The Antidote to Anger: Mike Goldman (Transcript)

Here is the full transcript of Mike Goldman’s talk titled “The Antidote to Anger” at TEDxGainesville conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

Understanding Conflict and Its Roots

I believe there’s one thing at the root of harmful conflict, at the root of anger between left and right, Jew and Palestinian, father and son. And I learned that one thing back in 2006. On this particular day at a call with my business coach, Susan. Susan wanted to know how I did on all those things I committed to do the week before.

It was a week from hell with our 12-year-old son. I just couldn’t focus. You see, my son has something called Asperger’s Syndrome. And for those of you that don’t know, Asperger’s is a high functioning form of autism.

And at that point, we’d had some good weeks, but a whole lot of weeks from hell over the last 10 years. Then Susan asked me what I thought I did to cause the bad week. What I did? I didn’t cause his Asperger’s. How is this my fault?

A Week from Hell

Susan changed her tact. She just wanted to know how the week from hell started. So here it is. It’s about 6:30 in the evening. I had had a really tough day. I just wanted to get home, relax, de-stress. I walk in the front door. There’s my son playing his video game, not even acknowledging I walked through the door.

My wife yells from up in the kitchen, “Richie, it’s time to come up for dinner!” And I can tell by her tone, that wasn’t the first time she asked. I don’t need this! I had a tough day! This kid knows every button to push to piss me off. Why can’t he just go upstairs for dinner? Why can’t he do the simple things? Just getting him to brush his teeth and take a shower is a nightmare!

He can’t focus in school! He has no friends. Is he ever going to get through high school or get into college? Is he ever going to get married and have a normal life? And with all this swirling in my head, I explode on this poor kid, “Richie, you get upstairs for dinner right now!” “I just have to finish this level on my game!”

We’re screaming and yelling. And I walked over to the wall. And I pulled the plug. Yeah. Big mistake. We finally go upstairs for dinner. He’s looking for every reason to prove I’m the worst father in the world. And I’m looking for every reason to prove he’s the worst son in the world.

We have a horrible dinner, angry at each other. A horrible evening, and a week from hell. Then Susan asked me if I’d ever have a week that started off in a similar way, but ended very differently.

That was easy. Just two weeks before, I had a great day; I couldn’t wait to get home and share it with my family. I walk in the front door. There’s Richie playing his video game. My wife yells from up in the kitchen, “Richie, it’s time to come up for dinner!”

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Learning from Positive Experiences

And I looked down at my son, who’s got these problems I don’t really understand. Sometimes the world is so overwhelming to him, that his only escape is to hyperfocus on a video game. I have no idea of the problems he’s going through. I have no idea what it’s like to be him.

So I looked down at him, I said, “Hey buddy, you finish that level on your game. I want to see you upstairs in 10 minutes, okay?” “Sure, Dad.” Now, did he come upstairs in 10 minutes? What do you think? It was 15 or 20.

He came upstairs. We had a beautiful dinner. We had a great evening. We had an amazing week. And then Susan asked me the obvious killer question. What was the difference between my good week and my week from hell?

The Power of Perception

And in that moment, I realized how powerful I was, but not in a good way. I looked back at the last 10 years of our lives and I thought, how many of those weeks from hell were about me, and my emotional state, and my attitude? What did I do to my son? What did I do to my family?

In that moment, I realized it was up to me. The root of the problem was not my son’s behavior. It was the story I was telling myself about his behavior. During the week from hell, I assumed negative intent. I assumed he was just being a pain in the neck on purpose.

On the good week, I assumed he was doing the best he could. So what’s at the root of harmful conflict, of anger? An assumption of negative intent. When we assume negative intent, we get angry and frustrated, we lash out, we hurt our relationships, we lose our ability to solve the problem. We assume that maniac who cut us off on the highway was just laughing, knowing they were doing something dangerous and life-threatening, but doing it anyway.

We assume our son is pissing us off on purpose. We assume negative intent. Well, the lesson I learned back on that day in 2006, I call the Law of Positive Intent.

The Law of Positive Intent

The Law of Positive Intent simply says everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone’s doing the right thing. This isn’t some “world is wonderful” optimistic philosophy. It doesn’t say everybody’s doing the right thing, but it says everyone’s trying to do the best they can.

