Here is the full transcript and summary of Juliana Schroeder’s talk titled “How To Fight Loneliness: Everyday Hacks For A Connected Life” at TEDxMarin conference. In this TEDx talk, behavioral scientist Juliana Schroeder speaks about the paradox of loneliness, how people who are lonely sometimes further isolate themselves, creating a cycle of loneliness.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
If you’re anything like me, you’ve had moments in life when you feel incredibly lonely. Imagine if you felt that crushing loneliness every single day. Well, an estimated 44 million Americans this year reported exactly that, leading the U.S. Surgeon General to confirm what we already feel, we’re in a loneliness epidemic.
The paradox of loneliness is that people who are lonely don’t want others to think there’s something wrong with them. So they further isolate themselves, creating a cycle of loneliness. Its invisibility is part of what makes it so insidious. Some of my own loneliest moments occurred strangely while I was surrounded by people.
I had just started my first full-time job post-college and it was sapping away all of my energy. I’d wake up early while it was still dark out, load up on coffee and dread, and ride the rush-hour commuter train packed into my seat like a sardine with people on every side of my body.
I felt detached from everyone around me, almost as though I was floating just outside the train looking through the window at myself. But instead of alleviating that detachment by turning to the person sitting next to me and saying, hi, I usually spent my commute scrolling through social media on my phone, taking solace in digital daydreams.
That painful commute led to one good thing. It motivated me to become a psychology researcher and spend my career studying the dynamics of social interaction. I became fascinated with understanding my own irrational behavior.
Why did I spend day after day perpetuating my loneliness even though I was literally surrounded by opportunities to lessen it? On that train, I was faced with the same fundamental social choice all humans have faced since the dawn of time. Should we connect with others or avoid them?
Unlike for our earlier ancestors, avoidance is easier for us than ever before in history thanks to modern technological advances. Instead of commuting into work to chat with our coworkers, we’re sitting alone in home offices begging for no-meeting Fridays. Instead of going to the grocery store and commiserating with our neighbors in the checkout line about the rising price of eggs, we’re ordering delivery online.
Avoidance feels convenient, but it carries an inconvenient consequence. Research has found that sustained loneliness is as bad for your physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or rarely exercising. Our loneliness epidemic is a public health crisis.
Instead of engaging in the healthy social exercise of connecting with other people in real life, too often we’re binging on internet junk food. Our hyperconnection in the virtual world is facilitating disconnection in the human world.
So how do we fight this loneliness epidemic? I’ve discovered some simple ways in my research to not feel so alone. Let’s travel together to another commuter train just like the one where I felt disconnected from everyone around me.
But this time I wasn’t there to ride the train, I was there to run an experiment on it for my PhD in psychology with my brilliant advisor Nick Epley. We wanted to test whether avoiding others is really the choice that makes people happiest. For this experiment, I asked one group of train riders to sit in solitude during their commute. And I asked another group of train riders to do something very different than usual to try to connect with someone else on the train.
I also asked a separate group of train riders to just imagine doing those things and predict what it would be like. So let’s take a look at the results. It may not surprise you that the predictors expected that having to talk with a stranger on the train would lead them to have the least positive commuting experience, that it would bring them the least happiness and it would be the least pleasant.
But what actually happened to those people told to talk to someone else on the train? Something very unexpected. According to their own survey data, they reported having the most positive commute, the exact opposite of what the predictors expected. So why did the predictors get it wrong?
Why do people choose to avoid each other if they’d be happier connecting? One reason our research finds is that people tend to overestimate the social risk of connecting with others, particularly with strangers. As just one example, our participants estimated that more than half of other train riders would reject them if they tried to talk. But our data suggests that’s very wrong.
In reality, almost everyone in our data set who tried to talk reported that the other person did respond back. I think of it as the rule of reciprocity in social interaction. People tend to give what they get. If someone says hi to you, you typically say hi right back. This insight points to a remedy for loneliness.
Rather than retreating into our screens when we’re surrounded by people, we can take advantage of the almost unlimited opportunities for genuine connection that exist all around us. The data suggests it’s not as risky as we think. If you choose to connect with someone, not only can it give you a much-needed mood boost, it can also do the same for them.
Of course, combating loneliness involves more than just forming new connections. It also requires deepening our existing connections with our colleagues, friends, and loved ones. To establish a deeper connection with someone, you have to openly exchange your mental contents with each other. Talk about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and desires.
We scientists call this process a conversation.
Unfortunately, too often our conversations are shallow, devoid of intimacy and understanding. Many of us go weeks without having meaningful conversation, instead subsisting on superficial small talk, like what we ate for dinner last night.
My and other scientists’ research has identified another important factor that affects the quality of our conversations, the medium of communication. Did you know that more than half of young people’s social interactions today occur via text-based media, emailing, texting, direct messaging? I mean, I get it.
I also love to text, it feels so easy, but the problem with texting is that it lacks the humanizing cues needed for deeper insight into another person’s mind. Words heard via the human voice convey the language of mind more vividly than words read on a screen.
Consider what you’re learning about my mind as you listen to my voice right now. My tone, volume, cadence, all of those things are giving you deeper insight into not just what I’m saying, but what I’m meaning to say, the mind behind my words.
