The Power of Appreciation: Mike Robbins (Transcript)

And one of the questions I asked myself over and over again was, did I have any regrets? And, you know, it was interesting. I didn’t regret a lot of the stuff that I thought I would’ve.

The only regret that I had was I didn’t fully appreciate it while it was happening. I was too busy trying to make it. You know, I was this kid from Oakland, California raised by a single mom. We didn’t have a lot of money. I was going to make it to the major leagues. I was going to be somebody. But up to that point in my life, even though I was pretty good, I spent most of my time thinking I wasn’t good enough, comparing myself to everyone around me, and literally, like, holding my breath, hoping that I didn’t mess it up. And when it was all said and done and I hadn’t made it, I thought to myself, oops. I think I missed the point.

How many of you can relate to this in your own life? Right? Our stories may be different. Our backgrounds may be different. But so many of us in our pursuit of success, in our pursuit of happiness, in our pursuit of our goals and dreams, oftentimes get so focused on where we’re headed, we forget to appreciate where we are.

Learning from Failure

And for me, it was a pretty painful way to learn a really important lesson at a relatively young age. After baseball, I ended up going to work for a startup company in San Francisco near where I live, and I was still trying to kind of figure out myself, but this appreciation thing stuck with me. And I started to actually study it and look into it, both personally, but I became fascinated with the idea of how appreciation impacted relationships in teams. Because I saw as I got into the business world, there was a team dynamic that existed that was similar to in sports, and there was something about when we were able to appreciate each other and what we were doing that things seem to work. And I started to study things like positive psychology.

This was the late nineties, and it was starting to get big, and I was studying emotional intelligence and group dynamics. And what I was finding was fascinating me so much so that I actually quit my job and started to focus on it full time. Ended up writing a book. My first book is called “Focus on the Good Stuff,” which is all about appreciation. And over the last more than a decade, I’ve had the honor and the opportunity to travel all around the country and now around the world talking about this simple concept of appreciation.

The Impact of Appreciation in Business

And I’m so honored and even humbled that great companies like Google and Gap and Wells Fargo and Adobe, even San Francisco Giants will bring me in to talk about this. Because what these organizations and many others know, they’re paying attention to the same social psychology research that we all are. And what we’re finding is that not only does appreciation impact relationships and how we feel about ourselves, but also our productivity. You know, there was a study that I read when I first started my work that really impacted me. It was a simple study, but it was profound by the Department of Labor here in the US.

What they found was they asked people who left their jobs, why’d you leave? Number one reason. Sixty-four percent of the people in the survey said I left because they didn’t feel appreciated or valued. It’s more important than how much money they made. It was more important even than the work they were doing. It was that sense of feeling valued that they were important. And the people and the organizations that understand this thrive. But there’s a simple distinction that I’ve learned over the years of doing this work and working with a lot of different types of people, both as it relates to business, but also in our lives personally. We’ve got to understand the distinction between recognition and appreciation. They’re related, but they’re not the same thing, and we get them confused all the time.

Recognition vs. Appreciation

Recognition. Here’s what recognition is. It’s positive feedback based on results or performance. You produce a result, you get recognized. Now not all the time, but and it’s motivating. It feels good. Right? When you work hard, you do something well, someone recognizes it, it feels good. As Tom Peters says, “Celebrate what you want to see more of.” Absolutely.

However, recognition is finite. It’s scarce. It’s only based on our performance. And usually in an organizational structure or in others, it’s got to come from the top down for it to really have weight and merit. Therefore, it has a lot of limits.

Appreciation, on the other hand, much more expansive. It’s more about people, less about what they do, more about who they are. The best way I know to describe this distinction is an example from my baseball career. So now whether you’re a baseball fan or not, I was a pitcher. Do you know what happens to the pitcher in the baseball game when the pitcher doesn’t do well?

