Read the full transcript of Chris Pineda’s talk titled “The Power of A Gesture: Why Transformation Is Caught, Not Taught” at TEDxRaleigh 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Power of a Transformational Greeting
CHRIS PINEDA: When was the last time that you shook somebody’s hand? Can you remember it? Maybe it was today. Did it carry any major significance to you or was it simply a greeting?
Now, if you’re like most, we usually don’t remember the last time that we shook somebody’s hand. And if we do, it likely doesn’t carry much meaning anyway. This isn’t to say the handshake is not an important gesture in our culture in the West. It certainly is.
Most important moments like getting a diploma, getting a job, or most commonly the beginning and end of a business transaction. But that’s just it. It’s a transaction. There’s no argument that the handshake in and of itself is a transactional gesture.
But why am I saying all of this? Because even a few short years ago, a global pandemic revealed to us how shallow and transactional a handshake could be when it went extinct for a time. And for many of us, it still is. But I’m sharing this because I want to introduce an idea to you today that we break free from the essence of the transactional handshake and embrace a more transformational one.
The Asia-Pacific Greeting
Now this gesture specifically is from the Asia-Pacific islands. And it’s been around for many, many years. It’s specific to my culture and my heritage. It’s withstood the tests of time, this gesture and this greeting.
It’s even withstood events throughout history like colonization. And it actually means the same to me today as it did my ancestors hundreds and even thousands of years ago. But most importantly, it can help us grasp this concept, which is that transformation is caught, not taught.
Now before I share this gesture with you, I think it’s important we explore a little bit more about why the handshake is so transactional, okay, and why that actually might be a problem.
The Problem with Transactional Leadership
A number of years ago, a philanthropist asked me to help them create change in their community. The deal was they would provide the resources and I would do the work. We had this idea that if we could bring leaders from across all sectors together to build relationships of trust, to innovate and to collaborate in transformational ways, that a couple things might happen. One, we’d raise the tide of leadership in our community. And two, we might potentially find transformational solutions to some of our community’s biggest challenges.
Now, it didn’t take long for me to realize how difficult that task would be. But more importantly, I started to see a massive problem in leadership. Just like the handshake, leaders are too transactional.
And we don’t like to admit it as leaders, but it’s the truth. And oftentimes, we don’t even see it. But I would witness this over and over again as I’d come to community gatherings where people would collaborate on the surface, but beneath it all, they’d have their own agendas, alternative motives and their own self-interest at heart. And these were good people that meant well.
And I don’t think this was on purpose. It was simply out of habit and perhaps not knowing that there might be a better way. And I thought it started with the handshake. So let me share a moment where I first started to realize this.
I was invited as a guest to participate in a community gathering. All the movers and shakers were invited. I arrived early. I’m sitting there waiting for the meeting to start, and I’m observing what’s going on around me.
There’s light music playing, people mingling. There’s some laughter, some smiles, small talk, and a lot of handshakes. And I’m sitting there judgmental, a bit cynical actually, thinking, I know all these people. I’ve been to dozens of these.
It’s the same thing every time. They dress nice. They say nice things. They show up. They go through the motions. But at the end of the day, they don’t really mean it. Like, they don’t mean this. This is just a show. It’s just for play. This isn’t real.
And then by accident, I make eye contact with a leader from across the room. Now this leader was well-known in the community, somebody that I was not particularly fond of. I didn’t hate them. I just didn’t really like them. And of course, they had no idea I felt that way. And they start making their way towards me.
And without hesitation, I stand up to greet them, reach out my hand with a smile on my face, and we shake hands. And then these were the words out of my mouth, “It’s nice to see you.” Now you know that I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean it at all.
But here I was engaging in this simple gesture of a handshake, saying a nice thing, and then it was over. Now I sat down. The meeting began. I had made a couple of profound realizations that day.
The first was, you can probably guess it, how much of a fraud I was. Like, I was a fraud. I couldn’t even shake somebody’s hand and mean it. And I’m sitting here judging everybody, and I’m more guilty than all of them.
And then I realized this, that we cannot expect transformational outcomes in our community if we begin our collaborative efforts and our interactions off with the transaction of a handshake. The old saying, “You’ll reap what you sow,” comes to mind. The transaction will just produce more transactions, and we’ll struggle getting deep enough where transformation resides. And in that moment, I thought of a potential solution, and this is this gesture that I thought of.
The Ongo: Sharing the Breath of Life
Now my dad, he’s from the Philippines. And all throughout the Philippines and Asia-Pacific islands, they don’t quite shake hands like we do here.
In fact, you’ll see a lot more hugging, kissing on the cheeks, things of that nature. But specifically, there’s an indigenous greeting.
