Read the full transcript of Internationally renowned speaker Kwame Osei’s talk titled “How To Help Boys Talk About Their Emotions” at TEDxMcMasterU 2025 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence
“Anything that is human is mentionable. And anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” – Fred Rogers
In my first year at St. Francis Xavier University, I remember a time where I was walking on a street and there was a lady walking towards me. And this lady did two things that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. First off, she was staring at me. And secondly, she smiled and asked me how I was doing. You see, growing up where I grew up, if somebody is looking at you, let alone smiling at you, that’s an indication that they’re up to something and you need to have your guard up.
Now, obviously, this lady had good intentions and she was harmless, but I couldn’t quite shake off the feeling of wondering why her simple act of kindness made me feel so weird and awkward.
Therapy and Self-Discovery
Over a year ago, I went through one of the toughest challenges of my life. And during that period of time, I decided to start doing therapy so that I could get a greater understanding of myself and hopefully help me learn to move forward. Now, during one of my sessions, my therapist said to me, “Kwame, when you were younger and you were going through a hard time, when you were younger and you were going through something emotional, who did you have to speak to about it?”
The moment he asked me that question, I felt paralyzed as I tried to analyze all my relationships at that young age. And the first person I thought of was my father. Then I remembered that when I was younger, I never really talked to my father like that. Then I thought about my mother, the person who I spent most of my developmental years with, the person who I traveled with from Ghana to Canada to meet my father, and the person whose name I was just about to say. But then I thought about our conversations when I was younger, and I realized that they were more one-sided. You see, they were more about her advising me about life, more about her teaching me right from wrong, more about her helping me become a good person. But they were never really about me telling her about my inner world.
And then there were my friends, my good old friends. You know, we had some great times, we had some great times, and we had some not-so-good times. But I tried to remember a time where I had conversations with my friends where we talked about what was going on in our personal lives. And the more I tried to recollect these moments, the more I realized that they actually never, actually ever happened. You see, the time with my friends was usually spent talking about sports, music, and girls.
Repressed Emotions
And at that very moment, I realized that when I was younger, I actually had nobody to confide in. And then I thought about myself at a young age, and when I was going through something, when I was struggling, what did I do? I started imagining myself. And I saw a younger Kwame, struggling with his emotions. I saw a younger Kwame being hurt. I saw a younger Kwame being angry. And I saw a younger Kwame walking into his room, closing the door, and picking up a little basketball and shooting it in a net made out of a hanger with a plastic bag with the bottom cut open. I saw myself playing video games just so I could distract myself from feeling anything. I saw myself listening to music that actually made me even more angry.
And at that very moment, I became overwhelmed with emotions. At that very moment, I started tearing up. At that very moment, I felt every single emotion that I had repressed for years.
Growing Up Emotionally Disconnected
You see, for me to be standing here talking to you about crying shows a lot of growth. Because I grew up in an environment where if you talked about emotions, if you showed emotions, it was a sign of weakness. Literally, from a young age, I was raised to be a fighter. From the age of six, I had to fist fight my peers to show my toughness. If I felt any pain, if I showed any pain, that’s considered soft. I’ve never really seen adults or people around me model any type of behaviors that show that it was OK to talk about your emotions. So what happened was that they created a young boy who was totally disconnected from feeling anything and did not have the ability to communicate what he was even feeling.
When I think about my life growing up in the environment I grew up in, I realized that I was literally being raised to be a robot, missing out on the essence of what it is to be human. You see, humans are complex biological beings with emotions and consciousness. And we’re all born with emotions. We’re complex biological beings with emotions and consciousness, while robots are artificial entities designed to perform specific functions without emotions and consciousness. And for many years, I was actually performing so many functions, but without emotion.
The Impact of Trauma
And on top of that, I grew up in a traumatic environment. I’ve seen a lot of things, did a lot of things that no child should ever experience. And the thing about trauma is it can have a negative effect on a person physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It can negatively impact their ability to sustain relationships.
I want you to think about growing up in a low-income environment and the things you’d see. Addiction, self-harming behaviors, chronic illness, anxiety, depression, reactive aggression. This is all trauma. And what happens is that it creates young boys who think they become men. Boys like me who don’t have good grades, boys like me who don’t have good communication skills, boys who have repressed so much emotions for so long that it comes out in violent situations that get them in trouble, boys who don’t value women and only see them as objects because of what media has told them and their so-called role models have taught them, boys who see their only value is in within how many women they could juggle at one time or who they can run game on, boys who go from relationship to relationship without ever actually being in a relationship. And then eventually, they want to settle down and get married, and then realize they actually don’t know how to be with anybody. And what’s worse is that they pass it on to their sons.
