Here is the full transcript of Liz Carlile’s talk titled “Dear Overwhelmed Moms, Self-Care Isn’t Selfish” at TEDxColoradoSprings conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Shift from “Me” to “We”
And when I first learned that I was pregnant seven years ago, my whole mindset shifted from one of me to we. I became obsessed from getting all the right prenatal vitamins to drinking tons of water to moving my body. Everything I was doing was for this other life form that I wanted to be absolutely sure was going to be healthy and happy. But I want to challenge you today.
I want you to consider the notion that mothers not only could but should be more selfish. Now before you roll your eyes or laugh or judge, hear me out. Because I’m coming to you with this because I was a mother that was not being selfish, was not taking care of myself. I was doing everything I could for my son at the expense of my own mindset and well-being.
And all of that came to a head one night. My son was about six weeks old. We were going through our nighttime routine. I had him in the bath, splashing in the water. And he’s looking up at me with these beautiful blue eyes and smiling. And I just started to cry. I’m crying. And I’m thinking, “Liz, what’s wrong?
A Moment of Realization
Why aren’t you happy? Your son is healthy. You’re healthy. Why are you in such a dark place? And in that moment of darkness, my own mother’s words came through, as they often do, don’t they? I remember her saying, ‘Liz, if I didn’t get my run in, if I didn’t do my Joni Greggins workout tape, I wasn’t me for the day.’ And I thought, of course, I haven’t been taking care of myself. You see, my mother was one who ran the household. She had four crazy children.
And my dad was in the Marine Corps. So he was often deployed or working 18 hour days consistently through my whole childhood. So she was manning the fort. She was holding it down. And she was doing an amazing job. She was always such a light, a source of positivity and fun and engagement. It was rare that she brought out the wooden spoon. So I thought, “OK, well, if a run is good enough for my mother, it’s got to be good enough for me.”
Embracing Self-Care
I resolved in that moment on the floor to make self-care the priority in my life. I had to. I had to save myself. So the next day rolled around. I get in my workout gear. I lace up my shoes. I hand my son to my husband and I head for the door. And as I’m walking to the door, I have this overwhelming feeling. I think you know what I’m going to say. It’s that mom guilt. It’s that mom guilt.
It’s as ubiquitous as the worry, which is also always with us. And I thought, “Oh, here we go.” And I don’t know if it’s because our children are physically part of us for so long. And so when we separate, all these alarms start going off. But I just thought back to that night on the bathroom floor and I said, “I can’t go back to that.” I won’t. So I left and I headed out on the road.
And as I’m paddling along, it was rough. My muscles were tired. I’m already out of breath. I’m like a minute in. I just, I have this other feeling welling up inside of me. It’s one of joy, of bliss, of excitement. I’m getting it. Even as I’m talking about it now, I can feel it. It’s back.
And I was back with that person that has been with me from my first breath and will be there with me at my last breath. I was back with her. And it was magic. And I thought, “Wow, okay, I’m on to something.” And so I finished my run. I head back into the house. I walk in. And that sense of elation is literally just beaming out of me towards my son, towards my husband. He’s looking at me like, “Who is this woman? I’ve missed her.”
But I knew this was it. And so the next day I didn’t run. A little sore. But I took out my journal. So I’d always loved journaling when I was little. So I’m writing. And I thought it would be a five-minute practice. It turned into 20. And everything, all of the worry, all of the stress, all of the, “Am I being a good enough mom? Am I doing enough?” Was out of my body, through the pen and onto the page.
Self-Care as a Universal Need
It was out of me. And after I was done, I felt that lightness again. I felt that joy again. And then I was off, you know, with the rest of my day. I was like, “Okay, this is what I need to do to feel whole and ready for the day.” And I know not all mothers struggle with this. My mom obviously instinctively knew what she had to do to fill her cup.
Another woman that I interviewed on my podcast, her name is Jo, she became pregnant when she was 16. And she was kicked out of the house. She was on her own with a new baby. And through that struggle, she developed her own self-care practices. She meditates, she says daily positive affirmations, and she works out. And her son is grown and out of the house and she still does these things each and every day. And she is a source of light and positivity and generosity to everyone that she touches.
That’s what I mean when I’m talking about selfishness. I really just mean self-care.