I have been the other woman in some capacity. That third party in hundreds of marriages and relationships. Tony’s and Marcia’s story is just one of the many unfortunate relationship scenarios playing out there.
Where there is no peace, there is stress. Emotions like jealousy, anger, uncertainty, to name a few, lead to stress. Stress is robbing couples of the very reason they got into a relationship in the first place. Robbing them of the fun, excitement, safety and support that quality companionship offers. What I have seen is that relationships are many times ending unnecessarily. Because sadly, oftentimes the couple lacks the skills, the patience or the willingness to work through the challenges that life throws their way.
Just look at the statistics on this. Almost 50% of first marriages end in divorce. And the rate for second marriages is even higher, with almost 70% ending in divorce. So how do we go from “till death do us part” to those statistics?
Transforming Daily Experiences
One thing about life, it happens on repeat. Just think about it. You wake up, you have your coffee, you get the kids to school, head to work, pick the kids up, head home, go to bed and you do it all over again. So if you can get your daily experience as a couple running smoothly, you will find that the majority of your stresses will begin to fall away naturally over time.
As days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and months turn into years. So how do you transform the daily experience?
Most couples need only one ingredient to transform every facet of their relationship and significantly reduce stress. This ingredient is powerful enough to tear down a relationship or build it up. Yet its importance is often overlooked. The ingredient I speak of? Communication.
But with a topic such as communication that is so broad, so fluid, so individual, with every relationship looking different and having its own unique set of challenges, can we still find a simple way to narrow things down to a concept that can be applied across the board?
Is there one common thread that can be applied consistently to bring about meaningful results? Yes. I’m here to tell you yes. That common thread we’re looking for can be found when we look more deeply at how communication is implemented. Because implementation is where the magic happens.
There are three questions that you and your partner can begin asking whenever you’re encountering stress in your relationship. How do you know when there’s stress? Whether it’s been a romantic partner, a co-worker, friend or relative, you’ve probably been there. It will typically look like one or several of these.
Tension, walking on eggshells around each other, increased arguing and irritation, or avoiding interaction. The three questions are:
Is there something I have not communicated?
Was there something wrong with my delivery of a communication?
Where did my actions not match my communication?
What I can tell you, the source of upset and many times the solution to that upset can be found in one or more of these three questions. Once there’s stress, the couple, you and your partner, need to be brave enough, committed enough, vulnerable enough to ask yourselves and your partner the three questions.
Applying the Three Questions: Tony and Marcia’s Case
We can look at how this applied to Tony and Marcia. Question number one, is there something I have not communicated?
This was often the issue with Tony and Marcia. Either something was not communicated at all or not communicated completely. For Tony, it came from not recognizing the need to share, even simple things like, “honey, I’m running late.” For Marcia, it came from not feeling emotionally safe to share certain things with Tony and just not wanting to run the risk of starting an argument.
Question number two, was there something wrong with my delivery of a communication?
One night on their way to a party, Marcia thought she would take advantage of the long car ride and captive audience to address a few things. As often happens when we bury too long the things that need to be said, Marcia unleashed on Tony. To put it mildly, it was not received well. Marcia’s timing was not ideal and Tony, not so different from many of us, reacted to her tone instead of her words. Needless to say, this ruined the vibes for the whole night. The bottom line is, it is our responsibility to do whatever it takes to have our communication land as it is intended. Anything less, then why bother communicating at all?
And what about question number three? Where did my actions not match my communication? So many times, Tony would say he would do things and not follow through.
Not keeping his word in small areas led Marcia to eventually believe she couldn’t trust him in any area. Just think about it. Integrity is an important part of relationship. Whether it’s as small as loading the dishwasher or as big as honoring your marital vows. How can you expect your partner to trust you?
To know they can rely on you when what you say and what you do don’t match. As was the case for Tony and Marcia, these three questions can become your direct route to get to the bottom of many of the issues that create stress in a relationship.
Conclusion
I put it to you that if you begin to dissect your past relationship stress, you will likely find that the root cause traces back to one or more of these three questions. Did I communicate? How was my delivery? Did my actions match? Test it out for yourself. Of course, if you don’t do the work, it’s not going to work. But these three questions are simple yet powerful in helping couples begin to communicate in a way that just works.
As Marcia went from texts and threats to awareness and understanding, she and Tony gained a whole new appreciation for the power that communication holds. To deepen connection, bridge divides, and breathe the life into the very essence of your relationships. So as you move forward, embrace communication as a force that empowers you to thrive as individuals and create stronger, lasting bonds as couples.
