Read here the full transcript of Professor Alex Carter’s talk titled “How To Ask For More—And Get It” at TEDxReno 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Kayak Lesson: A New Perspective on Negotiation
The most important things I know about negotiation I learned in a kayak on my honeymoon. Picture this: I arrive in Hawaii, and I look adoringly at my brand new husband as we get in a two-person kayak together for a river tour. Then, things go wrong. Fast.
You see, in a two-person kayak, the passenger in the back, usually the larger passenger, is supposed to drive using their paddles. Well, I didn’t like how he was driving. So I decided to drive my own way. And exactly at the moment I thought I had taken over, we flipped over. Three separate times. Apparently, we set a record.
So I get back in the kayak, now dripping wet, when our guide up ahead turns back and says, “OK, folks, let’s negotiate these things to the left, because you’re going to hit that beach up ahead.”
Negotiate the kayak. In that moment, I realized that although I had been teaching negotiation for a few years already, I had missed something important. And I was not alone. A lot of us have misconceptions about negotiation.
Common Misconceptions About Negotiation
We’re taught that it’s a battle over money, that it involves losing. So we either fear it or we avoid it altogether. In fact, 54% of us didn’t negotiate our last salary. That’s from research, by the way. I’m not actually seeing into your souls.
The fact is that before that guide, I had never heard anyone use the word “negotiate” that way before. I, too, had absorbed this message that it was a contest of wills. You know, like five minutes earlier when I dunked us in the river.
But there’s another way to think about it, isn’t there? When I negotiate my kayak toward a beach, what am I doing? I’m steering. Today, I want to share five lessons about negotiation that just might change your life.
Lesson 1: Negotiation is Simply Steering
The first lesson is this: Negotiation is simply steering. It is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship. And it’s so much more than the money conversations.
You know, just like a kayak, where we want to steer consistently to get to our goal, we can be steering our relationships almost every minute of the day. When I got back from that honeymoon, I looked around and I saw opportunities to negotiate everywhere. I could be getting to know my bosses better so that I understood what they prioritized most. I could be calling my clients regularly and asking them what was new in their businesses.
And I realized something powerful. If we intentionally focus on the everyday steering, what happens when we do get to the money conversations? We are more likely to be successful.
Lesson 2: Curious People Make More Money
There’s one negotiation technique that most of us are not using. Years ago, a professor set people up to negotiate as part of a study. Only 7% of those people achieved the optimal outcome.
What did they do? Well, they didn’t lead with their points. They asked questions first. Bottom line, in negotiation, you get more by asking questions than you do by arguing.
But not just any questions. That 7%, they asked open questions. Questions that uncovered the other person’s needs, concerns, and goals. And most of us aren’t great at that.
When I teach people about asking questions, I say, “OK, I’ve just taken a trip. What can you ask me to get some good information?” Top two questions they asked, I bet you could guess. Number one, “Where did you go?” Reno. “Did you have a good time?” Yeah. Two closed questions, two one-word answers.
So, what’s the best question? Well, it’s a little bit of a trick, because technically, the best question of all doesn’t end with a question mark. It’s, “Tell me all about your vacation.” “Tell me” is the biggest question you can ask, and it is the most powerful first question in any negotiation, at work or at home.
With the hiring manager, “Tell me how the company sees the salary range for this position.” With your teenager, “Tell me what’s making you ask for a $50 a week allowance.” “Tell me” gets you the most information, but it also builds trust, so it creates the best deals.
Lesson 3: The Negotiation Starts Before the Negotiation Starts
Most people don’t know that every negotiation actually comes in two parts. The second part, we all know about. That’s where we’re sitting down with someone else. But that first part, that’s what I call the mirror.
Because we have to negotiate with ourselves first, before we negotiate with anyone else. And it’s the most critical part of the negotiation, too. Because if we don’t get this right, the negotiation stops there. We don’t ask. We get confused about our priorities. We shut ourselves down before we give anybody else the chance.
If you want to master the mirror, try asking yourself, “How have I handled something like this successfully before?” Did you know that research shows, if we think about a time and write it down, that we achieved great results before we go in to negotiate, we are more likely to negotiate well?
Why? Because we remind ourselves of who we are at our most powerful. And we also gather data on strategies that are likely to work for us.
I once counseled someone named May, who was struggling to ask for a raise. You know, in May’s family, they were taught that you should wait until something was offered to you. So I asked May about the last time she successfully advocated for herself. And she told me she actually felt really confident negotiating for the job in the first place. She really believed in the company’s mission, and she felt confident she could contribute.
You know, as May wrote this down, I saw her face change and her confidence grow.