You know what happens? Yeah. They stop the game. Right? And in front of everybody, the manager walks out to the mound and literally takes the ball out of your hand and makes you leave. It’s pretty embarrassing. Can you imagine if you’re at work, and you’re, like, in the middle of a big project, and you’re doing something, and you make a mistake, like a big one? You know, it blows the deal. It costs something big. And then right as soon as you hit the email that makes the big mistake or whatever, your boss person, it goes, “Hey, you. Come over here.” And you have to stop what you’re doing and pick up your stuff and walk out, and then someone else comes in and sits down at your desk and starts doing your work for you, and, oh, by the way, thousands of people are watching this happen. You imagine that’d be kind of embarrassing. Right? That’s what it’s like to get taken out of a game.

Now if it’s, like, late in the game, you know, it’s, like, the eighth inning and I was just getting tired, that was fine. Because he’d come out, he’d say, “Hey. You know, Robinson did a good job, but you’re getting a little tired. We’re going to get someone in to replace you.” I’d come off the mound, you know, high fives from all my teammates because I did a good job.

But if it was, like, the second inning, and it was already seven to nothing, that was terrible. Right? Because I’d walk off the mound upset, embarrassed, frustrated. And if we were on the road, you know, in the other team’s ballpark, it was always worse because there’d be some mean heckling fans right above the dugout saying horrible things, you know, about my mother. Right? Literally. And I would sit in the dugout, and nobody would talk to me. Right? Watch a baseball game. Again, even if you don’t like baseball, just turn a baseball game on, watch what happens when the pitcher comes out of the game. There’s, like, an unwritten rule. Oh, leave him alone. He’s upset. You know what I could’ve used when I was sitting on the bench after just giving up seven runs in the second inning? What do you think?

A hug. Some appreciation. Now not recognition. What are they going to say? “Hey, Robinson. Way to go. Great job, man. Seven runs in the second inning.” No. That would be disingenuous. That would be inauthentic. In fact, that’d be condescending. There’s nothing to recognize about the performance. And not only did I fail, personally, I failed for the team. We’re probably going to lose.

So look, our performance matters. What we do or don’t do absolutely matters. However, as a living, breathing, often insecure, although I pretended not to be in those days especially human being, I could’ve used some appreciation, not for what I had done, but for who I am. Like, “Hey, Robinson. You’re not as bad as you just performed.” Or, “Hey, man. You know what? You’re an important part of the team.” Or even just ask me, “How are you doing?” All those years playing baseball, I can count on one hand the number of times anyone ever said anything meaningful or positive to me when I failed.

The Power of Valuing People

So when we expand our capacity for what we think of when we think of appreciation, it’s not just about recognizing results and performance, it’s about appreciating people. You know, I spoke at a conference in Silicon Valley leadership conference about a year and a half ago, and the speaker before me was a professor from UC Berkeley. And he was sharing some interesting research that they’d been doing at Haas Business School, which is at Berkeley. And one of the studies he put up on his slide talked about what motivates productivity in people. And what they found in the study was that when people felt recognized for the work they did, they were twenty-three percent more effective and productive than when people didn’t.

Made sense. But the same study found that when people felt valued and cared for, a literal or figurative pat on the back, that the people around them, particularly the person they report to, really cared about them, they were forty-three percent more effective and productive than people who didn’t. There was a twenty percent increase in productivity from focusing on who people are, not just what they do. That’s the distinction. And people who understand this, both in business and in our lives personally, we start to have the ability to appreciate people and have it not be so conditional and have it start being more meaningful and impactful.

The Personal Impact of Appreciation

You know, because of the work that I do, I often get invited ironically to speak at recognition events. So these big companies will have these events. People win awards. It’s a great thing. A lot of times, they’re fancy and, you know, they get to bring a spouse and they come somewhere, and I enjoy doing them.

I was at an event like that a few months back down in Miami. And one of the questions I often ask when I speak at events like that is I’ll ask the people in the audience, the award winners, what is it about being at this event or getting this award that had you feel appreciated specifically. And I’ll have them pair up and whatnot. You know, there’s a couple hundred people in the room at this event in Miami, and after they were done talking to each other, I had a few people raise their hand, and one guy stood up. And he said, “You know, I haven’t thought about it specifically until you asked the question.” He said, “But, you know, when I got this award, I was really proud. It was a big deal. I went home and told my family. And he said, you know what? My son told me he was proud of me.” He said that was the most meaningful part. And that’s often what it is. It’s something simple. It’s something personal. It’s not some big deal. It’s something that means something to us.