And in expressing my mind, my voice is subtly signaling my deeper humanity. This humanizing power of voice has been illustrated in a series of experiments across many different situations, from recruiters perceiving job candidates to be more mindful if they can hear their elevator pitch than read their cover letter, to political opponents having more open and receptive conversations if they speak to each other than if they write to each other, to people being more successful at reconnecting with their old friends if they call them up on the phone than if they email with them.
Across all these contexts, speaking appears to be a superior means of connecting. Why is that? So we’ve identified at least three reasons. First, it changes how your words are understood. Even the exact same words will be evaluated differently when they’re heard via the sound of a person’s voice than when they’re read.
Second, it changes which words you choose to use. People tend to say very different things, particularly more intimate and receptive things when they speak to each other than when they write to each other.
And third, it changes how words are exchanged. Speaking typically is more synchronous than writing, which means one person’s words occur immediately before the other person’s reactions. That close connection in time allows two people to share their mental content back and forth more effectively.
In fact, research suggests that as two people are talking with each other, they’re quite literally syncing their brainwaves, the neurological evidence of their psychological alignment, and their heart rates, the cardiovascular evidence of their connectedness. According to those data, how you choose to connect with someone else matters. A live voice-to-voice conversation facilitates deeper human-to-human connection.
From what I know now, I wish I could go back to that lonely train ride years ago. It wouldn’t be easy, but I’d make a different choice. I’d turn to the person sitting next to me, make eye contact, and say something like, hi, I hope we can survive the hell of rush hour together. Look, even with a really awkward opening line like that, the data still suggests the other person is likely to say hi back.
In my own journey toward trying to become a little less lonely, I’ve learned that there will always be moments when I just want to ghost everyone. After all, solitude is wonderful sometimes, but loneliness is a very different animal. Combating loneliness means making the deliberate choice to connect, even when all you want to do is avoid, because we now know that living in the real social world is psychologically and physically a far healthier choice.
Whether it’s simply saying hi to someone new on the train, at the grocery store, or on a hike, or talking to your loved one by picking up the phone rather than texting or emailing, these choices might feel small, but in aggregate, they have the power to change us from feeling lonely to feeling connected.
I’ll close with the words of philosopher Daisaku Ikeda, who put it so well. He said, “There is no true joy in a life lived closed up in the little shell of the self. When you take one step to reach out to people, your life can be transformed.” And instead of saying thank you, I’ll just say hello.
SUMMARY OF THIS TALK:
Juliana Schroeder’s talk, “How To Fight Loneliness: Everyday Hacks For A Connected Life,” addresses the widespread issue of loneliness, particularly in the context of modern life. Here are the key takeaways from her talk, summarized in about 500 words:
Loneliness Epidemic: Schroeder begins by highlighting the prevalence of loneliness, noting that 44 million Americans reported feeling extremely lonely. This situation has led to the U.S. Surgeon General declaring a loneliness epidemic.
Paradox of Loneliness: She discusses the paradox of loneliness, where lonely individuals tend to isolate themselves further to avoid showing their vulnerability, thus exacerbating their loneliness.
Personal Experience: Schroeder shares her own experience of feeling lonely in crowded settings, like during her commute on a packed train. This experience led her to become a psychology researcher focusing on social interactions.
The Choice of Social Interaction: She emphasizes the fundamental social choice humans face: to connect with others or avoid them. Modern technology has made avoidance easier, contributing to the loneliness epidemic.
Health Implications: Schroeder points out the serious health consequences of sustained loneliness, equating its impact to smoking 15 cigarettes a day or living a sedentary lifestyle.
Digital Disconnection: There’s a contrast between hyperconnectivity online and disconnection in real life. She argues that our reliance on virtual interactions is contributing to the loneliness epidemic.
Social Experiment on a Train: Schroeder describes an experiment conducted during her PhD, where train commuters were asked to either engage with others or sit in solitude. Contrary to expectations, those who interacted with others reported a more positive experience.
Overestimating Social Risk: The research showed that people tend to overestimate the risk of rejection in social interactions, especially with strangers. In reality, most attempts to engage were reciprocated positively.
Importance of Genuine Connection: Schroeder stresses the importance of seizing opportunities for real-life connections, as these are less risky and more rewarding than we often assume.
Deepening Existing Connections: Combating loneliness isn’t just about forming new connections but also about deepening existing ones. This involves sharing thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and desires – essentially having meaningful conversations.
Medium of Communication: Schroeder discusses how the medium of communication affects the quality of our interactions. More than half of young people’s social interactions occur through text-based media, which lacks the depth and humanizing cues present in voice conversations.
Humanizing Power of Voice: The talk emphasizes the power of voice in conveying deeper insights into a person’s mind and fostering human connection. This is supported by research across various contexts, from job interviews to political discussions.
Choice and Impact of Connection: The speaker reflects on how choosing to connect with someone can transform not just one’s mood but also the mood of others. This can be as simple as saying hi to a stranger or picking up the phone instead of texting.
Solitude vs. Loneliness: Schroeder distinguishes between solitude, which can be beneficial, and loneliness, which is harmful. She advocates for making deliberate choices to connect with others.
Transformative Power of Outreach: Concluding her talk, Schroeder quotes philosopher Daisaku Ikeda, emphasizing the transformative power of reaching out to others and moving beyond self-isolation.
In summary, Schroeder’s talk provides insights into the nature and impact of loneliness in modern society and offers practical advice for fostering genuine, meaningful connections in everyday life.