Read here the full transcript of Sofía Tuane’s talk titled “Are We Chasing Dreams Or Just Running?” at TEDxVitacura 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Journey of Self-Discovery
I want you to join me closing your eyes for a second. Now, let’s think together. Imagine that we fly to a distant future, five or ten years from today. When you picture your life in that future, what do you see?
Probably, you’ve accomplished all your goals and fulfilled all your wishes. Surely, you feel happy and ecstatic with a warm heart for having achieved everything you ever wished for. Some of you may picture yourself married or with children. Others may imagine having a top-tier position in your current workplace.
You’ve reached the number of clients you always dreamed of. Or, if you have a startup, you imagine the moment when it succeeds and turns into a unicorn. I know that future, it sounds amazing. But now, I’m going to ask you to press pause on that magical movie, to open your eyes and think of the following questions.
First, how much of what you imagine comes from your own desire, and how much has to do with what you think others expect from you? Second, is that the future you truly desire, or is it the only scenario you can think of? Finally, are we chasing dreams or just running? I want to tell you a personal story that made me ask myself these same questions.
A Volleyball Journey
As you can tell, I’m tall, very tall. I’m six feet. And to be honest, I never really felt like I fitted in my world. In fact, when I was nine years old, I was the tallest girl in my class, which has repeated throughout time.
One day, a teacher told me that if there was a place where I could fit in and be good at, it was a sport in particular. And that was volleyball. So I joined the school team. I started getting better and getting more serious about it.
When I was 13, I was called in to join the Chilean National Volleyball Team. I remember that in my first practice in the national team, the coach told me I had to work on my spike, so he put me in front of a wall all by myself while all my teammates were practicing behind me to spike the ball for two straight hours. That happened for the next three practices until I turned good enough to start practicing and playing with the others. I played competitively until I was 22.
For 13 years, my life revolved around volleyball. For 13 years, I was always focused on winning. If we lost a set, let’s go, let’s focus on the next one. But if we won a set, great, but we still need to win the next one.
So no relaxing. Let me put it this way. When you’re playing an important match and you’re down 14-12 in the last set, that 13th point you score, you don’t celebrate it enthusiastically and even less enjoy it because you have to score points 14, 15, and 16 to win the match. It’s that moment when coaches teach you your first lesson: Don’t celebrate until you win the match.
The Pursuit of Academic Excellence
Goal-driven, seeking results, always searching for the next challenge. That same brain structure remained in my brain when I had to develop the more traditional part of my life, like studying a good career in a good university. Balancing professional sports with studies is not an easy task.
Although I gave my everything in the admissions test, my score just wasn’t enough to study law at Universidad Católica as I had hoped for. But luckily for me, since I dedicated so much time to professional volleyball, I made it, but with a sports scholarship. For some reason, there was something in me that, having entered as an athlete, made me feel less, as if I were less capable or not good enough. So I set myself up for another goal.
I wanted to be the first woman in my career to get my title from the Supreme Court. And I knew that for me, in order to win that big match, I had to start winning specific sets. The first set was graduating quickly with straight A’s while I was still playing volleyball. I knew I couldn’t permit myself to fall behind.
So the time I failed a class, I said goodbye to my vacations and passed it in my first summer of university. You can imagine that I never failed a class ever again. The second set, in this match of being the first woman to have the lawyer title of my generation, was being one of the first ones passing the bar exam. So then, I would just have to win the last set during my professional practice in the exact six months that the state required, and with that, I had won the match.
I just had to wait for the medal, which was my title, given by the Supreme Court. My life had turned into a series of goals that I had to achieve, being unable to enjoy the process and without questioning myself if I really wanted them. I was running from one place to another, without stopping to think, and without actually feeling the satisfaction of each achievement.
The Void After Achievement
And the story ends with me being the first woman of my generation to have her title from the Supreme Court. Although I felt incredibly happy with all the congratulations and cheering for being the first one, after a while, I fell into a void, maybe an anguish, that lasted for weeks, even months.
I remember that one day, I woke up in anguish and started desperately crying in my room, sitting on the floor with my back against the door, feeling tiny, very tiny, as if the room grew bigger as I dropped each tear.
I did not understand anything. I didn’t understand why I was crying if I had achieved everything I ever wished for.
I didn’t understand where my life was going, or what was my next purpose. I realized I had won the match. I had achieved the big goal, and I had to keep searching for bigger goals to achieve. And then, I got tired of running, and I got tired being very young.
I realized that because I had been running since I was nine, I missed the little things that in the long run finally composed life. I distanced myself from my high school best friends. I didn’t share with my friends in the college patio, or even had a college life. And I missed many Sunday family lunches for being focused on studying or training, because I always was focused on the results.
I realized that I had been running towards goals that I didn’t know if I really wanted. I didn’t know which one was the ultimate goal, or even if there was an ultimate goal.
A Common Struggle
It turns out that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. I spoke with several people, and lots also felt that they had been running towards goals without enjoying the ride, following a path that we believe is marked for us, without opening up to the possibilities of perhaps choosing a different option that could make us happier.
