The Real Reason We Punish Children—And What To Do Instead: Dr. Chrissy Chard (Transcript)

So I had all kinds of examples of times I’d yelled at my own kids or taken away something that they loved out of punishment.

And it was then that I started feeling pretty guilty. Now, we’re going to get into this topic around punishment. But before we do, I want to say something really important, which is that none of what I’m about to say means that if you use punishment, you’re somehow a bad person. I used that example at the beginning of when I got punished, and I have the furthest thing from bad parents.

Rethinking Punishment

What I am inviting us to do over these next several minutes is to be open to considering what the impact is on young people of consistently using punishment. And when I say punishment, I’m talking about this belief that the way to change someone’s behavior is by imposing external consequences or taking away something important to someone. In our Western culture, punishments are nearly synonymous with the word discipline. And truthfully, using punishments to discipline is so incredibly common, many of us have never really paused to consider why we punish in the first place.

Some of you might think, well, I always got yelled at when I got in trouble. Maybe others of you are trying to keep the young people in your lives from making the same mistakes that you did. Or if you’re like me, you simply never pause long enough to even consider whether punishments actually get us the outcome that we want. But what is the outcome that we want?

The Desired Outcome: Flourishing

What do we desire for the young people in our lives? In the spirit of our theme of flourishing, I think that’s what most of us want. That young people grow up as thoughtful humans with a strong moral compass and sense of self who know that they are worthy of being known and loved just as they are, mistakes and all. But if that’s the outcome we want, it begs the question, what impact do punishments have on young people flourishing?

The Negative Impact of Punishment

Well, as I continued to hear more and more of these stories from young people, at the same time, I had this growing gut feeling that the way I was punishing my own kids didn’t feel good. I knew there had to be a better way, so I began learning as much as I possibly could. And having done that, I’ve come to really understand how it is that the consistent use of punishment actually gets in the way of young people flourishing. And here’s how.

1. First, punishments often impact our ability to tolerate and regulate our emotions, emotion regulation. When that gets shut down, we end up relying on any number of negative coping mechanisms to numb ourselves because the pain, the discomfort feels like too much to handle. We tap out of hardship. Emotion regulation can’t fully develop if we rush to punish without creating space for young people to learn how to tolerate, regulate, even identify their emotions.
2. Second, punishments can pretty significantly impact someone’s confidence and sense of self-worth, perpetuating this vicious cycle whereby someone makes a mistake, gets punished for it, feels ashamed because of that, and then doesn’t feel capable or even worthy of changing. It’s why one student I worked with, who I’m calling Jace, shared with me that they don’t even try to stop smoking anymore because, quote, “I can tell my parents already think I’m hopeless, so what good is it to keep trying? I just hide it better now.”
3. Finally, punishments can often hinder the learning process, not ideal if what we’re trying to do is to, quote, “teach a lesson.” Psychology and neuroscience tell us that learning happens best when we’re in a calm, connected, even playful state and not in fight or flight. That physical reaction I mentioned earlier, my sweaty palms and my racing heart, that’s fight or flight, and it’s not a place where learning happens well. When we as adults rush to punish, it very often backfires because we haven’t actually created the safe, nonjudgmental space where self-reflection and problem solving, where true learning can happen.

The Ineffectiveness of Punishment

Going back to that fourth grade geography test, did I learn my lesson and never cheat again? No. In fact, I got caught again in high school. As another student, who I’m calling Tam, candidly shared with me, “When I got suspended last semester, I definitely wasn’t sitting in my room thinking, ‘Wow, mom, dad, and teachers, thanks for teaching me this valuable lesson.’ No. I was in there figuring out how to hide it better.”

And the theme of hiding it better is one that comes up often among the young people I work with. Now, here’s the thing about hiding stuff from us. I hate to admit it, because I know that we as adults like to think that we are really savvy. But the reality is, it is so easy for young people to hide things from us. Plus, more important than that, the more they feel the need to hide things from us, the more we risk that they stop bringing their hard stuff to us altogether. And that can have dire consequences.

I will never forget what one student I’m calling Sage shared with me. “Punishments made me feel like I couldn’t communicate with my parents, and at one point, led me to be a victim of extortion because of some photos I shared. I suffered in silence for fear of being punished, rather than being heard and helped.”

Understanding the Root of Behavior

Here’s the thing, y’all. Young people make mistakes. We all do. But my experience has taught me that nearly 100% of the time, there’s at least a somewhat understandable reason for those behaviors. I’m not saying it’s always justifiable, but I am saying it’s typically understandable. Because underneath every single behavior is a need.

And that went for fourth grade me, too. I cheated on that geography test because somewhere along the line, whether through the media, my teachers, or my family of origin, I got the message that my need to feel valued, a core universal human need, was earned through achievement. Our job as adults in the lives of young people is to get underneath their behaviors and find the root, find the need that underlies it. But we can’t do that if they won’t share their hard stuff with us out of fear of being punished or disappointing us.

What I’ve come to really understand is that it’s actually my job as the adult in their lives to create the conditions where they do feel safe enough to share things with me.

