The Danger of Fearing Death: Richard Holm (Transcript)

Here is the full transcript of Richard Holm’s talk titled “The Danger of Fearing Death” at TEDxBrookings conference.

Richard Holm’s talk, “The Danger of Fearing Death,” explores the profound impact that the fear of death has on individuals and society. Through personal anecdotes and professional experiences as a physician, Holm emphasizes the importance of embracing life and facing the inevitability of death with dignity and courage.

He argues that the fear of death often leads to missed opportunities for meaningful connections and experiences. Holm encourages open conversations about death to mitigate fear and enhance the quality of life. Ultimately, he advocates for a mindset shift towards acceptance and appreciation of every moment, underscoring the peace and fulfillment found in acknowledging our mortality.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

Let me share my story, how I realized all is well with my soul. In one famous interview, Mother Teresa, the interviewer, asked, “How do you pray?” “I listen,” was her response. “And what does God say in return?” the interviewer asked. “He listens,” was the answer. Consider the great good that comes from listening. I believe listening for God is listening with hope for life.

Embracing Life Amidst Fear

Today, I’m advising that you can best listen for life when you learn to escape the harm from fearing death. My story explains why I want to make this point. As a physician, I have tried to practice what I preach. I’ve lived a healthy lifestyle of moving more, eating less, connecting with people. It’s a recipe to live forever. However, just about a year ago, my belly started aching, and I became the color of a pumpkin.

We thought gallbladder disease was the diagnosis, but when the surgeon operated to remove my gallbladder, she discovered pancreatic cancer blocking my bile duct. Since then, I’ve had over four months of strong triple chemotherapy, two months of radiation therapy, and finally in May, the doctors performed the Whipple procedure. They cut out the head of the pancreas that had the cancer, a third of the stomach, half of the bile duct, a foot or more of small intestine, and a big chunk of connective tissue that included all of the lymph nodes in that area.

Here’s the before and after. There’s been some rough seas, but I’m recovering.

Contemplating Mortality

In my case now, I have something like a 50-50 chance of a cure, and the same chance that the cancer will return and bring about my death, although in this case, I hope I have a few years. So, I have a good reason to be doing some thinking about my own death. Fredrik Backman, a Swedish author, said in his wonderful book, “A Man Called Ove,” and I recommend it, “Death is a strange thing. Most people live their whole lives as if it doesn’t exist.” I believe he’s right.

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We pretend death doesn’t exist because many of us are gut-wrenchingly terrified of it. So why are we so afraid? Is this disabling dread from our cultural habit of avoiding dying or dead people in the hospital, the nursing home, or the funeral home? Is it because we don’t talk about death in conversations with our children? I ask you, by keeping the sad truth from our youth, trying to make life easier for them, are we instead filling them with the fear of death?

Isn’t it true that the fear of the unknown is almost always worse than something familiar? Is it because people of all ages have gotten used to such advances in medicine that we expect modern health care to save us from death, even in the face of terminal or aging diseases, even when all is futile? Or is it because sometimes people who are treated way beyond any chance of recovery experience such severe suffering that when we see that suffering, we become even more fearful of death?

Personal Observations and Lessons

Fear is hard-wired in our brains to keep us from harm, but fear can sometimes make us turn and run away from a rational approach to avoiding danger. Or it can also cause complete paralysis while danger just smacks us flat in the face. I have helplessly watched some patients’ fear of death bring on suffering. For example, a 55-year-old woman who had seen a relative with breast cancer suffer miserably was diagnosed with her own breast cancer. Because of her fear of a similar fate, and despite my explanations, the woman avoided appropriate and effective treatment, resulting in her death after less than a year.

Her cancer looked just like that. With standard, acceptable, and effective treatment, she likely would have had many years of comfortable life which were lost because of her fear. Another example, a 45-year-old airplane pilot came into the Atlanta VA hospital with back pain. When we diagnosed cancer of the lungs spread to the bones of his back, he sank into a black hole of funk and sadness so deep that he avoided visits from his family who loved him. He eventually slipped away alone, still immersed in regret, panic, and sadness.

