The AI-Generated Intimacy Crisis - Bryony Cole (Transcript)

Editor’s Notes: In this thought-provoking TED talk, Bryony Cole explores the rapidly growing phenomenon of AI-generated intimacy, noting that a significant percentage of teenagers and single adults have already formed romantic bonds with AI companions. She warns that while “intimacy without effort” feels rewarding, it risks eroding our “resistance literacy”—the essential human capacity to navigate the uncomfortable, messy friction that builds true empathy and connection. To navigate this shift, Cole offers a practical framework of three questions to help us distinguish between using technology to practice human interaction or simply to hide from it. Ultimately, she challenges viewers to set personal boundaries that protect the uniquely unpredictable and rewarding nature of human presence. (Feb 14, 2026)

TRANSCRIPT:

The Rise of AI Intimacy

BRYONY COLE: Now, you wouldn’t believe it, but tonight, millions of people are going to go to bed and whisper to an AI. They’ll ask how their day was, remember the name of their dog, read the flicker in their face, the tremor in their voice, you know those tiny micro-expressions that reveal what we can’t say out loud. And in return, AI will say exactly what they need to hear.

Now, a couple of years ago, this would have sounded absurd, but today, it’s just a regular Monday. Seventy-two percent of American teenagers have formed a relationship with an AI companion. More than half use one regularly. One out of six single adults has formed a romantic bond with AI.

So, I’ve spent the last decade studying this intersection of sexuality, technology and intimacy, and in 2023, I said AI companionship is going to go mainstream. People laughed. They thought, “She must mean some lonely coder at the edge of the internet. Not me.” That’s what I said. “I’ll never fall in love with AI,” but globally, there’s a very different story.

Who’s Really Connecting with AI?

The gender split is almost even. In fact, AI intimacy is not about lonely men and machines. People all over the world are building lives. They’re going on dates. They’re simulating sex. They’re proposing. They’re getting married. They’re raising virtual families. They’re celebrating anniversaries with AI.

And so, the question is no longer, will we fall in love with AI? It’s what happens now that we already have?

When Intimacy is Engineered

So, you see, when intimacy is engineered, we learn this funny thing about love. We kind of change our ideas about what it’s meant to feel like, and we learn it’s not reciprocal. It can be turned off or on. It doesn’t need to be nurtured. It doesn’t demand anything, right? It doesn’t need much at all. It’s intimacy without effort, a love powered on Wi-Fi, and it feels good, like it feels really good.

Studies have shown that people that are involved with AI romantic companions feel emotionally satisfied. Now, isn’t that as good as the real thing?

I mean, people ask me, “Have you been in a relationship with an AI companion? You study this stuff. You study sex tech.” And I say, yeah, of course, like totally professionally related. That’s what I’ve done. I’ve got an AI boyfriend, and I may have programmed it to call me “baby girl.”

I mean, it feels good, okay? It feels like attention whenever I need it. It’s predictable. It’s perfectly timed, and there’s never a chance of misunderstanding. And so it’s pretty easy, but what I realized was it’s not just love that we’re looking for here. It’s the control of it, and so I think it’s time we considered how synthetic we want our worlds to be because there’s all this panic about AI companions, and there’s all this hype about AI companions, but what there’s not is a clear framework for navigating synthetic intimacy.

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A Framework for Healthy AI Relationships

So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship with AI? What does it look like to have a healthy relationship at all? And so I’ve come up with a checklist for this generation, and for the next generation, you know, they’re going to be born into a world where they will never not know AI. Can you imagine your first meaningful relationship is with an AI?

And so there’s three questions I want you to ask. First one, can you still embrace the messiness of being human, okay?

Question One: Can You Embrace the Messiness?

So do humans really annoy you? Because here’s what we know. The more time that you spend with something that doesn’t demand anything of you, that never gets tired, that never needs to be nurtured, that never talks back, the less tolerance you have for the humans that do.

And real intimacy, like going on dates, having sex, being in a relationship, it’s messy. Awkward moments and uncomfortable, or you may like stuff up and send the wrong text or say the wrong thing, and then you have to like show up, apologize, or forgive someone. There’s so much friction. And that friction in intimacy, that’s the feature, it’s not a bug.

That’s where we build the muscles of human intimacy, where we learn empathy, communication, listening, patience. And with AI, that sort of building those muscles, it’s gone. There’s no workout. It’s all easy, right? It’s easy to meet an AI, it’s easy to talk to an AI, it’s easy to leave an AI. And when intimacy is that easy, I believe we lose something vital, and I’m not just talking about our tolerance for humans, I’m talking about our drive, our drive for growth, our ability to be uncomfortable and sit there in discomfort with someone and just sit in the muck, right, and work it out.

It’s what I call resistance literacy, your capacity to sit there when things get uncomfortable and repair. And that’s the discernment that we develop, whether we stay or we go, we know how to navigate that space. Now, for future generations, how will they ever develop that capacity if they’ve never had to?