Gottman Institute says that 35% of men are emotionally intelligent, meaning 65% of men actually don’t know how to be a good partner. 65% of men are not emotionally intelligent. The majority of men are not emotionally intelligent. So if we’re going to help change the world, then we have to start by teaching our young boys to be emotionally intelligent.
In a study on mental health for black men, Davis Brantford says that in order to be emotionally intelligent, you need to possess five qualities: self-awareness, self-regulation, internal motivation, empathy, and social skills. Let’s go through them:
Self-awareness: The ability to recognize and understand personal moods and emotions and drives as well as their effect on others. So an example of this is self-confidence and realistic self-assessment.
Self-regulation: The ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the propensity to suspend judgment and to think before acting. So trustworthiness and integrity.
Internal motivation: A passion to work for internal reasons that go beyond money and status, which are external rewards. So having an inner vision, having a purpose, having passion, wanting to create change, that’s internal motivation.
Empathy: The ability to understand the emotional makeup of others, a skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions. So having an expertise in building and retaining relationships.
Social skills: Proficiency in managing relationships and building networks and an ability to find common ground and build rapport. So an example of this is being able to lead in change and building teams.
Personal Experiences and Growth
When I was younger, I struggled to have a relationship with my father. Because my father wasn’t really around in my developmental years. You see, when I was born, my father left shortly after to move to Canada to provide opportunity for our family. So when I actually met my father when I moved to Canada, I quickly realized that he wasn’t like the fathers I saw on TV or the fathers of my white friends. Because he never hugged me, never told me he loved me, and never attended my sporting events. And I often felt like I was robbed of this experience. And I grew a resentment towards him. And I was jealous of my white friends whose fathers told them they loved them, hugged them, and were at the games.
So when my son was born, I told myself that I was going to give him everything I never had. I was going to shower him with love. I was going to speak confidence in him. I was going to teach him about the importance of positive self-talk. And for so many years, I felt like I was father of the year. I was doing great things. You see, when my son would fall as a toddler, I would smile at him and I would say, “You’re good, buddy.” Teaching him that it’s okay to fall, but you can always get back up. And I felt like I was doing great. I was doing a great job.
Until one day, one day, his mother says to me, “Why don’t you ask him if he’s okay instead of telling him he’s okay, so he has an option?” I heard her, but I wasn’t listening. You see, I felt like I’m teaching him mental toughness. I’ve got this. I’m preparing him for life, and I don’t want my son to be soft.
So then one day, my son falls, and I say, “You’re good, buddy. You’re good, Kion.” That’s his name. And he says to me, “I’m good.” But I look at his face, and I see his eyes, and I see the pain in his face. I see that he’s actually hurt. I see the tears forming. And I notice that he’s only saying he’s okay because he thinks that’s what he has to say. And then right then and there, I realized that in all my efforts to shower him with love, in all my efforts to speak confidence in him, in all my efforts to be father of the year, I missed out on an important aspect, to teach him that it’s okay to embrace your feelings. It’s okay to analyze your feelings. It’s okay to feel something. And for him to feel comfortable enough to communicate that with me.
And I realized that no matter what, like, I never would have even known to have taught him that. Because I never experienced that. So the whole notion was foreign to me. And from that moment forward, I started asking him if he’s okay. And from time to time, ask him how he’s feeling.
Changing Perspectives
Like I said, I struggled to have a relationship with my father. And a few years ago, my perspective on him totally changed. You see, I realized that my father is actually human. Yeah. Our parents are human. What I’m trying to say is that my father is an African parent. And on top of that, he’s a military African parent. So I realized that he was actually only showing love the way he had received it. That’s all he knew. And by those standards, he actually did an amazing job. He did a great job.
And I realized that in order for change to actually happen, he would have to start through me. So one day when he was dropping me off at the airport, instead of shaking his hand like what I usually would do, I gave him a hug. I embraced him. And from that moment forward, my father became a hugger. And then I noticed that his relationship with my son is adorable. Like it’s so heartwarming to the point where I’m actually a little jealous. I’m not going to lie.
Conclusion
But I’m saying all this to allude to this, that if my father can change, then we can 100% help change our young boys by showering them with love, by teaching them that it’s important to embrace your feelings, and by creating spaces where they feel comfortable to communicate them. So that one day, one day, when a stranger smiles at them, and walks towards them, and asks them how they’re feeling, they won’t feel so weird and awkward.
It’s been an honor and a pleasure. Thank you so much.
