This Past Weekend: #657 w/ Bobby Lee (Transcript)

Omakase.

THEO VON: Well, hold on, let’s sound it out. Oma.

BOBBY LEE: Oma.

THEO VON: Kase.

BOBBY LEE: Which is — oma in Korean is mom.

THEO VON: Mom.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: And kase is —

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, a house.

THEO VON: Mom’s house. Okay.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don’t know what omakase stands for, but I know what it is.

THEO VON: Okay, omakase.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, so do you know what it is?

THEO VON: I do not.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, so an omakase restaurant is a set menu. Yeah, right. And they feed you in order. They’ll tell you what you’re going to get from beginning to end. And generally my rule, if I’m with a date — you know, I have a girlfriend now.

THEO VON: What?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, dude.

THEO VON: Whoa, whoa, dude, what’s happening, dude? So you’re not — so what are you going to do? You’re not going to do what I do, dude?

BOBBY LEE: You know what I’m doing right now, dude?

THEO VON: Why are you doing — if you have a girlfriend?

BOBBY LEE: No, I’m killing myself.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, yeah, that’s omakase.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Choked myself when I kicked myself in the heart, dog. I ain’t jerking off, guy.

THEO VON: Oh good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Long as you ain’t jerking off.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do it 21 times a month though. That’s what I heard.

THEO VON: Masturbate?

BOBBY LEE: Ejaculate?

THEO VON: No.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, because you’ll get testicular cancer.

THEO VON: No. Oh yeah, there’s guys that like — some people, their eyes go bad or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Like mine, huh? Hello? No. Anyway, I’ll say this. You have like —

THEO VON: You look like a bug that played for the Red Hot Chili Peppers right now, dude.

BOBBY LEE: You look good. You look good. I look good, dude. Yeah. I looked real good. 100% is like set menu. So we went to one place.

THEO VON: You look like a fireman, like in San Francisco, kind of a little bit. Yeah, I do.

BOBBY LEE: But I was over — I was in the fire. Yeah, right.

THEO VON: Or you just had something.

BOBBY LEE: I got lost and I’m in the fire, like, I don’t know what to do. That type. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: And you brought just a mouthful of water. Yeah, that’s the gayest thing, dude. If you’re at a fire and a kind of a gay firefighter shows up, he just like is just spitting water out of his mouth or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: You look like an albino raccoon.

THEO VON: Oh yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Anyway, let me finish with the omakase thing and get to my point, dog.

THEO VON: Sorry, dude, I’m interrupting you. Yeah, yeah, I do want to pray.

BOBBY LEE: So anyway, we’ll do the prayer later.

THEO VON: Doug Mai is officially mayor of Chinatown. Chinatown, let’s go!

BOBBY LEE: Can I finish my omakase or —

THEO VON: Yeah, that’s — why do you do this? What do we do? What, we just bring it up?

BOBBY LEE: I know, I understand that, but we’re going into a thing and then you bring up some Chinese firefighter.

THEO VON: He brought that shit up.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, so the Bear Dick did that.

THEO VON: These — I’m not Bear Dick.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Oh, you’re not Bear Dick? That’s Bear Dick. Oh yeah, yeah. What are you? Preemie Nick.

THEO VON: Nick was a premature baby and look how far he’s gone.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah. Did everything get mature? I think my skull size is a little small, but everything else —

THEO VON: Yeah. Anyway, he’s 32 years old, but he’ll never hit 9 months, you know.

BOBBY LEE: So that’s the thing. And we had this — let’s —

THEO VON: We forget, bro.

BOBBY LEE: Let’s — we forget, dude. So we’re at this restaurant and they gave us the bones of a fish and they flavored it like it was a potato chip, but it had the brain, like the eyes and the brain, but just the bones of the fish.

THEO VON: No.

BOBBY LEE: And you had to eat it, right? And it’s like, I ate it and I looked at her and I go, “You just got to eat it, right?” So when a penis comes out, you kiss the tip.

THEO VON: Oh yeah.

BOBBY LEE: That’s basically why I —

THEO VON: Yeah, what? You know, that’s why —

BOBBY LEE: So that’s — well, that’s what I told you before, that when I said that I’ve kissed the tip of a penis, you know what I mean? What do you mean? Well, why do you keep doing that?

THEO VON: It just makes the back of my neck hurt. I know, but it’s just—

BOBBY LEE: It’s a flavor thing.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: I was— that’s how we got into the omakase thing. It’s a flavor thing, dude. Yeah, well, you— if you went to omakase, whatever they gave you, you’d eat it, right?

THEO VON: Try it.

BOBBY LEE: Okay. Yeah, yeah. If they had a penis, we’d kiss it.

THEO VON: It’s like a glory hole for food or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Like yeah! Yeah— a glory hole for food?

THEO VON: Well it’s like whatever’s in there, that’s what you get or whatever…

BOBBY LEE: That’s what you get, yes. So no matter what they give you, I just eat because it’s supposed to be elegant or avant-garde. Avant-garde! Epstein class. You know what I mean?

THEO VON: Yibibi. It’s off the Epstein tasting menu or whatever. Just young fish or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: No, please don’t say that word again. Let’s stop.

THEO VON: Sorry.

BOBBY LEE: Let’s move on. Let’s move on.

THEO VON: We’ll take that out.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe take that out. So basically I don’t know how I got into the pee-pee thing, but let’s do a prayer.

THEO VON: But okay, no, but you said you had tasted a little wiener or something, or you had a little—

BOBBY LEE: Years ago I tasted the tip.

THEO VON: And one, was it on a— what type of person was it on?

BOBBY LEE: Color?

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Or style? Color. Can we go style? Yeah, style.

THEO VON: Rave. Oh, at a rave?

BOBBY LEE: No, a raver.

THEO VON: A raver?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: So you just took a nip off a little raver wing?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: What you’re saying, which—

BOBBY LEE: What you do? Yeah, cultural. Oh yeah, glow sticks. Yeah, you’d have glow sticks, right? Oh, and then you would, right?

THEO VON: And yeah, and then every once in a while they just come out, right?

BOBBY LEE: And you take a little taste of the salty tip. Yeah, dude.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: It’s cultural.

THEO VON: So basically you’ve been on a couple Major Lazer shows is what you’re saying.

BOBBY LEE: That’s exactly— that’s exactly what I’m saying.

THEO VON: Just say that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Say that you never kissed the tip.

THEO VON: Oh, no, man.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. How about you? Have you had opportunities to?

THEO VON: I mean, I’ve definitely— I remember when I was a child, you always try to get a real close gander at your own wiener.

BOBBY LEE: You know, I don’t know Southern language, dude.

THEO VON: I’m sure if you’re a kid, a lot of young— we can’t talk about children, but yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people that haven’t grown up fully will try to like—

BOBBY LEE: I’ve never tried it.

THEO VON: Will try to just—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I never tried it.

THEO VON: I have— I never got— I never—

BOBBY LEE: If I had been raised with yoga, right, and I could bend that way, you know what I mean? Like I had a master. Yeah, as a kid, you know what I mean? Bobby-san, you know, we have to strengthen your spine. Yeah. And you go, why, master? Right, so one day you can kiss your own tip. Oh, right. Like, I never had that master. Yeah, yeah, yeah. F karate. Yeah, yeah. F jiu-jitsu, right?

THEO VON: Karate’s just kicking like invisible people.

BOBBY LEE: I know, it doesn’t work.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Also, in the UFC, you never say he’s a karate guy, right? It’s always jiu-jitsu, right? Yeah. Or boxing or kickboxing, right? Yeah.

THEO VON: It’s never like—

BOBBY LEE: It’s never tai chi.

THEO VON: Yes. Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: No one’s out there at UFC doing tai chi, right?

THEO VON: Am I right?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: So it’s like, yeah, it’s never one of his credits is like his mom wanted him to be able to defend himself, you know.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rarely you see taekwondo in UFC, right? It’s usually boxers, kickboxers, jiu-jitsu guys, wrestlers.

THEO VON: What is some of the stuff Nick knows, actually? So let’s go to Nick on that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I mean, he named all the big ones.

THEO VON: There’s a few select karate guys—

BOBBY LEE: Stephen Wonderboy Thompson, MVP. Yeah, but jiu-jitsu and taekwondo I think are the biggest from traditional martial arts. From traditional, but generally it’s wrestling, kickboxing, boxing, right? 100%. I think Holloway is like one of the best strikers with his hands in the biz, you know what I mean? So it’s— you don’t even know who he is?

THEO VON: I do. Is Max Holloway— he’s actually— he was right— he lives and trains where you just were, right? I know, in Waikiki.

BOBBY LEE: And I smelled his essence around me.

THEO VON: Did you see him?

BOBBY LEE: No, I called him to see if he wanted, you know what I mean? But he was going through something. Yeah, you know, as fighters do. Dear Heavenly Father.

The Prayer

THEO VON: Okay, you want to pray? Let’s do it. What?

BOBBY LEE: That’s— I just started.

THEO VON: Okay, sorry.

BOBBY LEE: Dear Heavenly Father, Lord and Savior, Father of all, thank you so much for the gratitude of the fishes, fish in the sea.

THEO VON: Amen.

BOBBY LEE: And the deep fish like the Greenland shark who lives 500 years, 500 years ago.

THEO VON: Does he really? Sorry, go on.

BOBBY LEE: No, see, that’s what I’m talking about. I forgot. What do you mean? Look at me right now, dude. No, just look at me right now, dude.

THEO VON: Can I open my eyes during the prayer?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, because the prayer stopped because you interrupted. All right, what? Don’t do that.

THEO VON: All right.

BOBBY LEE: All right. Greenland shark. All right. Thank you for the trees, nature. Thank you so much for the war.

THEO VON: What war do you mean, son?

BOBBY LEE: The war within my heart, you know, the war that I want to start with Theo because I did one line in his movie and he put me on the f*ing poster. That’s my prayer, dude.

THEO VON: Sorry, come on.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, as if I was in the movie, he put me straight up in the middle of a movie poster. Dear Lord, when I had one f*ing line. Sorry for swearing, Lord, but I’m very angry. I have a war in my heart.

THEO VON: It’s—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, one line. And no, I’m not done, right? I also had a patch over my face, so most people didn’t even know it was f*ing me, you know. Lord, please give me the forgiveness, you know what I mean, and the solitude and the confinement and the love for Theo. Amen.

THEO VON: Amen. Yeah. Oh, thank you, guys.

BOBBY LEE: Busboys, go watch it in your local theater and video streaming and streaming, you know what I mean?

Bobby on the Movie Poster

THEO VON: Bro, you were—

BOBBY LEE: First of all, no, no, first of all, what? First of all, what? First of all, no, first of all, what? Because let me tell you something, Bardo. I’m going to take my glasses off, dude. Okay, let me tell you something, Bardo.

THEO VON: Take my hat off.

BOBBY LEE: All right, I’ll take my f*ing beanie off.

THEO VON: You will? Yeah. All right, all right, hold on, I’m going to put another hat.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I’m going to put this hat on. All right, why is this hat over there?

THEO VON: I don’t know. This one’s over here.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: And pick that one.

BOBBY LEE: Let me tell you something, but— oh, all right. Okay, I’m not afraid of you. We’re friends. Yeah, we’re friends. We’re deep. Yeah, I mean, we were in the war. Okay.

THEO VON: Yes, we were.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, we was, right?

THEO VON: This hat gives me like Gone with the Wind vibes.

BOBBY LEE: This hat gives me Gone with the Wind vibes. Okay.

THEO VON: Or Gone with the Nguyens.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, Nguyens. Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: You know how you spell that word? N-G-U-Y-N’s?

BOBBY LEE: No, what is it?

THEO VON: Spell it out. N-G-U-Y-N’s. N-G-U-Y-E-N. The most common Vietnamese—

BOBBY LEE: Last name.

THEO VON: Surname, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, Nguyen.

THEO VON: Nguyen. Yeah. Oh, that’s how they said Nguyen. Okay, well, but also a lot of people look that up. A lot of Black people, if they’re asking like, if something’s going to happen, they’ll say that.

BOBBY LEE: What do you mean? What do you mean? That nigga win?

THEO VON: Yeah, like, what’s up, nigga win?

BOBBY LEE: No.

THEO VON: Oh, you’ll be like, dude, are we going or not? And you’ll be like, yeah, nigga win.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, I see.

THEO VON: Don’t you think?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I’ve never heard that. You know what I mean? But yo, what was that party like? You mean that was nigüen like a motherf*er?

THEO VON: Oh no, that’s not it.

BOBBY LEE: I don’t know how to use it.

THEO VON: That’s racial. I’m saying—

BOBBY LEE: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know that wasn’t racial.

THEO VON: This hat seems racial, I think.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, this hat seems very racial. Dude, Bobby, yeah, yeah, yeah, just take the hats off.

THEO VON: We’ll put them back on in a minute.

BOBBY LEE: I’m going to go back. Let’s go back to our regular attire.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, put these on.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to put my glasses on. Let’s get ready. Regular. So it was just a joke. I’m grateful that you used me in the movie.

THEO VON: Yeah, for sure, dude. I wish you weren’t available for more days, for one.

BOBBY LEE: That’s insane.

THEO VON: You were shooting something.

BOBBY LEE: That’s pure insanity. I have nothing going on.

THEO VON: It’s your schedule. This was 18 months ago.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, it was 18 months ago. Yeah. So anyway, I’m glad I wasn’t involved in that. I agree.

THEO VON: We probably should take you off of it. What? I didn’t make this poster, but I did. But I should have said something then. I should have asked you.

BOBBY LEE: No, it’s fine. I mean, you use— you— here’s what it is. If you had a line in my movie, I would put you on the poster.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, because it’s like, you’re a big draw.

THEO VON: But I should have asked you about it though, probably.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, can I be honest with you? Because I like to set boundaries now. Yeah, because I’m on Lexapro and I just got off.

THEO VON: Two ships passing in the night. Why?

BOBBY LEE: Like, through the night of Hormuz, the Strait of Hormuz. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah, we’re just slowly passing through the night.