A New Approach: The Three R’s

Now, after working with young people for many years, I’ve shifted my focus a bit to now also working with adults. And because I work with literally hundreds of parents and teachers in my work as a parenting coach and consultant, I know that at least some of you are thinking to yourselves right now, “Okay, Chrissy, but if we don’t punish, how do we get them to stop XYZ behavior?” Well, we’ve already unpacked a bit just how counterproductive punishments can end up being. Because A, it can keep young people from feeling capable and worthy, which are necessary requirements for long-term behavior change. And B, we never actually get at the root underneath.

But others of you might be thinking, so what are we supposed to do instead? I’m glad you asked. The recipe for moving past punishment, for getting underneath behaviors and supporting young people flourishing, has three ingredients. And they all conveniently start with R. It’s about being responsive, reflective, and reparative.

Being Responsive

Let’s start with being responsive, meaning in the moment when young people share with us a mistake they made, the first step always is to take a breath and say, “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m really glad we’re talking about it.” Just like when a close friend confides in us about a mistake they made, we offer compassion, validation, and love. We would never say to someone we care about, “How could you be so careless?” Or “If you can forget hanging out with me this weekend, you’re grounded.”

No, we would say, “That sounds really hard. Thanks for telling me.” Now, when it comes to being responsive, a question I like to follow with is “sharing or solving?” If they just want to share, then being responsive is about not reacting. It’s about listening, deeply listening, which means no interruption or distraction, no advice, and to the best of our ability, avoiding judgment. See, listening is so powerful because do you know what the two things are that young people tell me more than anything else are what they want from the adults in their lives? To feel less alone and to be believed.

Now, if you ask that question, “sharing or solving,” and they say solving, then being responsive happens through collaboration and permission. Another student, who I’m calling Aria, shared with me the very skillful way her dad does this. “He always asks permission before giving me advice, and he’s such a good listener that when we come up with a solution together, it’s usually really good because he was actually listening to what I was feeling.”

Ultimately, being responsive is about trusting that young people are inherently good and want to do well, and that if given the safe, nonjudgmental space to process their emotions and find the need underneath, a solution, which sometimes includes a related consequence, can naturally emerge together.

Being Reflective and Reparative

Now, let’s talk about the other two, being reflective and reparative. Reflection is about the willingness to look inward, to ask ourselves questions like, “What keeps me from being able to stay calm? Why is my default to punish? What am I believing about this young person or about myself when they make mistakes?” And finally, just like those needs that underlie young people’s behavior, “What are the needs underlying my yelling, lecturing, punishing?”

Repair, which, by the way, is one of the most impactful things that we can do with the young people in our lives, is about acknowledging and feeling remorse for the ways we’ve fallen short, forgiving ourselves, and apologizing without buts, not “I’m sorry but,” “I’m sorry and, here’s what I’ll do differently next time.”

A Personal Example

Let’s use an example that I have a decent amount of experience with in my own parenting to illustrate both reflection and repair. One afternoon last weekend, I really got after one of my kiddos for the way they were treating their sister. I got into rage mode, which I’m sure none of you know anything about. I yelled, I threatened to take their device away, and I stormed off into my office. I found myself standing there in front of my picture of this big tree with its roots down deep, and there I was able to come back to the present moment where the reflection happened.

I started with a breath, that’s the key always, a breath, and a quick self-check in. “Oh, Chrissy, where did that come from?” Well, we’d been stuck at home sick for several days on end. I had this upcoming TEDx talk that I was really thinking a lot about. The irony, right? So I put my hand on my heart, and I reminded myself, “It makes sense that you hit your breaking point. You’re still learning too. Parenting is hard, and so is being a kid.”

From there, I moved into repair. I went to find my child, who was in their room crying. You know, that kind where it’s kind of hard to catch your breath. I asked if I could come in, and I sat down next to them. I said, “Hey, I imagine that felt pretty scary when I screamed at you like that. I want to remind you that it’s my responsibility to keep myself calm, not yours. I’m really sorry, and next time, I’ll try to step in a little sooner and check in with you first. Is there anything you want to share with me?”

And do you know what’s remarkable? My child said to me, “Oh, I’m sorry, too, Mom. I just really needed some space. I think I’ll go check in on my sister.”

Conclusion: It’s Never Too Late

Now, if there is one thing I want you to take away and really hear me on this, it’s that it is never too late to start taking this approach. It works whether you’re a teacher, and you snapped at some students yesterday after seeing their exam scores. Or you’re a parent, and you’ve been using punishment their entire life. See, this approach is so powerful because through the process, young people come to trust us and themselves.

Because the truth is, they are right to notice that punishments don’t feel good. When we can be responsive, reflective, and reparative, we build the kind of relationship where the young people in our lives keep turning to us for support, right now when they’re 6, or 12, or 18, and also when they’re 28, and 38 as well.

I want to leave us all with an invitation. Let’s all choose one of those three R’s, responsive, reflective, and reparative. And over the next couple of days, let’s practice that with someone in our life. And then, if you’re really feeling up to it, ask them to share with you how that felt.

As we wrap up, I want us to zoom out and consider the bigger picture of taking this approach. Because while this shift toward more compassion and openness starts inside of our relationships and homes and schools, the impact of taking this approach is far-reaching. Because what we are really doing when we listen to the young people in our lives and we foster these beliefs of goodness and worthiness is we are humanizing one another, including ourselves. And what we need more than anything right now is to see the goodness and the humanity in one another. Thank you.

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