Here is the full transcript of Signe M. Hegestand’s talk titled “Psychological Abuse – Caught In Harmful Relationships” at TEDxAarhus conference.
Psychologist Signe M. Hegestand’s TEDx talk, “Psychological Abuse – Caught In Harmful Relationships,” delves into the often overlooked but deeply impactful realm of emotional abuse in relationships. She illuminates how victims are drawn into and trapped in cycles of abuse, emphasizing the role of fear, love, and the hope for acceptance.
Hegestand, drawing on her extensive experience as a clinical psychologist, highlights the difficulty in recognizing and addressing emotional abuse due to its insidious and non-physical nature. She introduces the concept of attachment theory to explain why individuals may find themselves repeatedly ensnared in abusive dynamics, linking it to early childhood experiences and developed coping mechanisms.
The talk sheds light on the disproportionate effect of emotional abuse on women, citing statistical evidence and personal anecdotes. Hegestand passionately argues for greater awareness, legal recognition, and support for victims, advocating for a societal shift in understanding and addressing psychological abuse. Her message is one of empowerment, urging victims to recognize their worth and break free from harmful patterns to seek healthier, loving relationships.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Things We Do for Love
The things we do for love. Think about it. What have you done in the hope of being loved and cared for? Some may remember silly and somewhat embarrassing episodes like texting an ex in the middle of the night or pretending to like “Gilmore Girls.”
Or perhaps you go through very painful and humiliating situations where you didn’t set your limits or express your needs and feelings because you were afraid of being rejected. Patterns we see in dysfunctional relationships.
In my work as a clinical psychologist, I have witnessed daily how far people would go for love, even if the relationship is directly harmful to them. We call these emotionally abusive relationships, and it has been a previously overlooked field within psychology, but also in society and among the population.
Although emotional abuse is illegal by law in Denmark and Great Britain, there is no clear definition, and it is very difficult to prove in a lawsuit. Think about it. How do you prove a crime that leaves no physical marks and the only witness is the victim? Emotional abuse is characterized by a systematic, persisting, demeaning, scornful, devaluing, humiliating behavior from your partner.
The Impact of Emotional Abuse
A partner that controls all your social life, financial decisions, and manipulates and pressures you emotionally. Such a partner can be very jealous and demand to know where the woman is at all times. Yes, women are subjected to this type of violence three and a half times as often as men in Denmark, which is why I will say “she” while talking about this subject. Perhaps she is constantly told how stupid, ugly, and incompetent she is.
But it can also be much more subtle. And then she is manipulated by statements like, “You are too sensitive,” “You misunderstood,” or “You are wrong.” The consequences are often high levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and even PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. So you may ask, how on earth could a person ever have misinterpreted this kind of relationship for love?
How could they ever have come to the conclusion that they were not worthy of love and should be grateful for this kind of abuse? In my opinion, the attachment style theory offers the best explanation. And let me explain by telling you a story. It’s a story about a little girl who grew up in an ordinary family with a father, mother, and a brother.
Attachment Style and Its Effects
They lived in a nice area, in a nice house, and the parents were well-educated. It’s also a story about a mother who was mentally ill and who got admitted several times throughout the little girl’s childhood. She suffered from anxiety, depression, and later it turned out that she had personality disorders. So the father was the primary caretaker in periods.
He was ambitious, worked a lot, and he took care of the children’s physical needs. But emotionally, he was incompetent. At times, he would demean and ridicule his children for showing emotions or not being good enough. So the little girl grew up with a mix of admiration and anxiety towards her father.
When the girl was five years old, the mother was in a very bad traffic accident and she got hospitalized. The little girl, she was afraid that it was not just an accident and she couldn’t shake the thought that she might have done it on purpose. So when the father shortly after decided to get a divorce, the little girl could not leave her mother and she stayed with her. So at the age of five, this little girl was already overly responsible, willing to set aside her own needs, blaming herself for her parents’ bad mood.
Sometimes the parents showed her affection and told her that they loved her. But for this girl, love was uncertain and she grew up with a feeling of being unworthy of love, wrong, and ugly. One style theory says that this little girl will very likely repeat this pattern in her adult relationships, setting her own needs aside, blaming herself for her partner’s bad mood, and feeling grateful for any kind of love, even if it comes with abuse. Because love is uncertain and for this girl, it becomes a repeatedly pattern.
The Widespread Nature of Attachment Issues
But on the other hand, we see children that are securely attached, they will grow up being independent and confident adults with high self-esteem and the ability to create a loving and caring relationship. So how widespread is this phenomenon? Let’s say that there’s around 250 women in this room and the same number of men. Then 63 of the women and 33 of the men will have experienced this kind of unhealthy relationship, and some of them will still be in it.
You may object and say that this kind of neglect is not particularly widespread and that it only occurs in the lower classes of society.