THEO VON: Yeah, like, we don’t have any oil.

BOBBY LEE: We have no— yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we only have like plastic containers, right? Yeah, right.

THEO VON: We’re just collecting semen.

BOBBY LEE: Yes. Or seeds.

THEO VON: Yeah, we’re collecting seeds.

BOBBY LEE: Seeds and semen.

THEO VON: We’re just— hell, we’re just wandering. We’re lost.

BOBBY LEE: We’re lost. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I don’t even know why we got— oh yeah, we’re passing that. I’m on Lexapro. So, you know, I like to set boundaries, right? And I like to be real. And my—

THEO VON: I want to say something real to you is— I’m ready to hear it. Sorry.

BOBBY LEE: I get it.

THEO VON: I’m ready to hear it, man.

BOBBY LEE: No, I just said it.

THEO VON: Okay.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I mean, so I get the bus bus. It was just a joke, the prayer, right? And, you know, I mean, but I have to admit, when I first saw it, I was annoyed.

THEO VON: Yep.

BOBBY LEE: You know, and I have to tell you that as a friend.

THEO VON: Thank you.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. I’m grateful that, you know, when people ask me to do things, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: But you felt like we were using you.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I mean, but being on set with you guys and having fun— I already expressed myself to Dave, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: I didn’t know that. He didn’t even mention it to me.

BOBBY LEE: No, he showed me it. I was— and in my mind, I didn’t say it then, but later when I saw him, I said it. So then he goes— then he goes, “Next movie you’ll get a bigger role.” Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: This was the much wider used poster, I think.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, here we go. What are you, Pakistan? Huh? You’re Pakistan all of a sudden, trying to be middle?

THEO VON: This dude’s poster.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, nah, dude, right? We’re at war, guy. Yeah, dude, nothing you can do. All right, he has a 15-point plan, I got a 10-point plan, they ain’t mixing, right?

THEO VON: I got a 6-point, I got a 40-point plan.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, it ain’t happening.

Politics and Perspectives

BOBBY LEE: So my point is this, okay, you know, I really like— you know what I mean, because I’ve heard your stance on Rogan. You mean about your feelings toward what’s going on, especially in that area of the region? I really—

THEO VON: In the Middle East?

BOBBY LEE: No, dude.

THEO VON: In Austin.

BOBBY LEE: Alhambra.

THEO VON: Oh, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. You know what’s going on over there?

THEO VON: Yeah, bro.

BOBBY LEE: The bubble shops are shutting down.

THEO VON: We’re shooting pool with J-Rod today.

BOBBY LEE: You follow J-Rod, dude?

THEO VON: He’s the best.

BOBBY LEE: I don’t know J-Rod. My point is, is that I really— I think I agree with you. With a lot of these things that you’re saying. You know, I mean, I don’t say it out loud because, you know, I’m a libtard. I’ve always have and always will be. I’ve always have been. You think so? Oh, yeah.

THEO VON: I mean, we’re all liberal about some stuff. I think we’re all just—

BOBBY LEE: Whatever. Liberal.

THEO VON: Oh, you are?

BOBBY LEE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: No, I’m full-blown.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. I don’t give a f* about no immigration.

THEO VON: I didn’t know that, man. And it’s okay.

BOBBY LEE: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t, you know, I don’t talk about politics, but I just—

THEO VON: Well, you never talk about it.

BOBBY LEE: You never have, never will.

THEO VON: You never do.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. This is the first time I’ve ever brought it up. Yeah, really. And I want to say to you that I like what you’re saying about it. That’s all. Well, it’s confusing.

THEO VON: It’s confusing.

BOBBY LEE: And all you have to do is you have to ask a question and you go, “Why is this happening?” And you do some research, right? And then you figure it out. You have critical thinking and you go— and then you look at the past. And it’s a little confusing, you know, and I have a lot of questions. Why are you looking at me like that?

THEO VON: No, I’m just trying to absorb what you’re saying.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, these are things that you know. Huh? Hello?

THEO VON: No, I’m just saying right now you look like a— kind of like a wasp that listens to 311, kind of.

BOBBY LEE: Why does it— dude, why does it always have to be a put-down?

THEO VON: You’re right.

BOBBY LEE: Sorry. You know what I mean?

THEO VON: Yeah, you’re right.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. I’m giving you a compliment. You look like— I look like a mosquito from some sort of southern land. Yeah.

THEO VON: Dude, you know, put them back on then. I’ll give you better.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, give me another one.

THEO VON: All right, you look like the— oh, you look like the Eighth Dwarf, homie. Yeah, you know what I’m saying? There’s like Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey. Yeah, and Ramen.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, it’s going to be E.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Gooky. No, why? Gooky is not a word, I don’t think. Gooky Monster.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, okay. Where’s the gookies? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Have you seen the gookies around here? Yeah, yeah. Oh, chocolate chip cookies.

THEO VON: Yeah, and it’s just like a Chinese guy with a f*ing handful of chocolate.

A Korean Theo Von

BOBBY LEE: I remember the days of your— back here, I was thinking about some of the stories you told back where you grew up and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And it’s so weird, and I thought to myself, what if there was a Korean Theo Von? That’d be so funny.

Oh, back when I leave, you know, in Busan, we had a guy in our neighborhood. Yeah, we call him Crazy. Left eye was Chinese, right eye was Japanese. We don’t know what— what communist. I mean, that’s like, you know what I mean? Some of your stories, you know what I mean? And the people that you grew up with is so— it’s—

THEO VON: I—

BOBBY LEE: And it’s so, so believable and true.

THEO VON: Would it translate to y’all’s culture, you think? My culture and y’all’s culture?

BOBBY LEE: We have the same fing culture. What the f are you talking about?

THEO VON: What? You know what I’m saying?

BOBBY LEE: No, no, I don’t know what you’re saying. I’m an American. Bobby. No, I’m tired of this s*.

THEO VON: I’m not saying—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you are, Bobby. You’re doing this thing again.

THEO VON: I’ve never done anything.

BOBBY LEE: You’re saying you’re trying to separate us when we’re the same. You and I have the same empathy.

THEO VON: All right.

BOBBY LEE: You’re a very sensitive guy, are you not?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I think that you have a tad bit of ADHD.

THEO VON: Okay.

BOBBY LEE: Okay. And these are things that you— that’s why we’re friends, because I understand these things about you. You know what I mean? And you’re a sensitive, empathetic gay dude. Really?

THEO VON: Whoa, bro.

BOBBY LEE: Oh dude, I mean, let’s be real, huh? And you’ve kissed the tip.

THEO VON: I’ve never had—

BOBBY LEE: Yes, you have. You’ve kissed the tip, dude.

THEO VON: Dude, I never even went by anybody’s wiener in my whole life. One dude was trying to get us to play Navy in his bathtub or whatever, and dude, I f*ing—

BOBBY LEE: I didn’t realize, huh?

THEO VON: I didn’t re-enlist.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, you didn’t really?

THEO VON: All right.

The Draft

BOBBY LEE: No, I wouldn’t, dude. I signed up for the draft for that game. Yeah, I was on that boat, dude. But if you—

THEO VON: If you— who would you fight for if they had a draft?

BOBBY LEE: I mean, here’s the thing, dude. If they— because I’m 54, so they said there’s a draft and we’re extending the age to 55. Yeah, I think I have a compelling reason to get out. What is it? Well, one of them is, is that I will kill more of us than them. And I’ll go in a circle and just do a full circle, right? Yeah, right. And they’re like, “Dude, you killed Jim Frank.” You know what I mean?

THEO VON: Like a little yard waterer.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kill more people than them, right? I also have, you know what I mean, I get hungry real quick. Like some of these boats that are out there, U.S. vessels are out there, they’re running out of food, right? So if I was in a jungle fighting in a war, I would just be biting trees and s*.

THEO VON: Eat meat, whatever.

BOBBY LEE: I mean, I got to eat. I would eat anything. Dude, if you got shot, I’m going to take some.

THEO VON: But what, you eat part of my body?

BOBBY LEE: There’s some.

THEO VON: Well, what part would you have first, you think? Be honest.

BOBBY LEE: The tip, dude.

THEO VON: Ooh, bro, just have it all if you’re going to have it.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, just the tip.

THEO VON: Just if you eat the tip off, dude, it’s going to f*ing look so weird. You’re dead.

BOBBY LEE: Who gives a f*, bro?

THEO VON: I’m a POW, I said.

BOBBY LEE: No, I want— this is what I want.

THEO VON: If I was a POW, yeah, yeah, don’t eat just the half of my wiener.

BOBBY LEE: You know what I would do? I would cut all of it, your testicles and your penis, right? And I would tuck everything inside a hole. And then at your funeral, people are going to go, “Theo was a f*ing trans man.”

THEO VON: Yeah, no, I do tricks, dude. If they— what if I was a trans man and they buried me in a Trans Am, dude?

BOBBY LEE: I’ll be there at the funeral. But no, but dude, that’d be crazy.

THEO VON: Yeah, just don’t—

BOBBY LEE: What would you draft-wise? Would you—

THEO VON: Well, let me finish this up. Did you just threaten to eat my wiener in a fictional—

BOBBY LEE: I was kidding, dude.

THEO VON: Okay. Yeah, yeah, we’ll say that then because this is a comedy podcast. Yeah, I understand that.

BOBBY LEE: You understand that?

THEO VON: But when you show up with your energy— man, what do you mean my energy? Some of it seems today to be a lot and a little bit threatening. Is that fair to say? A little bit, a little bit. Yeah, you say I’m going to have it again, huh? Yeah, you’re just like, I’m going to— yeah, just— yeah, no, when you say I’m just going to nip off the end or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I would never do that, dude.

THEO VON: You know what, but I don’t want to be— I don’t want my wiener to be missing the end of it and people like, “What happened? It got nipped or whatever.”

BOBBY LEE: I do, dude, the honest truth.

THEO VON: Can we say nipped or not?

BOBBY LEE: Absolutely. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would— I wouldn’t nip, right? I wouldn’t lick, you mean? I wouldn’t gargle. Oh, you mean I wouldn’t smell? What are you talking about? What I’m saying, if you died on the— yeah, in the war, okay, and I would literally take your tags. Yeah, right. I would bury you. I’d make a little— I’d make a little, you know, tombstone. Yeah. “Here lies comedian Theo Von.” And I wouldn’t do anything, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: You wouldn’t do anything to my body to desecrate— No, dude.

BOBBY LEE: But everyone around me, other soldiers. Yeah.

THEO VON: You think so?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, because I know you. There’s no way I’m going to eat the tip or eat any part of your body.

THEO VON: Oh, dude, I’d f*ing have a little bit of your ass, boy. Not your ass, but just like, boy. Sorry, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me put this hat on.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to put my hat on. Bobby, can you scoot your chair to the left a little?

THEO VON: What?

BOBBY LEE: Just scoot left a little when you get seated. Okay.

Vietnam II and Cracker Barrel

THEO VON: But you look like Tokyo Drift AF, bro, right now.

BOBBY LEE: Thank you, man. Another one, huh?

THEO VON: Huh?

BOBBY LEE: Just going to keep going.

THEO VON: I’m just saying, Tokyo Drift is f*.

BOBBY LEE: It’s a fun game— movie, I mean.

THEO VON: Huh?

BOBBY LEE: Hello?

THEO VON: Yeah, I’m just saying.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, so in a war now, what would you do?

THEO VON: In a war? Yeah, I would. Okay, hold on.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Chill out, man.

BOBBY LEE: We’re fighting again. Let me give you the circumstances.

THEO VON: Give me the circumstances.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. We’re doing Vietnam 2. Oh, there’s got to be a sequel. Yeah, because we lost the last one.

THEO VON: Did y’all?

BOBBY LEE: Y’all? I’m always on your team. I was born here, guy. Okay.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, I know.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, you do. Yeah, but I’m saying, yeah, yeah, I’d still be— dude, if I was an American soldier, I’d still be wearing this hat. You would? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So I can sneak on to the other side, bro.

THEO VON: We would be in the best military ever.

BOBBY LEE: You and I?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Dude, we would f*ing stay up all night partying.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, dude, I would relapse.

THEO VON: Eating Twizzlers. Oh, yeah, dude, we’d relapse on opium, dude, that our own government would sell to its soldiers.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, we’d be shooting opium.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Listening to Purple Haze. “Some folks are born made to wear the flag.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’d be cutting our dicks. “What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we’re like shooting opium, right? And they’re just like kissing tips.

THEO VON: Yeah, dude.

BOBBY LEE: No, you’d be kissing the tip with music, heroin, just the tip, bro.

THEO VON: I just want to be straight and help my country.

BOBBY LEE: I’m straight too, dude. I have a girlfriend now, dude.

THEO VON: Here’s what we’d be doing. We’d be staying up late and we’d get pissed off, and I would cut one of my nipples off and just throw it and you’d catch it in your mouth.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, that’d be cool, dude. That’s how f*ed up we’d be.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah, partying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s partying.

BOBBY LEE: That’s partying, dude.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

BOBBY LEE: And then I would sew it back on your nip.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, dude.

BOBBY LEE: “Good God, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Born in the USA.” Yeah, but anyway, Vietnam II, that— what would you do? You’re drafted. Theo Von drafted. Okay, “Born in the USA” isn’t a Vietnam song. That was written way after.

THEO VON: I know, but I’m just saying, don’t sing that song then. It doesn’t even apply to both of us, so I won’t sing it. Let’s go on.

BOBBY LEE: What do you mean? What? I mean, bro, dude, I’m USA all the way, dude. Are you? Oh yeah, dude. Well, guess what one of my favorite restaurants are? Cracker Barrel. Oh, it is? Am I American or what?

THEO VON: Cracker Barrel.

BOBBY LEE: Cracker Barrel. Yeah, really? I think it’s the best breakfast, dude. It’s a good breakfast spot.

THEO VON: It is.

