Here is the full transcript of author Stefan Verra’s talk titled “The Body Language Of Self-Confidence” at TEDxMedUniGraz 2020 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Importance of Self-Confidence
Self-confidence. Now when I would ask most of you, how do you want to be seen by other people? Most of you would say, likeable, they should see me as a nice person. I only have to change the setting a little bit, let’s say in a job interview, or during a representation, or in an ordinary business meeting. And suddenly, almost every one of you would say, “No, I want to be seen as competent, as self-confident, as sovereign. You want to be taken seriously.”
Now why does that change so quickly? Why is it that in many situations we leave out the likability and pay a lot for the self-confidence? Now to find out that reason, we have to get a step back in evolution, not too far back, 300,000 years ago is enough. The Neanderthals, life was really tough, gathering food, wow, that was a tough job. A lot of hands were needed, a lot of brain power was needed.
Enemies, you needed all the power available, and all the know-how available. The same with building houses, you needed everyone in the group in the village. Even the elderly, although they didn’t have anymore the power, they had the know-how. Only one group was excluded, and that was the children.
They didn’t have the power by now, and they also didn’t have collected enough experience. But the older the children get, the more they realize we are excluded. When they go out for a hunt, we have to stay in the village. When they build new houses, no one asks us how to build the houses.
The Drive to Prove Oneself
So the older the children get, the more the drive awakes in them, “I want to be a full member of the group, of the society.” So what they want to prove, the older they get, at least when they are teenagers, is “I am clever, I am strong enough, I have seen all the problems.” So they want to appear self-confident, they want to appear absolutely sure of themselves, and what they always want to avoid is embarrassment.
Now fast forward to our time, and when you are in a presentation, most of you will think “Oh, when I do the presentation, afterwards everyone should say ‘Wow, what a self-confident person.'” If there is an embarrassment, oh my God, please no embarrassment, it is the same.
Now the body language of self-confidence, we read that in tabloids, in boulevard magazines, and also in not so scientific publications, is always straight up, symmetrical body language, straight views, straight eye contact, and also not too much smiles. And no signs of submissiveness. In the German speaking world we have a word that says “chin up, chest out, belly in.” Now if I would start a presentation like that, I am not self-confident, I am arrogant.
Decisions in the Brain
And the difference is only within the time frames, because our brain takes decisions in a different way. Let’s take a normal business, let’s take a job interview, HR manager sits in his or her office, the door opens and the applicant for the job enters the room. Now two areas in the brain of this HR manager take very quick decisions, within milliseconds, that is the brain stem and the midbrain, both are very important.
The brain stem takes the decision, about 50 years ago scientists thought it’s only fight or flight. Nowadays we know there is more to that, not only fight or flight, that is one. The other is, is that new situation, is that new person, is that a moment for relaxation for me, is that a resource for me, or do I want to get rid of that person.
That is mainly the brain stem. And that is the first decision. Now the first decision is a little bit different from the second, because the second decision is the midbrain, and the midbrain is one of the best inventions in evolution, because only with a midbrain we were able to form groups and to form hierarchies. So the second decision is only possible for animals, for creatures who have a midbrain.
Midbrain Animals and Hierarchies
For instance dogs, dogs are popular pets, because they obey, sometimes it’s also the dog owner who obeys, but someone is always obeying. If you want to do that with a salamander, with a snake, you don’t even get the leash around the neck of the snake. So it is a completely different circumstance with midbrain animals and we as human beings are midbrainers.
We form groups and from the first moment on we decide whether this person is above or below me, not only in status but also in know-how. That is why sometimes, I hope more often than sometimes, people from a higher status listen to people who are lower but are cleverer in some areas. That will be important a little bit later on. So that is the second decision. But the first decision is, does this HR manager want to spend more time with that person or does he or she want to get rid of that person?
The Misconception of Self-Confident Body Language
Now we have the misconception, when you think, “I walk through life with my self-confident body language,” believe me, each and every HR manager will think, “Please leave the room.” So what you should do to be seen as a competent person from the first moment on, you want to give them the feeling that they want to continue communicating with you, that they want to listen to you, that they want to spend more time with you and that is with a likeable body language. Number one, show more emotions. Show more emotions.
