Here is the full transcript of Raquel Peel’s talk titled “Why Do We Sabotage Love?” at TEDxJCUCairns 2018 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Why do we sabotage love? The saying goes, “Love is grand,” so it seems strange that many of us set out to sabotage it. As it stands, there is a distinct lack of knowledge to explain why some people, having successfully initiated a relationship, embark upon what appears to be a path to destruction. They meet that great person, then they find faults, become untrusting, and assume the relationship will end, without much evidence.
People seem to pull the plug on a relationship too quickly as things become serious or difficult, no matter how perfect the potential partner might be. Is this you? Or maybe someone you know? Perhaps it’s the person sitting right next to you. Well, I suspect there are a lot of people out there who are or have been a romantic self-saboteur. And that is why I’ve decided to pursue a PhD on this very topic.
Understanding Self-Sabotage in Romantic Relationships
So yes, that is a bit of a journey. To understand self-sabotage in romantic relationships, I have conducted two studies. In the first study, I interviewed psychologists from all over Australia who specialize in romantic relationships. I really wanted to understand what self-sabotage looks like in practice.
After months of interviews, I came to one conclusion: people do tend to behave in similar ways or patterns as they move from one relationship to the next. In the second study, I wanted to understand how people in relationships behaved and why. So, to that end, I surveyed over 600 people from all over the globe. My participants varied in age, cultural background, and sexual orientation, but yet they answered in very similar ways.
So, from those interviews and surveys, I have compiled a list of behaviors which are very destructive in a relationship. Four of these behaviors stood out as they have been previously identified by a well-known psychologist and researcher, John Gottman. These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. He calls this “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” How fitting.
The Reasons Behind Self-Sabotage
So these might tell you how someone might sabotage a relationship. As to the why, it seems that people sabotage relationships for one main reason: to protect themselves. That makes sense; that is a valid way to be. So, there you have it – you now know what sabotage looks like in relationships, how it might be done, and why. But hold on, things are never that simple. I suspect there is a lot more to why people sabotage love.
So, what I’d like to do today is to walk you through some of the responses from people in my study. When asked to explain why they can’t maintain successful, long-term relationships, this is what my participants have said. Take this one: female participant, age 25. “I am always afraid it’s not going to work or I am going to get hurt.”
Another example: this male participant, age 41. “I have a fear of getting hurt by being the one broken up with.” Now, we know that people who are motivated to self-protect tend to have difficulties with self-esteem.
The Role of Self-Esteem in Self-Sabotage
Self-esteem is how we perceive ourselves and our own self-worth, but this concept is highly validated by social interactions. Let me show you another example: this female participant, age 34. “I avoid people who like me. I think there is something wrong with them.” People with self-esteem difficulties will self-sabotage because they experience fret. Again, they do it to protect themselves.
So overall, self-saboteurs hold insecure views of themselves, others, and relationships. And this is usually due to having had difficult relationships in the past, growing up, say, with their parents, peers, or romantic partners. This is really tough to escape, and for self-saboteurs, this is even harder. I have another example: male participant, age 35. “My high expectations of people hold me back from maintaining a successful relationship.”
Now let me tell you, the way people choose to self-sabotage will be uniquely tailored by their past experiences, but no matter how unique, their journey is often met with a twist of fate. People who regularly self-sabotage will finally become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Self-Sabotage
So they tell themselves they cannot do a task. Their claims will translate their performance into real outcomes. It’s like staring into a crystal ball, knowing exactly what’s going to happen. I have more examples: female participant, age 25. “I put myself in relationships which are doomed to fail from the start as I have fear of being abandoned.”
Another female participant, age 25. “I know that me trying to maintain a distance like that is one of the reasons my relationships always fail.” I have countless examples just like this, but one of them is actually standing right in front of you. Hello, my name is Raquel. I am a recovering romantic self-saboteur.
A Personal Story of Self-Sabotage
This is a photo of me in my hometown, Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil. Before meeting my husband, I found myself in a pattern of self-sabotage. After years of studying psychology and researching, I now know that it could be because I was abandoned at birth and left for dead at a public hospital.
I spent months at the hospital because I was premature and very, very sick. But later, I was actually adopted by the nurse who took care of me and her husband, an Air Force surgeon. So I’m really lucky, and I have amazing parents. But this early life experience shaped me. I assume that people in a relationship with me would eventually leave me. I also assume that all my relationships will fail, without much evidence.
Consequently, I am often thinking how best to protect myself, and I count on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to do the job with criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.