BOBBY LEE: Sometimes they— but when I walk in, in the South, there always is like— everyone stops working. Yeah. When I walk in. Yeah, well, there’s kind of like a moment of remembrance, like when— you think so? They’re not saluting me. No, they’re like, “What the f* is this?”

Charlie’s Apology at the Chinese Buffet

THEO VON: Well, it’s because some of it’s just like, there’s like an old— like, I remember this, like my stepdad, and he was in the wars, right? And he—

BOBBY LEE: What war?

THEO VON: I don’t know, he was in at least 2, 2 out of 3. And he went to— he would take my mom to the Chinese buffet.

BOBBY LEE: It was called the war.

THEO VON: No, no, in town, he would take my mom, they had like this place called Yellow Bellies or whatever, was a Chinese buffet or whatever. I don’t remember what it was called. See if you can look it up. But he would take my mom over there. I’m not even joking, huh?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he would.

THEO VON: I’m not joking, Bobby.

BOBBY LEE: No, it’s not called Yellow Bellies. There’s no way it’s called Yellow Bellies, dude, bro.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, it was called Yellow.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, okay.

THEO VON: And they changed the name. They changed one of the letters on the sign.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: To, um, to like Yellow Bells or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: The eye burnt out or whatever. So it was just like Yellow Bells and it was just like—

BOBBY LEE: Oh, it was a belly with an eye at the end. Yeah. Oh, that’s so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: That’s what I’m saying, it’s a play on words.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah.

THEO VON: But anyway, what happened was he would, after dinner, he would always go sit my mom in the car and then he’d go back in and he would like apologize to some of the workers that worked there for like things that had happened when he was in different conflicts.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Wow.

BOBBY LEE: But we’ve never been in a conflict with China. Is it a Chinese restaurant?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: So your uncle would go into a Chinese restaurant and apologize?

THEO VON: It wasn’t my uncle, it was somebody that my mom—

BOBBY LEE: All right, whoever your mom’s smashing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we’ve never been in a war really with China, so he’s apologizing to a group of people that they have no idea what the f* he’s talking about.

THEO VON: They know.

BOBBY LEE: No, they don’t know. Chinese people are like, “Oh, oh, thank you so much for apologizing because we were feeling so bad about it.”

THEO VON: No, but dude, not everybody— this happens a lot in small towns, Bobby, and this is the truth. A lot of small towns, if they open up a place that is ethnical in the town and it’s different, yeah, they will hire anybody that even looks like that culture to work there.

BOBBY LEE: So I could get a job at Yellowbelly?

THEO VON: F* yeah, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Manage it, huh? Management?

THEO VON: Maybe assistant manager.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, okay, you know, maybe, yeah, they might let you manage on Sundays.

THEO VON: Yeah, but what I’m saying is this, so he would— then he would go in and kind of apologize. And you have to think, this is something kind of crazy. Yeah, so a lot of people went and fought in some of these wars, right? Then they came back and they never saw anybody from any of these cultures until like 40 years later when a restaurant with some different ethnical food showed up in their town. That’s like the— they never— that’s kind of crazy to think that, you know? Does it make sense to you?

BOBBY LEE: Let me get this right.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Okay. So what you’re saying is— let’s just call this guy Jim. Okay. What do you want to call him?

THEO VON: His name is Charlie.

BOBBY LEE: Okay. All right. Can I call him Charlie?

THEO VON: Huh?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ironic that his name is Charlie. I mean, look, and he was a nom.

THEO VON: You were going to call him that no matter what.

BOBBY LEE: So, yeah, but sure, you can.

THEO VON: Yeah, and he died and he wore a lot of gold.

BOBBY LEE: Rest in peace, Charlie.

THEO VON: He wore a lot of gold.

BOBBY LEE: So what you’re telling me is Charlie came back from the Vietnam War.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Didn’t see an Asian person for 40 f*ing years. Yeah, right. And all of a sudden Yellow Belly opens, a Chinese restaurant.

THEO VON: Semi-Chinese, all Chinese.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, semi-Chinese. All right. And he walked in there and because he hadn’t seen a Vietnamese person in 40 years, he went up to a Chinese person and apologized for the Vietnam War and what he did.

THEO VON: Yeah, okay, his heart had been changed. Yeah, that’s the truth, Bobby. Bobby, that’s the truth, man.

BOBBY LEE: I swear.

THEO VON: I know, but maybe go to— my mom would tell you—

BOBBY LEE: I understand that, but maybe go to a Vietnamese person.

THEO VON: But they don’t have—

BOBBY LEE: They don’t have a Vietnamese restaurant in town.

THEO VON: It doesn’t— at that point, it’s like you just take what you can get, bro. They’ll hire a fing Mexican guy who’s fing—

BOBBY LEE: Who’s high. No, his eyes look Chinese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A high Mexican guy. Yeah, or just like, you smoked up 24/7 when you work here.

THEO VON: Whose eyes, he’s got those lowrider eyes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: So what you’re saying to me is— did Charlie feel better about doing that?

THEO VON: He felt— no, I just think over the years his heart had been like— he just kind of like, something, he just had probably some remorse.

BOBBY LEE: Yes. And I feel empathy for that. I’ll tell you what the Chinese people were thinking at Yellow Belly.

THEO VON: What?

BOBBY LEE: “What the f*? What’s that about?” Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they’re thinking. “What is he talking about?” No. Yeah, yeah, because they’re not in the Vietnam War. Do you understand? Yeah, I feel like— no, no, no, I think that there’s—

THEO VON: No, I know exactly what you’re saying.

BOBBY LEE: I think— no, because we do this all the time.

THEO VON: No, we don’t.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, no, we don’t. Yeah, we do. We do this all the time. What do you mean we do this?

THEO VON: You saying you and I have this conversation a lot?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you and I always go into— and I don’t want to do it anymore. I think this is the last time. Okay, give me the other hat then.

THEO VON: Oh, you want that sharecropper hat, huh?

BOBBY LEE: How you doing, man? Huh? How you doing, man?

THEO VON: I’m good, sir.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Billy Lee, that’s my name. Billy. Billy Lee. Billy Lee. Billy Lee.

THEO VON: I love you, I love you. I’m happy to be here today working for you, sir. What can I do for you?

BOBBY LEE: I just want to apologize for what I did to your people in the Vietnam War. I apologize.

THEO VON: What’s your name, man? My name?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, man.

THEO VON: My name’s Clark.

BOBBY LEE: Clark. Clark. Clark, I apologize. But see how that feels? You have— hold on. Yeah, you have nothing to do with the f*ing Vietnam War. Yeah, you’re a white dude named Clark wearing that hat because you just happen to get a job as a busser at Yellow Belly, right? And some guy—

THEO VON: Yeah, Charlie, I’ve been working here for almost 3 months. Yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: So, hey Clark, I want to apologize because I know you’re wearing that hat. You’re probably— you know what I mean? Yeah, I slaughtered a village.

THEO VON: You know what I mean?

BOBBY LEE: And I felt bad about it, man. So, hey, I want to— give me a hug, man. We hug, right?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Get a little tip.

THEO VON: 5 bucks. That’s what he would do. He’d go in there and he’d hit him a little extra.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. And Charlie seems like he would hide the tip. So there’d be like a nice, like— it’s like in Heated Rivalry. You ever see that show?

THEO VON: I haven’t seen that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. You know that show? The gay hockey show?

THEO VON: Uh-uh. Is that a show?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. You never heard of Heated Rivalry? It’s the hottest show in America, dude.

THEO VON: Is it really? I think I’ve heard Josh Morrissey’s in it.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. It’s about these two gay— top gay hockey players, but they’re in love. Oh, there’s a lot of gay love.

THEO VON: Is Gianni Paolo in it?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: No, I think Gianni and Josh Morrissey might be in it.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. But anyway, there’s a scene in Heated Rivalry.

THEO VON: Yeah.

The Water Bottle Scene

BOBBY LEE: When one of the hockey players passes a water bottle, right? So I’m going to just show you what one of them does. All right, right. So they’re not out, you know what I mean? They’re like these manly hockey players, right? Can you pick it up with that hand, please? Yeah, yeah. No, pick it with that hand.

THEO VON: Okay.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. And he passes it like this, right? And then he does this. How does that feel?

THEO VON: Do what they say so that people can see it on the camera.

BOBBY LEE: So you don’t—

THEO VON: Do it with your other hand.

BOBBY LEE: So do it with this hand. Use your left hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t have a lot of control in this hand.

THEO VON: I’ll try. I don’t give a shit.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, so you pick that— “Pick the bot.” “Pick the top.” Okay, so you grab it like this and he goes, “What?” Yeah, and then you take the bottle. Oh, that was like one of the first episodes.

THEO VON: It’s like kind of like a gay relay race.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a gay relay race, but it’s also a way to show like, you know what I mean, right?

THEO VON: There’s foreshadowing.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, there’s some foreshadowing. So if I did that to you, you and I doing a show together at the store— “Yo, yo, Bobby, hand me a bottle of water,” right? And I handed you a bottle of water and you stayed ahead, and I kind of just briefly with my finger rubbed your finger.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: How would you feel about that?

THEO VON: I would feel like you were rubbing my finger, and I would feel like you were trying to give me— trying to say something to me, trying to say something to me with just your finger without even saying something to me. And that, yeah. And it would be something that was gay.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. And I’ll tell you this right now, I don’t give a f*.

THEO VON: But would you do that to me? What if I was unconscious?

BOBBY LEE: No, dude, you have to feel the finger. Oh, you know that slogan, “Feel the finger?” Yeah, yeah, my grandfather used to say it all the time. “Feel the finger.” But do you?

THEO VON: Yeah, see?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

Reconciling Differences

THEO VON: So your grandparents can do that kind of shit. Yeah, but my grandparents can’t go into a Chinese restaurant. Yeah, a buffet. A Chinese buffet. And trying to reconcile some differences? That’s what I don’t understand.

BOBBY LEE: I’m saying you can reconcile differences with people that you have to reconcile differences with. Yeah, not some other nation or people. It makes no sense.

THEO VON: I don’t know if that’s— I don’t know if I agree with you.

BOBBY LEE: Make your argument. Well, make your argument.

THEO VON: I’m trying to make it.

BOBBY LEE: Make your f*ing argument.

THEO VON: You keep attacking.

BOBBY LEE: I’m not attacking you because what you’re saying is nonsensical.

THEO VON: Bro, I’m just—

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no, bro, no, you don’t know anything about— you think— here’s what you think, Bobby. No, I’m not— I’m sorry, Pakistan, right? I’ve been here so many different times, all right? And I’m going to say what I’m going to say, okay?

THEO VON: You think— no, you think you’re giving angry sharecropper energy right now.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, and I am one, okay? Okay, I have a farm. I’m a farmer.

THEO VON: Okay, I’ll go do it. Hold on.

BOBBY LEE: You seem to think that the whole country— I mean, a continent of Asia, right, is one block that we have the same traditions, language, writings, culture, etc. They’re all—

THEO VON: I’m listening—

BOBBY LEE: Completely different, right? I believe so. It’s like saying, oh yeah, an American’s like somebody from the Congo.

THEO VON: That’s not true. Yeah, it’s not. What if you said like, okay, somebody from Mississippi is like somebody that’s from North Carolina. They’re similar. Yeah, yeah, they look similar, but they’re different. One of them probably watches Outer Banks, and one of them probably listens to the soundtrack at the gym of Mississippi Burning or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: But the continent of North America, how many countries are in there?

THEO VON: On the continent of North America? 51.

BOBBY LEE: No, there’s—

THEO VON: Isn’t there?

BOBBY LEE: 3.

THEO VON: Dude, you’re f*ing setting me up.

BOBBY LEE: There’s— no, I’m not setting you up, dude.

THEO VON: Yeah, you are. You’re a spy, dude. You’re Mossad.

BOBBY LEE: I’m not Mossad, dude. I’m the opposite.

THEO VON: You are?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I’m in rubble. You what? I’m in rubble.

THEO VON: You’re in rubble?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Okay, good. You understand what I’m saying?

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, I got you.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I’m saying to you is there’s 3 countries on our continent, which are what?

THEO VON: North America, South America, Mexico.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no, no.

THEO VON: What is it?

BOBBY LEE: See, that’s why, you know what I mean, Charlie shouldn’t have said shit, dog. But dude, he doesn’t understand. You’re—

THEO VON: Look, I would like—

BOBBY LEE: Geopolitically things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: He doesn’t understand.

BOBBY LEE: There’s Canada, America, and also Mexico. Yeah, yeah. Now, is Central America— no, that’s a— what is Central America? Yeah, that’s not a part of—

THEO VON: Okay, this is when the wizard runs out of his magic right here.

BOBBY LEE: This guy, give me the— how many countries? I mean, how many countries are in North America?

THEO VON: This is including Central America.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, but is Central America North America? I don’t think so. Just put in North America. How many countries are in North America, bro? No, just let me finish.

THEO VON: It’s never going to end, dude. How many countries in North America? 11.

BOBBY LEE: That’s Central America and stuff it’s including. But yeah, in this— oh, Haiti. Yeah, in North America there’s 3 countries. Okay. Oh, Granada. So it’s like—

THEO VON: Okay, yeah, but here’s my defense— in defense of Charlie. Yes.

BOBBY LEE: Defense of who?

THEO VON: Charlie.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, okay. He would call—

THEO VON: Bro, they don’t— what I’m saying is, in some smaller communities, they will open up a place that has a cuisine from an area, even a realm, right?

BOBBY LEE: So what do you mean, like Lord of the Rings shit?

THEO VON: Yeah, they’ll open up with some f*ing Mongolian—

BOBBY LEE: Oh, Mongolian restaurants, those are my favorite.

THEO VON: Or you know what I’m saying, they’ll open up a Mandarin—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, or Mongolian stir-fry place.

THEO VON: Chinese adjacent.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, Chinese adjacent. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: So they’ll open that up, Bobby, and then people— the people that work there— first of all, dude, there’s no way anybody—

BOBBY LEE: There’s no way to win this argument. It’s f*ing crazy. Let me take this hat off. There’s no— I’m going to hear you all.

