Here is the full transcript of seasoned couples counselor Susan L. Adler’s talk titled “Secrets of A Couples Counselor: 3 Steps To Happier Relationships” at TEDxOakParkWomen 2019 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
If you’re trying to be a good person, if you want to be your best possible self, these are pretty tough times. So what if we could inspire each other, especially the people we partner with, to become more thoughtful, more loving versions of ourselves? My friends Ruby and Jeff inspired me. They always had.
They were charming, completely down to earth, good, nice people, and totally devoted to each other. But one day, many years ago, something happened. One day, Ruby wanted out. I had never seen her so furious. And according to her, it was all Jeff’s fault. Everything was all Jeff’s fault. “I deserve more,” she said. “So much more.”
And I thought, really? More from Jeff? Jeff was a guy that came home after working a hard day’s work and made elaborate meals for their family just because… So what had gotten to Ruby?
The Blame Game
And what did Oprah have to do with it? Oh, we’re going there. But not just yet. As a couples counselor, I hear a lot of people talk a whole lot about how the problems in their relationship are absolutely not their fault.
When their partner’s upset with them, they say things like, “She’s too sensitive.” Or “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” When I hear things like this, I sit and I listen and I empathize with their pain and frustration. But I know that playing the blame game never gets anyone what they really want and need.
When our relationship’s in trouble, we’re hurt and we’re angry, we feel wounded and misunderstood.
So we can’t always see our own role in all that unhappiness. We give ourselves a free pass and then we magnify our partner’s every misstep. We store up all that hurt and pain in what I call a black bag of resentment.
That resentment is a relationship killer. The bigger the bag, the more we feel like a victim and the angrier we get. Over time, we might still be a couple, but we’re no longer a team. We become opponents in a war that has no winner.
Taking Responsibility
To stop being a victim, we have to let go of that heavy black bag, release our pain and send it out into the universe, take responsibility for our mistakes and apologize for the unhappiness that we have caused. That’s not easy. Letting go involves changing the story that we tell ourselves and admitting to being part of the problem and the solution. So how do we do that?
So many relationship problems actually have very little to do with the relationship itself. Research tells us that the less stress we have, the happier our relationship. The problem is we mix that up all the time. Instead of seeing that our own unhappiness puts stress on our relationship, we blame our relationship for our unhappiness. We get mad. Then we try to get even. Then we wonder why things go badly. These three steps can help.
Step number one, anything but anger. Step number two, raising the bar. And step number three, “I would love it if” statements. To remember step number one, anything but anger, or ABA for short, think about the ’70s band ABBA.
Anything But Anger (ABA)
You know, they do “Dancing Queen.” Because they have the same initials, A-B-A. Well, sort of. Plus, at least for me, it’s hard to imagine being angry listening to ABBA.
I mean, it’s ABBA. Anger is also like the bodyguard of emotions. When we’re angry, we protect ourselves from feeling hurt. That’s because hurt is such a harder thing to feel than anger. Hurt makes us feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable makes us feel powerless. And nobody wants to feel powerless. So we use anger to push away our hurt and our sadness and our vulnerability.
And in the process, we end up pushing away the people that we love the most. Anger is also the kerosene of relationship problems. Pour anger onto any issue that you’re having and watch it ignite. This may be why we can have the same argument over and over and over again in what you might call argument déjà vu.
Raising the Bar
The anger builds and feeds on itself until there’s permanent damage or it explodes. So when you find yourself feeling angry, sit down, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling underneath all this anger?” Asking just about anything other than frustration or anger can bring you closer. The next time your partner disappoints, and they will, instead of going on the attack, imagine saying, “I feel sad” or “I feel hurt” or “I feel disappointed.” Anything, just about anything other than anger can help you open up, let your partner in and start a conversation instead of an argument.