And it’s done in formal settings and even informal ones as well. Now in the Philippines, it goes by different names. In the Philippines, one of the dialects, they call it Ongo, U-N-G-G-N-O, Ongo. In Hawaii, it’s called Honi. In Samoa, it’s called Asogi. And in New Zealand, my Maori friends, they call it Hongi.
And while it goes by different names amongst all the island nations, it essentially means the same thing, which is to share the breath of life. And it’s done by pressing your forehead and your nose to another, and with your eyes closed, taking a deep and intentional breath with them.
So I’m thinking of this gesture, and I think to myself, what if I would have greeted this individual that way? Okay? Now, sure, it’s not accepted perhaps in the culture, but I start to think, what if I would have greeted them this way? What would have changed for me?
And just in thinking about that, everything started to change for me. They started to be more real to me. And I developed this desire to share this with as many leaders as possible in our community. But first, I wanted to make sure that it honored and respected the culture and norms here in the West, but also respect the culture of my ancestors.
Introducing the Ongo to Leaders
Now fortunately for me, a couple of months after that moment, I’d have the opportunity to do so. I was running a leadership retreat with 15 of the most influential leaders in our community for three days. And I was determined that this was going to be the moment that I would share this gesture, and then metaphorically invite them to do it. Now I say metaphorically, because even as I explained it a moment ago, some of you might have been uncomfortable with the idea, right?
The thought of pressing your forehead and your nose to another, and then breathing the same air as them, I understand that that could be uncomfortable. So it was only going to be a metaphorical solution. That was it. Now on the final day, I pulled aside one of my dear friends who was part of the group, been friends for a while, and I asked him, I said what I wanted to do, and I asked him, “Hey, would you be willing to do this gesture with me to demonstrate it, to show the group?”
And he of course agreed happily. We came back to the group, I explained it and set it up just like I have all of you, and then we proceeded to do this. It was powerful. This is my dear friend Salam.
This man, typically very stoic, was overcome with emotion. Without prompting, I didn’t ask him to do this, he turned to the group and tried to share with them this almost instant connection and sense of responsibility towards me, similar to how he feels towards his own family. There was not a dry eye in this room. Then to my surprise, one of the leaders raised their hand and said, “Would you be okay if we tried this with each other?”
I couldn’t believe it that they actually wanted to try it, but of course I agreed. And then I witnessed one of the most incredible moments of my life as these leaders stood up and one by one did the Ongo with each other. And that day together they shared the breath of life. That moment was so much different than any handshake that I’ve ever seen.
And for just a few minutes that day, that group of leaders realized what it meant to catch transformation. Since that day, those same leaders have been inseparably connected to this day and it’s been years ago. We’ve worked with hundreds of leaders and organizations since then and I’ve always integrated the power of this gesture, the power of Breath of Life, only as a metaphor before I do anything else with them. And I’ve seen it transform relationships, impact organizations, and spread an incredible ripple effect throughout our community that I could spend hours up here telling you about.
But I ask, what does this mean for all of you right now? What does this mean for you? Because my invitation remains to break free from the transactional essence of the handshake and embrace the power of this gesture. Now maybe not literally, some of you are going to have to keep shaking hands.
You’re going to greet people the way that you always have, but what if you did it with this intent behind? To share the breath of life with them, to see them. What might change for you? In fact, let’s try it right now.
I want you all to close your eyes, okay? Whether you’re here in person or online, I want you to close your eyes and just think about some things with me, okay? With your eyes closed, picture and think of a relationship in your life, a relationship that needs more trust, one that needs to be stronger. Think of that person.
Who are they to you? A family member, a friend, a colleague? What’s their name? Picture their face. What facial features do they have? What color are their eyes? What color is their hair? What facial features do they have that you typically don’t notice?
Now I want you for a moment to look past all of their imperfections that you know they have and lean in slowly and gently press your forehead and your nose to theirs. And with your eyes closed, take a deep and intentional breath with them, Ongo with them. You can open your eyes. What would happen if you greeted them this way?
For some of you, what’s happened right now? Maybe you felt something, maybe you haven’t. Either way, I encourage you next time you see them to greet them this way, even if it’s only metaphorical, and see how it might help you catch transformation because my message is simple today. Transformation is caught, not taught.
And despite all my efforts reading, writing, researching, and attempts at teaching transformational change over the years, I have not found anything as powerful as this gesture to help people begin catching transformation. Now admittedly this solution is going to be uncomfortable for a lot of people, but transformation was never a comfortable pursuit to begin with. In closing, I Ongo with each of you, I share the breath of life with you, I see you, all of you, and I hope that you feel that. In the words of my father’s native tongue, which is “Until we meet again,” thank you.