THEO VON: What’s the problem with the hat?

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, I don’t like it. I want to just be myself. Yeah, yeah. So what— there’s no way to win this argument, but I’m so interested to see how you’re going to do it.

THEO VON: Go ahead. This is my final rebuttal.

BOBBY LEE: All right, go ahead.

A Time to Kill and Movie References

THEO VON: And this is like the end of that movie. Have you seen A Time to Kill?

BOBBY LEE: No, give me another movie.

THEO VON: All right. Oh, Lincoln Lawyer. But I think—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, give me another movie.

THEO VON: All right, Bridge Over the River Kwai.

BOBBY LEE: Yes, I have.

THEO VON: Okay, so this is different than that.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, here’s what I’m going to tell you. Well, that’s Santino.

THEO VON: It is?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Hold on. Yo, what’s up? You’re on. I’m doing Theo’s. So Project Hail Mary is one of the best movies I’ve seen in years. I know, it was an amazing movie, right? What’s it called? Busboys? I cried, I cried like 4 times. I told you, dude, that’s one of the best movies I’ve seen in years.

THEO VON: What’s it called?

BOBBY LEE: And then right after, I went and I watched Busboys, which is now in limited theaters all around the country. Yeah, and how do you feel about Busboys? Busboys is up there with some of the greatest fantasy sci-fi dramas I’ve ever seen. Yeah, I agree, I agree. I loved it. I loved every second of it. Hi, Theo.

THEO VON: Hey, brother, what’s up, man? We miss you.

BOBBY LEE: I miss you. Love you guys very much. Sorry to interrupt. Oh yeah, but we’ll talk about the movie later.

THEO VON: But what was that movie called? What was that movie called?

BOBBY LEE: No, I’m going to tell you after we hang out. Okay, great.

THEO VON: Okay, okay.

BOBBY LEE: Let me get—

THEO VON: Project Mary. It’s great, huh?

BOBBY LEE: It’s so good.

THEO VON: I want to go see it. Is it in theaters or it’s on VOD?

BOBBY LEE: I would recommend you watch it in theaters, but you’re not going to watch it. Yeah, well, would Charlie watch it? Would Charlie watch it if he was alive? No. Well, then that’s—

THEO VON: He liked to be in the shed and he liked to curse a lot.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, oh, oh, like the Unabomber?

THEO VON: I don’t know about that, bro.

BOBBY LEE: No.

THEO VON: Okay. But he took care of my mother. He had a small dog. But here’s what I want to tell you though.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, finish the argument. Okay.

Small Town Worldview and Asian Identity

THEO VON: A lot of times in small communities, Bobby, people— if anybody seems semi-Asian, if anybody seems—

BOBBY LEE: What’s a semi-Asian?

THEO VON: A guy who’s Asian, but also you don’t know if he’s Asian, man. If somebody just has dark hair and—

BOBBY LEE: It could be a white guy, but he had funny eyes.

THEO VON: Even just a trans chick who can’t see that good, right? Like, people will f*ing— it all works in that sort of place.

BOBBY LEE: It doesn’t work because it’s wrong.

THEO VON: It doesn’t work for us, bro. But in that kind of place, you just take what—

BOBBY LEE: Like, you take what you can get, right?

THEO VON: Right. And so they’ll have people— sometimes you’ll get a Mexican guy that’s been in a fire even, and they’ll be like, “Oh, this guy’s Taiwanese or something.” He’s not, right? But people don’t know, dude. They just— so I’m just saying, like, sometimes that kind of shit happens and people try to make bridges where they can. Man.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, if there was a guy that was slightly blue, would you think that they were from the movie Avatar?

THEO VON: I’m sure Charlie would have went up to him, and offered him a f*ing— dude, speaking of—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, but let’s move on. No, no, I don’t want to move on. I think I see your point of view, right?

THEO VON: I’m not saying it’s right or anything.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, what I’m saying though is that this is small town, you know what I mean, worldview.

THEO VON: But also—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, no, there’s not New York shit.

THEO VON: Bring up that Asian fella we had on here, that young boy or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: I remember I saw some clips.

THEO VON: Asian Ray, YoungBoyAsian. Bobby, can you scoot to your left?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: And he listened to this. Listen to what he said one day that brought me into some crazy racism that was happening.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

Moving Slot Machines

THEO VON: I don’t think we’ll find it there. It might stop us, but maybe it won’t. Maybe will. I don’t think it’s on here. The full one might be on YouTube Shorts or something. Can you just find it, dude? Oh, did you see those? Look, listen how messed up this is, dude. Did you see— okay, there’s moving slot machines that are going on.

BOBBY LEE: Tell me, I would like to see. They move. Watch this, they move now.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, they’re going to be coming after y’all. All right, look at this, Bobby. Whoa. So say you’re—

BOBBY LEE: I know, yeah, you’re taking a shit.

THEO VON: No, no, when it comes looking for you, whatever. No, that’s crazy. But say your wife’s like, “All right, you can’t gamble anymore tonight, you have to go to bed or whatever,” right? And that thing comes knocking on your door later with like, oh yeah, a bottle of wine.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, that’d be crazy, you know?

THEO VON: Yeah, or even just for like—

BOBBY LEE: You put $100 in it though, no?

THEO VON: Yeah, but that thing could pin a f*ing— dude, that thing could pin an older Taiwanese man against the wall and make him spend every buck he’s got.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see what you’re saying.

THEO VON: I’m just saying that’s just messed up.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I think that this is too far. Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving anything, like— but ATM machine too, then. If they do this, they do ATM. Yeah. What else machines can they do? Oh, you know the crane game?

THEO VON: Oh yeah, that one I would like though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: I’ve never gotten one. Have you really? You haven’t? I can never grab it, dude.

THEO VON: Huh.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, sometimes I’ll have it hook onto like— like on a plush toy, there’s like the little, whoever manual, like made in China. There’s like a little bit of a white— I try to get the crane, you know what I mean, through the part of the ticket, the little label, and I try to pull it up that way, but it somehow slips, dude.

THEO VON: Oh dang, that’s a good strategy though. But what is—

BOBBY LEE: What kind of age?

THEO VON: What kind of—

BOBBY LEE: What kind of age is he? This age? No, age. He’s Thai. Oh, I like it. He’s Thai. Yeah, tell me about him. What’d he say?

THEO VON: He’s Mexican— or he’s Taiwan, sorry.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, he’s Taiwan. Am I center?

THEO VON: No, I’m just saying, look at the kind of shit that these kids are coming over here and saying.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, I don’t want to hear it.

THEO VON: “I will let you call me a ching chong.”

BOBBY LEE: I’ll give it a pass.

THEO VON: Really?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, just call me one time. It’s okay. I know you want to do it.

THEO VON: I don’t want to do it. It’s okay.

BOBBY LEE: Like, I’m cool.

THEO VON: Like, you feel me? I’m going to give you the pass.

BOBBY LEE: You can say ching chong.

THEO VON: I would not say— I would probably— I would think—

BOBBY LEE: I don’t like ching chong that much. Why? I would maybe call you like, slot machine boy or something like that.

THEO VON: Something that Asian people like to do. Look at this little kind of slot machine. Look at this little slot machine. Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: What you mean by that? Like we slot, like ding ding.

THEO VON: Yes, yes, that’s a slot machine.

BOBBY LEE: That’s not— I’m not saying that. Yes, no, I think that’s slot machine. Winner.

THEO VON: It’s like, it’d be like a slot machine just adding, like, if when you hit the bonus on a slot machine and the money goes up.

BOBBY LEE: That’s crazy. Let me tell you something, that’s unfair.

THEO VON: You know that guy?

BOBBY LEE: We know, we all know each other. I can call Un right now, dog.

THEO VON: Kim Jong-un?

BOBBY LEE: That’s right, dog.

THEO VON: You know he was supposed to play your role in the movie?

BOBBY LEE: Who?

THEO VON: KJU. Not even joking.

BOBBY LEE: You’re going to give him one line in a movie?

THEO VON: We offered him—

BOBBY LEE: It’s 4 lines. Are you going to put him—

THEO VON: It was the only day.

BOBBY LEE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I was second choice, dog? No, wait, wait, wait. I was second choice for 4 lines in your movie? Hold on, that’s crazy, dude.

THEO VON: I don’t know if it’s— I don’t know if it’s true or not.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I believe you. Yeah, you were a producer and you wrote the thing, dude.

THEO VON: We barely got through it. We made it during the fires, Bobby.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I understand that.

YoungBoyAsian Clip Discussion

THEO VON: Listen, about this Asian guy, okay, number one, I don’t want to give him any more airtime. This guy’s kind of f*ing—

BOBBY LEE: You brought it up, all right? You made me watch the whole video and then like watch it. I watch— I can’t say anything?

THEO VON: All right then, go on.

BOBBY LEE: Right, he’s not— he’s from Ching Chong.

THEO VON: Go on, Bobby.

BOBBY LEE: All right, he’s from the land of them. He ain’t no American. I’m American.

THEO VON: Yeah, I know you are.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, I mean, so it’s like ching chong hits different with me than that ching chong. Yeah, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? So it’s like, you know, that little— also, let me say something, that little octopus knuckle, he ain’t shit. He ain’t shit. There’s a little octopus knuckle. Dude, you know what I mean? And let me say something. Sluts, I know why you said that, man, because a slut is a slit. Yeah, that’s why you said it. A slut is a slit and a slit is a slut, dude. Bro, I’m doing parables, dude.

THEO VON: Parables.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, let me say something about—

THEO VON: All right, tell me something.

BOBBY LEE: Let me say something, okay? Right, I give you permission, maybe not on camera, but off camera to say whatever you want to call me because I’m not going to take it personally.

THEO VON: I don’t do that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you do. You have. And I’ve said— I’ve called you certain things.

THEO VON: Oh, really?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, just to you off camera.

THEO VON: To me? Was I there?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: Is that what you’re saying?

BOBBY LEE: I was there? Yes.

THEO VON: Oh, off camera you have?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Quitting Smoking and Vaping

THEO VON: Not behind my back.

BOBBY LEE: No, not behind— no, beyond your— wow. Well, I don’t want to—

THEO VON: Defense rest. We’ll be back after lunch.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, I’ve said some stuff behind your back.

THEO VON: Oh, Bobby got that hitter, huh?

BOBBY LEE: What’s up?

THEO VON: What flavor is it?

BOBBY LEE: That’s f*ing tobacco, dude.

THEO VON: Yours is just tobacco flavoring.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I quit smoking over a month ago, so sometimes I’ll take a hit.

THEO VON: That’s insane, bro. Yeah, that’s how I quit. The same way I’m f*ing not quit.

BOBBY LEE: What do you mean?

THEO VON: That’s not quitting, dude.

BOBBY LEE: If you’re smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, 20 cigarettes. Yeah.

THEO VON: And you just— cigarettes. And I lit me one. Have you heard that song?

BOBBY LEE: No. Morgan Wallen? No, dude.

THEO VON: I went to his—

BOBBY LEE: I don’t know the modern shit.

THEO VON: I went to his concert the other night, dude.

BOBBY LEE: I saw— I saw f*ing Sabrina Carpenter at the Coachella. I didn’t know one song. Really? Yeah. She came out, and I had not one song. No. Sabrina Carpenter. Sabrina Carpenter. Oh yeah, Karen Carpenter died.

THEO VON: Her and my— her and Madonna.

BOBBY LEE: Uh, yeah, sorry, dude.

Morgan Wallen and Country Music

THEO VON: No, Morgan Wallen, dude, you, bro, you got to go see him.

BOBBY LEE: No, I’m not going to see, bro.

THEO VON: Yeah, you got to do his walkout with him, bro. Have you ever seen— he does walkouts where people walk out with him. Nick Saban freaking walked out with him, Bobby.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I don’t even know who Nick Saban is, dude. I only know people—

THEO VON: It’s not Nick Saban, dude, like he’s a guy who freaking makes coupons. It’s Nick Saban.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to me, guy. Bro, he loves you, dude.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, and I love him back, dude.

BOBBY LEE: But what I want to say to you is this: last night we let the liquor talk, bro. Bro, last night we let the liquor talk. That’s good stuff, dude. Listen to me, dude. I don’t—

THEO VON: I’ve been listening.

BOBBY LEE: It’s a regional thing, dude. You’re out there in Nashville. You mean all your shit, right? We don’t do shit like that, dude.

THEO VON: Right, you’re right.

BOBBY LEE: You know what I mean? Smooth. That’s your shit, dude. You know what I mean? We do different shit out here in LA, dog.

THEO VON: What?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, rap, punk bands. You know what I mean? Y’all are—

THEO VON: You’re right.

BOBBY LEE: You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. “Last night my bus fell down a river.” Like music I don’t even relate to. “Last night my dog came, said hello.” Yeah, I mean, those are like— that’s your music. “You mean my corn’s growing like sombreros, like Nevada, Nevada.” I’m sorry, let’s try the country song real quick. What?

THEO VON: All right, what? “I woke up and I couldn’t see this morning. Then I realized it was not, so I had to re-download my iPhone software.”

BOBBY LEE: “I put my white hat through the door.”

THEO VON: Yeah, amen, bro. I like the ending.

BOBBY LEE: Is this—

THEO VON: It’s like, uh, CBD.

BOBBY LEE: It’s a CBD.

THEO VON: CBD. To be decided.

BOBBY LEE: It’s like, yeah, it could be.

THEO VON: Oh, TBC, you said?

BOBBY LEE: Exactly. What, dude? Dude, did you see that gay volleyball? No, hold on a second.

On Anxiety and Pressure

THEO VON: We keep— well, bro, we’re not— we don’t even know what we’re saying, bro.

BOBBY LEE: I know that. That’s the thing. That’s the thing. When you and I are together, right?

THEO VON: Just say it, man.

BOBBY LEE: There’s anxiety and we want to get to the next thing, right? Because we think that silence is bad.