Practical Steps to Express Appreciation

So what can we do? What are some simple things that you can do that we can do to start expressing our appreciation for other people more effectively? Well, the first thing we’ve got to do is we’ve got to look for it. You know, there’s a great saying, you almost always find what you look for. And we’ve got to look for it. How many of you notice with some people, it’s hard to find sometimes? Ever notice they’ve got to look hard? But remember, appreciate doesn’t mean like, doesn’t mean agree with, doesn’t mean, hey, let’s be best friends and let’s go hang out. It means recognize the value of.

You can recognize the value of any human being at any time for any reason. It’s less about them and more about you. When we look for it, we find it. Second thing we’ve got to do is create practices or make a commitment to actually do it. It’s a simple concept.

Implementing Appreciation in Daily Life

We all understand it, but just understanding it doesn’t make it happen. You know, I was speaking at an event in San Diego, actually, just this week. And after I got done speaking, I was over signing some books, and a guy came up to me and he said, “Mike, I’m so inspired. I want to start appreciating my teammates more. I’m going to start appreciating my clients more and my wife.”

And he said, “But I know that I probably won’t stay inspired.” And I said, “You’re right. It’ll wear off.” So what happens? We get inspired, and then we’re not so inspired.

I said, “So what you’ve got to do is figure out what simple practice can you put in place.” And I suggested to him, just tell people. Tell your wife. Tell your friends. Tell your coworkers.

I also suggested to him something very simple, but a lot of people that I work with, a lot of the best leaders I work with do this. Put it in your calendar. Schedule it as a reminder. After a while, you won’t have to keep reminding yourself. Third thing we’ve got to do, and this is so simple, but can radically transform the nature of relationships, teams, families, cultures.

Receiving Compliments Graciously

Start receiving compliments more graciously. How many of you notice from time to time when someone gives you a compliment, you get a little funny about it? You ever notice that? Okay. You know what you’re supposed to say when someone compliments you?

Thank you. Then, shut your mouth. Literally, you don’t have to say anything else after the thank you. Usually, if you listen to yourself and other people, whatever you say after the thank you is almost always weird and insincere. It is.

It’s a compliment. Sometimes we give a compliment right back to the person. And sometimes we mean it, but sometimes it’s, like, completely inappropriate. It would be like if you came up to me after this one and said, “Hey, Mike. That was a great talk.”

And I went, “You too.” That’s weird. But even worse, we argue with people. You ever do that? Someone gives you a compliment, you go, “Oh, no. No. It’s bad. It was terrible.” We start cutting ourselves down. Don’t do that.

It’s literally like someone handing you a birthday gift and saying happy birthday, and you’re going, “What’s wrong with you? I don’t deserve this.” I’m throwing it on the floor. You ruin the gift. You offend the giver, and you don’t get very many more gifts that way.

Do you know they’ve scientifically proven now that when one human being expresses kindness and appreciation to another human being and it’s received, it raises the serotonin level in both people’s brains. It physiologically makes us feel better. So even if you don’t agree with someone’s compliment, you start receiving it more graciously, you’ll get more, and every environment that you’re in will all of a sudden become more conducive for appreciation to be expressed. So I’m going to share one final story related to this, personal story. And what I’d like for you to do as I’m sharing this story, think about someone in your own life who matters to you, who you really appreciate.

A Personal Story of Appreciation

Because this story is about my mom. Now my mom passed away two years ago, and my mom and I had, as many of us do with our parents, a complicated relationship. We were very close, a lot of love between us, but we had our ups and downs. We had our challenges. But I had an experience with my mother about ten years ago that was pretty profound related to appreciation.

How many of you have ever seen those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? You’ve seen them right? They got chicken soup for every soul you could imagine. Right? Now I’ve loved these books. They’ve been out now for about twenty some years, and I used to buy them as gifts. And I had a bunch of them at home. And about ten years ago, I got an email, and they said they were coming out with a new chicken soup book, and they were looking for stories. And I got excited because this one was called “Chicken Soup for the Single Parent Soul.” And my mom and dad had split up when I was three, and my mom had raised me and my older sister as a single mom, and I decided I wanted to write a story and send it in.

