The Real Reason Relationships Fail: Abby Medcalf (Transcript)

Here is the full transcript of relationship maven Abby Medcalf’s talk titled “The Real Reason Relationships Fail” at TEDxOneonta 2019 conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

Solving Age-Old Mysteries

I’m going to end three age-old mysteries for you. These are problems that have plagued the human condition for decades, and I’m going to put them to rest right now. Are you ready? The correct position for the toilet seat is down. Toilet paper should absolutely roll from the top, and forks should be placed in the dishwasher with the tines up so they can clean properly.

Now how have I, how do I know these facts, how have I solved these great dilemmas of our time? Is it my PhD and two master’s degrees? I’m a Jew from New York, all we do is go to school, right? Is my PhD in the proper loading of dishwasher cutlery? Is it my over 30 years of working directly with people and counseling them? No. It’s because I’m a control freak and I know my way is right.

I can also tell you what the correct temperature in my home should be. My man gets that wrong a lot too. And see, there’s the problem. My partner doesn’t actually agree with all these facts I just laid out.

The Problem with Taking Sides

He thinks forks should go in the dishwasher tines down, I know, the fool, right? We both have excellent arguments for the best way to deal with forks, but at the end of the day, I have my side and he has his. And you do this in your relationship. You think there’s one right way to drive to your favorite restaurant for dinner.

Someone thinks there’s too many decorative pillows on your bed. And someone in this room has made the divorce worthy mistake of taking the knife directly from the peanut butter into the jelly. And you will have epic battles about these small things because at the end of the day, you have your side and your partner has theirs.

Taking sides is serious business in relationships. When we take sides like this, we start examining all the things our partners are doing or not doing and comparing it to all the things we’re doing, which, of course, are always more and better. We say things like, “You need to pull your weight around here and, you know, pick up some slack. Or, hey, it’s your turn to put away the dishes.” Do you hear yourself? It’s your turn. If you’re taking turns in your relationship, I can tell you right now, you’re in big trouble. We take turns in games. If you’re treating your relationship like a game, it’s not good.

The Consequences of Competition

When we do this, we’re keeping score and we set ourselves and our partners up on opposite teams. And if we’re on opposite teams, it means someone’s going to win and someone’s going to lose. And you’re not cheering for their team to win. How do you expect to have a close, trusting relationship when there’s this undercurrent of competition, when there’s this undercurrent of someone losing, that if you get more of something, I get less?

ALSO READ: Laurie Betito on The Pleasure Principle: The Secret to a Better Sex Life at TEDxMontrealWomen (Transcript)

And that’s why we say things like, “Great, you went out with your friends on Friday, so I get to go out with mine on Saturday. Or, oh, I’m so happy you got that promotion at work, I guess I’ll just be stuck at home taking care of the kids.” We compete for time, money, and emotional resources. But you can’t have an intimate, emotionally close relationship based on competition. And this is the reason relationships fail.

And I’m not just talking about divorce. I’m sure most of you know the divorce rate in the U.S. hovers somewhere around 50% and is even higher for second and third marriages. But what you might not know is that it’s estimated that 60% of people are unhappy in their marriages. Because when we’re competing, we’re not in true partnership, so we end up feeling resentful, unappreciated, and dissatisfied. Now I’ve been studying relationships for the last 34 years. And I can see some of you have stopped because you’re trying to figure out my age.

The Power of Being a Shared Resource

So I’ll tell you that I’m 54 so we can move on. So I’ve been studying relationships for all this time and meticulously tracking people’s progress. And I’ve discovered one simple but profound concept that completely changes the game, that stops all this competition, that moves couples from disconnected, lonely, and frustrated to deep connection, trust, and ease. And that one thing is to understand that you and your partner are one shared resource.

Since you’re a shared battery, taking energy from your partner is taking energy from yourself. When you look to your partner to take on tasks and to do things in the house, you both end up exhausted. And there is no room left for compassion, patience, or God forbid, some rock star sex. Your partner can’t take things off your plate because it’s the same plate.

You’re just moving around the mashed potatoes. When we’re competing, we’re not in true partnership. So we’re left feeling dissatisfied, lonely, and rejected. So what can we do? Well, you can start to think about how to change that plate, how to stop looking to your partner to take things off of it. And we’re told a lot that our relationships are 50-50. We’re sort of entrenched in this mindset for a long time. And we end up thinking that it’s a simple addition problem in some way.

Relationships Are Multiplication Problems

And that, you know, one half, our better half, our other half, plus me, equals this whole relationship, right? We’ve been hearing this our whole life. And the problem is that that’s a lie. Anyone who’s been in a relationship for more than five minutes will tell you that it is not simple addition, right?

