Here is the full transcript of Johnson Chong’s talk titled “How To Deal With Toxic Family Relationships” at TEDxRolandPark conference.
In this TEDx talk, Johnson Chong discusses the unspoken family contracts that dictate expectations and obligations, often leading to stress and disappointment. He reveals his personal struggle with his family’s expectations, particularly around his sexuality and career choices, which contradicted his family’s traditional values. Chong addresses the emotional challenges faced when these family contracts are one-sided or exploitative, leading to estrangement and emotional distress.
He introduces a five-step method for renegotiating family contracts, emphasizing the importance of understanding, empathy, and clear communication. Despite his efforts, Chong shares that his father did not accept him, highlighting the difficult decision to separate from toxic family dynamics. He encourages individuals to choose themselves and live authentically, even if it means redefining or ending relationships with family members.
Ultimately, Chong’s talk focuses on the importance of self-respect and courage in confronting and resolving unhealthy family dynamics.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
I appreciate that you’re all looking at me right now, and you’re thinking, “He’s going to play the piano. Awesome, we’re going to have some music.” You’re right to think so. I am a classically trained pianist, but I feel a lot of pressure because I don’t think I’ll be able to play for you. I feel terrible for letting you down; that’s not my intention.
I’m wondering if you’d all be cool if I don’t play. We could talk instead. How would you feel about that? You know, it was actually my mother who wanted me to play the piano. She envisioned taking care of my children while I taught. The only problem is I’m gay. I don’t want kids, and I hate playing the piano.
You see, every family has unspoken contracts, and unlike written contracts, they come in the form of expectations and obligations. What to do, how to do it, and when to do it. What do you get if you fulfill your end of the deal? Love and acceptance. Well, in theory, anyway. In reality, most family contracts are often one-sided, lopsided, or outright exploitative. And when they are, well, it can be both hopeless and desperate.
Confronting Family Expectations
[Video clip: “My father never wanted me as a son, and he definitely didn’t want me as a daughter. We haven’t spoken since I was 12. When I came out as trans, I asked my mother if she could respect my new name and life as Vicky. She refused. I wanted my family in my life, but we could not have been more separated.”
Our stories are far from rare. Over one in four American adults are estranged from their families, and that could be from a parent or both, a sibling, or a relative. And when I say estranged, I don’t mean infrequent emails or dinner at Thanksgiving; I mean completely cut off.
And the main causes are emotional abuse, personality and value clashes, mismatched expectations, physical or sexual trauma. And now, when you tell people this, they’re like, “Oh, well, but honey, they’re the only family you got.” I mean, but this is, this is really the best that we can do. Are we destined to choose between self-suppression or tearing ourselves away as a last resort?
Or is there a third path, a healthier way of dealing with our toxic family relationships? Now, I believe that the answer lies in looking at our family contracts, dissecting them, and then renegotiating them for the sake of ourselves and everyone involved.
Now, since we’re talking about contracts, you know, a few years ago I was at a trampoline park and I was asked to sign a contract that said I could not sue them if I injured myself at the facility. You know what I’m talking about, right? And I signed this contract a full 10 minutes before I needed to sue them. You know, we are constantly clicking “agree” to lengthy agreements that we don’t even know what we’re agreeing to.
It’s like we’ve completely lost track of how contracts even work. Now, I am not a lawyer. So, I asked my friend who is a lawyer, what actually makes a contract work?
[Video clip: “A contract only needs five elements to be legally binding. One, the offer, which is the agreement to do or not to do something. Two, acceptance of the terms and conditions. Three, consideration, which is a promise to reciprocate value, whether monetary or otherwise. Four, mutuality, which is the understanding that all parties will perform all the duties that they agreed upon. And five, capacity. Everyone involved needs to be of legal age and of sound mind to enter into a contract.”
If you think about it, family obligations and legal contracts are not very different. Well, except that the offer is often done as this one-sided ultimatum. And so, the acceptance of the terms and conditions of the offer are received reluctantly, under pressure. And then the consideration, which is the reciprocal exchange of value, is not always fair because it’s often the other family member, aka the elder family member, who dictates what is fair.
And mutuality can only be if both parties are freely willing. And capacity-wise, you were a minor, not a legal adult when the rules start applying to you. In fact, most of the times, your family contract gets revealed to you in stages throughout your life with statements like, “If you want to play with your toys, then you’re going to have to play the piano more.”
“If you want money for your piano lessons, you’re going to have to help out around the house.” “While you’re living under this roof, you need to be getting straight A’s.” And depending on what specific culture you were born into, you might have extra clauses.
So, for example, if like me, you were born into a traditional Chinese household, you get “obey your father, respect your mother, care for your parents in old age, honor your ancestors, provide male heirs.” Do I need to go on?
And whatever your specifics are, you come into this world in debt, and you pay it off throughout your life, kind of like student loans.
If we can renegotiate legal contracts, then why can’t we renegotiate family ones? My parents were freedom swimmers, and they weren’t doing the 200 meter freestyle at the YMCA. They were literally swimming across the Southern Sea from China to Hong Kong because they didn’t have enough money for seats on an illegal boat, or yet another failed attempt to escape communist rule.
