The Remarkable Simplicity of Happiness: Marlena Brothers Frank (Transcript)

Here is the full transcript of Marlena Brothers Frank’s talk titled “The Remarkable Simplicity of Happiness” at TEDxBrookdaleCommunityCollege conference.

Marlena Brothers Frank’s talk, “The Remarkable Simplicity of Happiness,” delves into the essence of true happiness, challenging the conventional pursuit tied to external achievements and circumstances. She underscores the importance of being present, expressing gratitude, and fostering meaningful connections, principles taught by her centenarian grandmother, Lucille.

Frank emphasizes that long-term happiness is largely unaffected by material gains, a notion supported by psychological research and studies on hedonic adaptation. Her narrative is enriched with personal anecdotes and the transformative lessons learned from her grandmother’s diverse and fulfilling life. Ultimately, Frank’s talk offers a compelling argument for reevaluating our paths to happiness, advocating for a simpler, more introspective approach centered around love, gratitude, and presence.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

The Pursuit of Happiness

“I will be happy when.” Take a second and complete that sentence. “I will be happy when.” Most likely, you’re completing it with a change in circumstance. “I will be happy when I retire. I will be happy when I get that dream job. I will be happy when I meet that special person, when I make a million dollars. I will be happy when I get that new car.” That really nice new car.

Ultimately, what we are saying is, “I will be happy when something is different.” It’s probably not surprising to you that we often get happiness wrong. That this pursuit of happiness can be endless, boundless.

We chase happiness until we are miserable. Studies have found that these external life circumstances, such as the car, the money, the job, generally have very little impact on our long-term happiness. Due to something referred to as hedonic adaption, no matter what changes occur in your environment, your happiness will always go back to your set point. This is your general level of happiness. You may receive a temporary boost from these events, but ultimately it does not last.

The Science of Happiness

As a professor of psychology, I found my passion and my purpose in the world of positive psychology, the study of what makes life most worth living. I have spent years teaching the techniques to become happier. Thanks to this field of study, we now have more research than ever on how to become happier, more optimistic, more joyful, more filled with gratitude, and even more resilient. There is science on how to thrive. Creating this long-lasting happiness is much simpler than you would think, yet we continue to complicate it.

I’m lucky because I had someone help teach me the simplicity of it all. My 100-year-old grandmother, Lucille. Her life and my relationship with her is better than any book. Through her actions and words, she taught me the three most important elements about how to live a happy life. And here is the wisdom from my grandmother: One, be present. Two, be grateful. And three, have love and connection.

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A Life Well Lived

Grandma is the epitome of a life well lived, and not just because of her meaningful and incredibly exciting life, but also because of her approach to life. Long before there was a manual on it, grandma simply lived it. In 1952, my grandmother graduated with a master’s degree from Fordham University. She went on, raised a family, became an English high school teacher, and even a drama instructor.

About 25 years later, she decided to make some pretty big life changes. So, she got an amicable divorce. She sold her house, she bought a van, and she moved to Washington, D.C. and devoted her life to organizations dedicated to world peace. While she’s there, she decides to enroll in massage therapy school and becomes a masseuse. She follows that by enrolling in nursing school, being the oldest graduate of her nursing class at the age of 65, not to be stopped.

Grandma decided to study Spanish, so she moved in with a Spanish-speaking family. Then she moved to Nicaragua, where she helped feed and heal the people there with her newly acquired Spanish-speaking skills and her nursing degree. Then she made a decision, and at the age of 70, she moved to Tucson, Arizona, where she began a career in watercolor. Her journey only continued from there.

Presence and Mindfulness

Recently, at her 100th birthday celebration, while everyone else was running around, “Where do we put the balloons? Who brought the napkins? Did I put the garbage can out? Did I hire a babysitter for Saturday night?” We were everywhere in our heads and generally screaming over each other like we do at all family gatherings. My grandmother just sat there and watched, and when there was a pause in the chaos, she said, “I am just so happy to be here. I am just so happy to be here.” What did she mean?