Relationships are complex.

They are exponential. They are synergistic. They’re actually multiplication problems. And when you have a half times a half, you end up with a quarter. Two half people in a relationship, and you end up with less than you started with. And you know I’m telling the truth because you’ve been there, some of you more than once.

ALSO READ: Transcript: What 85 Years of Research Says Is The Real Key To Happiness - Robert Waldinger

So if you want a whole relationship, and we know it’s a multiplication problem, what do we have to do? We need a whole person times a whole person to get this whole relationship. Make sense? So, but I know what some of you are thinking right now. You’re going, “Well, Abby, that’s very nice, except my partner won’t change.

You Can Change Your Relationship on Your Own

My partner won’t work on their one.” I’ve got great news for you. You can completely transform your relationship, even if your partner won’t do one thing. There’s a but, there’s a catch. But you have to change first. The one in the most pain always needs to change first. So how you do that change is really important.

And I’m sure some of you have tried to change your relationships before, yeah, and made some changes, but then you kind of went back into old patterns and behaviors. And that’s because you weren’t doing it the quote unquote right way. There’s a secret to it that no one tells you. And what it is, is this. Our conscious brains process information at a rate of 50 bits per second, while our unconscious brains process information at a rate of 11 million bits per second.

I want you to think of that for a minute, 50 versus 11 million. So you’ll learn a good, great tool. You’ll come to a wonderful TED talk and hear something incredible. And consciously you’ll think, “Yeah, I’m going to do that in my relationship.

Aligning Your Conscious and Unconscious

That’s a great, that’s a really good thing. I’m going to go work on that.” But unconsciously what’s happening below the surface that you don’t even realize is all of your doubt. You’ve said things to yourself like, “You know, our problems are big. They’ve been going on a really long time. So that little tool, Abby said, that’s not going to work for me. That would work for other people.” And I’m here to tell you that that’s not how it works, that it actually will work for you.

But you have to align these pieces. You have to start really thinking about how to get the 50 and the 11 million together. And when you’re thinking these things, when you’re full of doubt, anxiety, worry, resentment, anger, all that, that’s what your partner’s picking up on. They’re not picking up on the great tool. They’re picking up on this other stuff. So what happens is they don’t change. They don’t do anything different because they get that something is off and wrong. Your partner doesn’t hear what you say.

Giving 100% in Your Relationship

They hear what you mean. So what you need to do is line up what you mean and what you say, right? Your actions, all that stuff has to line up. And it’s difficult sometimes to think about how to do that. I’m sure a lot of you are like, “Well, what’s next?” Well, the good news is there’s a simple and easy way to do that. And that is to give 100%.

ALSO READ: Purposeful Travel: Joshua Berman at TEDxBoulder (Full Transcript)

100%. Hold nothing back. No keeping score. No thinking what the other person’s doing. No complaining about what they’re doing. No comparing what they’re doing to what you’re doing. Just leaving that all at the door and starting to really focus on being 100% in your relationship. Every day to wake up with that. Now if you were at a job and you gave 50%, would you expect raises and promotions? Why not? Your relationship is no different. Putting in 100% is the key to creating a truly happy and emotionally connected relationship. And notice I didn’t say 150%.

Being the Change You Want to See

That’s called codependency. No one needs to do that. But 100% effort, love, compassion, warmth, humor, thoughtfulness every single day. Instead of complaining about something that you want your partner to do, I want you to take 100% responsibility and do it yourself.

If you want to see more love in your relationship, be more loving. If you want to see more kindness, more compassion, be more compassionate and kind. What happens when we start to do this is that your one will shine very bright. That one that is you will light up. And your partner will be drawn to you like a moth to the flame. When you do this, when you really live in this way, you become a warm center in your home.

And I have to tell you folks, it can be a cold world out there, no? It can really feel like our homes are the only place that are safe. And that’s what I want it to feel for everyone in this room. I want your partner to be able to come home and warm their hands, relax and feel cherished because of that 100% you’re putting in. Great relationships aren’t built in a day. Great relationships are built daily.

Start Giving 100% Today

So to do this every day, I want you to wake up each day and I want everyone to start doing it tonight. Not tomorrow, not on Monday, not the first of next month, tonight. Start thinking of how you can put in your 100% every day consistently. Remember, it’s that consistency every single day because when you do that, you will find that this comes back to you, this love, the compassion, all those things come back to you tenfold. There is great love here for you. Thank you so much.