There’s little about my life that should create a sense of fear. I’m 32, I have an amazing job, and I’m very fortunate to have a loving and supportive family.
People look at me as one independent and empowered Indian woman. But, even today I live a life that does not shield me completely from the daily exasperation of being “eve teased,” which in Indian context would mean, being touched, being groped and being sexually harassed at any given point of time, in any public space in India.
We in India, choose to not talk about one of the most important facts of life, and that fact is: sex.
Well, we all know that sex is universal, we all love sex. Don’t we? I do. But it is still this topic that we choose to go all hushes about.
I work on a sexual health project that educates young people in India about sex, by answering their supposedly most awkward sexual health questions, in an open, frank and friendly manner. That too with the complete privacy.
So when I get up in front of a room full of young people and tell them, “Consent is Sexy,” I mean it. I’m not saying that to get any feminist agenda across. Or maybe because it is the politically correct thing to say in the wake of sexual assault epidemic. No. I’m saying that because I mean it.
Consent is sexy. Talking about sex is sexy. You know what isn’t sexy? Rape isn’t sexy.
Sexual harassment isn’t sexy. Let us think about what this culture of silence has gotten us: Rape, incest, abuse, discrimination, injustice, misogyny, institutional sexism, which also keeps us from acknowledging and reporting on any of these.
In India on an average, every hour, two women are raped, one is molested and four are sexually harassed. Growing up as a girl child in India can be very hard. The first time I was pinched on my boobs, I was busy playing with my friends and I was 12 years old. Such was the impact of that incident on me that I started to hate myself for being a girl. I cried, I wanted to speak to my parents about it, but I couldn’t, something stopped me.
So what did I do? I wore a mask and I smiled. But behind that mask were a lot of tears. And when I was off to the big city Delhi for higher education, the city threw many more challenges. But I couldn’t cry every single day for feeling sexually harassed. So I started reacting from shouting, to slapping to abusing. I did it all.
Years have passed by, I’m a mom now, but it was just the other day when I was walking close to a public park with my son, and a man on a bike came close pinched me on my butt and rode away. What could I do? Nothing. Because before I could react he was off.
So what has really changed for me as a woman in 32 years of my life in India? Nothing. There’s no simple explanation of what it means to be a woman in India today. Yes, it depends of how educated you are, where you live, what you do, your class, your cast. But, there is this one thing which is common to every single Indian woman, and that is the experience of being sexually harassed.
If you’re an Indian woman in a public space, you’re forever on the edge. Looking out for men standing too close, wondering if that grope on the bus was accidental.
At an early age, you learn to not look at men in the eyes. You learn to shield yourself with scarfs and bags. And this is the story of tens and thousands of Indian women and girls, who step out of their houses every single day, and also the story of those tens and thousands of women and girls who do not have to step out of their houses to feel mistreated and discriminated. Because abuse also happens within the four walls of a house.
When I look back at the families I knew when I was growing up, I begin to understand why some men tend to think the way they do in India. It is the society at large, the families, and even schools that knowingly and unknowingly make boys feel more privileged than girls.
So basically in India, the penis is supposed to enjoy more privileges than the vagina. If a boy says something it is being smart. If a girl says the same thing it is being over smart. If a boy goes out, drinks and smokes and indulges in lots of experimental sex, it’s a cool and fun thing to do. If a girl does the same thing, she’s dumped cheap, and she’s definitely not someone you can take home to your mother. And this is what we call, “The famous Indian male mentality.”
Now where is this mentality coming from? No one has born with a mentality. It is the social and cultural factors that make up a mentality. Both men and women get affected by the gender roles that define what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. Gender equality would mean that all men and women, boys and girls would enjoy equal status in society. And measuring gender equality is in essence an analysis of power, in terms of who has it, who doesn’t and how to distribute it more equally.
Equality can only be one, if everyone is made aware of unequal power structures, if everybody is equipped to claim it for themselves.
Let me ask you a few questions here. Is there a connection between gender inequality, rape and sex education? Is there a systematic silencing of information when it comes to sex and sexuality in India? And how does this silencing of information contribute to larger issues of gender inequality, discrimination, injustice and patriarchal attitudes present in our culture?
India is a country where vast sorts of society are highly conservative in nature. There’s often a culture of silence when it comes to talking about sexuality and sexual health. The taboo around sex is such that people find it very difficult to talk about any sexual health issues or problems that they might be facing.
Then there’s also this perception that young people shouldn’t be having sex at all. So what sexual health issues they might be having? I say let us just stop fooling ourselves. Let us just talk and break this culture of silence that relates to larger issues of justice, freedom, from discrimination and democratic values.
For about a decade now, I’ve worked on Women and Child Rights, and have seen how deep these inequalities between men and women trapped millions of people into the cycle of vulnerability. But along the way I’ve also met countless men who given a chance have been willing to examine and improve their behavior towards women and girls in their lives.
I think aggressive behavior towards women isn’t innate. It is learned and therefore it can also be unlearned. The moment we exclude all conversations about male perception, we’re also excluding all conversations about desire, about positive body image, about what constitutes an equal and healthy relationship marital or otherwise sexuality and gender. Because if there is one thing that I’m sure of it is, that all these candlelight vigils, these passions, these protests will be in vain if we do not get to the root of the problem. That is if we do not break this culture of silence, that would further question the gender norms and stereotypes.
Let us engage with men as partners as beneficiaries, as fathers, as sons, as brothers to talk about these unequal power structures and how women are treated in our society. India is home to some of the most amazing, innovative and path breaking project when it comes to sexuality and sexual health. From on ground programs that help young people to talk about sex, to using social media and mass media to talk about these issues, a lot of interesting work is happening.
I work on one such project called Love Matters, which is a series of responsive mobile websites, that provides easy to access open, frank and friendly information to young people about love, sex and relationships. We get about 450,000 visitors every month. We have 173,000 followers in Facebook. And, 78% of these are men.
Yes. 78%. Now that is a huge number. It reassures the fact that we’re possibly giving them the information they need. And this is also an opportunity for us which we’re making use of to question male perceptions, to challenge patriarchal notions. Because we think we can possibly change the way they interact with the women in their lives.
Let me give you a few examples of the kind of questions we get on our website. “My first kiss sucked. I think I didn’t get it right. I need tips.”
“Is masturbation safe?”
“I have trust issues with my girlfriend. I don’t like it but what do I do?”
And responding to one of our articles on sexual harassment, a man wrote saying that he felt very guilty for what he had done. He confessed that at any given chance, he had rubbed his private parts against women and girls in public transport.
India sank into unprecedented sorrow on the death of the 23 years old young woman, who was gang-raped on a Delhi bus on 16th December 2012. Despite being tear gassed, despite being beaten thousands of people, men and women, boys and girls took onto the streets. There was so much soul-searching on how and why this could happen?
Social media was awash with rage, and similar reactions have come up after the Mumbai rape case. I think this is a good sign, this is a really, really good sign. But this cannot be a one-off effort. Because mindset do not change overnight. It is a process. It is a process that has to continue. It is a process that would need gearing continuously. Which means we speak up and we react every time any women and girl in our offices, in our homes, in our neighborhoods, just about anywhere is treated unfairly.
I think by talking about sex and all the good and the bad things that go with it, we can help men understand what daily life is like for women. Which also includes their mothers, their wives, their daughters and their sisters.
I think by talking about sex, we can counter patriarchal notions, we can challenge male perceptions, and disturb the culture of silence that leads to gender violence, and therefore bring about justice.
