Read the full transcript of Terry Nguyễn’s talk titled “Why Young Adults Don’t Need Your Advice” at TEDxDeerfield 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Challenge of Young Adult Transitions
Do you know any young adults who are wrestling with uncertainty or anxiety as they transition into adulthood? This has always been a challenging developmental phase, but especially now, post-COVID, for a generation that’s been socially isolated during key formative years, their teens. It’s something that I’ve encountered personally as a pediatrician, where my 18 and older patients keep coming back. They return looking for help despite being “adults.”
Are they returning for my adult medical expertise? Unlikely. They are mostly looking for a trusted non-parent who knows and understands them, and in many cases, since birth. Perhaps you’ve experienced your young adult returning home from a tough day.
The Shifting Parent-Child Dynamic
You sense that something is off, yet they divulge minimal information during your interrogation session. Reflexively, your problem-solving parent mode kicks in, and you share your pearls of wisdom, also known as advice, which then falls flat. What just happened? They needed you to fix everything in their lives up until now.
When did the rules change? How come you didn’t get the memo? Too often, we parents are caught up in our own stories. We’re well-intentioned. We want to help our children avoid repeating our mistakes. But that’s more about us than it is about them, isn’t it?
Think back. How often did you listen to your parents’ advice, in high school or college even? More likely, you rolled your eyes, closed your ears, and shut them out. The advice was too predictable, too drudgy. Times haven’t changed that much, have they?
The Alfred Approach
Do you recall Alfred the butler from Batman? Alfred often stood silently behind dark curtains. He didn’t appear until Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, had a specific request. Only then would Alfred step out of the shadows, offering a tray with exactly what was needed for the occasion. And then, he disappeared again.
Be Alfred for your young adult. What young people need more than ever are safe spaces and supportive coaches along their adulting journey. Pediatricians are health coaches similar to sports coaches. We’re trained to listen, meet patients where they are, and collaborate with them to create a care plan that they are invested in.
Learning from Coaching Excellence
As your young adults transition into adulthood, parents can adopt a similar approach. That’s right. They can evolve as well, alongside their teens, from that of manager to coach. The most successful college basketball coach of all time, Tara VanDerveer, the women’s basketball coach at Stanford University for 40 years, made history this past January as the coach with the most wins in the history of the NCAA.
Surpassing Duke’s men’s basketball coach, K, who held the record prior. Amazing. Her teams won about 82% of their games. What’s her secret sauce? How does Coach T-Dog, as she is affectionately known on campus, consistently inspire and motivate her athletes?
What’s her secret sauce? In an interview with the New York Times, she shared her recipe: “Recognize everyone’s different. Understand where they’re at. Maximize people’s strengths. And minimize their weaknesses. Don’t micromanage. Seek input, take risks, and experiment.” In other words, effective coaching is a collaborative partnership, not a dictatorship.
Learning from Failure
I was lucky to encounter a great coach early on in medical school. One of my pathology professors. We had to meet because I failed. Yes, you heard that right. Failed my first exam. I felt demoralized.
One of my worst fears, failure, had become a reality. Yet when I sat nervously down with this grandfatherly professor, he put me at ease right away. He didn’t pontificate or offer generic reassurances. Instead, he took the time to listen and learn about me and my dreams.
He seemed familiar with student setbacks. He created a safe space for easy conversation, self-reflection, and validation. Most importantly, I felt heard and understood. He believed in my vision to have a broader impact beyond clinical medicine, and he opened doors to start me on my way.
The Power of Mental Fitness
With his help and that of a dean, we figured a way to combine my medical degree with a master’s degree in health policy and management at the same time and without additional tuition. Wowzers. Double bonus. Who knew a failure could end like this?
As I later learned from Adam Grant, the renowned organizational psychologist, my professor created the scaffold of support needed after a setback to continue moving forward on my journey. Indeed, a great coach can help you rebound, elevate your game, and help you soar. Coaches maximize their athlete’s innate potential through physical and mindset training.
A rule of thumb from psychology is that you need three positive thoughts for every one negative thought to maintain a positive mindset. Three to one. That takes dedicated practice, and while we all know when it’s time to hit the gym, nobody talks much about mental fitness.
What is mental fitness, by the way, you might say? Mental fitness is the capacity to respond to life’s challenges with a positive growth mindset, as in cup half full, rather than a negative scarcity mindset, cup half empty. It’s not taught in the classroom, and most of us don’t know where to start, but it can be learned from an effective coach.
Supporting Young Adults’ Journey
Mental fitness training begins with tuning into your inner wisdom and tuning out your inner critic. Young adults have a reservoir of inner wisdom. They need support to discover it for themselves.
So how can we adults help? Encourage taking risks, developing agency, and accepting failures as necessary steps in the process. Perfection isn’t the goal. Focus on mastery instead.
Just like in a gym, where reps are essential, it’s repeatedly overcoming challenges that build confidence and resilience. Young adults are in training to master the skill of adulting. There is no shortcut. They must experience the adventure for themselves.
A Personal Journey
I often remind my patient’s parents to pass over the keys to their young adult, move to the passenger seat, zip your lips, sit on your hands, and enjoy the ride.