Grandma was in the moment, mindful and present with us. She was grateful for us, and she was surrounded by love and connection. Typically, what we experience when we’re in conversation with someone is that distracting little voice in the back of our heads. Some of you may even have it right now. What you need to do tomorrow, what you forgot about yesterday, how what you’re hearing sounds familiar or how it doesn’t resonate at all.

At times, it’s difficult to be present with someone, and what do I mean by being present? To be fully immersed in their story, to experience it without judgment, and to be focused on that human. Some people call this mindfulness. Others may say you have fully arrived. Whatever you call it, there is power in being present.

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The Art of Gratitude

Growing up until now, my grandmother had this ability in conversation with me to focus intently on me. It was as if nothing else mattered. When I talked, nothing else existed. When you experience this as a child, you’re taught that your thoughts matter. You’re taught that you matter, and you’re taught that you’re worthy of someone’s time.

Isn’t this what we all want to feel?

This is how my grandmother did it, and this is how you can do it too. She remained curious and open, even in the most mundane conversations. There was an inquisitiveness that kept her engaged. She never imagined she knew the end of where this conversation was going. She remained focused. She didn’t allow her own thoughts or opinions to disrupt the flow of the conversation. She always had questions, and she always wanted to know more.

A recent study shows the benefits of practicing mindfulness. People who are more mindful in everyday life are not only happier, but they actually have less depressive symptoms, less anxiety, and a whole host of other feel-good emotions. When you grace someone with the power of your presence, you make room for that person to be present with you. This is when you truly connect, and this is how you truly connect, and connection is what makes us happier.

The Power of Connection

My grandmother often shares her gratitude for the simple things in life: the softness of her bed, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the rain, the aide who helps her get dressed in the morning, the nurse who brings her her medicine, an empty canvas, a wet paintbrush, a new hairbrush, a jigsaw puzzle, and the ability to vote. Grandma also never misses an opportunity to tell me, “Darling, I am so grateful for you.” We often make an assumption that our loved ones, our people, our closest connections know that we are grateful for them, and because of this, we don’t tell them. When we communicate gratitude, we are happier than when we keep it to ourselves.

Studies have shown that verbally expressing your gratitude to someone boosts your happiness more so than simply thinking about it, or even writing it down. This type of activity also releases multiple feel-good chemicals in your brain, like dopamine and serotonin. It enhances your mood immediately. The expression of gratitude can seem a little bit daunting at first, but I assure you it’s quite simple.

So, how do you do it? You need to tap into your vulnerability, turn to a loved one, and say, “I am so grateful for you, and this is why.” Don’t just think it. Say it. At first, this might seem awkward and uncomfortable. I assure you the discomfort fades. Expressing your inner gratitude like this will not only make you happier, but the person who is receiving that gratitude will also become happier. It’s a superpower that makes everyone feel really good.

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Fostering Lasting Connections

Throughout my life, I watched as my grandmother created close connections, even through her many moves and her multiple careers. She would always fuel her social circle, from high school drama teacher to political activist, from humanitarian worker to watercolor artist, from yoga instructor to masseuse. You see where this is going. No matter what she was doing or where she was, she prioritized creating lasting and close connections. She even remained in contact with her best friend from kindergarten up until recently, 90 years later.

Grandma had it right. According to the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, positive relationships keep us happy and help us live longer. This is an 85-year-old study that has revealed that close relationships more than money or fame are what keep people happy throughout their entire lives. These relationships that you have, these close connections, are more important when talking about your longevity and your happiness than your social class, your intelligence, and even, are you ready for this, your genetics. Investing in these relationships we know now is vital to a well-lived and happy life, and it takes effort. It’s sort of a job.

It’s one that really repays you. Think about the people who energize you, the people who empower you, the people who make you feel valuable. Are you feeding these relationships, or are they starving for your attention? Your people, your closest connections, are what are going to help you thrive. Perhaps your idea of happiness and what makes you happy is beginning to change a little bit. Maybe you’re thinking about it a little bit differently.

The Simplicity of Happiness

Long-lasting happiness is not going to be found in the job, in the promotion, or even that new car. You have the ability to create this happiness, and you can begin right here, right now, by being present, by being grateful, and surrounding yourself with love and connection. And Grandma Lucille would agree, this is the remarkable simplicity of happiness. Thank you.