How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? – Fiona Douglas (Transcript)

In the UK, it’s one or two children every week.

Child abuse and neglect is not an evil that can’t be prevented. It’s a form of unsafe and uneducated parenting. In China, the leading cause of death among young people is suicide. Children don’t just kill themselves because of biochemical imbalance. More often, it’s because they feel unloved, unwanted, or unworthy of a place in this world.

For too long, parenting skills have been taken for granted and parenting education has not been properly established. It’s time to invest in widespread parenting education to prevent trauma and save children’s lives. Over the past 10 years, I’ve worked with hundreds of children who have been abused, neglected, and traumatized. I started by volunteering as a counsellor for a national children’s telephone helpline in the UK.

And hearing the cries and screams of children suffering down the phone was more than enough to propel me into making this my career. So I waved goodbye to dreams of working in a glassy office building as an undefined business executive and went back to university to undertake a master’s in social work. This qualification led to me working for local government, which meant it was often my duty to take children away from their parents for their safety and put them into the care of approved strangers or children’s homes.

But for the past three years, I’ve been continuing my social work practice in Shanghai as the director of a child and family therapy service. Here, I don’t have the power to take children away from their parents like I did in the UK. But I do have the opportunity to lead a team of child specialists who work with families to improve parenting skills.

Working in China has given me much greater insight into the flaws that exist in the UK’s system of child protection. And one of the most major issues is that parenting education services are in very short supply. They’re reserved for those who most need them. But it’s not easy to figure out who is most in need of this support. I believe that it needs to be offered to everyone if we care about keeping every child safe in the UK, in China, and all around the world. Here’s why.

So let’s start by taking a look at just some of the ways in which parents mess up their children. You know, in reality, parenting deficits are as complex and varied as humans are. Your parents had their own unique set of deficits, and now you do too. And that makes spotting the harmful deficits pretty tricky, especially in today’s world, in which we’ve become exceptionally skilled at projecting a perfectly filtered image of our lives on WeChat, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, so many social media platforms.

Because what these projections don’t show is the truth, like the fact that we struggle to pay attention to anything other than smart devices. This is Kyra at seven years old. And the truth behind this photo is that Kyra didn’t make it to her eighth birthday because she died of malnutrition. Some of you might presume that Kyra is from a developing country where children starving to death is a common occurrence.

In fact, Kyra was born and raised in the UK, one of the wealthiest countries in the world. You might now be thinking that Kyra must have been from a family with little to no money, unable to put food on the table. This was not the case. Kyra lived in a household with enough money, and when she died, there was a bowl of fruit on the table and cupboards full of food in the kitchen.

In fact, the only thing standing in the way of her survival was her parent, her mum, who was overweight and unhappy about it. Kyra’s mum was on a diet, and she enforced those food restrictions on her daughter, purposefully using this as a cruel form of discipline with fatal consequences. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You know, I’ve worked with many families in very similar situations, and through intensive parenting training, my colleagues and I have successfully helped them to change their eating and discipline habits.

As parents, any of our inner struggles with food, anger, stress, perfectionism, can hurt our children, and further education about our child’s needs can help us prioritize them. But I am worried that we’re becoming so addicted to smart devices that we’re becoming more and more blind to our own inner struggles and the inner struggles of our loved ones, too.

As parents, for example, it’s very easy to become blind to the impact of the pressure, the fear of failure, that our children feel. A few months ago, I was reading a news article about an 18-year-old boy called Shaofan from Zhongsu province. He’d recently taken the Gaokao exam. Both of his parents had good jobs, which required them to stay in Beijing. So they frantically called him on results day, desperate to know his score. So he told them. He scored 470, a brilliant score that would secure him a place atop university.

His parents were so happy, and at the end of the summer, they came home to see him and celebrate. But those celebrations never happened, because Shaofan killed himself. The truth was, he only scored 170. He had lived with the shame and guilt of his failure all summer, and he couldn’t face the consequences of his parents finding out the truth. His parents put pressure on him because they wanted him to have the best life, and the result was no life at all. They loved him, but did they ever tune in to the depth of his fears and the weight of the pressure he was putting on himself? Did they even realise, before it was too late, that their consistent expressions of love, warmth and support mattered more than anything?

In the UK, because many parents are blind to their own deficits, we’ve created professional roles like mine, focused on spotting those deficits for them, ideally, before it’s too late. This is baby Peter from London. He was just 17 months old when he was killed by his mum’s boyfriend, after suffering eight months of beatings while his mum stood by. This all happened despite Peter being on an official local government child protection plan and being seen by professionals 60 times within that time period.

The trained professionals only saw his mum being good to him, and they believed her lies. The truth is that our parenting is always a reflection of our best self and our worst self. In some ways, Peter’s mum was a good parent, but she hid her harmful deficits from the world. You know, I’ve worked with so many parents like her, and every time, no matter how criminal or horrendous their actions have been, I’ve seen their love and heartbreak.

There’s such little expression of it. So in summary, we know three things, and they are, number one, it’s very hard to distinguish between abusive and non-abusive parents. As a social worker myself, I can testify that it’s impossible to know which parents are being honest and which aren’t. And I’ve found that I cannot reliably predict which parents will go on to harm their children tomorrow and which won’t.

Many parents are blind to their own deficits, and no professional can ever really know what’s going on behind closed doors, because we only see what you see, a filtered image.

