Here is the full transcript of criminal defence lawyer Jahan Kalantar’s talk titled “A Perfect Apology In Three Steps” at TEDxSydney conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Art of Apology
You would think that saying sorry would get easier the older we become. As children, we lack the words to describe how we feel inside. But it doesn’t. In fact, as adults, we now have two problems. One, we never learn to say sorry properly. And two, we’re anxious about doing so. And that’s completely understandable. We live in a very complex world, and we all yearn for simplicity.
Basically, we favor emojis over emotions. But sometimes, you can’t afford to not show how sorry you are. Sometimes, everything is on the line. I’m a criminal defense lawyer. I stand beside people on one of the hardest days of their life. I’m their ally, I’m their friend, I’m their advocate. But I’m also their guilt, I’m their blame, I’m their shame. I am with them when they are the most vulnerable they will ever be.
And trust me, being vulnerable is terrifying. But through vulnerability, we can access our authentic voice. And when we do so, magic happens. In the abstract, I’m talking about clearer vision, less miscommunication, better outcomes. But in the practical, in my world, I’m talking about the difference between going to jail and going home, the difference between seeing your children twice a year or twice a week, and those disputes that can be resolved and those that will last a lifetime.
Learning from Authenticity
You see, people are more than happy to sacrifice their voice to mine because my voice has had the benefit of formal training and experience. But I’m here to tell you that that’s a mistake. Nobody, not the court, not my mum, wants an apology from Jahan Kalantar.
They want to hear your apology with all of its flaws and imperfections. So, the best apology that I’ve ever heard was from a 20-year-old shopfitter named Sam who didn’t finish formal education.
When Sam came into my practice, you could tell that he was a good kid in a lot of trouble. He understood what he did wrong, but explaining it, it was like pulling teeth. So, what we asked him to do is write a letter of apology. This is a wonderful piece of evidence that the court considers when sentencing you. It lets them know the kind of person you are and that you understand that you’ve done the wrong thing.
On the day of sentencing, Sam arrives. He hands me the letter, it’s barely a paragraph long, and I’ll read it to you as it sounded in my head all those years ago: “You’re majestic. Forgive my nefarious consternation.” It’s okay if it doesn’t make sense. I’ve read a lot of apologies, it’s gobbledygook. But I remember looking at Sam and I said, “Sam, what is this? What have you written?” And I felt bad because your lawyer does have favorites, but he explained it to me.
He said, “Jahan, I don’t like English very much. I got bullied at school. I was called stupid and that’s why I dropped out, but I wanted the judge to know how sorry I was. So, what I did was I got a dictionary and a thesaurus. I found the word that I felt, like sad, and then I found the fancy version. It took me eight hours to write that letter, but I wanted the judge to know I was sorry.” That is authenticity. That is vulnerability that you cannot fake.
A Framework for Apology and Gratitude
Any young man who spends eight hours doing something he hates because he wants to show how sorry he is gets it. And it’s different from the sea of “I’m sorry you feel that way” that seems to be flying around and counting for an apology. So, what goes into a good apology? There’s a framework you can always use. It goes why, because, and. Always start with why you’re sorry: “Sorry I couldn’t make it to your TEDx talk, Jahan.”
Move to the because: “Because I know you worked very hard on it,” and finish with an and: “And if you ever give another TEDx talk, I’ll be there.” Good apology. Very misconceived, but a good apology. But this framework can help us whenever we need it. Let’s look at the other side. Let’s talk about gratitude.
Overcoming Challenges with Compassion
I was acting for a young man once. He was polite and respectful, and very different to how the police fact sheet seemed to describe him. On the night in question, this young man, while studying for his final high school examinations, had a breakdown. He grabbed a knife and attacked his family. He drank laundry detergent. He destroyed property, and ultimately made some very serious threats.
When I met him, you could tell that this young man did not need a lecture. He needed help, and sometimes being a lawyer means helping outside of the courtroom as well. So, it took a great deal of advocacy, but we managed to convince this young man and his family, who had very strong views about mental health, to seek help. And he rose to the challenge.
He got the help he needed. He involved his school. He involved his friends. And finally, when it came time for sentencing, the judge, who read all of the evidence, including a beautifully written letter from this young man, which described the pain inside like a hurricane he didn’t know he could control, passed sentence. He thanked this young man: “Thank you, young man. By taking control of your mental health issues, I know you’ve given yourself the best chance to get ahead, and I know you’ll do great things.” And the court was right.
Embracing Authenticity
That young man has gone on to do great things. And the reason I believe is because the court took a chance and was vulnerable with him, in plain English, without any legalese. So, what’s the lesson that’s learned in a lifetime of helping people in moments of chaos? Well, when you say sorry, mean it. Look people in the eye. Use the framework. Don’t be afraid to say sorry, because you’re too busy looking for the perfect words.
And when you say thank you, mean it. Look people in the eyes. Don’t be afraid to say kind words, because life is very hard, and people don’t hear kind words nearly often enough. And the next time you make a mistake, or you need to thank someone for something, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and authentic, because the power of any message is how honest a place it starts its journey, not how many times it gets censored by a lawyer.
And so, I want to thank all of you today for giving me the opportunity to speak to you, because I’ve been allowed to share something that means a great deal to me. And I promise that if you ever use my framework, it will help you, even in your very own TEDx talk. Why? Because, and. Thank you.