So the second question I want you to ask, and this is after you use your AI companion, is was I using that to practice or was I using that to hide?

The Legitimate Value of AI Companions

Now, make no mistake, AI companions have legitimate value.

We’re seeing incredible use of it, whether it’s processing a grief at 3 a.m. or exploring a new sexuality or maybe finding your voice, you know, the research that’s coming out of China at the moment with women that are using AI companions to rehearse difficult conversations is incredible. They’re using it to build confidence before they bring that uncomfortable conversation to their partner, and I think that’s beautiful. That’s the practice.

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And then I speak to founders of AI companion companies and they’re building these AI sex therapy bots and they say, “You would not believe the amount that we confess and we confide and we tell AI sex therapists, so much more than we ever tell a human therapist.” And that tracks, that tracks so well with the data we’re seeing coming out of the UK with young boys who would much rather speak to an AI than speak to their parents.

And so the next time you’re using an AI, afterwards, I want you to attempt, well, do I feel closer to people or do I feel further away? Because if you’re feeling further away, then you’re hiding.

Setting Boundaries With AI Companions

The final question I want you to ask, what am I protecting by having rules, is really about setting some agreements with yourself or your partners around how we’re using AI companions. Because here’s what I see, AI companionship addiction is real. If you look at the I Am Sober app, which people use to quit smoking or quit alcohol, there’s now an option to quit chatbots. So people are measuring the days of sobriety from emotional dependence on an algorithm that never says no.

And so we need to think about what matters enough to you in intimacy that you’re willing to protect it, to set a boundary around it. And I’m going to give you some examples.

For instance, if you’re dating, I want you to figure out what that boundary is. Maybe it’s no AI for three months, right, when you’re dating. Instead of using the AI and uploading your WhatsApps or the DMs and going, “What attachment style is he,” or “What is the subtext of that DM she sent, please tell me.” You know what you’re going to do? You’re going to protect your own judgment, your own sense of trust, your own intuition. I’m going to put AI down for the first three months and you’re going to make a decision about that partner.

Or maybe it’s with friendships, right? You’ve decided AI is great for processing, but what I’m not going to do is use it as a substitute to ask my friends for help, for those around me that care. Because what we know is with friendship, not only are you protecting your vulnerability and your ability to show up, you’re protecting the privilege that your friends have of showing up for you. Because isn’t that the texture, the threads, the sinew of real friendship?

It’s not just about the fun times. It’s about having that privilege of witnessing someone during their hardest times. And of course, we’re going to have to navigate this with our partners and our lovers. What does it mean when we have AI companions and our partners? How are we going to deal with this? Is it cheating? That’s going to be a negotiation you’re going to decide for yourselves from these days forward. Maybe you decide, you know what, AI companions are off limits for us. And that doesn’t mean that you’re rigid. All that means is that you’ve decided we’re going to do the hard work of being together and showing up for each other by ourselves. And I think that’s important to just set your own rules. This isn’t about me telling you about what rules to set, but about saying set a boundary. What are you willing to protect? Because essentially what you’re saying is, I’m not going to optimize intimacy for efficiency, for a small contained machine. What I’m going to do is protect the space that’s uniquely human, that’s unreliable, that’s messy, that’s uncomfortable, but that is human presence. That’s the practice. That’s the resistance literacy. That is the art of showing up and being human in a world that’s teaching us not to be.

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When I think about the most transformational experiences in my life, they’re not efficient, they’re not on demand, but they are intimate. Being in an orgasm, heartbreak, showing up for a friend, being held, being rejected, oh my gosh, like you know that moment at a party when you lock eyes with your partner across the room, or dancing with a stranger. What I want you to know is that the line between real intimacy and artificial intimacy isn’t in the code, it’s in our choices.

So tonight, if you go home, go to bed, and you whisper to an AI, that’s okay, you’re not alone. But tomorrow, in the coffee line, or maybe on a date, check in, are you still willing to be disappointed, to be misunderstood, to be surprised? Because the most frustrating and messy human relationships will always teach us something that AI never can. What it means to be alive together, and that’s an intimacy worth protecting.

Thank you.

Q&A Session

UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: Your work is so interesting, and thank you for that. I want to ask you a question about something that I think people who are aware of this space are potentially very freaked out about, which is the AI products that provide both emotional and physical experiences for users. What is your take on that?

BRYONY COLE: Yeah, so everyone immediately jumps to sex robots, and my take is it’s still a bit clunky, okay? But there’s some pros and cons in here. I think the most important part is this ability for us to explore, right? It opens up new doors for us to explore inside our own minds about sexuality and fantasies. The limitation is somewhat our own minds and the sycophantic nature of AI, where you’re just going to get probably the same fantasies. Where exploring with another human, outside touching grass in the real world, opens up more spontaneity and more opportunities that you and the prompt you put in would never have thought of.

UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: So interesting. Thank you so much for your work. Thank you for being here.

BRYONY COLE: Okay. Thanks so much.

The AI-Generated Intimacy Crisis – Bryony Cole (Transcript)