Number two, systematically removing children from every parent there is ever a suspicion or concern about would constitute a violation of human rights and is not a solution. We already have over 70,000 children currently living in government care in the UK, and most of them are not having a good time. And number three, parents of people with the potential to learn new skills.

No one imagines being a parent who will hurt or hate their child, but it happens. And if being a parent is one of the toughest and riskiest roles that we can take on in society, then why don’t we receive any education or training about how to do the job well? The current lack of parenting education leads to unsafe parenting. So who thinks it’s time for parents to go back to school?

Research shows that for children of any age, parenting that is warm, sensitive and supportive provides the greatest chance of a child developing strong academic abilities, good social skills and emotional resilience. It’s the quality of the relationship between the parent and child that matters. So parents need to be educated about how to discipline and communicate with their child without fracturing that relationship.

This means that as a parent, you can give yourself permission to express so much more love and praise than disappointment. And there are strategies you can learn that will help you to discipline out of love and logic rather than anger and frustration. For government agencies, this is a call to research and implement systems of parenting education. The World Health Organization says that parent guidance programs are proven to reduce violence and significantly improve parenting skills, leading to less behavioral problems in the child and better mental health for their parents.

Who likes the sound of that? Through investing in the development of everyone’s parenting skills, more children will survive and thrive and less children will go on to become unstable adults addicted to violence, drugs and alcohol. China already has a progressive new family violence law in place and its success depends on a system of parenting education. And when you think about it, isn’t it reasonable to ask for at least the same level of systematic teaching and measuring of competence for parents as there is for drivers on the road?

For businesses, service providers and NGOs in this sector, I recommend for you to provide parent training programs. There is a need and a demand, just like there is for birthing classes and yoga with goats. Parenting skills need to be modeled, learned and developed over time with support, feedback and guidance. And I see and hear firsthand every day parents in China seeking information and training about how to be a better parent and struggling to find a class.

Whether you’re a parent or not, you’re someone’s child. So I challenge you today to take a step outside of your comfort zone, and express more love or praise than you’ve ever done before to your child, your parent or grandparent, your partner or yourself. Whoever you target will have an inner child who needs this, just like my Nana. And it’s never too late to start leading a more fulfilling family life.

A safe and secure childhood starts with educated parenting. This is a call to action to take collective responsibility for providing the education and resources needed for every parent and child to have the best possible chance at family life. Thank you.

SUMMARY OF THIS TALK:

Fiona Douglas’ talk titled “How Did Your Parents Mess You Up?” highlights the profound impact of parenting on children’s lives and advocates for widespread parenting education to prevent trauma and save children’s lives. Here are the key points from her talk:

1. Childhood Scars: Douglas begins by acknowledging that every child is at risk of suffering due to imperfect parenting. She emphasizes the long-lasting impact of childhood experiences, both positive and negative, on an individual’s life.
2. Child Abuse and Neglect: Douglas points out the alarming statistics related to child abuse and neglect, especially in the US and the UK. She argues that child abuse is often a result of unsafe and uneducated parenting.
3. Parenting Education: The speaker calls for increased investment in parenting education to prevent trauma and protect children. She discusses her background as a social worker and therapist, highlighting the importance of her work with abused and neglected children.
4. Parenting Flaws: Douglas emphasizes that parenting deficits are complex and varied, making it challenging to identify harmful behaviors. She suggests that modern society’s focus on projecting a perfect image on social media can obscure these issues.
5. Case Study: Kyra: The speaker shares the tragic story of Kyra, a child from the UK who died of malnutrition due to her mother’s cruel form of discipline. Douglas stresses that intensive parenting training can help families in similar situations.
6. Impact of Technology: Douglas expresses concern that the growing addiction to smart devices may cause parents to become blind to their own struggles and the needs of their children. She highlights the importance of recognizing children’s fears and pressures.
7. Case Study: Shaofan: The speaker tells the story of Shaofan, a teenager from China who committed suicide due to the pressure to excel academically. She questions whether his parents truly understood the depth of his fears and the weight of their expectations.
8. Blind Spots in Child Protection: Douglas argues that it is challenging to distinguish between abusive and non-abusive parents, even for professionals. She highlights that parenting is a reflection of one’s best and worst self, making it difficult to predict harmful behaviors.
9. Parenting Education Benefits: The speaker emphasizes that parenting education can help parents develop warm, sensitive, and supportive relationships with their children. This quality of the parent-child relationship is crucial for a child’s academic, social, and emotional development.
10. Call to Action: Douglas urges governments to research and implement parenting education programs, citing the World Health Organization’s endorsement of such programs. She believes that investing in parenting skills will lead to fewer unstable adults prone to violence and addiction.
11. Responsibility of Businesses and NGOs: Douglas encourages businesses, service providers, and non-governmental organizations to offer parenting training programs in response to the demand for such resources.
12. Expressing Love and Praise: In her closing remarks, the speaker challenges the audience to step outside their comfort zones and express more love and praise to their loved ones. She believes that this can have a positive impact on individuals’ inner child and family dynamics.
13. Safe and Secure Childhood: Douglas concludes by emphasizing that a safe and secure childhood begins with educated parenting. She calls for collective responsibility in providing education and resources to improve family life.

In summary, Fiona Douglas’ talk emphasizes the need for comprehensive parenting education to address the complex issues of child abuse and neglect, the impact of modern technology, and the challenges in identifying parenting deficits. She advocates for a society that prioritizes the well-being of children by investing in parenting skills and support.

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