THEO VON: Oh, that’s a good point, huh? I do feel like that.

BOBBY LEE: Have you always felt like that? No, but what I realized— it doesn’t matter whether you and I— it’s going to be good. Well, let’s see. It’s going to be good. And there’s no need for anxiety. And there’s no need to like what’s clippable. Because when you and I are together, sometimes it gets clippable and it becomes sometimes viral.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: And when I was coming here today, there’s a reason why I haven’t done your shit in a long time is because I don’t like the pressure of doing it with you specifically. Because if we don’t create magic, right, then it was just a waste.

THEO VON: I brought that up to Nick today before you came.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: And I prayed about it before this.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. But what I believe is that then when I was driving, I was like, I don’t care. Whatever it is, it is. And I’m okay with that because we’re both doing well in life. And I believe that you’re a very good person. I’m a good person. And just not rush through it, man. I’m here as long as you need me, you know what I mean? But I think we have something that— I mean, where’s Bear Dick at?

THEO VON: He’s over there.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, Bear Dick. Yeah, did we get stuff already? Yeah, I think you gave the Clippers some fuel. Yeah, we got some stuff, right? You got more than enough. We got more than enough. So what I’m saying is, can you slide to your right a little bit? You’re in theater. I know, I know. Honestly, dude, what you’re doing right now— you said to go to the left, now I got to go to the right. We haven’t had this problem yet. You’re just, you know, you’re full of energy.

THEO VON: Does he look on center?

BOBBY LEE: He’s just creeping into your shot, so move your mic.

THEO VON: I got to get him out of here. Move your mic and you’re good.

BOBBY LEE: Bobby, look at this right here.

THEO VON: This is you in the movie.

The Movie Role

BOBBY LEE: But no, look, this is your anxiety. Oh, there you go.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: That’s the guy you beat out for your— that’s like, okay, first of all, that’s the guy you beat out. No, that’s Kim Jong-un as me in the movie, dude. No, he came in for a read.

THEO VON: That’s the guy you beat out for your role, you freak.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, so he came from North Korea, okay, and read, went on set and read for you, and he didn’t get it? Yeah, yeah. And then you’re like, “What other mean Chong Chongs do we know?” And then you called me. How many people did you call before you called me? Did you call Ken Jeong? Did you call Jimmy O. Yang?

THEO VON: I did send a text to Kim Jong. He didn’t text me back.

BOBBY LEE: Ken Jeong.

THEO VON: Kim Jong.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: And I did also— we did reach out to Ken Young, or Ken Jong-un.

BOBBY LEE: What is his name? Yeah, at least Kim Jong-un.

THEO VON: Kim Jong-un.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: No, that’s Kim Jong.

BOBBY LEE: That’s Kim Jong. So he said no.

THEO VON: He said no. But he did—

BOBBY LEE: He—

THEO VON: What he did say though, they wrote a letter back, like his affairs person, whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: And they said, uh, that they loved David Spade and Dickie Roberts. I thought that was just hilarious that they put that in there. That’s pretty cool.

BOBBY LEE: Who else did you offer before you offered it to me?

THEO VON: We offered it.

BOBBY LEE: You were through.

THEO VON: You were right. You were second.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, so Kim— it went Kim Jong-un, the dictator from North Korea. Yeah. And then I was second.

THEO VON: 100%.

BOBBY LEE: 100%. Yeah. Thank you so much.

THEO VON: You bet.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I mean, because I think you got it.

THEO VON: If you got dictator like Viktor Orbán, and then we got dick taster, so I think we did good.

BOBBY LEE: Dude, it’s not fair what you just said.

THEO VON: Oh, you didn’t have a lot.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I just— yeah, I licked the tip.

THEO VON: I only had a little. Yeah, I only have one piece.

Sexuality, Percentages, and Comfort Zones

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. I almost— okay, dude, that’s all I did, right? And you know this about me, dude.

THEO VON: I do.

BOBBY LEE: I might be 5% bi.

THEO VON: Hey, that— and that’s not a lot.

BOBBY LEE: That’s not a lot, dude.

THEO VON: Bro, these days, these days, dude, they go all the way 100%, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you know what I mean? And it’s like, I didn’t get that. No, I would be okay if I had 100%, but I’m only 5%, dude.

THEO VON: If I was gay, I would just— I think so.

BOBBY LEE: I think you’re 3%.

THEO VON: 3%. Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. I think in the right circumstances you would kiss the tip.

THEO VON: I would.

BOBBY LEE: Henry Cavill.

THEO VON: Who’s Henry Cavill?

BOBBY LEE: Superman. The one before?

THEO VON: No, I’m not having some guy who’s working all the time out, meeting people at night and s* like that.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

THEO VON: Here’s what I will say this. If I didn’t get married to a woman at some point and there was like a cool dude who was not trying to like do any sex or touch my ass or anything but wanted to chill. Separate rooms. Maybe he is a chef or something. Maybe if I also don’t have to talk to him every day.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, so it’s 1%. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you’re 1%.

THEO VON: 1%.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Or even, dude, I dated a chick with hard tits and that freaking kind of—

BOBBY LEE: it was a lot, dude.

THEO VON: I did it.

BOBBY LEE: A hot chick. Yeah, with Sarah Connor ass. No, you know Sarah Connor from Terminator? No. Yeah, like she was buff, right? So her ass felt Schwarzenegger-like. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? Where I like it when it’s like there’s like some fat, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: And she was beautiful, but her ass was Sarah Connor, and I couldn’t do it. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, because I’m not the Terminator. Yeah, you know what I mean? I don’t have those robotics.

THEO VON: Some ass too, a woman, they go to the gym so much and their ass has a little bit of hair on it. That’s the craziest thing.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, like how much hair?

THEO VON: Not a lot, but just enough where you feel they shaved a couple times, you know?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that’s not crazy. I don’t care.

THEO VON: Yeah, but it is a surprise.

BOBBY LEE: It’s a surprise sometimes when you go in the cave and you see some foliage. Yeah, you know what I mean? That I don’t like.

THEO VON: Oh really?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I like my caves clean. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we have now the technology to do it. I don’t want foliage because I’m not like a cave dweller, dude.

THEO VON: Would you go back in the 1400s, you think, and eat a little bit of ass or what?

BOBBY LEE: In the 1400s? I would pass on that, dog.

THEO VON: All right.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, man, you get the measles.

THEO VON: Oh, you will.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’ll get some sort of like, you know, anything that would kill somebody back then. Yeah, yeah. I’d have like one of those Asian, you know what I mean? Yeah, I get what I mean.

THEO VON: You get COVID masks, you get that holy polio.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Would you eat 1400 ass polio?

THEO VON: No, dude, am I doing that s*? Dude, I will tell you this, bro. No, no, no, I wouldn’t even answer that question.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Yeah, I wondered. But here’s the thing, let’s just— before you move on, because you’re feeling anxiety, I know you’re doing right.

THEO VON: I’m getting excited.

BOBBY LEE: Let me chill out. All right, chill out for a second. Okay, because I’m a podcaster as well.

On Podcasting and Letting Moments Happen

THEO VON: I know, dude, you’re a professional. You guys have one of the top 10 podcasts in the world.

BOBBY LEE: So are you. That’s crazy to think about though. I don’t think about it, but still crazy to think.

THEO VON: I know, it’s crazy. Just that it— that people tell me, I go, oh, I guess. What is your podcast big in, like, in other parts of the world?

BOBBY LEE: I don’t know. I don’t know the stats. And it’s like, you know, it’s like that old term, you know what I mean? I don’t live in the results. Oh, Coke.

THEO VON: Cooked pot doesn’t boil or whatever. What is that term?

BOBBY LEE: What is it? A watched pot doesn’t boil.

THEO VON: Watched pot doesn’t boil.

BOBBY LEE: A cooked pot does boil, though.

THEO VON: A cooked pot does boil. Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. You know, how about this? What else? When you use terminology sometimes, yeah, think about it first. I think that’s one of your problems. You mean when it pops into your head, I don’t think there is that thing that goes, “let’s think about it.”

THEO VON: Yeah, you just say, “what’s that term?”

BOBBY LEE: Cookpot.

THEO VON: Cookpot.

BOBBY LEE: You know what I mean? Boils. You know what I mean? And it’s like, yeah, it’s not the right thing. So I think that’s a part of your anxiety.

THEO VON: Yeah, you’re right. It’s hard for me to leave that space in a place. I’ll just like— if something’s like somebody— if two people are sitting there and nobody’s talking and it gets really uncomfortable. Yeah, you’re that way too, Bobby.

BOBBY LEE: No, I’ve changed for me.

THEO VON: Are you serious?

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, I’m— dude, I’m so serious.

THEO VON: Like, what did you really do to change that? Because that’s a big thing. A lot of people deal with it.

BOBBY LEE: Because I don’t really care really anymore. I have empathy and I care about the world, and that’s not what I mean. I don’t care. Like, whatever direction my life takes, I’m just going to go with the flow, and it’s not my responsibility, or I’m not a psychic. I don’t know what’s going to end up happening to me.

THEO VON: What question are you answering right now? What I’m asking you is, what do you mean? If like, say you and I are talking, or say you’re talking to anybody, right? And it becomes a moment of silence. This happens to me a lot in relationships. If there’s a moment of silence, it’s hard for me to just sit there and let there be silence.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, but that’s—

THEO VON: But you said that you’ve changed with that. So what I’m asking is, how have you changed? What have you done that’s changed? Because that’s kind of—

BOBBY LEE: I think therapy has helped. I think Lexapro has helped. Sometimes I’ll take Ritalin for my ADHD. I didn’t take any today.

THEO VON: How much Lexapro you on?

BOBBY LEE: Lexapro? Yeah, 10 milligrams, I think.

THEO VON: Okay, that’s a load.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, it’s a little— it’s a dose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it’s like when they say, when you’re performing, a lot of comics hate the silence, but that’s when they’re listening, right? And I feel so comfortable with you because we’ve known each other for so long that we could take a break. We don’t always have to like chase a laugh or say something super interesting. That’s the thing. It’s like we perform for the algorithm and for what people are going to want to watch.

THEO VON: I think with you, sometimes it does turn into that. Or this is the first time I’ve ever thought that. So it’s funny that you said that before you came over, whenever you got over here, because I did think that. Didn’t we talk about it, Nick? I said, what do we say? What are we going to talk about? And I was like, “let the moments happen.”

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. And if the moments don’t happen, I’m okay with that too. Okay, that’s okay. Yeah, because we’ll podcast again. Yeah, and again.

THEO VON: And I don’t want to lose out on a chance to have a good time with you.

BOBBY LEE: We’re already— I’m already having a blast.

THEO VON: Me too.

BOBBY LEE: You know what I mean? The things that you talked about, Charlie, was insane. It’s not that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, it’s fing insane. And that’s already something that people are going to go, “what the f is he talking about?”

THEO VON: Well, because he’s a small town, like he likes to go out to eat.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no, no, I don’t want to recruit. Don’t do your f*ing confused white face. You guys do that a lot, your confused white face.

THEO VON: Who does?

BOBBY LEE: You know, you guys do that a lot. “Oh, you think we didn’t start a war? What?” And your eyes cross. “Waa,” you know what I mean? You started it. You started it.

THEO VON: We didn’t.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you started it. Oh, it’s been going on for 47 years.

THEO VON: That’s f*ing—

BOBBY LEE: I mean, they were about to have a nuclear weapon. Come on, man, don’t do confused white face. I get it, I know the tone. Yeah, I’ve been around a long time, I know confused whites.

THEO VON: That’s Trump and his f*ing—

BOBBY LEE: I know, but you’re sometimes a confused white.

THEO VON: You think so? That’s Trump and his f*ing missile monkeys doing that.

BOBBY LEE: But those missile monkeys are also confused whites, they’re monkeying around. I know, you know what I mean? And what I’m saying is, don’t confuse white me, dog.

THEO VON: You right.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I mean, because I’m a confused yellow.

THEO VON: No, you’re not.

BOBBY LEE: Sometimes I am.

THEO VON: Really?

BOBBY LEE: I get confused. Yeah, but the Lexapro, you don’t seem confident.

On Lexapro, Fear, and Death Threats

THEO VON: Has it really helped you? What has it helped you with? I’ll say this, you seem a little less shy because sometimes you get shy. You ever try to put your hand in an aquarium and try to get one of the fish out of there?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, like a koi fish.

THEO VON: Or just at a party or whatever, and they keep going. They will not come into your hand.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, because it’s a defense mechanism.

THEO VON: But that’s how you are.

BOBBY LEE: No, but they’re like, you mean a crazed white is trying to grab me? Oh no, I’m confused white—

THEO VON: I’ll keep my hand open and just wait till something comes in it.

BOBBY LEE: Will you clutch it?

THEO VON: No, it’s kind of softly open like this.

BOBBY LEE: Do they ever do it? Never. Never. You know why?

THEO VON: Why?

BOBBY LEE: They’re scared.

THEO VON: That’s how— remind me of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s the behavior I get out.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I’m not really that scared anymore.

THEO VON: Good.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Are you scared?

THEO VON: F* yeah. No, I’m happy to hear that.

BOBBY LEE: No, are you scared? Are you scared?

THEO VON: I, you know, I’ve gone through a period recently in the past few months where I’ve definitely dealt with some fear, you know?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: I think scared of like, yeah, I don’t know, dude. Like, things get scary in the world and you think like, yeah, if you say certain things that people are going to do something bad to you or something bad could happen to somebody, you know.

BOBBY LEE: Do I get death threats and things like that? Yeah, that’s scary. You know what I mean?

THEO VON: You get those?

BOBBY LEE: Sometimes I have.

THEO VON: From who?

BOBBY LEE: I’m looking at— I block them immediately. I don’t know who.

THEO VON: Have you ever gotten a stalker before?

BOBBY LEE: Oh, yeah. No way.

THEO VON: Have you?

BOBBY LEE: Nope.

THEO VON: Never.