The second step is raising the bar, which is when you challenge yourself to be better. Whether your partner’s behaving well or they’re behaving badly, whether they’re meeting your needs or they’re not meeting your needs, you take the high road. Suppose your partner’s stressed out or they’re in a mood or they’re being irrational.
Hard to imagine, I know. You can go down that rabbit hole with them or you can make a different choice. When your partner’s spinning out of control, and that’s most of us from time to time, you don’t have to catch their crazy ball. As the saying goes, “The hallmark of a good relationship is when only one person goes crazy at a time.”
Instead of catching the crazy, raise the bar and challenge yourself to be helpful, patient, caring, and kind. These are all factors that research indicates make relationships happier. Instead of yelling, “Oh my God, what is wrong with you,” stop, take a breath, imagine saying, “I’m so sorry you’re upset. What’s bothering you is important to me. How can I help?” There is nothing to fight about if you’re being helpful. You won’t get caught in the downward spiral if you’re consciously raising the bar.
The third and final step is using “I would love it if” statements. “I would love it if you would offer to help me with the groceries.” “I would love it if you would tell me when I look nice.” “I would love it if we picked a night to be alone together.” Doesn’t that sound better than, “You never make time for me”?
But a word of caution. Only use “I would love it” in a way that’s positive and future focused. So don’t say negative things like, “I would love it if you would stop being such a jerk.” That’s not positive.
Nourishing Your Relationship
That’s criticism. And don’t say things that focus on the past like, “I would love it if you would clean the kitchen yesterday.” Again, that’s just criticism. Focus on moving forward and being positive. This is how you set your partner and yourself and your relationship up for success. This is how you get your needs met. Think of it like this. Your relationship is like a garden.
A garden needs water and fertilizer and sunshine to grow. And a relationship needs connection and communication and playfulness to blossom. When we nourish our relationship, we become a team and we build the trust and goodwill that we’ll need to get us through the difficult times. But remember, these are self-improvement steps, not weapons.
So don’t, for example, criticize your partner because they forgot to raise the bar. Lastly, these skills aren’t for every situation and they’re not for every couple. Frankly, not every relationship should survive. Some are just way too unhealthy.
Ruby and Jeff’s Story
Anything but anger, raising the bar, and “I would love it if” statements. These three steps can make you happier and can help you create the relationship that you want and need. When we take responsibility and we value one another, our new attitude can actually inspire our new partner to want to do the same thing, which brings me back to my friends, Ruby and Jeff. I finally found out what happened to Ruby.
So much of her anger wasn’t even about Jeff. She just wasn’t herself. She’d become stressed and fearful about other personal, family, and completely non-related issues. And then, one day, she was watching Oprah. That bad guy there. Oprah was featuring an episode that had an entire panel of perfect, impossibly romantic men. And Jeff, he was a regular, normal guy. He wasn’t a romance superstar.
In truth, neither was Ruby. Nevertheless, she lost it. She wanted Jeff to be just like those men on Oprah. And then she demanded that Jeff become just like those men on Oprah.
Applying the Three Steps
And the more she demanded, guess what he did? The more he resisted. And the angrier they both became. She was pushing Jeff away just when she needed him most.
Things looked really bad for them. But guess which three relationship tools she decided to try? First, she focused on anything but anger. Instead of taking her stress out on Jeff and her pain and her fears out on him, she shared what was going on with her.
She shared what was underneath her anger. That made him feel closer to her, and he wanted to be there for her. Second, she raised the bar by showing him how much she loved and needed him, which inspired him to want to become more romantic. And because she did such a great job with step one and step two, she almost really didn’t even need to use any “I would love it if” statements, because her love drew him to her.
Conclusion
We all know relationships that should end. We all have friends who’ve divorced. But Ruby and Jeff, that crisis long passed. They’re going on 30 happy years together and inspiring the rest of us to do the same.
I hope you’ll follow their lead and inspire your partner and yourself to have a stronger, more loving relationship. And I hope you’ll share with others your secrets to a happier relationship with tips like this.