Why is that? The more relaxed motions show, I am not prepared for a fight, I am not prepared for defending myself.
Imagine you would start a presentation like that, everyone would think, “Oh, this is going to be argument, counter-argument.” The more relaxed body language you show, the more you invite people to listen to you.
Showing More Emotions
Show more emotions. I mean, you should not start every presentation with motions like that. If you do that, you should change the types of drugs you are using. If you are starting a presentation with a relaxed body language, you give them a feeling, “Oh, we want to listen to him or her.” I give you a picture.
Maybe you just imagine you stand at the bar with good friends of yours and tell them about your last weekend or your last holidays. You don’t stand there and talk like that. If you stand like that, people will think you are the waitress or the waiter. You talk like that depending on your temperament.
Some will talk like that and some will talk like that, but everyone shows more emotions. Number two, show asymmetry. Asymmetry means the halves of the body are not equal. Asymmetry also means I am not prepared to fight.
Asymmetry and Not Appearing to Want to Fight
If the saber-toothed tiger approaches me and I’m standing like that, I am dead because I’m not quick enough to fight. That is what you want. Not being dead, but appearing not to want to fight.
Number three is smile more. Smiling is important. Primatology teaches that smiling is not in the first hand a signal of likeability. It is a signal of “I have accepted your higher status.” That is why when you see a person from a higher status but you don’t like, you still smile at that person.
When the police stops you over and the police officer looks at the side window of your car, you show that facial expression. If you don’t believe me, try the next time when a policeman stops you over and you look at him like that’s going to be expensive because the police officer thinks, “Ah, you have difficulties accepting that I’m the stronger person.” That is why smiling is so important. But now you come to the point in your presentation when it is important to bring across the most important facts, your USPs, the things you want to convince the other people.
Changing Body Language for Important Points
It is always a short portion of your whole presentation. Now you have the whole potential to change your body language from a body language that moves a lot to a stable body language. From asymmetry to symmetry and now you can’t stop smiling.
The change in the body language is what makes you self-confident. I give an example. Number one is very important. Number two is also important but the most important fact is number three. And that is what gives them the feeling of you know what you are talking about.
That gives them the feeling, “Ah, that was important, I should remember that.” But if you do the mistaken thing, your presentation has to be stable all throughout the presentation. It looks like number one is important, number two is important and the most important fact is number three. That is what most presentations are all about.
Making a Difference in Body Language
But that is not what gives the people the signal, “I should remember the facts.” So always make a difference between your everyday body language that should be approachable, that should be likeable and reduce the stable and self-confident body language to the points that are really important. If you do it too long, you are always a little bit standoffish. Maybe it is easier if you think of an everyday situation, let’s say Monday morning and you are at home and as always the children don’t obey.
They don’t do what you want them to do. You know you are in a hurry because you have to go to the office, the children have to go to school, you are cleaning the kitchen table from breakfast and you shout to them, “Hey, write granny a birthday SMS and don’t forget to close the window in your room and don’t you dare to leave the house without cleaning your room.” Now you run to the bathroom and again you ask “What’s with the SMS for granny, is the window already closed and is your room tidy?” and then you brush your teeth for the third time you ask “What’s with the message and the window, is it still open and is your room already clean?”
Latest by now the children know only one person in that household is annoying and that is not granny. Because of course they got the message already at the first time, of course, but from your body language they read the message is not to be taken serious. You should do exactly what I said before.
Emphasizing Important Facts with Body Language
The less important facts you say with an asymmetrical body language, only the important facts, there you change the body language. “Write an SMS to granny and close the window and don’t you dare to leave the house without cleaning the room.” Believe me, they won’t only clean the room, they will clean the whole house. And that is what we want to see in our life.
When you are doing presentations, when you talk to people, when you talk to patients, it is all about adherence. When people don’t realize what is important and what is not so important, it is the problem that you have made. So your body language doesn’t change the content, but the body language gives them the feeling that is important and that is not so important.
Overcoming Our Youth
And if you, this is just a hint for your personality, if you constantly think, “Oh well, now I have to be always in every situation the strong woman, the strong man,” then with one food you are still a little bit in your youth. So, as Friedrich Nietzsche put it, he said, “We have to overcome our youth to be children again.” Thank you.