And the story I decided to write was called “Mom Taught Me to Play Baseball” because she did. She’d actually been a PE teacher, and since my dad wasn’t around, my mom was the one that taught me how to throw and catch. She went to all my tee ball games, all my little league games, all my youth league games, high school games. She used to come see me play down at Stanford. She’d even fly to come see me play when I was playing in the minor leagues.

So I wrote a story acknowledging her for everything she’d done and sacrificed and all that. Now I didn’t tell her about this story. I told my wife, Michelle, but I was a little nervous about it. I wasn’t doing much writing at the time. I was kind of insecure about it.

I sent it in. Didn’t think it was actually going to get accepted in the book. I got an email back a few weeks actually, it was a few months later, and they said, “Hey. Congratulations. Your story is going to be in the book.”

And I was all excited. I told Michelle. I said, “Hey. I’ve got to call my mom.” And she said, “Don’t call her.”

I said, “What do you mean don’t call her?” She said, “What if you wait till the book comes out? You could surprise her.” Oh, that’s cool. So I emailed back to the chicken soup folks. I said, “When does the book come out?” They said, “Fourteen months.” Fourteen months? I’m pretty good at keeping a secret, but that’s a long time, right? So I told Michelle. I said, “Hey, fourteen months.” She’s like, “Woah.” And she said, “Okay. Look. Let’s not tell your mom. In fact, let’s not tell anyone so she doesn’t find out.” And amazingly, we did it. We kept the secret. Fourteen months passed. The book came out.

My mom didn’t know. Nobody knew. Book came out right around my birthday, February. Got a copy of it. I wrapped it up.

We were having dinner at our house, just the family, just us. And, after we had dinner, we sat down in the living room because they had some gifts for me. And I turned to my mom and I said, “Hey, mom. Before I open up my presents, I actually have a present for you.” And I handed it to her.

“Oh, honey. It’s very sweet, but it’s your birthday. I’ll look at it later.” Now she’s, like, messing up my plan. Right?

So I said, “Mom, I know listen. I know it’s my birthday, but do me a favor. Would you just open it up?” “Okay.” And she’s a little annoyed.

“Okay. Oh, how nice. They did one for single parents. Okay. I’ll read it when I get home.”

I said, “Hey, mom. Listen. I read the book, and there’s a story in here. It really reminds me of you. I said, in fact, I put a bookmark. It’s on page two ninety-four. Would you do me a favor? Would you read it out loud to everyone?” And now my mom is like annoyed. “Wait. Okay. Fine.” And she’s, like, flustered and annoyed, and she doesn’t want to do it. But “Okay. Fine.”

Takes the book, starts to read with no idea what it is. First line of the story says, “On June 1, 1995, I was standing on the pitcher’s mound at Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha, Nebraska about to throw my first pitch in the College World Series.” And my mom looks up and goes, “This guy pitched in the College World Series.” Totally not getting it. Right?

And then she starts to read the second line, and she stops. And she looks at me. And she looks at the book, and so you could see her brain was working really hard. Right? And then all of a sudden, her eyes got big, and you could see that she got it, that the story was about her and that I wrote it.

And she dropped the book, and she started to cry. And I leaned over to pick up the book off the floor. By the way, at this point, we were all crying. I picked up the book off the floor. I handed it back to her, and I said, “Hey, mom. If you don’t mind, could you read the rest of it?” And she did. But mom read that entire story out loud to all of us. And, you know, it’s a big deal for me, personally, professionally, to have that story published in that book. I was proud of that.

Absolutely. But by far by far, the most meaningful aspect of that and especially now was being able to give it to my mom and appreciate her in that way. That’s how powerful it is. Whether we do it in a big dramatic way or we do it in a simple day-to-day way, when we take the time, when we’re willing to look for and find the things we appreciate about the people around us and let them know. It’s one of the greatest gifts we can give to them, and it’s a gift for us as well.

That’s the power of appreciation. Thank you very much. Thank you.

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