Here is the full transcript of multifaceted professional Mollie Kaye’s talk titled “Is The Cure For Loneliness Hiding In Your Closet?” at TEDxSurrey 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Importance of Standing Out
One of these things is not like the others. I bet you’ve got questions. Most people do. “Hey,” they said, “I could wear anything I want as long as it doesn’t detract from my idea.” And in my case, the outfit is the idea. I didn’t always dress like this.
A few years ago, I was playing it very safe with my style. I wore the middle-aged mom uniform: black, semi-athletic, invisaWear. I wanted to belong, but blending in isn’t the same as belonging. In fact, I was playing the world’s loneliest game of hide-and-seek. I made myself disappear, and nobody ever found me. But when I dress like this, and someone says, “Oh, I just love your outfit,” we’ve connected.
Now that game is a lot more fun. And the amazing thing is that these little interactions with strangers can actually help us live longer, healthier lives. So every Tuesday, I dress like this when I’m out and about, and I talk to people. It was scary at first.
Overcoming Fear and Embracing Connection
I was pretty nervous about sitting out instead of sitting in. But this weekly experiment has transformed my life and my closet for the better. Now I definitely feel like I am part of my community. I give compliments more generously, and I receive them more graciously.
Mutual appreciation. That’s the best game going. So why would we want to blend in and miss out? “Don’t talk to strangers.” We all heard that, right?
But what if avoiding strangers is more dangerous than talking to them? Researchers keep telling us there’s an epidemic of social isolation, and it’s cutting our lives short by hastening heart disease, dementia, depression, cancer. What can save us is connection.
The Power of Dressing Up
And people are everywhere. At the gym, at the grocery store, out walking the dog. Smiles, waves, greetings, chats could mean the difference between health and disease, life and death. But where do you start if talking to strangers seems as reckless as playing in traffic?
This is my strategy to kickstart little connections. For me, dressing up is a big part of showing up. When I put it all together, I am ready to engage. Wherever I go, I notice other people who dare to have flair. And I say, “Whoa, look at you!” And then they’re like, “Whoa, look at you!” And then we’re laughing and talking and celebrating, and it’s like a party. But no one has to vacuum afterwards.
Making Connections Through Fashion
You can enjoy this too. And you don’t even have to dress like Jackie Kennedy. But you do have to build a bridge for someone to cross. I asked research psychologist Dr. Gillian Sandstrom about her work studying the benefits of talking to strangers and what she thought of my Tuesday thing.
She told me, “It makes sense that your special clothing would help to stimulate conversations. It makes people pay attention. And you can’t have a conversation unless you first make eye contact. It gives people something to say to start the conversation. And my research suggests that people really feel like they need permission.”
Okay, how will you give permission? Maybe try adding one noticeable item at or above your collarbone. I call that the hello zone. It could be a pin or a flower, a shirt with a bold pattern or a fun logo, a cool hat, glasses that are amazing, or a dazzling backpack. Really anything you wear or carry can spark a connection. There’s a guy in Australia who walks around carrying a four-foot papier-mâché carrot because it makes people smile and it helps them connect.
The Hello Zone and Beyond
Hey, it works. I think adding a little flair to your hello zone is an easier way to offer a bridge to a stranger. Hey, I’m wearing at least five bridges right now. You could wear one.
And honestly, the fun of this gets addictive. But yeah, there are Tuesdays when I don’t feel like doing this. When I’m stressed out or feeling low, I just want to stay home and have stuff delivered. But I put myself together and I go out there anyway because those are the Tuesdays that really show me how healing it is to be seen and beheld.
I love that word, beheld. When we are seen, we feel we belong. And belonging is the opposite of isolation. Every Tuesday, I’m just reminding myself that the cure for loneliness is right outside my door.
The Origins of My Tuesday Style
So you might be wondering, why this particular style? Well, I’ve always been a fan of 50s fashion, but I wasn’t wearing it to run my errands. One Saturday in July 2019, I got all decked out in a polka dot dress and a pillbox hat and white gloves to help out with my friend’s vintage fair.
People chased me down the street to tell me how much they loved that outfit. Some even said that it made their day. Really? The clothes I wear can make someone’s day? If I’d been schlumping around in my invisaWear, would anyone’s day have been made?
So I declared to the random guy next to me that I was making an official commitment to dress head to toe in a 50s outfit one day a week for a year. And I chose Tuesdays because nothing fun ever happens on a Tuesday.
Adapting to Social Distancing
Eight months later, in March 2020, social distancing became an official way of life. Still, every Tuesday, I got dressed up. It confirmed my intention to be part of my community, even from six feet away.
Back at home, I would put on something a little nicer than lockdown loungewear, because have you noticed the clothes we wear can affect our mood, even our productivity? It’s powerful stuff. Part self-care, part public service, being splendid wasn’t just keeping me afloat. It was lifting others.
But for many people, months of social isolation wearing only their pajamas made style seem irrelevant. Yet they dreaded going anywhere, saying, “Oh God, I hope nobody sees me like this.” They cut themselves off from connection right when they needed it the most.
I think we got stuck in that pattern. We are terrified to be noticed, but we are dying to be seen. We have got to start talking to each other. Changes and breakdowns in our systems and environment are going to force us to.
But hey, why not start now? My dad is a biophysicist. He’s been telling me for years that our cells can mutate when we’re exposed to all kinds of different stress. And Lord knows every one of us is stressed to the max and probably mutating like mad.
He thinks my social initiative is important because as individuals and communities, we’re already facing extreme challenges, and that takes strength. Each warm connection with a stranger makes us all stronger. So it’s time to stop hiding, reveal yourself.
Embracing Your Splendid Self
It takes some courage, but when you elect to connect, you’re choosing better health for yourself and the people around you. Don’t wait for a wedding or a funeral. Go ahead and be splendid. Next Tuesday or any day, rock your style and share a smile. You are the special occasion. Dress for it.