Raya Matches and Stalkers

BOBBY LEE: Can I tell you something that you’re confused about again? Yeah. Right. And this has happened to me 4 or 5 times. I’ll have a— I’ll match with somebody on Raya. I’ll take them on a date and they’ll go, “What’s Theo up to?” And I go, because I was hanging out with Vancouver and then I couldn’t get in touch with him. And it’s like, you know, tell me, you’re right. And 4 matches were— listen, hear me out.

THEO VON: I’m listening.

BOBBY LEE: 4 of my Raya matches, right, were because they were trying to get to you. And that’s when I deleted Raya.

THEO VON: You’re off.

BOBBY LEE: I’m off of it.

THEO VON: I’ve never been on it.

BOBBY LEE: I know, but my point is, you know what I mean? My point? Yeah, that women probably do stalk you. I believe they do because I have seen— yeah, I do have a lot of women on my Instagram going, “Tell Theo I think he’s hot.”

THEO VON: That’s crazy.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. And it’s like, I’m pretty hot.

THEO VON: Yeah, dude, if I were a gay dude, I would f*ing smash you, dude. Or I would date you. I’d ask you out.

BOBBY LEE: Sorry, don’t smash right away, man. Where are you going to take me, huh? Where are you going to take me?

THEO VON: You know where.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love LA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bro. And we’ll apologize for Charlie.

THEO VON: Hey, free appetizers.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, no, dude, you would take me somewhere nice.

THEO VON: I’ll take you somewhere.

BOBBY LEE: Like if I said, what town is this? LA.

THEO VON: I would take you to Omakase if they have that, dude. It’s just too gay, dude. Just disguising their wiener as fish.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. No, I think you would take me somewhere nice. Like if I go, “Hey, take me to Mastro’s Steakhouse.” I would take you somewhere nice. Really nice. Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: My friend Matt Weiss used to take me there all the time.

BOBBY LEE: Would we make out? Like if you were gay and I was your date, would you make out with me that night?

THEO VON: I don’t think so. I don’t like to make out on a full stomach.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, me neither. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: It’s crazy.

Inner Cleanings and the Bidet Debate

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what I’ve been doing lately, dude? Inner cleanings.

THEO VON: What is it? Are you talking—

BOBBY LEE: I’ve been doing inner cleanings, dude.

THEO VON: And what do you mean by inner cleaning?

BOBBY LEE: I just had a colonoscopy.

THEO VON: Oh damn, that butt fountain or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I got a butt fountain. They found no polyp. Did they? Yeah, and they found no cancer. Let’s go. Yeah, yeah. And now I do inner cleaning. So what I’ll do is by my bathtub I have one of those Japanese toilets. Yeah, I sit on it, it warms up right away.

THEO VON: My stepdad, he would shoot those if he saw one.

BOBBY LEE: Charlie Wood? He wouldn’t shoot, but he would draw on it. Yeah, you would draw on it.

THEO VON: He would draw.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, it’s a flashback and trauma. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

THEO VON: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, anyway, and what I do is I have fancy body wash next to my toilet, right? So I have a bidet. You have a bidet?

THEO VON: No, I don’t have that.

BOBBY LEE: Do you know what one is?

THEO VON: Yeah, I know it’s something that washes your ass and stuff like that, and I respect it. I’m glad we have it as a culture, but I don’t want it.

BOBBY LEE: Why don’t you want it?

THEO VON: I’d rather wash my own ass like a f*ing man.

BOBBY LEE: I know, but the thing is, when you use dry toilet paper, right, you’re not getting the innards.

THEO VON: But sometimes you’ll put some wetness on that toilet paper, dude.

BOBBY LEE: What’s a wetter?

THEO VON: Keep your little stash of water by your toilet.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, well, just get a fing bidet. It just does it naturally when you press a button. You’re going to have a fing wetter? It’s the same f*ing thing, dude.

THEO VON: I’m not fing letting some Waymo fing clean my ass, dude. I’m doing it myself.

BOBBY LEE: But you can control the angles.

THEO VON: I’m old-fashioned.

BOBBY LEE: All right, dude, so I control the levels. Yeah, so it hits the hole.

THEO VON: But that’s not a colonoscopy.

BOBBY LEE: I already had one last week.

THEO VON: Okay, but now I’m talking about cleaning my inner— do they let you keep anything that comes out of it? Like if they find like a—

BOBBY LEE: They found a fingernail? Nuh-uh. Yeah, yeah, they found a fingernail.

THEO VON: F* yeah, I knew those are in there. Somebody said those are in there.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, those are in there, dude. No, but so I—

THEO VON: So your health is good?

BOBBY LEE: No, no, let me finish my innards story, dude. That’s what your problem is.

THEO VON: You’re right.

BOBBY LEE: All right, and I take some body wash, I let the water hit directly into the— you know what I mean? Calamari. Yeah, what I like to call it. Okay, okay, okay, because that’s what it looks like. Okay, right, right. So hit the calamari, right? And then sometimes I’ll open up my own cheeks, right?

THEO VON: Oh damn.

BOBBY LEE: So that the water sprays right into the hole, into the Hormuz, huh? The Strait of Hormuz, right? It does close. It does close, right? You know what I mean? But we’re charging. Hey, hey, we’re charging $2 million per vessel.

THEO VON: That’s what you guys—

BOBBY LEE: I charge my poo, dude. Yeah, I charge my poo $2 million and they pay it, bro.

THEO VON: Yeah, that’s what you got to tell your butthole. It’s like, “Hey, blink twice if you’re in trouble,” you know?

BOBBY LEE: So anyway, I spray it inside and then I’ll take a tissue paper, some body wash, right? I’ll get it inside the hole and I’ll do a double spray. Right in the hole, right? Then I do a dry wipe.

THEO VON: Okay, right.

BOBBY LEE: And I leave so that when you’re having relations with my girlfriend, right, there’s no problem, right? I mean, aren’t you self-cleaning when you know you’re about to hook up?

THEO VON: Yeah, I’ll wash my whole body. I’ve been taking a little break right now from dating and stuff like that, but I’ll wash my whole body.

BOBBY LEE: I do that too. I do that too.

THEO VON: Okay.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn’t mean I only wash that.

THEO VON: I don’t know what you’re doing. You’re f*ing—

BOBBY LEE: No, wait, no, wait.

THEO VON: Have you ever met yourself?

BOBBY LEE: Have you met yourself? It’s crazy. You’re crazy, dude. That’s f*ing crazy.

THEO VON: Whatever, dude.

BOBBY LEE: You told me— you know what you told me?

THEO VON: You said you used to work on the Andrea Gail, dude. That fishing boat that went down, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I survived it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I survived it.

THEO VON: And you lied, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I lied about it. So my bad. But let me say something right now, okay? Of course I wash my body before I do that process.

THEO VON: Okay, got it.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, that’s all. That’s all I’m saying. So that’s all you do is wash your body?

THEO VON: I wash my body. I wash my whole body.

BOBBY LEE: You steam your body?

THEO VON: I go to sauna in the morning.

BOBBY LEE: In Nashville?

THEO VON: Yeah, Nashville or here.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, you do? I’ve never been to sauna with you.

THEO VON: You haven’t?

BOBBY LEE: No, I’d like to do it one day.

Sauna Plans and the Volleyball Player

THEO VON: Yeah, I’d love to go over there, man. There’s supposed to be some good places that people go as a group and stuff. I haven’t been to any of those. I’ll just do it at home. But also I’ll go to Equinox over there.

BOBBY LEE: You mean as a group, like a boy band?

THEO VON: There’s like a bathhouse or something. Oh yeah. No, I’m not talking like an O-Town reunion or something. BTS is going?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Like if we gathered a group of comics, me, you, Gilla, Santino—

THEO VON: That’d be so fun.

BOBBY LEE: That’d be fun, you know what I mean? And would you be like one of those people? Because a lot of— and I know I’m bringing white up a lot, right?

THEO VON: I knew you were going to do it before you came here.

BOBBY LEE: Well, you bring up Asia a lot, like you’re confused about the whole f*ing continent.

THEO VON: Well, you guys aren’t sharing a ton of information.

BOBBY LEE: We are. Yes, we have satellites.

THEO VON: Well, yeah, we’re not getting much.

BOBBY LEE: Let’s move on. Okay, okay. But what I want to—

THEO VON: What I want to say is, have you seen this volleyball player? We were trying to find a movie role for you when I was on Bad Friends. We were trying to find a movie role for you that would be really, really great, and we’re like, “What would be a great movie role for Bobby?” And we found— have you seen this guy?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, let’s see it.

THEO VON: This is my boy Jordan Lucas over at CSUN, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

THEO VON: Splash, baby. He gets it done, bro.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, I see. I understand.

THEO VON: Welcome to—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I understand.

THEO VON: Valley ball, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s in the Valley, right? He’s at CSUN.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Northridge. Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Up in Northridge, bro.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, he put that flamenco on him, baby. Yeah, he’s flashing that flamenco.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. So that’s— I would play a black gay man in a movie.

THEO VON: No, this guy’s not black. He’s not?

BOBBY LEE: What is he?

THEO VON: Oh, Jordan Lucas. Yeah, he’s a f*ing boss. That’s what he is.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, he’s a boss.

THEO VON: Yeah, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He seems like a black boss.

THEO VON: He’s sassy.

Volleyball, Celebrity Encounters, and Starstruck Moments

BOBBY LEE: He’s sassy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, would you be intimidated playing against him, bro?

THEO VON: Game set, sassy, brother. Dude is a f*ing boss, bro. But would I be? Yes, I’d be intimidated playing against anybody that plays volleyball well.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Oh, that’s true.

THEO VON: He’s a boss.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: Shout out CSUN. And what’s your team name? The— and it says right there, “I can’t stop watching the vid of this Northridge College volleyball beast diva.” LOL. That’s where we’re at, bro. The beast divas have launched, homie. Yeah, bro.

BOBBY LEE: That’s what we—

THEO VON: You need that kind of energy in the world. You need aggressive, capable gay males, or semi-gay.

BOBBY LEE: I don’t have no idea.

THEO VON: Is this guy definitely— has he said that?

BOBBY LEE: We don’t know if he’s saying that. I saw an interview with him, he’s gay. Okay, he could only— but he could be straight and have gay moves.

THEO VON: Now that’s—

BOBBY LEE: I’ve done some gay moves, but I’m, you know, 95% straight.

THEO VON: We know, dude.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no, like I’ll wait and I’ll go, okay, yeah, I mean, but that doesn’t necessarily mean right, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, like when I kiss the tip, I do it manly. Okay, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: That’s not like a dad kissing his son goodbye. Yeah, yeah, the one kiss a year.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like that, dude. Yeah, yeah, like aggressive but like hetero. Yeah, yeah, hetero. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have you seen the Thai draft? So there’s a draft in Thailand. No. Yeah.

THEO VON: Bro, you’re Spike Lee. That would be your name, dude, if that would be your Asian name, bro.

BOBBY LEE: If you play volleyball, that’s so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’d be so f*ing sick, dude.

THEO VON: Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, Spike Lee.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I’d be spiking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, you should do a show kind of like heated rivalry where I’m Spike Lee, right?

THEO VON: And we’re not putting you on the poster if we do it.

BOBBY LEE: You’re Volley Von.

THEO VON: But we’ll do a movie, you and me are the leads, and just I’m on the—

BOBBY LEE: But it’s like Heated Rivalry where I hand you a— you touch my finger, there’s a finger, right? What do you think?

THEO VON: So you’re saying what we do, like, it’s a movie, so it’s not—

BOBBY LEE: It’s not real art. It’s hard. You think Brokeback—

THEO VON: Jake Gyllenhaal?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I know Jake. You do?

THEO VON: I love him.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, I had dinner with him once. He’s a great guy.

THEO VON: You did?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: Oh my gosh, you never even said that.

BOBBY LEE: Well, how would you know? You never asked me.

THEO VON: You think you would tell me?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Well, I don’t tell you everyone I’ve had dinner with.

THEO VON: I know that. But at least you would say, “Hey, Jake Gyllenhaal.”

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s a great guy. He’s so funny.

Dream Guests and Celebrity Encounters

THEO VON: Who’s your dream guest to have on your podcast? On Bad Friends?

BOBBY LEE: Oh, s*, dog. My dream guest.

THEO VON: Or on your own podcast.

BOBBY LEE: Tiger Belly is my own podcast.

THEO VON: Yeah, but I’m saying Tiger Belly or Bad Friends.

BOBBY LEE: The dream guest would be Brad Pitt. Wow. Yeah, I just want to see what it’s all about, to see it up close and personal. Yeah. Damn, bro, I want to see if it’s an illusion or if it’s real, if it’s makeup. Have you seen him in real life before, Brad Pitt?

THEO VON: I saw him one time.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, is it real?

THEO VON: I mean, I was scared, I didn’t know what to do, and I just—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you trembled probably.

THEO VON: Oh yeah, I was like opening a door for him and I got all scared and s*. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he went in the building, I followed him.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I know, but when you look at him— but he moved quick. Yeah, I know. He looks like a very quick guy.

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Like one time I was— you know nothing about soccer.

THEO VON: No, I know the World Cup’s coming to the USA.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, that’s good. But anyway, my favorite soccer team is Arsenal FC. Mm-hmm. When you do it, I do it. And so the soccer team has like— war. Good God, whoo! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Okay, so I was— because I’m an Arsenal fan. Can you hear me? Here’s the thing about you, you don’t listen. You’re already— here’s the thing about you, you’re already thinking about what you’re going to say next, like a different topic. So when I’m— I know your eyes, right? So when I’m talking, right, you’re already thinking about something else. You’re not really listening. Okay, my bad.

THEO VON: Let me drop in.

BOBBY LEE: I— you want it? You want this to be over?

THEO VON: No, I don’t. Tell me about Arsenal, dude.

BOBBY LEE: All right, so their legendary player is a guy named Thierry Henry.

THEO VON: Thierry Henry. T-H-I-E-R-R-Y.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. How’d you know that?