Coming from political landowning families, my grandparents were killed as enemies of the state. And from there, my parents sought refugee status in America, and they struggled to survive in a new country with a new language and a new way of living. Now, I was born in New York City, and I grew up speaking Cantonese, I learned English in preschool.
Compared to my parents, my life was pretty easy to begin with. And so, it was no wonder that they expected a lot of me. And it was also no wonder that I felt awful for not being what they wanted.
You see, being gay went against my family contract. It meant that I would not be producing any grandsons. It meant that I would be dishonoring all of the ancestors who had given their lives so that I could live. And I felt guilty. In my younger years, I was adamant about not coming out to my parents because I didn’t want to disappoint them.
I was determined to carry my secret to the grave. I even tried running away, living in foreign countries, but that didn’t improve the situation. I was still locked into my family contract. Now, I knew I couldn’t go back, but I no longer wanted to hide.
And so that’s when I saw a third path. Confrontation. Laying the contract out on the table, pointing out what does not work for you, and renegotiating a new contract. Now, the stakes were high, but I knew this had to be done.
The Art of Renegotiation
And I decided to synthesize a five-step method of renegotiation. And so, the first step is to hear the other person and to acknowledge what they’re saying. Now, acknowledgement doesn’t mean agreement. It simply means listening and letting them know that you did.
So, for example, when my dad said to me, “Son, you’re gay and teaching spirituality, you’re a hypocrite,” I just repeated back what he said. I said, “Dad, I hear you. Because I am gay and teaching spirituality, you think that I am a hypocrite.” This way he can hear that I understood what he was saying.
And more importantly, he gets to hear repeated back to him the words coming out of his own mouth. Now, if you can do this in a neutral way, you will create empathy, which then lays the groundwork for the second step. To say how you’re really feeling.
“Dad, I can only love who I love, and it makes me sad to hear that you feel that way.” Communicate your true emotions clearly. This way the other person can understand the effect their words have on you. Now that you’ve laid everything out on the table, the third step is to connect your stories.
Demonstrate without blame that you understand where they’re coming from and also share where you’re coming from. Like, “Dad, I understand that it is very important for you that I value the traditions of this family and I respect our ancestors and I do. I am grateful for our ancestors and I am grateful for you for risking your life and fleeing to America, but I can’t change the fact that I’m gay. And I’m sorry that this hurts you, but I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.”
After you have related in a way that they can understand, this sets you up for the fourth step. To request for what you want in your relationship. “Dad, I would like you to support me even if you don’t agree, and I would like to be a part of your life if that’s something you want.” After telling them what you want, the final step is to invite them to click agree.
Now, it’s very important to offer them the choice so that they can decide about whether or not they are capable of meeting your request. So, “Dad, what do you think about that?” For those of you experiencing unhealthy family dynamics, you can use these five simple steps.
Now, I use the example of me being gay, but you could use this anytime and anywhere. This structure of renegotiation can be duplicated for all unhealthy contracts. Now, does it guarantee a happy ending? It depends.
In my case, when I asked my dad if he could support me as I am, he ended up saying no. So, what do you do with that? Well, having received a definite answer, you can now begin the active process of separating from this unhealthy dynamic. You can also begin the process of grieving the loss of a family member who you thought was supposed to be unconditionally there for you.
And no matter how hard it is to face such a rejection, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you tried. And you no longer now have to hold on to the what ifs. You see, breaking up with your family, it doesn’t mean you have to delete the good times from your memory.
It takes courage to let go of someone who cannot stand up for you and support you as you are. But if you can find that courage, the reward is that you get to live unapologetically as you.
[Video clip: “Breaking up with my parents was instinctual and profoundly necessary. If it wasn’t for that breakup, I never would have been able to take the steps required to be me. I think my younger self just wanted my parents to choose me, and they did not. So, I learned to choose myself.”
Yeah, I learned to choose myself too. My mom and I, we renegotiated. We started communicating differently. My dad, well, he’s kind of like the piano. I don’t have high hopes of playing again.
Choosing Yourself
Renegotiating or breaking up with your family does not guarantee happy endings, but what it does guarantee is you gain more courage and a new level of self-respect. I mean, we spend all of our lives negotiating how we relate to other people all the time, but at the end of the day, you can never really negotiate who you are.
My question to you is this: Are you living your life? Or is your life colored by the unspoken, unwritten family contracts that you’re afraid of addressing? So, whether you are monocultural, multicultural, male, female, straight, queer, or exist outside of any restrictive labels or constructs, whatever, my challenge to you is this: Take a good, honest look at the fine print and ask yourself, is this beneficial for your development as a human being? Are you ready to dismantle the unspoken family contracts that are no longer sustainable?
And if you are, and your family is willing, then you get to live a more fulfilling and healthier relationship. And if not, and they say no, you tried. You gave it a shot. You did your best. No regrets. Now you get to live life on your terms. So, how do you feel about that? Thank you.