Embracing Life in the Face of Death

Fear of death is not only dangerous, it can reduce the quality of the time you have left. In contrast, a 63-year-old biology professor from SDSU was discovered with widely metastatic colon cancer years ago, and after failed chemo, it was time to enter hospice, let him enjoy some time, and change the focus to comfort care. He loved his family, his students, and job, but as a biologist and a birder, he loved all living things, and the world that surrounds us.

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His was the opposite of the black hole. Everyone nearing this guy felt his glowing spirit and his birdsong of love. When he died, he was surrounded by family and friends, spirited connection to the whole world and all that’s in it.

Lessons from Personal Loss

He died with dignity, pure class, and grace.

So, we come back to my case. First, I need to share with you some memories of my sister Susan, who died at 19 years of age. She taught me two powerful lessons. When Susan died in a car crash, I was 16, just returning from a Boy Scout canoe trip. I’ll never forget the sadness of the moment, walking into our house, filled with what seemed like half the wonderful town of DeSmet, caring, loving, to find my mom and dad there grieving.

It was near the end of that summer, but the beginning of a long period of mourning for my family and me. First lesson, I realized how important support from a community can be. It came from our friends, our neighbors, our community, church, as well as people we barely knew. It was like the warm feathers of a loving and experienced community wrapped around us. It seemed more like their presence than their words that mattered. The love of that community gave me the strength and the compassion and taught me to give back to others when people need help.

Valuing Each Moment

Second lesson, her death changed how I saw life. She was a person with such zest, so full of life. She did a Snoopy dance, I mean, almost all of her days. She loved life. Death, for any of us, might be brief or shortened like hers, and so it’s so very important to savor every moment. Why shouldn’t we cherish every day? After all, what is the downside? We’re all going to die. Enjoying every moment as well as we can will not carry it on, and fearing death will not prevent it.

I’m not saying cover up the fear of death with drugs or alcohol or pretend celebration. That might just bring death sooner. I am saying savor the moment. I don’t know how it will be when I die, but I think as a physician, I am aware and prepared as any. I have a lifetime of caring for the aged or the very sick who are near at the end of their lives. It’s been my job all these years to help them through the dying process when it is inevitable.

I should add, I don’t believe my profession always provides enough comfort in these times. Physicians and nurses are often overzealous because they can be running from their own fear of death too. And of course, giving comfort can take time. It’s simply easier just to do everything. Full resuscitation, full steam ahead.

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Another take home message of this talk, no matter what your age, you need all of you to talk to your family about letting go when it’s time to die.

Living Fully

An official document is good, but the talking with your family is most important. Although what happens after we die is beyond understanding, the potential dangers of fearing death are real, whether you’re an elderly person dying from heart failure, lung disease, pancreatic cancer, or a perfectly healthy younger person sitting comfortably in your chair listening to a TEDx talk.

Here’s another take home message, by facing your own eventual death, you’re better prepared to live. After hearing of my cancer, a psychologist minister friend of mine from afar wrote me and said, “How is your soul with all of this and how should I pray for you?”

Here is my answer. I would ask you to pray that each one of us learn to better see and accept our own dying process and to let go of all that fear. And then we can learn to savor every day, every moment. As for me, my faith surrounds me like the wings of a mother hen. I’m okay with dying. I’m trying to put it off as long as I can, but I’ll be alright if it happens sooner. I am incredibly thankful for an abundant life.

Gratitude and Joy

My job as a physician has given back far more than I could ever give. I still love and play with gusto. I gather all the humor and fun I can have with every juncture. And I try to Snoopy dance my days away every day. I am surrounded by dear friends, the love of a wonderful spouse, and honest, creative kids. I direct an interdenominational choir that sings hymns weekly to people in need to help them savor a moment.

Indeed, I’ve been listening as hard as I can for life, which helps me face my own impending death. I believe God is listening, and maybe Mother Teresa too. And I realize rough seas can still come, but all is well with my soul.