THEO VON: Because I’ve seen him before. Yeah. Yeah. He’s one of the greats. People say he looks like Sully McCullough as well.

BOBBY LEE: A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Henry, I was at a hotel.

THEO VON: You met him?

BOBBY LEE: No. So I was in a hotel in New York, right? I was shooting the movie The Dictator, right? And they put us— I forgot what hotel it was. And I remember being in the elevator. And Henry—

THEO VON: Did they put you on the poster? Not The Dictator?

BOBBY LEE: No, they didn’t. And I had more lines than busboys, but they didn’t care about you. Yeah, they didn’t care about me. You cared about me.

THEO VON: I can’t believe they didn’t ask you that.

BOBBY LEE: Anyway, Henry walks in, right? And, you know, obviously there’s— it’s like, “Hey, I’m a huge fan,” or “Can I get a photo,” or whatever.

THEO VON: You said that to him?

BOBBY LEE: No. Nothing came out of my mouth. I was so in shock that he was the last person that I ever thought I would dream of meeting or seeing in real life. Of course, when he got off his floor, the words couldn’t come out. No. Yeah. That’s how much of a fan I was. And then when I missed my moment, I missed my moment.

So the other day I was at Pizzeria Bianco. Right? And the dude that created it— I’m a big fan of— he was in the restaurant.

THEO VON: No way.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. And I walked right up to him, I go, “Can I get a photo?” And he goes, “Sure, kid.” So I do it every time now because I’m not fans of like, you know—

THEO VON: Jerry was in the restaurant?

BOBBY LEE: No, this guy that created Chris Pizzeria Bianco.

THEO VON: Oh, he was in the restaurant.

BOBBY LEE: It’s one of the best pizzerias in the world.

THEO VON: The creator, who’s it? Bring it up. That’s him right there. Yeah, yeah, Chris Bianco.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, Chris Bianco.

THEO VON: Oh, I’ve seen him before.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, there’s one downtown in LA, very good pizza.

THEO VON: I don’t go down there too much, but I will.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. But anyway, so now when I see somebody— can you listen?

THEO VON: Yeah, I’m back, I’m here.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, now when I see somebody, I’m not like fans of like, oh, there’s Sabrina Carpenter or David Robinson or something like that? Yeah, yeah, I’m not— Like what?

THEO VON: Mitch McConnell!

BOBBY LEE: Like Mitch McConnell, Turtle Eyes. Yeah, I call him, you know? Yeah, yeah, you mean like, so most people be like, “I gotta get a selfie with Mitch,” you know, when he’s in it, he’s a zone, his Frozone. You don’t mean when he freezes up? That’s my favorite part of them.

THEO VON: Oh, he’s glitching.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, he’s glitching. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, that’s his cum face. Yeah, did you know that? Oh yeah. This is— anyway, like Mitch McConnell.

THEO VON: Oh, that’s crazy.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, that’s his cum face, dude.

THEO VON: Bro, we’re going to go to hell for doing this. That’s a real face?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, that’s a real face, dude.

THEO VON: Yeah, see, they’re using some of these senior citizens, dude. Yeah, they’re just—

BOBBY LEE: They’re using them to just imagine his Chinese wife underneath them, and that’s the face he uses.

THEO VON: Oh yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Oh dude, you know what I mean?

THEO VON: You gotta use that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you gotta use that. Anyway, okay, so are you fans with somebody that’s weird, that if you ran into them you’d be starstruck?

THEO VON: I think probably Marilyn Manson.

BOBBY LEE: Probably he’s dead, huh? Someone alive? Oh yeah, I could go out through history like Genghis Khan, that’d be cool. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, but Marilyn Manson’s dead. Yeah, is there somebody that you would like— you’re in an elevator, are you thinking Marilyn Manson’s still alive? Charles Manson? You meant Charles Manson. Oh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Marilyn Manson. Dude. Oh, so— oh my, thank God. Oh, thank God, thank God he didn’t die. Oh, oh, f*.

THEO VON: He didn’t.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, no, yeah, I know him. You do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Dang, dude.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, no, yeah, I do know him.

THEO VON: Yeah, I met— we kind of— I was talking to somebody that works with him for a little bit, and then, yeah, I think probably him would be somebody that’d be really neat. The Pope, maybe.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, Pope Leo, or the previous one?

THEO VON: The new one, the one that’s beefing with Trump online.

BOBBY LEE: What about the one that JD Vance killed? You remember that guy?

THEO VON: I haven’t even heard about that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, remember JD Vance visited him and the next time he died? Oh yeah, yeah. So it’s like, yeah, so that’s why—

THEO VON: I mean, I will say, look, JD has a strong handshake, you know? I know.

BOBBY LEE: But now this Pope, wherever JD’s at, he’s not there.

THEO VON: Oh, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Like he was in Africa and then JD was like in DC, and if JD went to Africa, the Pope would go to Antarctica, you know? That Pope ain’t fing, fing with no—

THEO VON: Pope on a rope.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, he was a Pope on a rope.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That last one definitely was.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you ran into the Pope, or— can I just name some names?

THEO VON: Yeah, I’m trying to think of people I’d be starstruck by.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you would like be like, “Oh f*, I got to get a photo.”

THEO VON: Oh, Julia Roberts, I would be starstruck.

BOBBY LEE: Oh yeah, you get a photo?

THEO VON: I don’t know if I’d ask for a photo, but I would just be starstruck.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: I don’t know if I’d ask for like— I think sometimes it’s better to just say no, I’m okay without a photo.

Coachella, Politics, and WWE Dreams

BOBBY LEE: This is what— so here’s the thing, okay? When I was— that’s how I feel when I was at Coachella. Yeah, right. And I saw Sabrina Carpenter, and I saw— I went for The Strokes, right? Mm-hmm. And I got front row.

THEO VON: So did Mitch McConnell.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, it’s an old—

THEO VON: Sorry, it’s a bad joke. All right, let’s go on.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Oh my God, dude, my poker face.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, he does look like a turtle, dude. Does he?

THEO VON: I don’t— that part I don’t even see. I just see—

BOBBY LEE: What’d you see?

THEO VON: A senior man that’s getting used to funnel ideas and danger through.

BOBBY LEE: There should be an age. You believe there’s— there’s got to be a limit.

THEO VON: They got to put a cap.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, what’s the cap? 60?

THEO VON: 65.

BOBBY LEE: 65 cap. Yeah, after 65 you’re out. You’re out. Yeah, I think so too. And it’s because I’m 54, I’ll do crazy shit.

THEO VON: Would you ever run?

BOBBY LEE: I’d run fast.

THEO VON: Would you ever run for office?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Would you? Yeah. A congressperson or something.

THEO VON: We need somebody.

BOBBY LEE: I think so. Yeah.

THEO VON: You know what?

BOBBY LEE: My ideas are cray cray. I mean, I don’t know. Ask me about something. I’ll tell you what I would do.

Joseph Cao and Asian Representation in Congress

THEO VON: But here’s the thing. We have the first Vietnamese House of Representatives person was from Louisiana.

BOBBY LEE: Really? Yep. Yeah.

THEO VON: Look him up.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. So you can differentiate between Vietnamese and Chinese then?

THEO VON: I wouldn’t say that, but I would say that that’s our boy right there.

BOBBY LEE: All right.

THEO VON: Joseph Cao.

BOBBY LEE: And he’s from your homeland?

THEO VON: Yeah, that’s him right there.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: He’s a boss, dude.

BOBBY LEE: He’s a boss, dude.

THEO VON: Born in Saigon.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: Born in Saigon, went to Baylor.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you think we need more Asians in Congress?

THEO VON: Yeah, and more Filipinos. If it was all Filipinos, I don’t think anything bad would ever happen to the world, do you?

BOBBY LEE: No, dude, you’re right. I think you’re right.

THEO VON: That’s the truth.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they’d be a lot of—

THEO VON: You could run on the same ticket, dude, with Jake Paul.

BOBBY LEE: Jake Paul, that’s my— yeah, but we’re different parties.

WWE, Tag Teams, and the Paul Brothers

THEO VON: Would you ever, dude, because this is— that’s actually something I did hear. Somebody said you got offered to do WWE. Is that true? No, are you serious?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, stop pointing at me, dog. Yeah, I’m saying I’m f*ing serious, bro.

THEO VON: All right, are you serious?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m serious, dude.

THEO VON: Yeah, I heard that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, I would— but here’s what happens, right? I don’t get 80% of it, you know what I mean? It goes through like a funnel to me because my people know what I will and will not do for sure. And WWE is something I probably wouldn’t want to do, really, because I would lose. I would lose.

THEO VON: What if we did a tag team match against Logan Paul and his brother?

BOBBY LEE: I would do that, dude. Yeah, let’s challenge Logan Paul, right? And his brother Jake. Yeah, tag team us.

THEO VON: We have to wear costumes though, and the winner has to pay the other’s taxes.

BOBBY LEE: For how many years? Just one year.

THEO VON: For one year.

BOBBY LEE: But you think you would win? F yeah. F yeah. I think they’re not all that, dude. Dude. Of course I would tag you real quick. Yeah.

THEO VON: Oh, you would? Yeah, I’m opening and I would tag you. You just keep you.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, we tag each other, dude. That’s what we would do— stay in the corner and we keep tagging each other till they get dizzy. We become a cyclone. Yeah, yeah, of tagging, right? And then they get all confused, right? And then we both get onto the ropes, right? And we do what?

THEO VON: We jump off.

BOBBY LEE: Yes.

THEO VON: And we attack them.

BOBBY LEE: And we attack them. Yeah, yeah, dude, we attack that way. Yeah, through the air. Yeah, like we did to Iran.

THEO VON: Or we get a drone to take us up.

BOBBY LEE: Oh right, Ukrainian or Iranian?

THEO VON: Whatever one still has a little bit of gas money left.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: And we take that up.

BOBBY LEE: We’ll take that up, right? And we’ll just glide right into them.

THEO VON: I think we could do it.

Spencer Pratt, Local Politics, and Canada

BOBBY LEE: I think—

THEO VON: But would you get involved in personal, like, even in local politics? Spencer Pratt is running for mayor of LA now, you know that? No, I don’t know. You don’t know that.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no. And you know, that’d be cool. I don’t know if I’d vote for them. You know what I do do?

THEO VON: What?

BOBBY LEE: I donate to Canada sometimes to help them. Yeah. You ever do that?

THEO VON: I love Canada.

BOBBY LEE: Excuse me?

THEO VON: I love Canada.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Oh, you give Canadian politicians money?

THEO VON: No, I don’t donate to them, but I love Canada. I think it’s a great place.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I love Argentina. What the f* are you talking about?

THEO VON: The best posture. You don’t even know Argentina.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, they have the best soccer players. Argentina. Messi.

THEO VON: Yeah, I saw Messi play one time with Miami. Nashville.

BOBBY LEE: All right, but it was with the Miami team.

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, played there, dude. It was great. I like— I would like to watch soccer more. I think I’m going to try to go to a game when it’s here.

UFC Seats and the Oxygen Section

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you like those things. Can I tell you something about something that made me real sad?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: So with the last UFC fight that you and I were at— yeah, all right— what kind of seats did you get?

THEO VON: We got good seats.

BOBBY LEE: You did?

THEO VON: Yes.

BOBBY LEE: What would you think my seats were like?

THEO VON: I saw your seats, they were good.

BOBBY LEE: They were better than yours?

THEO VON: No, it depends on what you’re looking for.

BOBBY LEE: I’m looking to get closest to the cage.

THEO VON: I didn’t know that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, you think I want to be out there?

THEO VON: They put you— yeah, there is a zone where they were. There’s a lot of people that—

BOBBY LEE: Influencers? No. Okay, what kind of people?

THEO VON: Yeah, people that are like— there’s a lot of people that have like— it’s like wheelchair access.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah— people that are impaired, like people with neck braces, back braces. Yeah, yeah, people who don’t— exactly. And they— yeah, yeah, you were right there along the road where people come out, they have other attachments to them.

THEO VON: Yeah, you’re like in the neck brace section.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: They have a cane.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I mean the Biff. They have the Biff.

THEO VON: Yeah, just an aquifier basically.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: People that were just like—

BOBBY LEE: Exactly. So I’m in that section, right? And for a split second I was kind of like, why am I here? You know what I mean?

THEO VON: Probably because it was your first fight.

BOBBY LEE: Really? So the next time I go to a fight, because I love the sport, can I just go with you?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Will I still be in the oxygen area?

THEO VON: I can ask Dana if he would allow me— if he allows me to go.

BOBBY LEE: No, you’re always around that. Yeah, I’m a fan of the sport.

THEO VON: I—

BOBBY LEE: You’re always around that, but it’s still at his grace, you know?

THEO VON: It’s like he picks who can go.

BOBBY LEE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The people that you— your friends are bigger than me that you had around you? Are they?

THEO VON: What do you mean, like popularity-wise? No, Gianni’s with me all the time.

BOBBY LEE: Is he more popular than me?

THEO VON: In the urban circles, he is.

BOBBY LEE: This is me at the oxygen area.

THEO VON: You’re having a good time?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was having a spasm, dude. Bro, look how close.

THEO VON: I’ve never gotten to sit where you sat here. That’s amazing, bro, to cheer people when they come out.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, but then you put your hand out, they don’t never slap my hand.

THEO VON: Bro.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: That guy’s a beast, dude.

BOBBY LEE: And then what’s—

THEO VON: Who is that guy, Nick?

BOBBY LEE: Ateba Gauthier.

THEO VON: Yeah. Is he like on a 6-fight win streak?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, all for sure on knockouts.

THEO VON: I like Gauthier.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

THEO VON: And dude, you got to see Rose Namajunas when she came out.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

THEO VON: Is that how you say her last name?

BOBBY LEE: Namajunas. Namajunas.

THEO VON: Namajunas.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Dude, Thug Rose, bro, just to see that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you’re right.

THEO VON: I’ve sat in a lot of different places. I haven’t always got to sit up close, but it has been fun when I got to.

