Here is the full transcript of Mike Duffy’s talk titled “The Critical Importance of Friends On Your Happiness” at TEDxBerkeley 2017 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Power of Friendship
I have a question to ask you. If life were to throw you a major curveball, who would you turn to? Because I heard about a man in San Francisco last week that came home and when he opened up the door to his house, his wife yelled, “Pack your bags, I won 25 million dollars in the lottery!” The man says, “25 million dollars, oh my God, I’m so happy, where are we going?”
And his wife says, “I don’t know where you’re going, buddy, but you can’t stay here anymore.” The ancient Greek playwright Euripides wrote, “One loyal friend is better than 10,000 relatives.” 2,300 years later, Dr. Wayne Dyer said that friends are God’s apology for your family.
Today I’m going to talk about the critical importance that friends have on your happiness. My name is Mike Duffy. I’ve written five books on happiness, including “The Happiness Book” and “The Happiness Book for Kids.” Because there was so much bad news in the world, I founded the Happiness Hall of Fame.
We encourage, celebrate, recognize people and organizations that make other people happy. Members include Muhammad Ali, Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity, the San Francisco Giants, the Golden State Warriors, Reggie Jackson, Carlos Santana’s Milagro Foundation, Make-A-Wish, the Wounded Warrior Project, Klay Thompson, do you guys know who that is here? Roger Staubach, Kristi Yamaguchi, and of course the reason why we’re all here today, the curator of TED, Mr. Chris Anderson.
The Importance of Happiness
He’s a great man. Now, I do have my favorites, and one of my favorites is the great Dolly Parton.
And when she sent me her video acceptance speech, she said, “People come up to me all the time and say, ‘Dolly, are you always happy?'” And she says, “Happy? This isn’t happiness, it’s my Botox.” I love her.
Now, why should you choose to be happy? And happiness is a choice. Well, science says that happy people live longer, they get sick less often, they’re more successful, they’re more apt to get married, and they’re more apt to have friends. When I was writing the happiness book for men, I asked Dr. Daniel Gilbert from Harvard, who has one of the most watched TED Talks of all time, how the average person can increase their happiness.
The Power of Relationships
And he said, “If I were to choose one nugget from all of the scientific research on happiness, I would say have good relationships. We’re the most social beings on the planet, and it’s not surprising that our happiness depends mightily on the strength and number of ties to other people.” If given the terrible choice of having to lose one’s eyesight or one’s friends, most people would choose their friends.
But that would be a bad choice, because blind people are perfectly happy people, but friendless people are not. My best friend in the whole world is sitting right there, my wife Shannon. She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s funny, and her favorite story is the story of our new washing machine.
Humor in Relationships
So we get this fancy washing machine, I’m standing there one Saturday in front of it in the laundry room, trying to figure it out, and I yelled to Shannon, I said, “Shannon, what setting should I use to wash my shirt?” And she yells back from the kitchen, “Well, what does your shirt say?” “The New York Jets.” I told her if she ever leaves me, I’m coming with her.
You know, I’m very excited because I have two slides of the latest scientific research on behavior and friendship. Now it’s kind of dry, technical stuff, very high-level stuff. It deals with hedonic happiness, which is pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain.
Friendship Behaviors
So I hope you can get it. Here it is, according to the latest researchers. This is how you behave eating with a new friend. And you can tell Professor Puddles the cat is just not into this friendship.
And this is how you behave eating with an old friend. Incidentally, that’s how I look every New Year’s Eve morning. Because friendship is so critical to your happiness, I challenge all of you here today to make one new friend by the end of the year. And here are some ways that you can do that.
Making New Friends
Number one, try volunteering. When you volunteer at a soup kitchen or at a hospital or at a school, you’re going to meet good people. And that’s who you want to make friends with, good people. Also, volunteering is good for your eudaimonic well-being, which is the happiness that you receive when you take care of others.
With a noble purpose and looking out for others, you will thrive. My simple sustainable happiness formula is P plus P equals H. Purpose plus progress equals happiness. If you want to make four friends, you can also become a friend to the friendless.
Changing the World
I know that most of you here today want to change the world for the better. And this is a way that you can do that. Let me lay some science on you. According to a very famous study, they were looking at dominoes and they found that a domino can knock over another domino that’s one and a half times its size.
So a five-millimeter domino can knock over a seven and a half millimeter domino and on and on. This is an example of exponential power. If you start with just a five-millimeter domino and had 29 progressively larger dominoes, you can knock down the Empire State Building. So if you were to befriend and mentor an orphan, let’s say, who knows what that child will go on to do?
The Power of Mentorship
So, you know, I have a heart for orphans and a lot of people don’t know this, but Babe Ruth, Eleanor Roosevelt, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Ray Charles were all orphans. Some very important friend in their life helped mentor them, bring out their talents, and they changed the world forever. If you’re like me, I love sports and I’ve coached for a number of years.
My favorite coaching story has to do with me coaching my son’s first grade basketball championship game. Let me paint you a picture. So we’re only up by two points. There’s six seconds left and their best player on the other team is about to take the ball out at midcourt.
A Coaching Memory
I send my son Mikey up to guard him. When their player goes right, Mikey goes right. When their player goes left, Mikey goes left. He’s on them like wet on rain.
The time expires. He doesn’t get a shot off. We win the game. The crowd goes nuts. I rush the court and I pick up Mikey and I hold him and I say, “Mikey, I love you.”
The Power of Positive Thinking
And he hugs me even tighter and he whispers in my ear, “Dad, I love you with all my heart. You’re the greatest coach in the world.” Now, in reality, he said, “Put me down. You’re embarrassing me.” But this is my memory and I will remember this memory however I choose.
Above all, be lighthearted, stay positive, choose to be happy, make sure that you have a great diverse group of friends from all backgrounds and cultures. Don’t deny yourself all that this big, beautiful world has to offer. You see, you are all the authors of the stories of the rest of your life.
Make that story one of amazing adventure, abundant giving, unlimited joy, unrelenting passion, true significance, noble purpose, real love, incredible friendships and pure happiness. Thank you.