They may not have the resources you have. They may not have the information you have. Or maybe they know something you don’t. Maybe that maniac who cut you off was rushing to the hospital bed of a loved one in need.

Maybe your son was just trying to escape the noise and the overwhelm.

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Challenging Assumptions

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never actually met anyone who was truly up to no good. I never met anyone who woke up in the morning and said, “What can I screw up today?” Now, I know some of you are calling BS on that. Fine. Maybe you’ve met someone like that.

Let me ask you this: How often has assuming negative intent actually helped you solve a problem? When we assume negative intent, we get frustrated, we close ourselves off to creative answers. When we assume positive intent, it opens us up to other ways to look at the problem, we could actually solve the problem.

So whether you believe the person has positive intent or not, it’s still a more empowering strategy than believing they’re evil people. Now, I know this isn’t easy to do. And it’s not easy to do because most of us have a bias.

Overcoming Bias

That’s called fundamental attribution error. Fundamental attribution error says when someone else behaves in a negative way, that’s a character trait. But when we behave in a negative way, it’s outside circumstances. So if for a morning meeting, you’re working with someone who yells and interrupts in a meeting, it’s because they’re a rude person.

But when you do the same thing, it’s because you haven’t had your morning cup of coffee yet. So fundamental attribution error actually hijacks our ability to assume positive intent if we’re not proactive. So let’s be proactive.

Choosing Our Focus

How do we do that? We simply decide what to focus on. Back in 1986, a German neuroscientist named Dr. Manfred Zimmermann estimated that we have 11 million bits of information hitting us every second. That’s not the interesting part. The interesting part is our brains can only handle 126 bits per second.

A hundred and twenty-six! That’s 1/100,000 of the 11 million. 0.001 percent of reality. I did the math. That’s like judging your week based on a six-second experience. It’s like thinking you’ve seen the Mona Lisa by seeing a piece of it no bigger than a grain of sand.

The Reality We Choose

So we’re making it up. We make up our own reality, and our behavior is based on that reality. Think of the story of my son and the week from hell. My reality was he was the worst son in the world. He was being a pain in the neck on purpose. So I looked for that.

On the good week, he was trying to do the best he can. I saw a totally different 126 bits from the same reality. So our behavior is based on which 126 bits we see, and which 126 bits we see is a decision we can make.

In fact, let’s take it to an even higher level and talk about pronoia. Pronoia is the opposite of paranoia. While paranoia says everyone’s out to get you, Pronoia says the universe is actually conspiring on your behalf. You believe that the people around you – yeah, look around – the people around you are secretly plotting to make you happy.

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Even the obstacles in your way are there to help you find the right path. Let that one sink in. Even the obstacles are there for you. So while the Law of Positive Intent assumes the positive intent of other people, pronoia assumes the positive intent of the universe.

Making the Shift

So when we come back down from the land of new words and German neuroscientists, what do we do? How do we make that shift in the story we’re telling ourselves? How do we shift from believing in negative intent to positive intent? We ask a simple yet incredibly powerful question: “What else could this mean?”

Maybe they’re going through some struggle you know nothing about. Maybe what you interpreted as disrespect was just them feeling really passionate about an idea. Maybe the universe put them there to help you. What else could this mean? And how do those new meanings impact how you view them? Or how you view their actions? What new questions do you have for them? What new conversations does this open up to you?

Shifting from anger to curiosity allows you to actually start to understand the other person, and you have a much better chance of solving the problem. When we assume negative intent, our lives feel full of conflict and drama. What does life feel like when we assume positive intent? It feels peaceful. It feels grateful.

The Impact of Positive Intent

It’s a great relationship with my now-28-year-old son. The son who I thought would never keep a job, has had a steady job for five years. The son I thought would never eat right or exercise has lost 30 pounds. The son I used to battle with almost every day, is now a great friend.

What if we can do this at a world level? What if we assume that everyone – left, right, Jew, Palestinian, father, son – that everyone was just trying to do the best they can? What if we made a habit of asking: What else could this mean? How would that change your relationships? How would that change the world?

Thank you.