Going to the Next UFC Fight Together

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Oh, but yeah, next time you sit up close, because I’ve never been there, I’m going to just go with you.

THEO VON: Yes, please. I’m going in July. If I am able to sit up close, then I would love for you to go and just ask Dana, like my friend, you know what I mean? I’m going to send him a JPEG of you straight up. I’ll say you used to fight.

BOBBY LEE: Just say the real thing.

THEO VON: You did used to fight.

BOBBY LEE: No, no, say I’m your friend.

THEO VON: I’ll say it’s my friend.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I’m up. You’re right.

THEO VON: I’m not going to lie to him.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Well then why would you lie just now?

THEO VON: You’re right.

BOBBY LEE: No, I’m right.

THEO VON: You are.

BOBBY LEE: Why do you lie?

THEO VON: I’m not lying, dude. I was thinking about lying. Okay, anyway, and I said I’m not.

BOBBY LEE: So what’d you think of today’s podcast? I thought it was good. Let’s do a regroup and, you know what I mean?

Wrapping Up – Dogs, Pressure, and Viral Moments

THEO VON: Okay, let’s go through some stuff. For one, yeah, I do feel— for one, I’m happy to get to see you. Oh, I do want to say also Brittany Schmidt’s dog passed away, so—

BOBBY LEE: Oh no.

THEO VON: I think we can just say, so sorry, Brittany, we love you. And the dog’s name was Biggie. And he’s in a better place.

BOBBY LEE: My dog Remy passed away a month and a half ago.

THEO VON: Oh, did you have to—

BOBBY LEE: I did that. That was great. What?

THEO VON: Did you have to have someone come over and help put it down? My friend just had to have that.

BOBBY LEE: My friend Tim.

THEO VON: Remember Bizzle, who you always fight with at the casino?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. Where is he, huh? He’s the one that’s trying to sht with me on fing line, dude.

THEO VON: Dude, he just texted me earlier today.

BOBBY LEE: He just texted me today. This is what he said. Can I tell you what your— is this him?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: Hold on, this piece of sh*t.

THEO VON: Dude, I’m not even joking. The text he sent, he goes, “Tell that motherf*er to wash his ass.” That’s what he said.

BOBBY LEE: Okay, this is what he said. What are the odds of that? He goes, “Bro, you trying to beef with me saying I invite this sht? Don’t come into the studio today trying to start beef or you’re going to get got type sht.” Where is that guy, huh? I want to get got. I want to see what that means.

THEO VON: He’s in, you know, because I’m going to tell you this right now, dude.

BOBBY LEE: He’s pussified. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll destroy him. Yeah, okay. He’s strong, right? But I have ways. I’ll go Nam, dude. I think you could— I’ll build a tunnel and a pathway.

THEO VON: Oh, so it’s okay for you to go Nam and just completely—

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, we can do it.

THEO VON: Be a culture vulture.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, we can be a culture vulture.

THEO VON: My stepfather can’t walk back in.

BOBBY LEE: He’s a white— he’s a confused white. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s a difference between being Asian in, right? And being confused.

THEO VON: Why, guy?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you’re right, you’re right. I’m just trying to— I know, philosophical guy.

THEO VON: I know there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it just breaks my heart. Yeah, what? It breaks—

BOBBY LEE: It breaks my heart that we can’t get closer and with that divide, dude.

THEO VON: I know, we’re going to do it better next time.

BOBBY LEE: We’ll do it better.

THEO VON: Yeah, I think this is one of those—

BOBBY LEE: Oh, go ahead.

THEO VON: I think this is one of those times where it’s like, yeah, we kind of hit a spot where it’s like, okay, yeah, sometimes I do feel pressure. Like if we’re— if like, yeah, it’s like you get clips that are viral and you do see that, you can’t even not see it. And then people every time, you’ll be somewhere like there’s a video somewhere, there’s a funeral and the guy’s yelling Bobby at it. It’s like what can you do? But it’s like, yeah, you do feel some pressure and it’s not in that— those—

BOBBY LEE: That’s why I’ve been avoiding it.

THEO VON: But that’s what I’m saying, right? But those moments aren’t like— it’s not fair to all, it’s not fair for me to bring any— I thought about that before you came. I thought about— yeah, great listening. I thought about that before you came and I said God, let’s— let me just have it. This is so stupid that we’re even thinking about this. Yeah, but let me just have a nice conversation with my friend and let me have a new experience.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I felt the same way driving here. I’ve been avoiding doing it with you because there is so much pressure on it.

THEO VON: But we had so much fun when I came into Bad Friends. Yeah, how great was that?

BOBBY LEE: That was great. But we might have not gotten anything today.

THEO VON: Well, it took me 600 episodes to even get invited over there, if you really want to look at the calendar. But I know you guys are busy.

Bad Friends, Guests, and Blake Griffin

BOBBY LEE: No, no, no, no, no. Look at me right now, dude. That’s tragic. I’ll tell you this. We’re not a guest-driven show. We’ve had maybe 10 guests in our whole whatever the run.

THEO VON: Oh, I didn’t know that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah. We’ve had Jack Black, Shia. Yeah, I mean, we get the biggest people we can get to do the guest. What’s that tall orange man who plays basketball?

THEO VON: Wembanyama?

BOBBY LEE: No, no. What’s that tall orange man that plays basketball?

THEO VON: Blake Griffin.

BOBBY LEE: Blake Griffin. Oh yeah, he’s a tall orange, you know what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

THEO VON: Vitamin C, they call him.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, the Vitamin C. We got— when we got vitamins, we got it. And we were lucky to have you, but it’s not a personal thing.

THEO VON: No, I don’t feel it.

BOBBY LEE: It’s a scheduling thing. Yeah, yeah. So let me ask the boys in the booth, what did you think of today’s episode? There are great moments, and I just think you guys talk so naturally funny to each other.

THEO VON: You don’t realize what—

BOBBY LEE: There’s going to be some viral moment from this that we don’t know. That’s the good point. So don’t live in the results. We did it. I think there are some things in there.

THEO VON: We had a good time.

BOBBY LEE: But if there isn’t, f* it.

THEO VON: I just want to have a good time with my friends.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, I had a good time at times.

THEO VON: And that is true.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. I think that sometimes you’re confused, but that’s what I like about you. Yeah. I mean, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

THEO VON: Well, but I’m trying to learn, man.

BOBBY LEE: And you’re a learner, dude.

THEO VON: Sometimes you help me, sometimes you don’t.

BOBBY LEE: And I could say that’s the same about you.

The Movie Poster Debate – Calling David Spade

THEO VON: And I cannot believe that David Spade put you on that movie poster.

BOBBY LEE: I think he did that. He said that you did that.

THEO VON: No, we did not. Yeah, you did. I would never do that.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you would.

THEO VON: I don’t even know how to do—

BOBBY LEE: You know what I said? I went up, I went out of Photoshop. No, your people, these guys know how. And I went to Spade. No, just listen, listen. I went to Spade and I go, “Dude, it’s kind of fing weird. I have like 2 lines in this movie and you put me in the center of this poster.” And he goes, “Really? F Theo.” That’s what he said, dude. That’s what he said. No, we should call him.

THEO VON: Should we call him? Yeah, I don’t think he’ll answer. He’s probably busy eating dinner or something because he has so much money.

BOBBY LEE: Oh, sushi, probably. It’s always sushi with him. Have you noticed that?

THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, it is with a lot of you guys. Let’s see what he says. That’s a nice picture of us.

BOBBY LEE: Let me call him.

THEO VON: Okay, he could be taking a bath or whatever.

BOBBY LEE: Are you guys calling me together? No, what are you talking about? No, no, Theo just called me. Yeah, but you know what I love? You picked up for me and not him. I knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love the fact that you picked up for me and you didn’t pick up for Theo. No, I love Theo, but I’m at dinner. Yeah, but why would you pick up for me? Because I knew you were in cahoots. I go, “We got a situation.” Yeah, yeah. Well, just real quick, we want to clear something up, right?

THEO VON: Yeah.

BOBBY LEE: All right, so when I said to you, why am I in the center of this poster? I only had 3 lines. And you said, “Oh, f*ing Theo.” So Theo did it. Yeah, Theo did it.

THEO VON: I don’t think Theo knew about it.

BOBBY LEE: I think somebody just made it and they were exploiting you guys.

THEO VON: Oh, they put me on it too.

BOBBY LEE: You’re the star of the movie.

THEO VON: Who cares, Bobby?

BOBBY LEE: Oh, you’re right, Dave. I’m sorry. Are you eating Asian food?

THEO VON: I’m eating Asian food.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, I knew it. So I love you, dude. It’s no one’s to blame. Thank you for putting me in the movie. I love you, okay?

THEO VON: And tell the waiter we’re sorry for everything, okay? I love you.

BOBBY LEE: Bye. It was you.

THEO VON: It couldn’t have been me because I don’t even have Photoshop.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

THEO VON: It was someone else.

BOBBY LEE: But did I guess that he was eating Asian food?

THEO VON: But no, I do feel bad that I didn’t ask. I should have asked specifically.

BOBBY LEE: I don’t care, dude. Dude, it’s—

THEO VON: Well, I should have asked.

BOBBY LEE: I didn’t really think about it.

THEO VON: I think you would feel like—

BOBBY LEE: Bro, bro, bro. I’m so grateful that you asked me to do something that you’ve been working on. I mean, what a blessing that is. I just did an episode of a show of a friend. I can’t say it, but he asked and I did it. And I knew who it was.

THEO VON: Peyton Manning.

BOBBY LEE: Okay. And was it—

THEO VON: He has a new show. You have a new show.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, the Bad Show, a game show.

THEO VON: And you didn’t even tell me about it.

Bobby Lee’s Hulu Special

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, the Bad Show, a game show. And then also my Hulu special comes out in November, my first special.

THEO VON: Finally.

BOBBY LEE: Finally. Yeah. And go check that out.

THEO VON: But what took so long, to be honest, when you really think about it? Was there a real reason that it kind of— that it did take you a while? Did you not like doing specials? Did you think it was not what it’s about? Like, really, really?

BOBBY LEE: Well, it’s so funny. Ask yourself why I wouldn’t do it. Why wouldn’t he do it?

THEO VON: Because he didn’t like to try.

BOBBY LEE: He doesn’t— oh no. Yeah, because I’ve been doing the same act. I slowly add jokes. It was just no hurry, really. And it got to the point where it was like I was on stage and I was like, I couldn’t hear it anymore. I don’t care if it gets a laugh, I just gotta evolve. And so I penned a deal. I go, “I’m going to get all this out there, it’s going to force me to write new sh*t.”

THEO VON: You penned a deal? Are you f*ing Thomas Jefferson or something?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, I penned a deal, dude, like the Constitution.

THEO VON: Facts, my bad.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did it and it went pretty good. And when it comes out, I’m already writing way new sh*t. And let’s go. The next hour will be better. I think I’m evolving. I really do.

THEO VON: I feel you.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. And so that’s why it took me so long. It was never like— here’s the thing about me. I don’t know why, but I was a club guy. What I mean by that, I did comedy clubs and I always sold out. Even before podcast, I would do well. So in my mind, there was like no hurry. I never thought about theaters or coliseums or anything like that, but I made a living playing, I mean, the Yuk Yuk’s or whatever. Right. Oh yeah.

THEO VON: There’s so many great clubs.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. So whatever. And now it’s like it’s getting bigger, the audience, and I want to grow with my brand. And I want to expand. So that’s what I’m doing.

THEO VON: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, man.

Growing and Evolving

THEO VON: Yeah, dude, it’s kind of crazy. It’s like evolving’s kind of scary. It’s all kind of spooky sometimes, like growing up, you know? Does it make sense? Kind of.

BOBBY LEE: You gotta live on the edge of your comfort zone.

THEO VON: F* yeah.

BOBBY LEE: That’s how you grow. That’s how great men make it. Take risks and go through the fire. And I’ve always been afraid of that. And I think, like we talked about earlier, silence, you know what I mean? That’s all okay.

THEO VON: That was almost great. Yeah, but you know what is great, dude?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, it’s really good to be here.

THEO VON: Anytime I get to spend time with you, I feel lucky.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah.

The Bad Game Show

THEO VON: And your new show starts when? When does it start so people can watch it?

BOBBY LEE: The Bad Game Show will start in probably September, October.

THEO VON: Where’s it going to be? YouTube. Let’s go.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. And there’s the deadline.

THEO VON: All Things Comedy on the Bad Game Show. Dude, you guys look great.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. Yeah. Holy frick. We have guests on and they— two guests compete against each other in games we developed.

THEO VON: Dude, put me on the poster.

BOBBY LEE: You said no to the game show.

THEO VON: Did I really?

BOBBY LEE: Yeah, you did.

THEO VON: But you know what?

BOBBY LEE: What?

THEO VON: Put me on the poster anyway. Yeah. And I’ll share that. All right.

BOBBY LEE: Thanks for having me.

THEO VON: I love you and thank you for being somebody that— he just texted me again.

BOBBY LEE: Spade, he FaceTimed me.

THEO VON: Let’s see what he says because he might be on some bullshit, dude. He was in fricking Dickie Roberts.

BOBBY LEE: I know, dude.

THEO VON: Dude, you seen this laser? Puts a little cock on your shirt.

BOBBY LEE: Okay.

THEO VON: Oh, that’s the tits.

BOBBY LEE: I’m just going to hang up.

THEO VON: No, wait one more time. He’s getting older.

BOBBY LEE: Yeah. So you— did you FaceTime me? I tried to. Yeah, here’s the—

THEO VON: What’s up, dude?

BOBBY LEE: I was trying to save Theo and get him out of that interview. There was no controversy.

THEO VON: He texted me the f*ing password and I was like, oh, that means save him. Yeah, dude, I did.

BOBBY LEE: Wait wait wait! Wait, so thank you so much for that information? I’ll see you soon— I love you— I’m going to hang up the phone okay? All right… I love you bud, no no, I love you, I love you, but all right so…

THEO VON: Did I?!

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