Since we were little, we’d been asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up? How long until you finish your studies? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids?” etc. We have been led to believe that life is only about results, and not about processes. It is as if the only important thing is to fulfill and cross a goal, so that we can check off a list and move on to the next one. But will there ever be an end to that infinite list of goals?
At what point, and for how long, are we really happy? A study by the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania and the Statistics Research Institute found that only 8% of people who set goals in one year succeed in achieving them. So what about the other 92%? Would it mean they failed?
My past self is sure they did. But now I understand that they did not. Because now I understand that sometimes results come when we focus on the path towards those same results. Because now I understand that life is not measured by how successful we are or appear to be, but perhaps by how happy we were.
The Concept of Flow
In researching and questioning these issues, I came to discover the concept of flow, coined by psychologist and professor at the University of Chicago, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He defines flow as a state of total immersion and enjoyment in an activity that makes people who experience this flow not only enjoy more the process, but also tend to perform better and achieve their goals more successfully. This state of flow improves our concentration, creativity, and satisfaction, leading us to be more productive and improving our overall well-being, like right now. I’m enjoying this moment.
So why do we focus and insist on meeting and accomplishing goals that we don’t even know if we want to meet? Why do we run like horses with blinders on, so we don’t get distracted by the multiple possibilities that exist and that we don’t explore because we believe there’s only one way, and that is to cross the finish line?
A New Perspective
Months after falling into that void I was telling you before, I decided to take control of my life and make a change. I started to breathe, to enjoy life, to live each day as if it were my last, without running, without choosing the path that everyone else might choose, knowing that even if I like things that others don’t, that is not a problem, but a virtue, and it is the beauty of being a human, the difference and individuality that distinguishes each one of us.
I changed my life completely. I work, in love, and as an individual. And now I want to tell you the three things I did when I started this path, and that I keep repeating today.
First, I did a review of my past, and made a list of all the goals I felt I had accomplished, a list that is written here. From the little things, like giving the graduation speech in high school, to the big things, like being on the board of a young leaders organization. With that first exercise, I realized that I had done a lot of stuff, and that I had forgotten a big chunk of my life because I’d been focused on pursuing goals. I started to appreciate and think about all the steps I took, the people I met, and the things I learned to achieve those goals.
Then I moved on to the second step. I tried to focus and think about what things I had done because I really wanted to, what I had done because others expected it from me, and what things I had done because I believed it was the only possible scenario.
Then, with that list of accomplishments and failures that I hadn’t enjoyed because I was focused on the results, I went on to the third step. I grabbed that list, analyzed it, realized everything I had forgotten, and made the decision to start being more present and aware of the moments I was living.
And although today I still pursue goals, I do it from a different place and with a different point of view, living and enjoying.
Embracing the Present
I started to observe my surroundings, and I started to see, but really see, my friends smiling, my little sister laughing, to stop and see how the sun hid behind the Andes mountains every day as I was sitting at my office desk. I started to feel the sun on my face on winter days. I started to smell and taste the coffee I served myself in the morning. I started to step back a bit and see, as a spectator, everything I had.
And nothing was related to having fulfilled a goal. I started, finally, to enjoy life. This last step may seem harder than the other two, which are more practical because they mean sitting down and writing a list. But we all have, without exception, the ability to enjoy the process, because it is something we are born with, something that is built into us.
And that something is our breath and our senses. I want you to join me doing a short exercise. We’re going to take three deep breaths, inhaling through the nose in three seconds, and exhaling through the mouth in two. Inhaling through the nose in three seconds, and exhaling through the mouth in three seconds.
Let’s go with the first one. Two, three. Two, three. Now, try to feel the sensation or texture of the place where you’re sitting. If it feels hard or soft. If it feels smooth or rough. If it has support or not. Now let’s do another deep breath.
Two, three. Two, three. Focus your attention on what you’re doing right now, in this unique and unrepeatable moment, listening to a TEDx talk. Let’s breathe one last time.
Two, three. Two, three. Think about what you’re feeling right now. Fear, intrigue, happiness, warmth, or coldness. Think about the smell you may feel, the taste you may have in your mouth, what you’re seeing, in the sound of my voice, or your surroundings. And when you grasp one or two senses, come back to the present.
Conclusion
Now, as you come back to the present moment, I want you to take this with you. Life can be very long or very short, depending on how fast we want to run to fulfill our goals.
With all this journey, I learned at my early 26 years that every moment, every challenge, and every lesson is what really defines our path, not the infinite list of goals we reach to accomplish before we die. I learned that the most important thing is not only to achieve the goal, but to enjoy the process towards that same goal, whether we succeed or fail. Because if you think about it, we spend more time preparing to achieve a goal than actually achieving it.
I hope with all my heart that in five or ten more years, you will be all that you authentically dreamed of today. And most of all, that you really enjoy the journey to get there. Because otherwise, we’re going to ask ourselves once again, are we chasing dreams or just running?
