A Conversation with Conan O’Brien at Talks At Google (Full Transcript)

Full Text of A Conversation with Conan O’Brien at Talks At Google. This event took place at Google’s Mountain View, CA headquarters on May 5, 2010.

Listen to the MP3 Audio here: MP3 – A Conversation with Conan O’Brien @ Talks At Google

TRANSCRIPT: 

Conan O’Brien: Thank you. Thank you. And please stop doing that. What is your name, sir? Stephen.

Stephen, thank you for playing music usually reserved for a fireman’s funeral. That’s creating a really nice atmosphere for me right now.

How are you all doing, everybody? How are you, Google?

[Cheers and applause]

Vic Gundotra: Conan?

Conan O’Brien: Who the hell are you?

Welcome to Google.

Vic Gundotra: Welcome to Google. It’s absolutely great to have you here.

Conan O’Brien: It’s very nice that you could be here. It’s exciting.

Vic Gundotra: Thank you, thank you.

Conan O’Brien: People are so thrilled to see you.

Vic Gundotra: I noticed that.

Conan O’Brien: What a rare honor for them to see you in the flesh.

Vic Gundotra: Yes, on behalf of all the Googlers, let me –

Conan O’Brien: You call yourselves Googlers.

Vic Gundotra: We do. Aren’t we Googlers? Googlers, yeah.

Conan O’Brien: Let’s start there. We can do better than “Googler,” okay? Something cooler, especially for the guys when they’re walking into a bar, you hear what I’m saying. I’m a Goo-gler. You don’t want to say that to a — like, I’m a “G” man or something. You’ve got to get something else going, because “Goo-gler”!

Vic Gundotra: Welcome.

Conan O’Brien: We’re pretty much done here, aren’t we?

Vic Gundotra: We are done.

Conan O’Brien: You seem stunned. And I am happy.

Vic Gundotra: Yes.

Conan O’Brien: But you invited me, and that’s your problem.

Vic Gundotra: I did.

So you were at Twitter last week.

Conan O’Brien: No. It was a couple of weeks ago. Look it up online. Ha-ha.

Vic Gundotra: This is harder than it looks.

Conan O’Brien: Yes. I love this format. What is this format we’re doing here? This is nice.

Vic Gundotra: It’s kind of like a slow dance. Exactly. Like a slow dance.

Conan O’Brien: Circling me.

Vic Gundotra: It’s like a waltz. Let’s see —

Conan O’Brien: I’m a Goo-gler.

Vic Gundotra: “G” man.

Conan O’Brien: “G” man, yes. So what were you asking me? You asked me about Twitter. Yes, I went by Twitter. Does that bother you guys? Are you guys mad at Twitter or something? I don’t know what the rivalries are here. You have to explain it to me.

Vic Gundotra: It wasn’t a rivalry. A lot of us were wondering the intentions, Intel, Twitter, Googler. Coco, level with me, are you looking for a job in the Silicon Valley. Is that what you’re doing?

Conan O’Brien: Yes, I’m looking for free stuff.

Vic Gundotra: Free stuff. You’ve come to the right place. You’ve come to the right place. Why don’t you have a seat.

Conan O’Brien: Yes, let’s sit in this fake airport lounge that we’ve created.

Vic Gundotra: Yes.

Conan O’Brien: My flight was supposed to board 20 minutes ago. Is this complimentary?

Vic Gundotra: It is.

Conan O’Brien: Then this trip was worth it. So I’m sure you have many questions for me.

Vic Gundotra: I do. But don’t mind me. If you feel like dancing, go right for it.

Conan O’Brien: Whatever you like.

Vic Gundotra: So we have a thing inside Google called a Dory. It basically allows — a Dory, an internal name: You don’t need to know what it is. It allows –