Here is the full transcript of Lizzy Glazer’s talk titled “It’s Time To Talk About Psychological And Verbal Abuse” at TEDxPhillipsAcademyAndover conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Verbal Abuse
“You’re so stupid. You’re lucky you have me. Nobody else would ever want you.”“Oh, shut up.” “Don’t give me that look. You don’t know how good you have it.” “You suck at that. You’re never going to amount to anything.”“Don’t you know how much I love you?” Abuse can be obvious. It can leave bruises. Abuse can also be less obvious and leave only internal pain and suffering. Whether physical or psychological, abuse is a form of bullying that undermines a person’s self-esteem, tears families apart, and takes lives.
Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the U.S. Every day, in this country alone, more than three women are murdered by their partners or loved ones. Almost half of all men and women in the U.S. have experienced psychological abuse by an intimate partner. Many experience it on a daily basis.
When people think of domestic violence or relationship abuse, they often think of the stereotypes that go along with it. But the truth is, no one is immune to domestic violence. It can affect anyone, no matter what race, gender, socioeconomic background, level of education, religion, or sexual orientation.
Psychological and Verbal Abuse
It is also important to remember that domestic violence is not just physical abuse. In fact, today I am going to focus on the types of abuse that occur the most, yet are the least talked about. Psychological and verbal abuse.
I grew up in a house with my mother, father, and three siblings. I grew up in an unsafe house. In a house filled with yelling, cursing, and pain.
It is really difficult to describe the way my father hurt my family. He had a way to make us feel worthless. He knew each of our weaknesses and imperfections, and always found a time to point them out.
Although my father was not physically abusive, we feared him. Whenever I stood up for myself or my family, he would corner me in my room and spew such anger and hatred that I feared for my life. One of the most difficult parts of living with an abuser is the unpredictability. Some days we would be like a normal family. Sometimes he would go for weeks without lashing out at us. It gave us all such false hope.
But of course, someone would say something that he didn’t like, or do something that he perceived as wrong, or listen to music when he didn’t want to listen to it, or even laugh too much, and he would go off again. It was like this ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment.
Then, he would make us feel guilty. As if we had really done something so awful to upset him like that. As if we deserved the things he said and the names he called us. As if we deserved the humiliation and the shame. He would control us and our thoughts, and after growing up with his voice inside my head at all times, I started to believe that the things he said were true. I started to believe that I was ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and never going to amount to anything.
Moving Forward
It’s been two years since my mom gained the courage to leave him. I finally have a safe, positive, loving house to come home to. With no one telling us our feelings are invalid. No one telling us to turn down our music when we are singing and dancing in the kitchen. And no one to tell us to stop laughing.
When my father left, it was as if we could all finally breathe again. In fact, a few days after my father finally moved out of the house, my younger brother smiled up at me and told me that he no longer had to sleep facing his door at night. As if my father was some kind of monster that might be lurking outside his room.
Nobody deserves to live this way. And yet, many of you might be in a situation similar to the one I was in. When I was younger, I thought that I was the only one who had experienced this. I thought I was all alone. I had heard of domestic violence before, but never realized that psychological abuse was just as real as physical abuse. Our society defines domestic violence in terms of bruises. It is time to acknowledge the internal scars of psychological and verbal abuse.
Signs of Abuse
It is so easy to get trapped in an abusive relationship. And yet, it is so difficult to escape. Whether you are a teenager or an adult, you can get caught in an unhealthy relationship. To help you recognize one, I’d like to share five common signs of abuse. Now, although these are usually prominent elements of abuse, every situation is unique.
One, you’ll be swept off your feet. In the beginning of the relationship, it will be everything you ever wanted. The fairy tale every kid grows up hearing about. You’ll be told that you’re beautiful, and you’ll be showered with compliments. And you may even fall in love. But before you know it, you will be blamed and humiliated. You will be told that you are not enough. And you may even start to feel as though you are not enough.
Two, your partner will force you to get rid of the things that make you, you. By doing this, your partner will brainwash you and make you leave behind your old identity. Three, to gain control, your partner will isolate you from your friends and loved ones and make you dependent on them. Four, the abuser will scream, yell, and curse at you and always find a time to point out your imperfections and mistakes. Five, your partner will deny they ever did something wrong and blame you for their actions.
People shy away from conversations about domestic violence because it’s easier to try to sweep it under the rug and ignore it than it is to face the difficulties and complexities of abuse. But this is the reason why we need to talk about it. I speak to you today to educate, to raise awareness, and to inspire change.
I speak to all of those kids that are in my shoes: “You are not alone.” I speak for the millions of others around the world who have stories similar to mine but who do not have a voice to share them. Thank you.