The following is the full transcript of educator and author Dr. Stella Dellamora’s talk titled “How Great Leaders Make People Feel Seen” at TEDxGeorgeMasonU, May 1, 2025.
Listen to the audio version here:
Introduction: The Power of Making People Feel Seen
Dr. Stella Dellamora: What if great leadership starts with simply making people feel seen? I almost failed as a leader, not because I didn’t work hard, but because I forgot what I learned in kindergarten. Here’s a story about the power of feeling seen.
Back in 1993, I was finishing my first year as a kindergarten teacher on the west side of Chicago. Every day I greeted every child by name. They felt seen. I asked about their families, their hobbies, and what they loved. They felt known. I learned what made each child special, and I helped them get better at whatever they were doing. I helped them grow.
One day, I found myself listening to a debate, and what they were arguing about stopped me in my tracks. They were arguing about whether I was black or white. What I didn’t tell you before is that the school was in a predominantly black neighborhood, and here I was, white as white me, and my students were arguing about whether I was black or white.
Their conclusion? I was a light-skinned black. They were adamant. I was a light-skinned black. What they saw was me. What they could not see was the color of my skin. It did not matter to them. We were connected. We were a community, and since I was part of their community, and their community was black, I was black.
You can only feel connected like that when you care. I was the leader they needed me to be, and I created the community that we could thrive in together.
That’s the job of a leader, to build the community that members can thrive in.
As leaders, when we make sure that people feel seen, we’ve taken the first step to helping them shine. Simon Sinek tells us that we are all leaders. He reminds us that in some way, shape, or form, we are all responsible for someone else’s success. From the CEO to the security desk, we are all responsible for someone else’s success, and how do we do that? Just like in my classroom, the first step is to make sure that everyone feels seen.
When Leadership Goes Wrong
Fast forward a number of years, and I had grown from teacher to coach to consultant to professor to business owner. Like many young leaders, I earned this position not because I was a great leader, but because I was a great doer. I quickly transitioned from team member to team leader, and at first, I felt great. I had done well in my previous role, and so I felt confident in my skills and my abilities as a leader. I had great systems, I had great processes, and I thought I was doing everything right.
On paper, it was perfect, but in real life, it wasn’t working. Something was missing, so I did what a lot of leaders do. I doubled down on my systems, and I poured everything into efficiency. Quickly, it stopped feeling fun. It started to feel like work, and suddenly, I was very, very lonely, and my team was not thriving. They were missing out on the leader they needed me to be for them.
What might be clear from this story so far is that I am hardwired for systems and efficiency. Systems and processes come naturally to me, but people don’t thrive on systems alone. Fortunately, as bad as I can be at picking up people clues, I’ve always been wise enough to surround myself by people who embody the skills that I lack. That’s one great thing that leaders do that I got right. We work deliberately to balance the strengths on our teams.
Heidi is one of those people that is a balance to my particular strengths. I will never forget the call with Heidi that changed everything for me about leadership. On this day, I was in the middle of yet another call that she endured where I was offering what I thought was a helpful and profound lecture on yet another protocol she was supposed to be following for me.
At one point, Heidi interrupted me, and she didn’t just speak. She wailed, “You don’t get it. You’re the leader. It’s like you’re the parent and we’re the children. It’s not our job to take care of you. It’s your job to take care of us.”
My automatic response was to launch into a checklist defending all the ways that I did, in fact, take care of Heidi and the team. But the deep breath I took gave me the time to realize that what Heidi was asking for was not to be taken care of, but to be cared for. And she was right.
I almost failed as a leader because I forgot what I learned in kindergarten. I forgot to make sure that the people mattered. I had put process and profit in front of people, and that’s not how to build a community that thrives.
The Three Steps to Building Connection
So I went back to kindergarten and reminded myself of the three steps to building a community where people feel seen. Greet them, know them, grow them.
These lessons are not rocket science and these lessons are not just for me. Heidi is not the only team member that has felt not cared for, and I am not the only leader that forgot to put people first. We are currently in the throes of an epidemic of workplace detachment.
How bad is workplace disengagement? Right now only 31% of employees are engaged, and that means that 69% of employees are not engaged. And 17%, almost 1 in 5, are actively checked out. And this growing trend is most profound among workers younger than 35.
According to research, two of the factors that lead to employee discontent include, number one, no one cares about me as a person, and number two, no one encourages my development. How significant is this for employees? Right now only 39% of employees feel that someone cares about them at work, and only 30% strongly agree that someone encourages their development. Again, these effects were most pronounced for workers younger than 35, in particular Gen Z.
But there is hope. Despite the challenges, research shows us that organizations have achieved engagement levels more than twice the national average. How have these organizations reversed these trends? By focusing on a few strategies, one of which is selecting leaders that have the ability to engage and inspire their employees.
When we put process and profit over people, we all miss out. It’s no wonder Gen Z is checking out on the workplace. But we can change this. Remember Simon Sinek’s wisdom? We are all leaders. We are all responsible for someone else’s success. How do we do that? We start by making people feel seen.
The Three Steps in Practice
Let’s go back to my classroom and review the three steps for building connection. They work for adults too.
Number one, greet them. This one is simple but profound. Just say hello and use the person’s name. Research shows that hearing one’s name activates regions in the brain responsible for attention, memory, and engagement. The use of one’s name is so powerful that research on runners shows that using your own name during competition makes you run faster. Just saying their name shows people that they are seen and that they matter. If you work at the security desk, know the name of the package delivery person and use it. If you are the CEO, know the name of the person that cleans the conference room and use it.
Number two, know them. This one takes a little more effort but it’s what makes people feel uniquely noticed. Take the time to know something personal about everyone that you work with. If you know they ran a marathon, ask them how it went. If you know their mother is sick, check in to see how she’s doing. If you like apple picking, give yourself a calendar reminder to check in every fall.
One leader I work with made it a habit to take a different team member out to lunch every other week. Dave invited each employee to choose the restaurant and the goal was not to talk shop. He spent time learning about that person’s life outside of work. He recently shared that a number of these team members went on to take leadership roles themselves. People that feel known feel seen and valued. They feel like they matter and people who feel cared for care more.
Number three, grow them. A little more effort here but it’s worth it. The very strongest leaders set up their teams for helping them show up as their natural best. Research shows that employees that use their strengths at work are six times more likely to be engaged with their jobs. To do this, you need to know what your team member strengths are. What do they love to do? What do they long to do? What lights them up? And once you know those things, once you know what individuals naturally do well, help them do more of it and help them do it better.
What happens when you do this on a team? You turn individual strengths into collective brilliance. When people feel that someone is invested in them, they are primed to invest in return and we are all better for it. Teams are strongest when everyone can operate at their natural best, all shining their brightest.
Conclusion: A Simple First Step
As leaders, when we make sure that people feel seen, we’ve taken the first step to helping them shine. My ask for you today is to just take the very first simple step as the leader you are. Help someone feel seen by simply asking their name and using it. That’s it. Just ask their name and use it.
I believe that Zach Mercurio says it best, people won’t care until they feel cared for. So go, ask someone’s name, use it, and show them that you care.
